Education, Education, Education

The Wardrobe Ensemble

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2017
• Print ISBN:
  9781848427266
• eBook ISBN:
  9781780019871
• Topic: Letteratura
• Subtopic: Teatro britannico

It's May 1997. Tony Blair has won the election and Katrina and the Waves have won Eurovision. Channel 5 is a month old. No one knows who Harry Potter is. Britain is the coolest place in the world.

At the local secondary school it's a different story. Miss Belltop-Doyle can't control her Year 10s, Mr Pashley has been put in charge of a confiscated Tamagotchi, and Miss Turner is hoping that this muck-up day goes smoother than the last. Tobias, the German language assistant, watches on. Things can only get better.

Education, Education, Education is The Wardrobe Ensemble's love letter to the schools of the 1990s and asks big questions about a country in special measures, exploring what we are taught and why, and where responsibility lies.

Inventively theatrical and irreverently funny, Education, Education, Education was co-produced with Royal & Derngate Northampton and Shoreditch Town Hall. It premiered at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe in 2017, where it won a Fringe First Award, before touring the UK.

1.

1997. A run-down school. TOBIAS enters.

TOBIAS. Hi. Thanks for having me. I’m so excited to be here.

We in Germany, and Europe, the whole world actually, have been watching somewhat enviously as your country’s been undergoing a resurrection, you might say. Years of incredible music across every genre – Oasis, The Spice Girls, Prodigy, Take That. Hey – (Insert operator’s name.) could we play some Take That, would that be okay?

‘Back for Good’ by Take That starts playing.

So nice, thank you so much. I was so sad when they broke up.

Last year’s sporting successes in the Euros… almost. Your newfound pride in your culture and your heritage. Your amazing love for your princess. It’s so wonderful to see a country wearing its identity so proudly on its sleeve. You’re shouting ‘Cool Britannia’ from the rooftops and everyone else is happy to hear it. Casting off your shackles and dancing head-first into the future.

(To audience member.) Excuse me – have you read Socrates? I have. I like Socrates. The notion of thinking about how you learn, how you should behave, how you build something, how you move forwards, or backwards, or whichever way you want to move is really an ancient pursuit. Socrates would walk the streets asking questions. What is that for? What is the point in that? Why are you doing that? Why are you here? Why are you here?

(Insert operator’s name.) Can we turn off Take That now?

Socrates’ questions remind me of that Spice Girls’ lyric, ‘I said who do you think you are? Do you think you are?’

I just love British music. So how lucky for me, that I get to fly right into the middle of the party, here, at Wordsworth Comprehensive School.

(To operator.) Lights, please.

2.

Lights up on LOUISE telling a student off.

LOUISE. How dare you disobey me like that? I want you to march to your tutor group right this second and if I hear another peep out of you at ANY point today then it will be detentions for a week.

PAUL and other TEACHERS enter.

PAUL. Tea, Louise?

LOUISE. Thanks, Paul.

They chink mugs.

I’m watching you.

PAUL. Tom! Shoelaces. There’s a good boy. Have a Mars bar.

DONNA. Emily, headphones off, thank you!

HUGH. Nice essay, Tom.

TIM. Ben, no running in the corridors, please!

Blows his whistle.

Thank you.

SUE. Jesse, pick up your pace, you’ll be late for registration.

TOBIAS. Excuse me, little boy, where is the staffroom? Thank you.

3.

The staffroom. The TEACHERS strike a pose then walk forward.

PAUL. Morning, Donna.

DONNA. You look awful. Did you fall asleep on a bench again?

PAUL. Oh. No. I stayed up watching the election, next thing I know it’s six o’clock and I haven’t showered or slept.

DONNA. You smell like a Scotch egg.

PAUL. Thanks.

SUE enters.

SUE. Good morning, my little cherubs!

DONNA. Sue!

ALL. Sue!

SUE. And what a glorious morning it is.

PAUL. Spare us the rainbows, Sue.

SUE. It’s lovely to see you too, Paul.

PAUL. Urgh. First a Eurovision win and now Tony’s our new Prime Minister. I can barely recognise this country, you know I actually saw people smiling on the train this morning.

DONNA. Gross.

PAUL. Tell me about it.

Everyone slurps their tea.

LOUISE. Slap me with a handbag and call me Tinky Winky, what I wouldn’t give for a snow day. All in favour say ‘aye’.

ALL. Aye.

PAUL. It’s May, Louise.

LOUISE. Fuck yourself.

PAUL. Right, sure.

LOUISE. Whoever invented muck-up day is a sadistic prick. This year there’s no more Miss Nice Turner, I’m gonna be fucking RoboCop.

LOUISE fires an imaginary gun into the air.

And which one of you ate my Kit Kats?

ALL. Errrr.

DONNA. Happy with the result then, Sue?

SUE. Which one? Oh, Donna, this has been the most marvellous week. It really feels like our country is turning a corner. Mike cooked me dinner last night he was so happy, he hasn’t done that in years. We even…

ALL. Oooooh.

PAUL. Don’t get ahead of yourself, Sue. Blair’s not the Messiah, he’s a very liberal Tory.

HUGH. I’ve said it before and I shall say it again, ‘Love Shine a Light’ is one of the finest songs of our generation.

LOUISE. Eurovision’s over, Hugh.

HUGH. Quality doesn’t have an expiry date, Louise. Katrina and the Waves will be forever preserved in the formaldehyde of greatness. Tea, anyone?

ALL. Aye.

SUE. Three billion! Three billion, they’re promising to the education system, just imagine the possibilities! With those sorts of resources it’s only a matter of time before holistic teaching makes its way into the mainstream.

PAUL. Nobody’s interested in your hippy-dippy bollocks, Sue.

SUE. Did somebody wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?

PAUL. Far from it.

LOUISE. Shut up and make the tea.

PAUL. Fine.

TIM lowers his newspaper.

TIM. Hey, guys.

ALL. Where did you come from? (Etc.)

TIM. Says here’s we’re going to get the euro by 2001. They’re saying a European superstate by 2050.

Everyone groans.

SUE. It’s a rag, Tim, put it down.

TIM. Fine, but whilst I’ve got your attention, I’ve got four words for you: Pub. Tonight. Happy. Hour. Who’s with me?

ALL. Errr…

TIM. I’ll get the New Labour lager-and-limes in!

More murmurs, even less sure.

I’ll take that as a maybe.

PAUL. Hugh, can I have a word?

HUGH. Of course.

PAUL. It’s about PSHE.

HUGH. Right.

PAUL. Our resources are a joke. How can I be expected to teach our kids about the importance of citizenship with two drawers of felt tips and some textbooks from ’83?

HUGH. Come to my office on Monday and we can talk about it.

The rest of the TEACHERS laugh.

PAUL. Meadowfields are about to get internet access, four Acorn computers. The kids treat it as a piss-take and quite frankly I don’t blame them.

HUGH. Paul, I appreciate your concern,...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Dedication
• Director’s Note
• Reflections on the Devising Process
• Production Shots
• Characters
• Note for Performance
• Education, Education, Education
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information