How to Spot an Alien

Georgia Christou

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2018
• Print ISBN: 9781848427860
• eBook ISBN: 9781788500791
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Contains: one confused alien, two brave kids and a busted spaceship.

What do you do if you think your aunt is an alien? Twelve-year-old Jelly and her brother, Jonjo, have their suspicions. She won't let them leave the house. Or ask questions. And she definitely won't let them in the attic.

Join Jelly and Jonjo on their quest to discover the truth in a rip-roaring adventure through space, full of friendship, fun and flying saucers.

Georgia Christou's play How To Spot An Alien is ideal for space cadets age five and up to watch, read and perform. It was first produced in 2018 by Paines Plough in their pop-up theatre, Roundabout, in a co-production with Theatr Clwyd.

Lights up on JELLY and her brother JONJO.

1.

JELLY. Most kids’ stories have a happy ending.

JONJO. This one, I’m afraid to tell you, does not.

JELLY. So if you like tales where good triumphs over evil

JONJO. And fluffy animals sing to princesses

JELLY. And no one dies a painful and gruesome death, then you best leave now.

JONJO. Here’s your chance.

JELLY. Go on.

Beat.

Good.

JONJO. So now we’ve separated the cowards from the heroes

JELLY. And the raisins from the nuts

JONJO. We can begin.

JELLY. This story may not have a happy ending, but it does have a happy beginning.

JONJO. Picture a house

JELLY. Made of red bricks

JONJO. On a terraced street.

JELLY. The door is painted dark blue

JONJO. With a moon-shaped window.

JELLY. Inside are two kids.

Lights up on MUM.

MUM. Jelly?

JELLY. Yeah!

MUM. Jonjo?

JONJO. Coming. That woman you can see there is our –

JELLY. Mum?

MUM. Yes, love?

JELLY. If the Earth’s spinning all the time why can’t we feel it?

MUM. Because we’re moving too.

JONJO. What are stars made of?

MUM. Gases mostly.

JELLY. You know the space in between the spiky bits of my hairbrush?

MUM. Yeah.

JELLY. What’s that called?

MUM. Just space I think. Now, bed, the pair of you.

She tucks them in.

JELLY. But –

MUM. Jelly, it’s late…

JELLY. I’ve got a burning question. Like if I don’t find out, I’m literally gonna burst into flames. Is that what you want?

JONJO. Is it?

JELLY. Is it?

JONJO. Is it?

Beat.

MUM. Go on.

JELLY. What would happen if you fell into a black hole?

MUM. Really, before bed?

JONJO. Pleeeeease!

Beat.

MUM. No one really knows, because no one would live to tell the tale. But some people think you’d be… spaghettified.

JELLY. Spaghetti-what?

MUM. Oh yeah, laugh all you like. But it’s a miserable way to go. Your body would be stretched like a rubber band.

JELLY. Then what?

MUM. Your arms would go one way, your feet going the other until you’re…

JONJO. What?

MUM. Torn in half. And then in half again. And again and again until you’re nothing… but a pile of spaghetti.

Beat.

JONJO. Cool.

JELLY. Wicked.

MUM. Now, sleep. Goodnight, you strange things.

JONJO. Love you to the moon and back.

JELLY. To the stars and beyond.

MUM. Love you the whole universe.

2.

JELLY. We wake up the next morning

JONJO. To a policeman standing at the end of our bed

JELLY. Which does not look like good news.

POLICEMAN. Children?

The POLICEMAN bends his knees.

I’m afraid to tell you that your mum

JELLY. Our mum

JONJO. Our brilliant

JELLY. Clever

JONJO. First-class mum

POLICEMAN. Has disappeared.

Beat.

JELLY. Disappeared?

POLICEMAN. Yes, she left mysteriously in the night never to return again.

JELLY. Maybe she’s gone to work?

JONJO. Or to get some milk?

JELLY. Or she’s playing hide-and-seek? Did you think of that?

POLICEMAN. She left this –

JELLY. He pulls a note from his pocket.

POLICEMAN. Dear children, I’ve disappeared mysteriously in the night never to return again. Signed, Mum.

JELLY. This doesn’t make sense.

JONJO. She couldn’t –

JELLY. She wouldn’t –

Beat.

POLICEMAN. I’m afraid

JELLY. The policeman continues with a serious and solemn face

POLICEMAN. You’re going to have to live at the orphanage.

JELLY. Now we’ve all seen enough kids’ stories to know this is far from ideal.

JONJO. But we don’t have anywhere else to go.

JELLY. As Mum has no family.

JONJO. So we pack our bags with our most precious possessions

JELLY. Which for Jonjo is his pet spider Albert, his Lady Gaga CD and his lucky rat’s tail

JONJO. And for Jelly is her encyclopedia, a half-eaten Mars Bar she found under the bed –

JELLY. And Mum’s pocket mirror.

JONJO. But Jelly’s got one of her looks on her face. One of her looks which either means she’s got wind or she’s thinking.

JELLY. I’ve been thinking.

JONJO. Phew.

JELLY. Something about this doesn’t smell right to me. We can’t rely on anyone else. We’re going to have to solve the mystery of Mum’s disappearance ours...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Characters
• Notes for Playing
• How To Spot An Alien
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information