3 Billion Seconds

Maud Dromgoole

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2019
• eBook ISBN: 9781788501538
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

A hilarious, macabre love story about a pregnant couple of activists attempting to offset the carbon footprint of their unborn baby's life.

Maud Dromgoole's play 3 Billion Seconds was first performed at VAULT Festival, London, in March 2019.

DAISY

MICHAEL

We are a plague on earth.

When I was born.

1990

Yep. Thanks.

Good year.

The population stood at just over five billion.

Five point two.

Five point two nine six actually

Five point two nine six and one.

She cheesily winks at him and points.

By the time I was twenty.

The population had increased

Drum roll

By thirty per cent.

That’s loads.

In my grandfather’s lifetime

Between 1900 and 2000

The increase in world population was

Three. Times. Greater.

Than during the entire previous history of humanity.

Going from one point six

To six point one

Billion people

In just over three billion seconds.

Michael and I

Met on stage

Population Pow wow

Coventry

2016

And from the second I saw her

Hell did we hate each other.

Michael was a paralegal with a degree in superiority.

Daisy was a ‘Poet’

Don’t do the air quotes.

Daisy was a poet ‘…’

We had ‘undeniable chemistry on stage’

And unbelievable rows offstage.

But it sort of…

Worked.

We launched a small Kickstarter

Funded almost exclusively by Daisy’s estranged wealthy pare[nts] /

And toured any conference centre,

Student Union

Or village hall who would have us.

It was hell.

Michael was attempting a vegan hygiene regime and smelt vaguely of kettle chips.

MICHAEL counts out on his fingers.

Daisy spent a week

Of both of our lives speaking

Only in haiku

We didn’t care for each other

But we both cared a lot about /

Population is the single greatest threat to humanity

But we can change that.

Simply educating men and women about population can have a huge impact.

When Iran introduced a national family-planning programme

1989

Its fertility rate fell from five point six births per woman

To two point six.

In a decade.

We shared a lot of cheap B&B rooms.

And stayed up late drinking conference-centre wine out of plastic cups.

Putting the world to rights.

King of the world for the next thirty seconds.

K

Go

Solve the NHS

Scrap private health care

Solve education

Scrap private schools

Solve immigration

Scrap borders

Solve wealth distribution

Scrap inheritance

Feed the world

Scrap

Eating

So much meat.

Solve population.

Scrap having babies.

Solve ageing population.

Scrap

Out of Time

Treating cancer?

That’s a lot of scrapping for thirty seconds.

I’m very scrappy.

When it comes to the three ‘F’ words.

Fuel.

Food.

And Fresh water.

We are

Fucked

Fucked

And Fucked.

And we are getting more fucked.

The more fucking

People are doing.

We didn’t get huge audiences.

Which, given we were acutely aware of how many people there were in the world

Was quite disheartening.

But we kept each other’s spirits up.

If you had to,

had to,

kill someone,

anyone in the world,

who would it be and how would you do it?

Donald Trump.

Wholly unoriginal and wholly unfeasible.

I’m very wily.

How would you do it?

Hit him.

Very ‘wily’.

With a newspaper.

Very. Ironic.

Seriously, try it. Don’t try it. But seriously.

Take like, twenty-three sheets.

‘Like’ twenty-three sheets?

Well twenty-two’s not strong enough, twenty-four’s not malleable enough.

Okay.

So right take twenty-three sheets.

Slide them apart by… three inches, roll it up,

Fold it in the middle,

Smash anything you wanna break with it.

Right.

And it’s environmentally friendly. How many murder weapons can you think of that are both recycled and recyclable....

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Contents
• Welcome to VAULT
• Dedication
• Original Production
• Epigraph
• Note on Play
• 3 Billion Seconds
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information