Rules for Living

Sam Holcroft

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN: 9781848424692
• eBook ISBN: 9781780015750
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Everyone creates their own coping strategies or rules for living. But what happens when an extended family gathers in the kitchen for a traditional Christmas and they each follow those rules, rigidly?

As long-held mechanisms for survival are laid bare, even Mum, who's been preparing this lunch since last January, becomes embroiled. Time-honoured rivalries and resentments will out. Accusations fly, relationships deconstruct, the rules take over.

In Sam Holcroft's theatrically playful, dark comedy the instructions are there for all to see, audience included - so there's really no place to hide.

Rules for Living premiered at the National Theatre, London, in March 2015.

ACT ONE

Scene One

25th December, mid-morning.

An open-plan kitchen/living room or kitchen-conservatory of a large family home.

CARRIE and MATTHEW, an unmarried couple in their thirties, unpack their contributions onto the kitchen table: food, alcohol, presents.

MATTHEW. Carrie… are you okay?

CARRIE. What?

MATTHEW. Are you okay?

CARRIE. Am I okay?

MATTHEW. Yes.

CARRIE. Yes, of course I’m okay. I’m fine.

MATTHEW. Honey, I know that face – what’s wrong?

CARRIE. Shush.

MATTHEW. Sheena can’t hear us.

CARRIE. Would you keep your voice down?

MATTHEW. She’s two floors up; she can’t hear us. (Calling.) Sheena?

CARRIE. Matthew.

MATTHEW (calling louder). Sheena?

There is no response.

See? I grew up in this house – I know what you can get away with: about seventy decibels. What’s wrong?

CARRIE. Nothing.

MATTHEW. Carrie, she can’t hear us.

CARRIE. Yeah, because five minutes through the door I manage to repel her up the stairs.

MATTHEW. What are you talking about? She went to check on Emma.

CARRIE. It was just a joke. It’s a natural reflex: if you’re going to give me a set-up, then I’m going to deliver a punchline. Anyone who tells me that Father Christmas arrived with a full sack last night is going to get the same answer: ‘That’s because he only comes once a year!’

MATTHEW. Oh that. That was funny.

CARRIE. Then why didn’t she laugh?

MATTHEW. She did.

CARRIE. That was a fake laugh.

MATTHEW. Honey, I’ve known Sheena since I was eleven, she wasn’t pretending.

CARRIE. Really?

MATTHEW. Honestly.

CARRIE. Okay. I mean she married your brother so she must have a sense of humour.

MATTHEW. Carrie?

CARRIE. No, no I mean because he’s funny. Not because he’s funny peculiar, he’s funny funny. And, you know, opposites attract so – not that she’s not funny, I didn’t mean she’s not funny, she’s, like, super-intelligent, and, and intense… ly clever, so maybe it was just too childish for her, maybe I should aim a little higher?

MATTHEW. Honey, don’t over-analyse it. Maybe she’s tired? Her daughter’s really sick; she’s got a lot on her mind. Don’t take it personally. Just be yourself.

CARRIE. Yeah but sometimes ‘myself’ is a bit much, you know, for some people. Should I rein it in a bit? You can tell me, I won’t mind. I know how much your family means to you. I should tone it down a bit, shouldn’t I? You can say.

MATTHEW. Well, it’s not rocket science, Carrie, just don’t be vulgar.

CARRIE. Vulgar? You think I’m vulgar?

MATTHEW. No, I don’t think you’re vulgar.

CARRIE. Then who does? Did your mum call me vulgar?

MATTHEW. No, no, I just meant that the things we joke about together aren’t necessarily the things to joke about in front of my family. Not everybody has the same sense of humour.

CARRIE. Yes, hello, I know that. I paid a lot of money to learn all about that. Do I walk into your office and tell you how to be a lawyer?

MATTHEW. No, but you’d ask me to tone it down if I went to stay with your family and dispensed legal advice five minutes after walking through the door.

Beat.

CARRIE. Wow. Say what you really feel, why don’t you?

MATTHEW. Carrie –

CARRIE. You sure know how to make a girl feel better about herself.

MATTHEW. Honey, you just said I should be honest.

CARRIE. No, no, don’t let me stop you. But on the subject of honesty, might I remind you, that if you wanted a wallflower for a girlfriend, you shouldn’t have picked me!

Scene Two

The following rule is displayed to the audience for the duration of the scene:

Rule 1: Matthew must sit to tell a lie

When it is indicated that MATTHEW either sits or stands, he must remain either seated or standing until stated otherwise.

MATTHEW. Carrie, that’s… that’s what you got from what I just said? That I want a wallflower for a girlfriend? I didn’t say that. I’d never say that. Honey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Hey, look at me. Carrie, honey, please don’t do this, not today, it’s Christmas –

CARRIE. I’m sorry. I hate being like this. I don’t want to be this irritating, whining person. I just… I just really want your family to like me.

MATTHEW. I know, I know. (Sitting.) And they do. They do like you.

CARRIE. They don’t know what to make of me. I’m never going to fit in.

MATTHEW (remaining seated). Of course you’re going to fit in. You do. Fit in. Currently.

CARRIE. You’re just saying that.

MATTHEW. I’m not just saying that.

CARRIE. What about your mum, what does she say about me? Does she say I’m funny?

MATTHEW (standing). Mum said you’re always seeing the funny side of things.

CARRIE. And she said she liked that?

MATTHEW (sitting). Absolutely.

CARRIE. Really? Because I get the feeling she sees me as your… act of rebellion: in everything else you made the sensible decision. And then you met The Actress.

MATTHEW (standing). Carrie, we’ve been over this: before I went to law school I appeared in no less than fourteen amateur musicals. The only surprise to my family is that you’re an actress not an actor. So just relax. This isn’t an audition: you don’t need to entertain them; you could just try talking to them. Or better yet, listen. As a general rule, people think you’re a really interesting person if you let them talk at you about something of real interest to them.

They smile at each other.

CARRIE. I’m sorry that we keep having this same conversation.

MATTHEW (sitting). That’s okay. I don’t mind. We’ll keep doing it until we get it right.

CARRIE. That’s what you said to me the first time we made love.

MATTHEW (standing). Yeah, that’s the kind of joke you can’t make in front of my mother.

CARRIE. Got it. No probs. Hey, Matthew? I know I must drive you a bit nuts, but you’re so patient with me, and I want you to know that after a whole year, I’m still so in love with you.

MATTHEW (sitting beside her). I’m still so in love with you too.

They kiss. SHEENA enters.

(Standing, breaking away from CARRIE.) Sheena! Hey, hey. How’s Emma? Shall I go up?

SHEENA. Could you give her half an hour? She’s just having a little rest.

MATTHEW. Sure, sure no problem. Whatever you want, whatever you need.

SHEENA (referring to their contributions). Well, look at all this: you’ve brought so much. These look… what are these?

CARRIE. Mince pies. I make them with filo pastry. It’s more like a mince parcel.

SHEENA. A mince parcel, that’s hilarious. I bet they’re delicious.

MATT...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Acknowledgements
• Characters
• Notes on the Rules
• Rules for Living
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information