The Hoes

Ifeyinwa Frederick

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2018
• Print ISBN: 9781848427990
• eBook ISBN: 9781788501255
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

'Once you're a woman doing as she pleases with her body, in someone's eyes you qualify for hoe status.'

Bim, Alex and J have been best friends since school. Loud, funny, inseparable – they are the epitome of girls who just want to have fun.

But now they're twenty-five, life is starting to get in the way. Careers, relationships, expectations... What better way to escape than a trip to Ibiza for a week of sun, sea and selfies?

But there's trouble in paradise when reality catches up with them, threatening to derail their holiday as they are forced to accept no amount of partying will let them escape themselves.

The Hoes is a riotous celebration of sisterhood, showing that while life may throw up unexpected turbulence, friendships will last the course. It premiered at Hampstead Theatre Downstairs, London, in 2018.

The Hoes is Ifeyinwa Frederick's debut play. It was longlisted for the Verity Bargate Award, and shortlisted for the Tony Craze and Character 7 Awards.

Scene One

It is the third full day of the girls’ holiday. They have been there for three nights already. 3 p.m. Tulisa’s ‘Young’ is playing in the background. J is in the bathroom. ALEX and BIM are sat on one of the beds drinking rosé out of mugs. They also have a bottle of Sambuca, vodka and bottle of a mixer. They are dressed in the clothes they slept in. Matching pyjamas is not a thing for the girls. Pyjamas for them consist of T-shirts, shorts, long strap tops – anything that covers them without outdoing the benefits of air-conditioning. The room looks lived-in, messy, though not dirty. Not wanting to unpack, they use their suitcases as their wardrobe, which their clothes are now spilling out of and clothes they have previously worn or have tried on and discarded are also all over the room. Make-up and hair accessories are also out. There is a makeshift money jar somewhere in the room, visible to the audience, and there are already some euros in it. The girls are supposed to be getting ready to go out, though drinking has taken precedence over actually getting dressed. BIM is drinking at a faster pace than ALEX, who nurses the same drink throughout their conversation.

ALEX. Had he finished?

BIM is silent.

So, you literally just got up and ran? Did you even say bye? BIM. Did I even know his name? He didn’t need a bye. ALEX. I’m actually done.

BIM. I was too, that’s why I left.

ALEX. What do you think he did after?

BIM. Probably called me a hoe and finished himself off whilst dreaming about still being inside me.

ALEX. You are…

BIM. When in Ibiza… Might stay off the tequila rosé today though. I can’t handle those shots like I used to and I don’t wanna make it a habit.

ALEX. The one-night stands or the running after sex?

BIM. The latter.

ALEX. The alcohol didn’t make you run, Bim. That was all you.

BIM. True, but I only ran once the alcohol wore off and he started to look a lot less like Drake than I remembered. And in fact, if it wasn’t for the shots you made me do I would have chosen someone actually good looking. So really this is all on you. You deprived Mr ‘I Don’t Know His Name’ of his big finish. So how did you sleep last night?

ALEX. Pretty well, actually.

BIM. I can imagine. All that masturbation must tire you out.

ALEX’s face says ‘what?’

Babe, every day you’re in there – (Gesturing towards the bathroom.) doing – (Imitates the sound of a vibrator.)

A guilty silence from ALEX.

Missing his tongue, are you?

BIM pretends to push a head down to her groin and starts making pleasure sounds as if she’s receiving oral sex.

Ah, yes, right, there.

ALEX. Shut up!

BIM. Why are you acting like all the time you spend at his, you’re sat watching Disney? If he’s not eating you out at least twice each time you visit, you should ask for a refund on your Uber fare.

ALEX. Bim!

BIM. His lips were made for it. It’s only fair.

ALEX. That is my boyfriend you’re talking about.

BIM. A fact is a fact.

BIM pours herself another drink. ALEX goes to speak but stops herself. BIM picks up on it.

Go on. What?

ALEX. Promise you won’t get mad?

BIM. I’m Nigerian. I can’t promise you that. Fire runs in my blood.

ALEX sighs.

Just say.

ALEX. I think… well, I was wondering… maybe you should slow down.

BIM. Are you the alcohol police?

ALEX. No, I meant with men. Just that guy you did a runner on, he’s the third one you’ve slept with since we got here.

BIM. And?

ALEX. We’ve only been here three nights.

BIM. So, I have a hundred-per-cent success rate.

ALEX. And then there’s Chris.

BIM. That’s different. We’re friends.

ALEX. And you’ve had sex with plenty of your ‘friends’.

BIM. Not ones like Chris I haven’t. We’re actual friends and you know this. Think about how long I’ve known him. He was there for every essay crisis and actual crisis at uni. I don’t think he can be put in the same category as those other guys.

ALEX. Fair point. But I’m just saying, we’ve been friends since before you even knew how to write an essay and you wouldn’t even kiss me during a drunken game of spin the bottle. Yet you and Chris have –

BIM. I haven’t slept with him.

ALEX. Yet.

BIM is silent.

Look, I just –

BIM. This is me, Alex. This is what I do. I like men. I like sex.

ALEX. I know. And you know me. A couple of years ago I would have been joining you.

BIM. Exactly!

ALEX. I just don’t want you doing it for the wrong reasons.

BIM. My vagina wanting it isn’t good enough a reason for you?

ALEX. That’s not what I –

BIM. Look, just because you’ve opted to have one dick inside you for the rest of your life doesn’t mean I have to join you.

ALEX. Bit dramatic, Bim. We’re looking at flats, not engagement rings. And that’s not even…

BIM is now clearly ignoring ALEX.

I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. It’s just. It’s only been a few months since… Y’know, you’ve literally only just started your –

BIM. Which I don’t actually need.

ALEX. Okay, but you’ve admitted you need your sessions and you’re still having them.

BIM. And they have nothing to do with what goes on in my vagina.

ALEX. Is that true?

BIM ignores her and makes a point of topping up her drink.

Look, I promised your mum I’d look out for you.

BIM. I’m twenty-five, Alex! I don’t need babying. I have told you I’m fine. Now, please, can you just let me enjoy my holiday. That’s all I want. Please?

ALEX. Okay. Okay. I’m sorry. I won’t bring it up again. Just be careful.

BIM. I’ve got Durex, I’ve got Magnum, I’ve got Skyn. Don’t worry, I’m careful.

ALEX. That’s not what I meant.

BIM. Don’t worry, I’ve heard you. Now can we get back to what we do best?

BIM tops up ALEX’s drink and shouts towards the bathroom, opening another bottle.

J, hurry up! You’re missing out. We’re starting another bottle.

ALEX. Yeah, how long are you gonna be in there for? Some of us actually need the toilet.

J (offstage). Just come in, it’s not like I haven’t seen it before.

ALEX. I need a dump. I don’t think you want to be in there...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title Page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Characters
• Note on Play
• The Hoes
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information