The Unmanageable Sisters

Michel Tremblay, Deirdre Kinahan

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2018
• Print ISBN: 9781848427440
• eBook ISBN: 9781788500302
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Green Shield Stamps, a million of them, and Ger Lawless has won them all. It's Ballymun, it's 1974, and she has fifteen friends round for a stamp-sticking party.

Over one fateful night, fifteen determined women bring you into their lives in this funny and furious new version of Michel Tremblay's fêted Québécoise comedy, Les Belles-Soeurs.

Deirdre Kinahan's The Unmanageable Sisters premiered at the Abbey Theatre, Dublin, in March 2018.

Deirdre Kinahan's other plays include Wild Sky, Spinning, Halcyon Days, BOGBOY and Moment.

ACT ONE

LINDA LAWLESS enters. She sees four boxes in the middle of the kitchen.

LINDA. Jaysus, Ma, what’s all this?

GER. Is that you, Linda?

LINDA. Who owns all them boxes?

GER. They’re me Green Shield Stamps.

LINDA. Your stamps! They’re here already?

GER LAWLESS enters.

GER. Yeah, can you believe it! They arrived this mornin’ just after you went to work. Wait till I tell ya, Linda, the doorbell goes and I’m in the jacks and I shout out ‘Would ya hold on a minute I’m in the jacks’ thinkin’ it’s just one of the kids off the landin’ or something and then I go out and there’s this hunk of a thing standin’ there. Hunk! I’m telling ya, you should have seen him, Linda, you’d have fancied him, I know you would. About twenty-two he was I’d say, or twenty-three maybe, with dark curly hair and a nice little moustache and good thick arms on him. Anyway, he says to me, ‘Are you Mrs Lawless?’ And I said, ‘Who are you, the police!?’And then he says, ‘No, I have a delivery of one million stamps!’ Well I nearly died I did. I nearly died. Me stamps! Me stamps was all I was thinking and I was that flabbergasted that I just kind of bleated. Just a little bleat came out. Jesus, he must of thought I was ‘special’ but the next thing I know two other young-fellas are haulin’ in the boxes and then the handsome one is giving me this little speech. You should of heard him, he had it all practised and everything and you should have seen him, Linda. Drop-dead gorgeous he was!

LINDA. So, what did he say?

GER. What did he say?

LINDA. Yeah.

GER. I don’t know what he said! I haven’t a clue… something about his company and how they were real happy that I’d won a million stamps. And… and… I just couldn’t say anything. I’ll tell ya it’s one of the only times in my life that I wished that your father was here. He would have known what to say. I don’t even think I thanked the poor man and he strangled with all them boxes and he gorgeous!

LINDA. Well, it’ll take you weeks to stick them all in.

GER. No it won’t. There’s only three boxes of stamps and the other is booklets. We’ll be grand.

LINDA. We?

GER. Yes, WE! You’re not going out tonight are ya?

LINDA. Of course I’m going out tonight, Ma! It’s me night out with Robert…

GER. Sure you can put that eejit off, this is far more important. I rang the girls and Teresa and I went into Mrs Boyle and a few of the neighbours and they’re all coming round tonight to stick in the stamps! We’ll have a party. A stamp-stickin’ party. It’ll be a great craic! I even bought some colouredy popcorn and peanuts and sent your brother round the shops to get Coke…

LINDA. But you know I go out on a Thursday, Ma. Thursday is me Robert night. We’re going to the pictures.

GER. Not tonight you’re not. I’ve got fifteen people coming…

LINDA. Are you mad! You’ll never get all them auld-ones into this kitchen! And you can’t use the rest of the house coz it’s in a jocker with Dad paintin’ it. Jesus, Ma, sometimes I think you haven’t got the brains you were born with.

GER. Oh well that’s lovely that is. Put me down, why don’t you. Go out and have a nice night for yourself, Linda, and I’ll do everything… as per usual. I’ll stick a million stamps into them books. Don’t you worry about it, you just pick out all the stuff you want from the catalogue and I’ll get it, I’ll order it, I’ll drag it up here on me back… just like I do everything…

LINDA. Jesus Christ!

GER. Jesus Christ is right!

