Not a Game for Boys

Simon Block

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN: 9781848425033
• eBook ISBN: 9781780016337
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A razor-sharp comedy about three cabbies competing in a local table tennis league.

Once a week, three cabbies seek respite from their lives in a local table tennis league, and tonight they must win – or face the unthinkable oblivion of relegation.

Deeper rivalries and competitive obsessions emerge as the team try to survive the pressure, but the real game takes place anywhere but at the table.

Not a Game for Boys was originally performed at the Royal Court Theatre, London, in 1995. It was revived at the King's Head Theatre, London, in 2015.

ACT ONE

Centre stage stands a small, round pub table with an ashtray, surrounded by three wooden chairs.

Two of the chairs face the audience, in one of which is seated OSCAR, a cabbie in his early fifties. Under a still-wet, black raincoat he wears a dark suit, dark tie, dark socks, and his best black shoes. On the floor beside his chair is a sports bag, zipped. He is slightly slouched in the chair, and ponders a point above and beyond him, smoking a thin panatela cigar. On the floor beside another chair sits an old-style holdall.

ERIC plays with the pool cue ball. He is around fifty and wears a nylon tracksuit circa 1976 – sky blue with white piping, white zips at the ankle. He wears an old pair of tennis shoes.

ERIC. So… this afternoon. It was a good turnout?

OSCAR. Bearing in mind your workday funeral typically draws a smaller crowd…

ERIC. So making the adjustment for a working day.

OSCAR. And another for rain.

ERIC. Rain. Yeah.

OSCAR. And that Fat Derek was reviled by everyone in the league.

ERIC. True.

OSCAR. Everyone he ever worked with.

ERIC. True again.

OSCAR. And by extrapolation a substantial percentage of his extended family.

ERIC. Very possible.

OSCAR. And possibly several members of his immediate family.

ERIC. To cut a long story short…

OSCAR. It wasn’t Pavarotti in the park.

ERIC. Anyone from the league committee?

OSCAR. What do you think?

ERIC. Lousy bastards. His teammates?

OSCAR. They sent the wife a message of condolence.

ERIC. Nice?

OSCAR. Impossible to judge whether they were sorry he’d gone, or sorry he hadn’t gone sooner.

Pause.

ERIC. Only two years older than me, Oz. Which by today’s standard is not a dying age.

OSCAR. Unless you’re Fat Derek, Eric.

OSCAR loosens his tie and slowly removes it.

ERIC. So how come you went to the funeral? You couldn’t stick the fat bastard any more than the rest of us.

OSCAR. Couldn’t say precisely. A sick fascination for the size of the coffin perhaps? (Pause.) Though more likely I suspect it had something to do with being present at his moment of deceasement.

Pause.

ERIC. You were present at his moment of deceasement?

OSCAR. Uh-uh.

ERIC. You were here last Tuesday?

OSCAR. I dropped by to meet Tony for a few frames down the Archway.

ERIC. You were at the actual match where Fat Derek…?

OSCAR. I was closer to him than I am now to you. The breeze as he went down rustled my Evening Standard.

ERIC. Halfway through his second game, I heard.

OSCAR. Third.

ERIC. I heard second.

OSCAR. Then you’ve been misinformed.

ERIC. Yeah?

OSCAR. Four two down. Game seven. Unlucky for some.

OSCAR undoes the top button of his shirt, and unbuttons the remainder. ERIC watches.

ERIC. So come on, Oz. What happened?

OSCAR. What would you like to know?

ERIC. The whole story. From table to grave.

OSCAR. Well. (Pause.) We’re here. We’re at the club. As usual the windows are locked. Heating’s on full despite the fact it’s a warm evening. I’m on the other side of the glass to be sociable. Out on the court. So… as usual Fat Derek’s playing his usual game.

ERIC. Twiddling. Fat bastard.

OSCAR. So he’s twiddling away, but it’s having little visible effect. In fact, the opponent’s on top. Playing Fat Derek all over the show.

ERIC. Fat Derek’s sweating by now?

OSCAR. It’s Fat Derek. Naturally he’s sweating by now. Like a pig on a stick. It’s oozing out of his face like hot treacle. Everything’s bloodshot. Chest’s heaving like a ruptured bellows, steam rising from every orifice. Repulsive. Anyway. (Pause.) Middle of the game he lays his bat down on the table.

ERIC. Mid-rally?

OSCAR. Fat Derek’s about to serve.

ERIC. I heard from Mickey Michaels he laid it down middle of a rally.

OSCAR. Mickey Michaels? Mickey Michaels… who claimed an extraterrestrial hailed his cab and made him reverse over the Chiswick flyover?

ERIC. Mickey Michaels said middle of the rally.

OSCAR. Which do you believe? What comes out of the horse’s mouth? Or its arse?

ERIC. Mouth.

OSCAR. Right. Which is me. The eyewitness.

ERIC. I’m sorry, Oz.

Pause.

OSCAR. So Fat Derek lays his bat down without a word. He looks to his left. He looks to his right.

ERIC. Why’d he do that?

OSCAR. Some things we’ll never know. Some things we’ll never want to know. (Pause.) Without a peep… Fat Derek drops like a stone.

ERIC. I heard to the floor.

OSCAR. From Mickey Michaels?

ERIC. Yeah.

Pause.

OSCAR. Lucky guess.

OSCAR starts to remove his shoes and trousers.

ERIC. So was he winning when he…?

OSCAR. Twenty-one twenty down in the third.

ERIC. You’re winding me up.

OSCAR. As the Mohawk later remarked: if you’ve got to go, go twenty-one twenty down in the third.

ERIC. Perfect timing was always a hallmark of Fat Derek’s game.

OSCAR. Not to mention surprise.

ERIC. Describe Fat Derek to a third party you’d say perfect timing plus the element of surprise.

OSCAR. Plus, now, dead.

Pause.

ERIC. So a doctor was called?

OSCAR. The Mohawk’s a doctor.

ERIC. Yeah, but of criminology.

OSCAR. So he knows a stiff when he sees one.

ERIC. I suppose he would.

OSCAR. When you think about it, Fat Derek had it coming.

OSCAR takes off his jacket.

Well… it came, so he must’ve had it coming.

OSCAR takes off his unbuttoned shirt.

ERIC. What about resuscitation?

OSCAR. Well…

ERIC. Reassure me here, Oz. If I start karking it during a game, give me some indication you’d at least try.

OSCAR. An a...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Character
• Not a Game for Boys
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information