The Three Musketeers

John Nicholson, Le Navet Bete

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2019
• Print ISBN: 9781848428690
• eBook ISBN: 9781788501859
• Topic: Letteratura
• Subtopic: Teatro britannico

'My name is D'Artagnan, musketeer to King Louis the Thirteenth, defender of the Queen's diamonds, and the man you tried to poison in that bar.'

When the young and naive D'Artagnan sets out on his quest to become a King's musketeer, he immediately encounters the dangerous femme fatale, Milady de Winter. After discovering that the musketeers have been disbanded, he makes it his mission to get them reinstated. But will his feud with Milady thwart him? And who the heck is she?

This riotous adaptation of Alexandre Dumas' classic novel by John Nicholson ( Hound of the Baskervilles, Peepolykus) was originally performed by physical-comedy theatre company Le Navet Bete on a UK tour in 2019, with four actors playing over thirty characters. It was co-produced by Le Navet Bete and Exeter Northcott Theatre.

The Three Musketeers will suit any theatre company or drama group looking for a funny, high-energy adaptation of a universally loved story, which is suitable for audiences of all ages. Swashbuckling and rollicking adventure guaranteed – convincing French accents, not so much.

ACT ONE

Scene One

Birdsong plays as the audience take their seats. BECKY and EMMA appear in spots on middle and top levels and duet together.

BECKY and EMMA.

Welcome to this tale from France

Of gallantry and great romance

Of honour, valour, trust and sometimes tears

This story of four musketeers.

Lights up on the den below, where DAN is checking his watch and AL is fixing his bike.

BECKY. How did that sound?

DAN (simultaneous). Awful.

AL (simultaneous). Rubbish.

EMMA. Oh, thanks a lot.

DAN. That’s time. Calling all musketeers to attention. Athos? All for one. D’Artagnan?

AL. All for one.

DAN. Aramis?

EMMA. What?

DAN. All for one. And Porthos?

BECKY. Can’t we just say ‘Here’?

DAN and AL. No.

DAN. Item one. Evidence of trespass in the musketeers’ headquarters. Who are we putting on the suspects list?

AL. What about the Smith twins?

DAN. Or Mitchell Thompson.

BECKY. Or a badger?

AL. A badger?

DAN. You think a badger can unscrew a bottle of Fanta and pour himself a cup, do you?

BECKY. Yeah.

DAN. This isn’t Wind in the Willows. Musketeers, I suggest we split up and look for evidence.

BECKY. Okay, wait, hang on. It was me.

DAN. You!?

BECKY. Me and Emma came here yesterday after school.

DAN. And had some Fanta?

BECKY. Yes.

DAN. And didn’t write it down in the book?

BECKY. I forgot.

AL. You have to write it down!

BECKY. Alright, keep your hair on, Al.

AL. D’Artagnan!

DAN. And scene.

Everyone drops out of character.

Scene Two

DAN. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll explain what all that was about in just a moment. But firstly, welcome to the Theatre Royal and to this theatrical adaptation of the most widely read book in the world.

BECKY. – apart from the Bible.

EMMA. – most widely read French book.

DAN. To the most widely read French book –

BECKY. – novel.

DAN. To the most widely read French novel in the world, apart from the Bible.

BECKY. – which isn’t a novel.

EMMA. – or French.

DAN. Welcome to The Three Musketeers!

AL. Now, what we want to explain first is that Becky, Emma, Dan and I have all known each other since junior school. And when we were about nine or ten…

DAN. I was eleven – that’s why I was put in charge.

AL. But you’re not now.

DAN. Sort of still am.

AL. When we were younger, we formed a gang – basically because we were obsessed with The Three Musketeers.

BECKY. Well, mainly you and Dan were. Emma and I just wanted to be in a gang.

AL. And then we carried on being friends through high school…

EMMA. Although some of us went to different schools.

AL. Yeah, and eventually we all ended up on the same performing arts course and started making touring theatre shows together /

DAN. And now we’re here; at the Theatre Royal for four nights. Awesome!

BECKY. So about a year ago we had to think of a new title to adapt and one of us said /

DAN. It was me.

BECKY. What about The Three Musketeers?

AL. Sort of a no-brainer. And so we’ve recreated our den, with the treehouse and all the costumes and… well pretty much everything really.

BECKY. Well we didn’t, we had an incredible creative team: (Lists creatives working on the production.)

EMMA. Not forgetting Abi our stage manager there, who’s amazing – you’ll see.

The SM is visible throughout the show assisting with costume changes, props, etc.

AL. So, back in the day we obviously cast ourselves as the four musketeers /

DAN. I was Athos because I was the oldest. Becky was Porthos, Emma was Aramis and Al was D’Artagnan.

AL. Most handsome.

DAN. That’s right – cos he was the youngest.

EMMA. And as well as playing the four musketeers, we’ll also be playing every other significant character from the original text.

DAN. How? One word – acting talent.

EMMA. That’s two words.

DAN. Multi-character work.

EMMA. Three words.

DAN. Super-quick-change costumes. Five.

BECKY. Four. Between us we shall play more than thirty characters, with just the occasional help from you the audience. But don’t be alarmed by that.

AL. Well, maybe a bit, but I’m mainly looking at you, madame.

DAN. So, without further ado…

EMMA. Sweets!

AL. No, we said no to sweets, this isn’t a kids’ show.

EMMA. Oh come on, who doesn’t like something to suck!?

She throws sweets into the audience and ad libs.

DAN. Ladies and gentlemen, the year is 1606 and a very special baby has just been born.

BECKY. A baby boy, called –

EMMA (simultaneous). Jesus.

AL (simultaneous). D’Artagnan!

EMMA. I meant D’Artagnan.

Music begins. DAN and BECKY get changed into PAPA and MAMAN respectively. AL helps operate D’ARTAGNAN puppets. EMMA becomes a DOG.

Scene Three

A montage of D’ARTAGNAN growing up, telling the following story:

Proud parents holding a baby.

Photo 1: baby puppet.

MAMAN tries to deal with crying baby while PAPA chops wood.

MAMAN despairs of D’ARTAGNAN’s crying, so MAMAN and PAPA swap roles.

MAMAN chops wood while PAPA tries to get D’ARTAGNAN to hold a sword (as a baby). He drops it twice but then holds it and stabs PAPA in the balls.

MAMAN tries to feed D’ARTAGNAN but he swipes the bowl into the air with the sword. MAMAN pulls sword away from him.

Photo 2: they then turn and the baby puppet is replaced with toddler puppet.

Photo 3: D’ARTAGNAN stabs parents in the knees and is sent to play on his own while MAMAN and PAPA work on farm.

MAMAN and PAPA sadly watch D’ARTAGNAN play on his own. MAMAN whistles and a DOG (EMMA) enters. D’ARTAGNAN is very happy and rides the DOG like a horse and sword-fights PAPA.

Transition where puppet is replaced by AL riding the DOG. He beats PAPA in the sword fight. They hug. Family photo with DOG. The group disperses.

D’ARTAGNAN starts to pack a bag. The DOG watches him, then stands up to sing…

EMMA...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Contents
• Author’s Note
• Original Production
• Characters
• Note on Play
• The Three Musketeers
• Author to Authors
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information