One Good Beating

Linda McLean

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2015
• Topic: Literature
• eBook ISBN:
  9781780015699
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A remarkably vivid picture of one merciless family and three desperate lives.

Linda McLean's short play One Good Beating is a blackly comic account of a grown-up brother and sister who exact revenge on their violent father. Locking him in the coalshed as retribution for years of sniping, bullying and pain, they are both aching to use their fists on him for once. But he's not defeated. Yet...

One Good Beating was first staged alongside plays by Riccardo Galgani and Iain Crichton as the triptych Family at the Traverse Theatre, Edinburgh, in 1999.

ELAINE and STEPHEN are standing outside the coal shed. The coal shed is sideways on with the front door facing the left. The wall facing us is cut away so we can see into it. Inside the shed sits ROBERT, their father, listening to them.

ELAINE (whispering). I want to hit him.

STEPHEN. Me too.

ELAINE. No. Really. I want to hit him. Hard.

STEPHEN. What? You mean . . . go in there . . . and give him one.

ELAINE. More than one.

STEPHEN. How many?

ELAINE. I don’t know.

STEPHEN. Three? Five.

ELAINE. I don’t know. Till it’s over. Till I’m done. Can I?

STEPHEN. It’s not for me to say.

ELAINE. You would have to hold him. I couldn’t do it myself.

STEPHEN. It’s a bit . . .

ELAINE. What?

STEPHEN. A bit . . . sick. Elaine.

ELAINE. I feel sick. Don’t you? Didn’t today make you feel sick?

STEPHEN. Not sick exactly.

ELAINE. What then?

STEPHEN. Sad, I suppose.

ELAINE. Well I’ll hold him while you cry if you hold him while I give him a good thumping.

STEPHEN. But he never hit you.

ELAINE. Don’t do that.

STEPHEN. What?

ELAINE. The past is the past. Refuse to discuss it.

STEPHEN. I don’t understand. I thought the past was why we put him in there.

ELAINE. No.

STEPHEN. It’s why I put him in there. See how he likes it.

ELAINE. Well you’d better bugger off then. You’ll be useless.

STEPHEN. I’m a lot stronger than you.

ELAINE. If he thinks for a minute that you’re stuck in the past he’ll beat you. He’ll talk rings round you. Explanations. Justifications. No. Ignore any remarks about the past.

STEPHEN. Why did you do it then?

ELAINE. We did it.

STEPHEN. Yes, but . . . I told you. I thought it was for/

ELAINE. /I’m angry. That’s why I wanted him in there. Because I’m angry. Today. Now. This minute. Not then. Not way back then. Now. I’m bloody raging at him. I want to hit him. Hard.

STEPHEN. Yes.

ELAINE. When I just think of his face I want to smash it.

STEPHEN. Yes.

ELAINE. When I think of that . . . that . . . bloody box.

STEPHEN. Bloody awful box.

ELAINE. Yes. So. Can I?

STEPHEN. . . . Yes.

ELAINE. You’ll hold him?

STEPHEN. I want to hit him too.

ELAINE. O.K. but me first.

STEPHEN. He’s a . . .

ELAINE. He’s a bastard.

STEPHEN. A bad tempered old bastard.

ELAINE. He deserves a good kicking.

STEPHEN. A bloody nose.

ELAINE. She was too good for him.

STEPHEN. Far too good. Bloody bastard.

ELAINE. Bloody nose.

STEPHEN. Good bloody kicking.

ELAINE. Get him then.

STEPHEN. Aye. Get him.

ELAINE. Come on then.

STEPHEN. Come on.

They run at the coal shed and pull back the bolts to open the door.

ROBERT is sitting on the ground huddled in a ball with his hands wrapped over his head.

ROBERT. Don’t hit me. Please don’t hit me.

STEPHEN. Shit.

ELAINE. Come on then.

STEPHEN. Shit.

ROBERT. I beg you. Please. Don’t hurt me.

ELAINE. Hold him.

STEPHEN. Fuck.

ELAINE grabs hold of him and shakes him.

ELAINE. Come on. Pull yourself together.

STEPHEN. Look at him.

ELAINE. It’s an act.

STEPHEN. He’s pathetic.

ELAINE. It’s an act.

STEPHEN. I can’t.

ELAINE. Bugger off then.

She pushes him out of the shed. ROBERT unfolds his arms and looks up at her. He winks.

ELAINE. You old bastard.

She kicks him and leaves. STEPHEN is sitting outside, head in hands. She slaps him.

STEPHEN. Hey.

ELAINE. You bastard.

STEPHEN. I couldn’t.

ELAINE. You know what he did? Soon as you were out of there? He winked at me. Bloody well winked at me. That was you. You let him do that to me. You bastard.

STEPHEN. He was crying.

ELAINE. Crying my arse. He’s laughing at you. Go on. Take a look. Laughing.

She shoves him.

ELAINE. Go on.

STEPHEN pulls open the door to the coal bunker and ROBERT is smiling at him.

STEPHEN. I’ll hit him now. Come on.

ELAINE. Aw shut the door. Before the smell gets to me. Have you shit yourself, father?

STEPHEN. I can. I can hit him now.

ELAINE shuts the door and bolts it.

ELAINE. All you had to do was hold him. Hold him till I hit him. It was that simple. And quick. I would’ve hit him. Then you would’ve hit him. And that would’ve been it. One good beating and we would’ve been finished.

STEPHEN. I can do it now.

ELAINE. Do you know what you’ve done?

STEPHEN. We can still do it.

ELAINE. No we can’t. The moment’s gone. The moment when we could have beaten him. A good beating. Is gone.

STEPHEN. We can still beat him.

ELAINE. He beat us.

STEPHEN. But . . . you kicked him. You’ve done your bit.

ELAINE. That was different. I kicked him because he beat me. And I’m a bad loser.

STEPHEN. He winked?

ELAINE. Yes.

STEPHEN. Bastard.

ELAINE. Yes.

STEPHEN. I should never have fallen for all that begging and crying.

ELAINE. No.

STEPHEN. So what do we do now?

ELAINE. Exactly.

STEPHEN. I’m going to phone Holly.

ELAINE. No.

STEPHEN. Why not? I n...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Introduction
• Original Production
• One Good Beating
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information