Cans

Stuart Slade

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2014
• eBook ISBN: 9781780015330
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A searingly funny debut play about death, betrayal, and the possibility of forgiveness. And cider.

Jen's dad was a chat-show host, a national treasure. But now he's dead and Jen's getting spat at in supermarkets. To make matters worse, Uncle Len has made it his mission to help her get over it.

Hiding from a very hostile world in a very shitty garage, Len and Jen down cider, drown mice, talk crap, mend cats, share painful secrets, tell appalling jokes, and try to work out whether either of them has any kind of future whatsoever.

Stuart Slade's play Cans was first performed at Theatre503, London, in 2014.

1. Of Mice and Jen

The inside of a domestic garage. No car, but the walls lined with shelves of junk.

Two chairs. LEN enters, carrying a bucket of water. JEN follows, carrying a tote bag very gingerly.

JEN (already lost the battle). This is utterly skanky, alright?

LEN doesn’t reply.

It’s… evil and twisted and just wrong on so many levels. I’m just – I’m just not –

LEN (without rancour). Didn’t ask for no help.

LEN sits down and invites JEN to do the same.

JEN. No.

He gestures again.

No.

LEN (through a cough). Bender.

JEN. Come the fuck on, Uncle Len.

LEN pulls a can of cider from each pocket.

LEN (genially). Can of cider? Make it more of a thing?

JEN. A thing? Jesus.

LEN passes a can of cider to JEN. LEN opens his cider. Pause.

(Pointing to the bucket.) Is it warm water at least?

LEN. No it’s not warm water, you great spastic. We’re drowning the cunts, not treating them to an invigorating fucking spa weekend.

JEN. I just think drowning them in warm water would be… nicer. That’s all.

JEN opens her can of cider.

LEN (rolling his eyes). Nicer? Fucking give ’em a makeover first, if you want. Read them some poetry.

LEN gestures for JEN to sit down. Eventually she does, with a sigh.

JEN. I don’t see why we just can’t drive into the countryside –

(Points at the bag.) Set the poor things free.

LEN. Be back here like a fucking shot.

JEN. They’re fucking mice, Uncle Len, not like – homing pigeons.

LEN (shrugs). Telling you.

JEN. Are they furry little fucking experts in orienteering, Uncle Len? Have they got little tiny maps and compasses? Have they fuck.

LEN. Should have bought the snap traps, like I told you.

JEN. No – they’re fucking rough as.

LEN (parodic effeminate voice). Humane traps?

(Shakes his head.) What you going to do with them once you caught ’em? Take ’em to dinner? Fuck ’em?

(Smiles.) Seriously, though – my mate Shaun, right, plagued by the fuckers – got humane traps, right, because his wife was like this – (Mimes mouth yapping into his ear with his hand.) he throws one into a hedge, right, five miles from home. Cunt was back the next day, with a face like this – (Mimes angry face.)

JEN. It clearly wasn’t the same mouse, was it?

LEN. Jen. The mouse was all like: ‘I seen some crazy shit, man, and now I’m going to Fuck. You. Up.’ Shat in his cereal box next morning, didn’t notice it, ate it, got fucking mice-shit AIDS. Never been the fucking same.

JEN. That’s utter balls.

LEN. Come on, mate. Suck it up. Game face on.

JEN. We can’t do this. Uncle Len. We just can’t.

Pause.

LEN. You going to do the first one, or am I?

JEN. No. No.

LEN. Right then.

LEN picks a small perspex box and a stick from the tote bag. He holds the box over the bucket. Ready to drop –

JEN. Shouldn’t we at least say something? Sorry or something.

Pause. LEN holds up his can.

LEN. Cheers!

LEN puts the box in the water and pushes it to the bottom with the stick.

JEN. Fuck. Fuck.

JEN stands up, walks in a circle. She finds this extremely traumatic.

Get him out of there, Uncle Len. Please.

LEN. Look, Jen, we got to. If you poison ’em, they crawl between the walls and die and stink up the house for months.

JEN. Len, please!

LEN. If you use a snap trap, you get blood and guts and shit all over your carpets – and they scream and that, like this – (Does impression of scream.) This way’s kinder.

JEN. It’s not kind, alright?

LEN. I know what I’m talking about, alright. I done mice, I done rats, I done foxes and next week I’m starting on badgers. Karmically I’m fucked, but I’m a fucking pro at vermin, right?

(With something like glee.) Look at the little bastard – fucking going for it now. Come on, swim, you little fucker!

JEN. Stop it.

LEN. They’re smaller when they’re wet.

(Philosophically.) Fur bulks ’em out, you see. You ever seen a cat come out a swimming pool? Look all fucking thin and emaciated and Auschwitz-y. Fucking unsettling, a wet cat.

JEN looks in the bucket and winces.

JEN. This is fucking ghoulish.

LEN (emphatically). I promised your mum. Least I can do.

JEN. Uncle Len.

Pause.

He’s not – is he?

LEN. Takes a while yet.

Horrible pause.

Nice to finally spend some time with you, Jen.

JEN. Fuck off!

LEN. Haven’t seen you since… well.

(Smiles.) Remember, though – when we used to play Hungry Hungry Hippo together, when you was little – used to go mental for it – remember?

JEN (a little fondly). Yeah –

(Remembering what’s happening.) and here we both are, executing mice. Zip-a-dee-fucking-doo-dah.

LEN points into the bucket.

LEN. Look at the bugger now! Break-dance, Mickey! Have it large. Boom shakalaka! Boom shakalaka!

LEN mimes a dance.

Nah, he’s gone.

(Does the sign of a cross.) Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

(Faux-weeping.) He’s going to a better place, Jen. Well, the bin.

They’re both suddenly very deflated. JEN sits back down next to LEN.

LEN pulls the perspex box out of the bucket, pulls a plastic bag out of his pocket, and puts the box into it. He’s careful not to get water on anything.

Right – one ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Characters
• Cans
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information