Pine

Jacqui Honess-Martin

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2015
• Print ISBN: 9781848425484
• eBook ISBN: 9781780016962
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A delightfully unfestive comedy about a group of recent graduates doing seasonal work selling Christmas trees.

'Tis the season to be jolly. But the employees at Christmas Pines are certainly not.

Gabby has a first-class honours degree and an MA, but somehow she's stuck – for the third year running – counting Norwegian Spruce. Betty wishes she was ice-skating with her mates at Somerset House rather than 'gaining work experience'. Joe is nursing a broken hand, and heart, by lugging trees. Taj can't decide whether he's in love with Gabby or Betty. And they're all being driven out of their minds by Christmas songs on repeat…

Jacqui Honess-Martin's play Pine explores the value of learning on the job, the rose-tinted expectations of recent graduates, and the inability to see the wood for the trees.

It premiered at Hampstead Downstairs, London, in December 2015.

ACT ONE

‘Song One’ – Gabby

Scene One

Sunday 29th November.

GABBY is holding a tree upright as SAMI measures it. TAJ is in the corner, unnoticed.

SAMI. So what height would you say this is then?

GABBY. Five foot.

SAMI. Babe, see, this is the issue we had last year.

GABBY. I wonder if I shouldn’t be in charge?

SAMI. Graduate like you, I think you’ll be okay. What did you study again?

GABBY. You know what I /

SAMI. Writing, wasn’t it?

GABBY. English literature and language.

SAMI. When you / speak the English language.

GABBY. Speak the English language. Yes.

SAMI. It’s your mother tongue.

GABBY. Yes.

SAMI. Thirty grand to study a language you already speak.

GABBY. It really tickles you, doesn’t it?

SAMI. Cracks me up.

GABBY. Still. After all these years.

SAMI. You measure to the crown, yeah? Then, half of the leader and then you round up if it’s past six inches and down if it’s less. Cos six inches is half. So what’s this?

GABBY. Six foot.

SAMI. You are going to win ‘Best Outlet’ this year, I have faith in you, Gabs – I believe!

GABBY. Do you want me to slice your eyes out with this Stanley knife now or make it part of training?

SAMI. Won’t slice nothing with that one, babes, blade’s blunt, they all are. Health and safety innit.

GABBY. I thought you were in Clapham today.

SAMI. The only female boss in a male-dominated industry, you could write an article about that maybe.

GABBY. Yes.

SAMI. About how you are breaking balls and that.

GABBY. Yes.

SAMI. So you can stop eating the chocolates in the lucky dip, now you’re in charge, yeah? They’re for the kids. Set an example.

GABBY. Actually, Sam, could I change my mind about that?

SAMI. Everyone has to have a lucky dip. It’s tradition.

GABBY. About being the manager.

SAMI. You don’t want to do it?

GABBY. I think what I’d like is to just keep things casual, not stocktake and do rota problems and cash up and have to do Christmas Eve /

SAMI. You’ll be fine. It’s your last time, isn’t it?

GABBY. Yes.

SAMI. Really this time, not like last year and the year before and the /

GABBY. Yes.

SAMI. Unless you want to set us up an empire out there?

GABBY. No, thank you.

SAMI. We’re expanding, you know?

GABBY. To Germany?

SAMI. Surrey.

GABBY. –

SAMI. I’ve got a full-time job for someone. Keep your eyes open, let me know who’s good. I’ve got high hopes for this Joe guy, make him your assistant manager.

GABBY. Why not make Taj the manager?

SAMI. Because his Asperger’s scares the children.

GABBY. Sami.

SAMI. Just keep him out back.

GABBY. You can’t keep saying he’s autistic, he isn’t.

SAMI. It’s the spectrum though innit.

GABBY. What? No. He’s /

SAMI. Nothing like as smart as he thinks he is, that’s the trouble. GABBY. Not like you.

SAMI. School of life.

GABBY. Don’t say that.

SAMI. What?

GABBY. School of / life.

SAMI. What?

GABBY. You sound like such a bitter / old man.

SAMI. I’m bitter? You looked in the mirror at your face lately?

GABBY. All right. Who else is there?

SAMI. This Joe guy and some student called Elizabeth – oh! You’re gonna love this: the most important new member of the team, da-dah!

GABBY. Who?

SAMI. Here! Speakers!

GABBY. What for?

SAMI. Outdoor ones. So you don’t have to listen to that crappy little radio.

GABBY. We can play the radio on these?

SAMI. Nah, for Christmas stuff.

GABBY. No way. Come on, Sam, you’re not here every day.

SAMI. The customers like it.

GABBY. They hate it, they get it everywhere.

SAMI. It improves sales.

GABBY. What about staff morale?

SAMI. What’s more cheering than Slade?

GABBY. A bath of boiling oil.

SAMI. Don’t make me regret promoting you.

GABBY. That is exactly what I’m trying / to do.

SAMI. Especially after last year /

GABBY. That was a misunderstanding.

SAMI. I had to work hard to smooth that over for you.

GABBY. No you didn’t, I spoke to Big Nick, it was fine. The kid was asking for it.

SAMI. It’s not your job to discipline other people’s children.

GABBY. No, he got in the netter and he asked to be pushed through.

SAMI. He was four years old.

GABBY. We always put Taj through the netter. That’s a tradition.

SAMI. Yeah, well, there is someone who is asking for it.

TAJ. I don’t like it actually.

SAMI. How long have you been sitting there?

TAJ. About an hour.

SAMI. We start at ten.

TAJ. The bus only goes once an hour on a Sunday.

SAMI. You can walk it in fifteen, Jesus, what, too excited to stay in bed?

TAJ. I brought Gabby a coffee, I thought we could catch up.

SAMI. By sitting here staring at her?

TAJ. I wasn’t expecting you to be here.

SAMI. Not over it yet then?

GABBY. Sami. Don’t.

SAMI. Okay. I’ll ask this Joe guy to manage.

GABBY. Thank you.

SAMI. You can earn five twenty-four an hour less, that’s about forty-two pounds a day, which is just over a grand all-in.

GABBY. It’s an extra thousand pounds?

SAMI. Thirteen hundred euro. You can be bossed around all day by some bloke who’s never done it before, that make you feel happier?

GABBY. It’s not the money, it is the money / obviously, but I just – I just.

SAMI. When you called and begged me for this job again.

GABBY. I did not / beg, you just begged me.

SAMI. When you called and begged me for this job again I thought this year, unlike last ye...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Acknowledgements
• Dedication
• Characters
• Act One
• Act Two
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information