LINDA. Would you for God’s sake be reasonable…

GER. ‘Reasonable… Reasonable.’ Why would I want to be ‘reasonable’? And all I do for you, Linda Lawless. All I do for the whole shaggin’ lot of ya. Down on me knees, morning till night, scrubbin’! Scrubbin’ this place and then slaving over a hot stove and I never ask for anything, do I? No, coz I wouldn’t get anything, that’s why and all I’m askin’, all I’m askin’ is that you do your bit for me with these stamps. On this the greatest night of my life, because these stamps are going to give us happiness, Linda, a new flat, new carpets, a new life! And I’m not going to stick them in them books on me own. If you want your new bedroom or your new quilt set or your new curlers then you better stay home and give me a hand right! Even your father said that if we don’t get through them all this evening, he’ll do a bit of sticking when he gets back from the pub.

I just wish you’d do what you’re told for once instead of wasting your time on that Robert eejit.

LINDA. Robert is not an eejit!

GER. Yes he is. He’s an eejit and he’s a Culchie!

LINDA. Robert’s from bleedin’ Coolock!

GER. Exactly!… And he doesn’t even make twenty pound a week! Sure the best that eejit can manage is a night out at the pictures. For Jesus’ sake, Linda, you should listen to your mother and drop that waster or you’ll end up without a shoe on your foot.

LINDA. Stop it, Ma. I’ve told you I won’t be relying on Robert. I won’t be relying on any man because I’m going to earn me own money!

GER. Yeah, yeah, yeah…

LINDA. And just for your information, Robert is doing very well he is. He’s in training, I’ve told you that a thousand times and when he finishes his training he’ll get more money. I’ve told you that. His own boss told me that. His own boss told me that Robert is a great chef and when he finishes his courses they’re going to put him in charge of the whole kitchen then he’ll be rolling in it!

But okay, okay I’ll ring him and tell him that I can’t go to the pictures. Just to keep you happy, okay! Unless… unless I ask him to come over and stick some stamps with us?

GER. Haven’t I just told you that I think he’s a thick and still you want to bring him over? Sometimes I wonder… I really do. What did I do to deserve such a brood? Do you know that only this morning I sent your brother out to get me twenty Major and he came back with a bottle of milk! How many times do I have to repeat meself? Repeat meself. Repeat meself! Didn’t I just tell you that this party is for stickin’ stamps. Didn’t I just tell you that this party is women-only. Women-only. That is… women-only! So no, you can’t bring Robert unless he’s a poufter as well as a thick!

LINDA. Okay… Okay, Ma. Jesus. I’ll tell him not to come over so. (Muttering.) As if I feel like stickin’ stamps after workin’ all day in Jacobs.

LINDA starts to dial a number.

And what are you doing standing there? Would ya just go and dust some of your tacky ornaments and don’t be listening in to me conversation!

Hello, is Robert there? Howaya, Mrs Byrne, yeah it’s Linda, I’m grand yeah. Is he there? No? Ah well will ya tell him I called? Yeah, thanks, Mrs Byrne, thanks, that’s great yeah. Thanks. Yeah, I’ll see ya.

She hangs up. The phone rings again straight away.

Hello?… Ma! You’re wanted on the phone.

GER (entering). Twenty years old and you still can’t say ‘One moment please.’

LINDA. It’s only Auntie Rose.

GER. So?

LINDA. Why would I be polite to Auntie Rose?

GER (putting her hand over the receiver). Shhhhhhh would ya, what if she heard you?

LINDA. I don’t give a shit if she heard me!

GER (looks at her, aghast!). Hello? Can I ask who is this please? Oh, it’s you, Rose… yes, yeah, it’s me and they’re here… can you believe it? A million stamps. Yeah, they’re sittin’ right in front of me, boxes of them. And they sent a new catalogue. And I think I’ll be able to get everything! Yeah! Everything! I’ll do up the whole house I will! Every room. You want to see the stuff, Rose. I’m going to get a new cooker, and a new fridge, and a new Formica table with four chairs. I fancy the red one with the gold stars embossed. I don’t think you’ve seen that one, have ya, Rose?… Oh, it’s gorgeous. And I’m gonna get new pots, new cutlery, and a non-stick frying pan, SodaStream, electric carving knife… Oh, and you know those glasses with the palm trees on them?… Well, I’m taking a set of them, too because Lilly De Courcey got a set of them last year on account of her holiday to the Canaries and she paid a fortune for them, but mine are free! She’ll be bloody livid she will!… What?… Yeah, she’s comin’ over tonight. And they’ve got them fluorescent plastic tins for the flour and sugar and the coffee… so I’m getting them, I’...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Dedication
• Characters
• The Unmanageable Sisters
• About the Authors
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information