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Scene One
Late night. A deserted side street illuminated by a street lamp.
A huge explosion. Sounds of running. Car alarms. Sirens in the distance,
CAT (late teens) runs on. She is wearing a very short skirt and has a sparkly handbag slung over her shoulder. She has a bottle of Bacardi Breezer in one hand and a car wing-mirror in the other.
She is very drunk. Her face is streaked with mascara. She has stopped to catch her breath and have a drink.
From offstage SOPHIE (late teens) is shouting.
SOPHIE. Cat, Cat,
Stop / For fuckâs sake
Wait.
SOPHIE runs in with one of her spindly high heels in her hands. She is similarly drunk. She is out of breath.
CAT. Alright /
Iâve stopped.
SOPHIE. Fucking strap broke when I was legging / it down Waterloo Road.
Probably got rabies now
SOPHIE throws down the broken shoe, wipes her foot with her hand and puts the shoe on.
CAT has sunk to the ground and is singing unintelligibly her own version of The Hives âHate To Say I Told You Soâ.
Donât go whacko on me now.
What have you done?
Youâre lucky to be alive.
CAT. Think Iâm gonna be sick.
She falls to her hands and knees and makes noises like sheâs going to be sick.
SOPHIE. You all right?
CAT. Mark hates my feet.
SOPHIE. What?
CAT. Says I could have been a duck.
Sick / fuck.
Feel worse.
She leans over clutching her stomach.
SOPHIE. Are you going to get sick? Will I hold your hair back?
CAT. No. Iâll do it myself. (She tries to get sick.)
So stupid.
SOPHIE. Youâre pissed.
CAT. No shit.
Got a stitch too.
SOPHIE. Sit down then.
CAT. Yes sir.
SOPHIE. I thought you were going to let the air out of his tyres / or something?
CAT. I surprised myself.
SOPHIE. You me and the people with their windows blown in.
What exactly did you do?
CAT. Stuffed me cardie down the petrol thing, stuck a lighter under it.
SOPHIE. Fucking hell.
CAT. Bobâs your uncle, Fannyâs your aunt, it lit in a shot./
Fucking bastard.
SOPHIE. Jesus Christ.
CAT. His petrol cap wasnât on properly./
And I couldnât help myself.
SOPHIE. Iâm shocked. Iâm in shock.
CAT. Nearly did a Joan Of Arc.
SOPHIE. I canât believe it.
CAT (putting her head in her hands). Oh God. (Half laughing.)
SOPHIE. Tina Roddyâs dad set fire to his girlfriendâs house.
CAT. Oh yeah?
SOPHIE. He went to prison.
CAT. Donât care.
SOPHIE. Theyâll throw you into prison.
CAT. Not gonna get caught.
SOPHIE. You hope.
CAT. Three fucking hours.
SOPHIE. What?
CAT. Left me in Beirut.
SOPHIE. Huh?
CAT. He just doesnât think.
SOPHIE. What?
CAT. I hate it.
Doesnât understand. Do this, do that. No you fuckers.
Bastard./
Itâs no fun anymore in The Near East.
SOPHIE. You better come back to mine.
CAT. Itâs wheeee . . . Out of control.
SOPHIE. Itâs arson. Do you understand?
CAT. Expecting, always expecting . . .
SOPHIE. Stop it Cat. Come on.
Get it together . . . please.
CAT. Destroys me.
SOPHIE. We need to get home.
CAT. Did you hear the explosion? (She giggles.)
SOPHIE. Youâve gone completely mental.
CAT. I could have any man I wanted. (She tries to get sick.)
SOPHIE. Right. Get up. / Youâve got to start walking ok?
CAT. Ok ok bossy lady. Just wait until those people pass.
I might fall over. (She giggles.)
Two inner city lads approach from offstage. They strut over.
BOY 1. A regular little party going on here, wha?
BOY 2. Are youse queers?
CAT. No.
BOY 2. What are youse all cosied up here for?
CAT. My friend was comforting me.
BOY 1. Awwww, Would ya comfort me, would ya?
SOPHIE. Right, you can get lost now.
CAT. Yeah, fuck off out of my face.
BOY 2. They look like queers to me. (To BOY 1.) What do you think?
...