Boys Will Be Boys

Melissa Bubnic

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2016
• eBook ISBN: 9781780017938
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

'I'm no friend to the sisterhood. I'm basically a man who sits to pee.'

Astrid Wentworth is a City trader, a ruthless player in a man's world. If there is a special hell for women who don't help each other, Astrid's got the top table reserved and a Martini waiting.

But, when the young and ambitious Priya applies for a junior position on the trading floor, Astrid recognises something in her and decides to give her a go. After all, what's gender got to do with it?

Featuring an all-female cast and cabaret music, Melissa Bubnic's play Boys Will Be Boys received its European premiere at Bush Hall, London, in 2016, in an exhilarating co-production between Headlong and the Bush Theatre.

One

A dimly lit cabaret club.

Punters sit at tables, talking among themselves, generally ignoring the stage.

ASTRID sings the first verse of Peggy Lee’s ‘I Love Being Here with You’.

ASTRID. How about a spotlight for the diva sweating her guts out on the floor tonight? I’ve been in S&M dungeons that are better lit, am I right? Am I right?

ASTRID gets her spotlight.

I can crawl my way up an anus by instinct alone but I need at least a lamp to find a microphone.

She sings the next three verses.

So I find myself in a bar last night… alone, I know, right? Tits like these and I’m drinking alone? Am I taking crazy pills or what? So I order myself a martini, Hendricks, hundred-to-one gin-to-vermouth ratio, I like ’em dry, I’m talking Sahara dry, Gobi desert dry, I want sand in a motherfucking glass is what I want and the bartender, this kid, this muscle in a white shirt and vest, this wannabe actor, dancer whatever the fuck his dream is, he hands me my drink and says to me, ‘It’s on the house.’

And I’m thinking we should fuck now in the toilets and that way I won’t have to wait until the end of his shift when I look into his eyes and see not desire, but pity. He feels sorry for me. This minimum-wage nobody feels sorry for me. He feels sorryfor me. Me. Like I’m some fucking character in a Billy Joel song. Like I’ve been sitting there crying into my sumac-spiced almonds. Is that who I am now?

She sings the fifth and the sixth verses.

I find myself in a bar last night… alone (I know, it’s fucking ridiculous, could’ve saved myself that Brazilian, it’s the equivalent of storing Monet’s water lilies in a broom closet, seriously) and a barman’s look sends me stumbling, tits-over-arse backwards into memory lane, to playground tan bark and the metallic smell of monkey bars and bloody shredded knees and the last time I saw pity… So I’m five, right? And my best friend in the world is James Kokkinos and he’s sorry, he’s really sorry, but we can’t be friends any more, we can’t colour in Garfield comics or play King of the Mountain because he’s with the boys now, he’s in boys’ world and I can’t come with because, y’know, I’m not packing the necessary equipment.

She sings the final verse.

So I find myself in a bar last night… alone and realise that I knew it when I was five, that the real difference between men and women was not wee-wees or pee-pees, but the worlds they get to live in. There’s boys’ world and there’s girls’ world and I’ve never been one for plaiting hair and playing house but how do you get into boys’ world when you’ve got a vagina?

Two

Peterson Jones & Walker office.

ASTRID is interviewing PRIYA SENGUPTA.

ASTRID. What drives you?

PRIYA. Money.

ASTRID. And why do you want to be an FX broker?

PRIYA. To make a lot of money.

ASTRID. Brokers don’t make money. We’re flies on the dung heap – and it’s not even our dung – we just sift some particles off the top.

PRIYA. The good brokers make money. And I will be a good broker.

ASTRID. Who, living or dead, would you most like to meet and why?

PRIYA. Warren Buffett so I can get investment tips. So I can make a lot of money.

ASTRID. What are your outside interests?

PRIYA. Why would I have those? All I want to do is make a lot of money.

ASTRID. And what –

PRIYA. The answer is money – to make a lot of money.

ASTRID. You’ve come across a man on a bridge. He’s going to commit suicide because he’s lost everything. Which of the following three things do you say? A: There’s a lot of people who care about you. B: I can find you a new job. C: Go ahead and jump.

PRIYA. Helping others takes time. Time I could use to make money for my company and myself. Screw the losers and move on. C: Go ahead and jump.

ASTRID. You’d really tell a suicidal man to jump? Really? Or you think I’m that big a cunt that’s what I want to hear?

Beat.

PRIYA. No, I’m sorry, no.

ASTRID. Would you tell a suicidal man to jump?

PRIYA. No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t stop to speak to him at all.

ASTRID. What specifically excites you about currency trading?

PRIYA. You.

PRIYA has ASTRID’s attention.

You have the most impressive client list at the best brokerage in the City.

ASTRID. I don’t have Morgan Stanley.

PRIYA. Not yet.

ASTRID. Honey, if you’re looking for a woman to mentor you, I’m no friend to the sisterhood. I’m basically a man who sits to pee.

PRIYA. I don’t want a woman, I want the best.

ASTRID. How do you think this interview is going?

PRIYA. I think you like me.

ASTRID. Is it important to you to be liked?

PRIYA falters for the first time.

Take this job and people, I mean outsiders, will hate you. They think we caused the crash, we took away people’s homes, it’s our fault they can’t buy a house, or can’t sell it or whatever. They think you’ve made a pact with the devil. They want you to be that lonely career woman, th...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Original Production
• A Note from the Author
• Characters
• Boys Will Be Boys
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information