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ACT ONE
‘Dry Bones’
The end of a blazing afternoon. An old-fashioned butcher’s shop. Tiles, marble slabs, a display counter covered with a sheet. A desiccated feel to the place. A yellowing blind on the window. Straw on the floor. Three dead pot plants and a thriving cactus. The sound of police sirens and dogs barking gets louder and louder. Louder still when the shop door is opened. JOHN enters. He looks around the empty shop, then calls:
JOHN. ’Livery!
JOHN JUNIOR. You left me!
JOHN. I had to see a man about a dog.
JOHN JUNIOR. They were kicking me and you said, ‘I’ll run ahead and meet you there.’
JOHN. I thought they were your mates.
JOHN JUNIOR. They were trying to set fire to my shoes! (Beat.) You know why they always go for me, don’t you?
JOHN. You’ve just got one of those faces, I s’pose.
JOHN JUNIOR. No. It’s cos it’s always me carrying the bleeding sack!
JOHN. We’ve been through this, JJ. You carry the sack. I carry the clipboard. See?
JOHN JUNIOR. S’like trying to carry a sugar cube through a sea of ants out there! Maybe if you had to be the human donkey once in a while, then – What’s that?
JOHN (still eating). What does it look like?
JOHN JUNIOR (gasping in amazement). It’s an ice cream!
JOHN. To some extent.
JOHN JUNIOR. Where d’you get that from?
JOHN (primly). Some of us don’t fritter away our dairy rations on cheese omelettes, John Junior. Been saving up for weeks for this.
JOHN JUNIOR. Give us a lick.
JOHN. Not on your nelly.
JOHN JUNIOR. Aw, lemme have a –
JOHN. Get off –
JOHN JUNIOR. Just a quick one –
JOHN. NO!
JOHN JUNIOR. Alright, well, what about your wrapper then?
JOHN. What about it?
JOHN JUNIOR. Give us a little suck on it.
JOHN. Piss off.
JOHN JUNIOR. Alright, just a lick then.
JOHN. No. I’m saving it for my wife.
JOHN JUNIOR. I only want a taste, your wife’s fat enough already. You’re a feeder, you.
JOHN. John Junior! My wife is not fat. My wife has just given birth to a twelve-pound baby, it was a very difficult labour and it’s very rude of you to –
JOHN JUNIOR. LET ME LICK YOUR WRAPPER!
JOHN. Pull yourself together, boy! What would Mr Womble say if he could see this exhibition, eh? Now come on. We’ve got four more drop-offs before we can –
SAUL (off). Vanessa!
VANESSA. Go away!
SAUL. But Vanessa! I’m having a heart attack! … Ow!
VANESSA (singing). Oh, the toe bone’s connected to the foot bone, the foot bone’s connected to the –
SAUL. Vanessa!
VANESSA. – ankle bone, the ankle bone’s connected to the leg bone, the leg bone’s connected to the –
SAUL. Shut up!
VANESSA. – knee bone, the knee bone’s connected to the –
SAUL. Open this door now!
VANESSA (shouting now). – THIGH BONE, THE THIGH BONE’S CONNECTED TO THE HIP BONE, NOW HEAR THE WORD OF THE LORD –
SAUL. You’ve left off the torso, you silly cow! If your toes freeze together again, I’m not taking you to the hospital to have them chipped apart this time. I’ll do it myself and put the bits in a punch bowl and have cocktails on the bloody veranda!
VANESSA (calling). Don’t be so stupid, Saul. The stock will spoil.
SAUL (off). Then you will have that on your conscience, wife.
VANESSA (calling). I didn’t turn the power off, did I?
SAUL. You are behaving in such a naughty way that my hand was forced. Do you understand, wife? You left me no other option. No other option!
