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One
Clem’s House
CLEM and DAUGHTER.
DAUGHTER. What are these?
CLEM. Crisps.
DAUGHTER. Crisps?
CLEM. Kale crisps.
DAUGHTER. Kale crisps?
CLEM. Yeah, crisps made out of kale.
DAUGHTER. Crisps made out of kale?
CLEM. Can you stop repeating everything I –
DAUGHTER. Can you stop repeating everything I –
CLEM. Very good. LOL.
DAUGHTER. Please don’t say LOL.
CLEM (offering). Kale crisp?
DAUGHTER (picks one up). This is not a crisp. It’s not crisp. This is a flake. It’s a kale flake.
CLEM. Try it.
DAUGHTER. No thanks.
CLEM. Go on. YOLO.
DAUGHTER. Don’t.
—
CLEM. I made them.
DAUGHTER. You made these?
CLEM. Yeah, you get a bag of kale, get rid of the stalky parts, separate all the bits, cover them in oil, mustard, honey, lemon juice and tarragon and bake them for fifteen minutes. You turn the oven off and let them rest for fifteen minutes.
DAUGHTER. Jesus.
CLEM. They’re delicious. They are absolutely –
DAUGHTER. Have we got any proper crisps?
CLEM. No.
DAUGHTER. Fuck.
CLEM. Don’t say fuck. And you told me not to buy any proper crisps.
DAUGHTER. I didn’t tell you to –
CLEM. You said you didn’t want me to get any crisps, because of the trans-fats thing. You said you thought the trans fats were giving you cancer and making you fat.
DAUGHTER. Yeah, but I didn’t mean it. Obviously, I didn’t mean it.
—
CLEM. Top cupboard.
DAUGHTER gets out a packet of Kettle Chips.
DAUGHTER. The thing is, I did mean it. When I said that about the trans fats and the cancer and getting fat, I completely meant it.
CLEM. I know.
DAUGHTER. No, you didn’t. You wouldn’t have bought –
CLEM. I know you. I know you from the tips of your fingers to the ends of your hair to your weird little toe that points outwards like Daddy’s.
DAUGHTER. Do you mean my ‘special toe’?
CLEM. When you were little, we –
DAUGHTER. Yeah, alright.
CLEM. It was so sweet, the way –
DAUGHTER. Yep.
CLEM. It was –
DAUGHTER. Okay.
CLEM. So perfect.
—
DAUGHTER. You should have got the small bags.
—
I’m going to have to eat the whole thing now.
CLEM. Or you could eat half and put the rest back in the cupboard for later.
DAUGHTER. I could if I was a totally different person. If I was you.
—
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Aren’t you going to stop me?
CLEM. No.
DAUGHTER. Even though you know these are really bad for me and I’ve got no self-control.
CLEM. What you do with your body is your business.
DAUGHTER. You don’t say that about smoking.
CLEM. Smoking kills.
DAUGHTER. Trans fats kill. Do you want some?
CLEM. No thanks, I’ve got these delicious oil-and-mustard-and-honey-and-lemon-juice-and-tarragon-infused kale crisps.
—
DAUGHTER. Weird word. Tarragon.
CLEM. It’s a herb. It’s like –
DAUGHTER. I know what it is.
—
It tastes like aniseed and grows wild in Europe and North America.
—
What?
CLEM. How do you know that?
DAUGHTER. How does anyone know anything?
CLEM. Someone tells you. You learn it at school. You read it in a book. You go on the internet. You look for it.
DAUGHTER. Some things you just know. You don’t know how, you just do.
—
Stop looking at me like that.
CLEM. Like what?
DAUGHTER. Like that.
CLEM. I’m proud of you.
DAUGHTER. Because I know about ...
