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ACT ONE
A Victorian theatre.
POOTER enters from the wings, carrying his large, leatherbound diary.
POOTER. Good evening. My name is Mr Charles Pooter. I have long considered the question: why should I not make public my diary?
He gestures to his diary.
My diary. I often see reminiscences of people I have never even heard of, and I fail to see – because I do not happen to be a ‘Somebody’ – why my diary should not be of interest to the public.
He gestures to the audience.
The public. Therefore, I am honoured this evening to present a series of readings from my diary, for which a musical accompaniment will be provided by Mr Gervase Putley of Isleworth. Mr Putley!
POOTER enjoins the audience to applause. PUTLEY is revealed and gives a flourish up and down the keyboard.
Furthermore, those episodes of my life deemed especially worthy of interest will be subject this evening to dramatic representation. To that end, I am delighted to welcome, first of all, Mr Carleton Darwitts. Mr Darwitts!
POOTER leads the applause. DARWITTS, to an accompaniment from PUTLEY, strides on and joins POOTER.
DARWITTS (to POOTER). Good evening.
POOTER. Good evening.
DARWITTS (to the audience). Good evening.
POOTER. Mr Darwitts is an actor of considerable histrionic power, and is, currently, principal comedian with that celebrated amateur theatrical club, the Camberwell Minstrels. He will assume a multitude of roles this evening –
DARWITTS. Indeed.
POOTER. – including that of my dear wife, Carrie. I confess to having initially felt a degree of unease about this. However, I have been reassured that, such are Mr Darwitts’ transformational abilities, the theatrical effect rendered will be wholly convincing.
DARWITTS gives us a snatch of his CARRIE.
CARRIE. Charlie, I’ve been to Jibbons’ and ordered some Irish linen collars at four-and-six a dozen, but the butcher says he won’t have any kidneys till Thursday.
PUTLEY provides a ‘ta-daah’, as DARWITTS gives a quick bow to the audience.
POOTER. Well. There is a passing resemblance, to be sure, although to my mind there’s more of a look of dear Carrie’s mother. Thank you.
DARWITTS. No, thank you. (To the audience.) Thank you.
POOTER. Moving on –
DARWITTS (still to the audience). Thank you.
POOTER. Moving on –
PUTLEY provides another ‘ta-daah’.
Moving on, I should now like to introduce the next member of our little ensemble, Mr Leopold Birks Spooner. Mr Birks Spooner!
POOTER and DARWITTS lead the applause. To another accompaniment from PUTLEY, BIRKS SPOONER enters and joins the others.
BIRKS SPOONER (to POOTER). Good evening.
POOTER (to BIRKS SPOONER). Good evening.
BIRKS SPOONER (to DARWITTS). Good evening.
DARWITTS (to BIRKS SPOONER). Good evening.
BIRKS SPOONER (to the audience). Good evening.
POOTER. Mr Birks Spooner is, of course, well known as one of the leading lights of the Sons of Thespis, Hoxton –
BIRKS SPOONER. Most certainly.
POOTER. – where he is chiefly noted for his energetic recitation of ‘The Arab’s Farewell to His Steed’.
BIRKS SPOONER. That is correct.
POOTER. Which, regrettably, we shan’t have time for this evening. Nonetheless, we look forward to his skilled portrayal of multifarious personages, including that of my dear son, William Lupin Pooter.
POOTER and DARWITTS expect BIRKS SPOONER to give a snatch of his LUPIN. None is forthcoming. PUTLEY gives another ‘ta-daah’ in any case.
Finally, I should also st...
