The Maths Tutor

Clare McIntyre

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2015
• eBook ISBN: 9781780016412
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A wry and incisive play exposing how our desire for a normal family life and our fears about adults, young people and sex, can sometimes outride the truth.

Tom and JJ are best mates, sharing school, hobbies and the same maths tutor. Tom's parents seem to have the perfect marriage - yet nobody knows the secret deal that has kept the family together for years. But when JJ's mother starts a relationship with a younger man and JJ fabricates a terrible lie in revenge, everyone is forced to confront the hidden parts of their lives.

Clare McIntyre's play The Maths Tutor was first staged at Hamptead Theatre, London, in September 2003.

THE MATHS TUTOR

PART ONE

Scene One

ANNA lets herself into ‘Heather Cottage’. She comes in through the back door which opens straight into the kitchen. A holiday cottage. Basic stuff. Rudimentary furnishings. Hasn’t been touched, altered in years. The sort of place which is fine in the summer because you spend most of your time outside but on the spartan side and uninviting at any other time. It is a bright and sunny day during the Half Term holiday. That said; it’s not exactly hot.

ANNA has a holdall with her and a carrier bag. She puts the holdall down and puts the carrier bag on the kitchen table with the keys to the cottage. She looks about her, taking the place in. She is unimpressed. She sits down and looks at her watch. She takes two bottles of wine out of the carrier bag. She takes out her mobile and punches in a number. She gets an answerphone.

ANNA. Jeremy darling it’s me. Phone me. Please. I’m going to die here. It’s like a bloody youth hostel. When did you last see ‘Formica’? (She chuckles.) And ‘Fablon’? You don’t even know what Fablon is do you? Way before your time. It’s nasty old plastic covering stuff: the sort of thing my Granny had on all her shelves. You didn’t miss anything! The place has got a charm I suppose. I don’t know how I’d pitch it though. ‘Room proportions are excellent. Double aspect kitchen.’ Roomy certainly. ‘Original features’ I suppose. I haven’t had a look yet. ‘Original seaside English’ . . . Phone me darling. Love you. Kiss kiss.

She puts her phone in her pocket and has a look for a cork screw. She finds one and opens one of the bottles of wine. She pours herself a glass.

Blackout.

Scene Two

TOM is marking out a goal on the beach not far from ‘Heather Cottage’. J.J. is sitting on the ball staring into space while TOM marks out a goal in the sand.

TOM. That okay?

J.J. doesn’t answer.

J.J. (Beat.) That okay?

Again J.J. doesn’t answer.

(Louder.) J.J.

J.J. (turning round). What?

TOM. Why are you wearing shades? The sun went in ages ago.

J.J. I’m having a black mood day.

TOM. What’s the matter?

J.J. I wish I was a dog.

TOM. What?

J.J. Look at that daft bloody dog. All it needs is a plastic picnic bottle blowing along the beach.

TOM kicks the ball out from under J.J.

TOM. I think dogs are boring.

He dribbles niftily round J.J. who still doesn’t respond.

Come on!

TOM manoeuvres himself past J.J. and shoots straight into the goal. J.J. doesn’t pay any attention. TOM picks up the ball and comes over to J.J.

What’s the matter?

J.J. Would your Mum tell you something?

TOM. What do you mean?

J.J. If there was something she should tell you would she tell you?

TOM. You mean like something that was going to affect me? Like them going to separate? Or something happening to Alice?

J.J. No. Not sisters I haven’t got a sister. Something really important.

TOM. Alice is important.

J.J. Why? She’s only your sister.

TOM. It’s something you can’t know J.J.

J.J. Yeah. Well. Whatever. Would she?

TOM. What?

J.J. Would she hold something back from you?

TOM. Who? Alice?

J.J. No. Your Mum.

TOM. What?

J.J. A secret she should tell you.

TOM. What sort of secret?

J.J. I don’t know. Just a secret.

TOM. Suppose it would depend.

J.J. On what?

TOM. On why it was a secret.

J.J. Something she should tell you that she knows she should tell you. Would she tell you?

TOM. That’s a secret?

J.J. Yeah.

TOM. It would depend why it was a secret.

J.J. Fuck’s sake. BE . . . CAUSE!

TOM goes back to dribbling with the ball.

Would she Tom? Keep something from you?

TOM. I don’t know.

J.J. Something really, really important.

TOM. Like what?

J.J. That’s the point. I can’t tell you what. Something mega.

TOM. People don’t tell secrets. That’s why they’re secrets.

J.J. Even when they should. Listen will you.

TOM stops.

TOM. If they tell you they’re not proper secrets are they?

J.J. But would she tell you something she should tell you?

TOM. I suppose so.

J.J. Thought so. (Beat.) Parents are shit.

TOM. What’s happened?

J.J. Complete crap. Total, fuckin’ pile a’ shit.

TOM. J.J.?

J.J. Nothing.

J.J. gets up and starts to play. They kick the ball about together. TOM goes in goal and J.J. shoots.

Fuck parents.

TOM. Do you want to go back?

J.J. No.

TOM. What’s the matter?

J.J. My Mum’s disgusting. She’s got a new boyfriend. He’s horrible. Hideous. I hate him. Bastard.

He kicks the ball hard. TOM misses it and has to go after it.

TOM. Don’t take it out on me.

J.J. sits back down. TOM joins him with the ball.

Why don’t you like him?

J.J. He doesn’t like me.

TOM. How do you know?

J.J. He’s got hairy arms. He’s got really, really hairy arms. He’s a fucking gorilla. She’s fucking a fucking gorilla.

TOM. How long’s she known him?

J.J. Feels like for ever.

TOM. Do his laugh. You’re good at laughs.

J.J. He never b...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Characters
• The Maths Tutor
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information