Out of Sorts

Danusia Samal

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2019
• Print ISBN: 9781848428997
• eBook ISBN: 9781788502689
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: British Drama
• Index: Literature

Zara has spent her adult life being two different people. The good Muslim daughter, all set to marry the man her family approves of – and a free-spirited British millennial, who parties as hard as she works.

Over one dramatic weekend, the lies she's been telling to keep these two worlds apart begin to unravel and she is forced to confront her real identity.

Danusia Samal's play Out of Sorts was the winner of Theatre503's International Playwriting Award 2018. It premiered at Theatre503, London, in October 2019.

ACT ONE

1. Saturday morning

Lights up and ALICE enters, wearing running clothes and nibbling a jam doughnut. She heads to the counter to prepare a sandwich. ZARA’s phone is on the counter.

Meanwhile, in another part of the space, FATIMA enters carrying an iPad, headphones in her ears. She is preoccupied, working something through. Checking nobody is coming, she takes a seat at the dining table and talks to herself, in time with the beat she is listening to:

FATIMA. You ask me where I’m from… where do I begin? Skin…? Sin? Shin… shit.

FATIMA kisses her teeth and writes on her iPad. Meanwhile, ZARA’s phone begins to buzz. ALICE clocks it. The buzzing annoys her. It stops.

ZARA enters. For a moment she stands between the two worlds, unsure of herself. FATIMA freezes, as if hearing a noise offstage. A moment of stillness. Then:

ALICE. Morning, lovely!

ZARA moves over to ALICE and slumps across the kitchen counter. FATIMA continues mouthing the lyrics she is writing, quietly. ALICE quickly moves so ZARA cannot see the doughnut in her hand.

ZARA. Urgh.

ALICE. That bad eh?

ZARA (face down on the counter). I feel like shit!

ALICE. Is that guilt? Or a raging hangover?

ZARA. I don’t get hangovers.

ALICE. Well, they do say, once you reach a certain age…

ZARA. Shut it.

ALICE. Charmer! There, that’s for you.

ZARA. Wassat?

ALICE. Smashed avocado on sourdough. A ‘well done, Zara!’ breakfast!

ZARA hesitates for a beat, before smiling broadly and grabbing the plate.

ZARA. You are literally an angel. What about you?

ALICE. Not really hungry. Had a bit of muesli after my run this morning – what?

ZARA. You smug bitch! As if I can eat it now!

ALICE. You’re skinny as anything!

ZARA. Have you seen me lately?! I’m putting away carbs like –

ALICE. Shut up and eat the fucking avo.

ZARA takes a big bite. ALICE watches in envy.

How do you do it? I’ve had nothing but rabbit food for three weeks and I’ve put on half a stone!

ZARA shows her hands to ALICE, which are covered in avocado.

Kitchen roll’s there.

ZARA grabs a large bit of kitchen roll, wipes her mouth and throws it in the bin. Her phone buzzes again.

Ugh! Please make it stop! It’s been going all morning!

Without even looking at the phone, ZARA cancels the call. ALICE clocks this, leans in for gossip.

Is it him? Is it Jamil calling you?

ZARA (evasive). Dunno.

ALICE. So how was it? Did he cry?

ZARA. No.

ALICE. Should’ve. He’s not gonna find anyone better than you, ever… What? I know it sounds mean but it’s true! Jamil’s not for you, babe, no matter how much your family want it. You did the right thing. (Finding this very funny.) Can you imagine if you’d actually seen it through? The huge tacky wedding, becoming Mrs Estate Agent, moving to Brent with Jamil and his mum?! (At ZARA’s face.) Hey, I’m sorry, I actually am. I know, you feel bad for hurting him, and yes, your family will think you’re haram for a little bit –

ZARA (laughing). I wish I’d never taught you that word!

ALICE sings the word ‘Haram’ like a song in a bid to cheer ZARA up. She grabs her hand and they dance about the room. The beat FATIMA is listening to also becomes more intense.

ALICE. Haram haram haram! Zara is haram! But she did the right thing, and didn’t mean no harm. Haram, haram, haram haram haram!

They spin, getting faster and faster until it is too much. ZARA flops to the floor, laughing.

ZARA. I’ve created a monster!

ALICE (suddenly worried). You know I’m joking right? I’m not trying / to –

ZARA. Don’t be silly. You say haram, I say Aryan witch.

ALICE laughs. She checks ZARA’s plate.

ALICE. You’ve left loads! Aryan witch demands you eat up!

ZARA. Can’t! I’m stuffed. Such a fatty.

ALICE. It’s just avocado and bread.

ZARA. Says the muesli fitness goddess!

ALICE. I had a doughnut too.

ZARA. What?

ALICE. … And a few tablespoons of the vegan Ben & Jerry’s. For breakfast. (Appealing.) It’s tooooo good!

ZARA. Haha! Join me fellow fatttttyyyyy!

ZARA opens her arms to ALICE. ALICE pretends to be unwilling, but then suddenly leaps onto ZARA, crushing her in a bear hug. FATIMA starts mouthing lyrics again. She misses a beat, swears. LAYLA calls to her from offstage. All bold italicised text is in Arabic.

LAYLA (offstage). Fatima, is everything tidy in there?

FATIMA. Yes, Mum.

LAYLA (offstage). Zahra is supposed to arrive soon.

FATIMA (under her breath). But we both know she’ll be late.

LAYLA enters, a beautiful and energetic woman. FATIMA scrabbles to hide what she’s doing. LAYLA half-catches her.

LAYLA. What are you doing?

FATIMA. Nothing.

LAYLA (handing FATIMA dishes to set the table). Will you help me?

FATIMA helps LAYLA set the table. Meanwhile ALICE and ZARA cuddle like little kids, comfortable with each other.

ZARA. God you weigh a ton.

ALICE. Shut up! My costume’s gonna leave very little to the imagination, I can’t feel fat! What are you wearing?

ZARA hesitates.

ZARA!

ZARA. You know I hate costumes!

ALICE. I don’t care. We agreed white trash. Everyone’s dressing up and you are no exception. (At ZARA’s protest.) Wear an old bra and some sweats and shut up. You don’t get to be hot all the time!

ZARA. Screw you.

ALICE. Screw you too. Shall we get started then? Lots of cooking to –

ZARA’s mobile rings again. ALICE is annoyed by it.

Ugh! Again???

We see HUSSEIN enter, on the phone. He’s got a bit of a paunch. He is loud, playful, likes being the centre of attention. But he is also very generous and affectionate. Annoyed that nobody is answering, he hangs up. The buzzing stops.

Phew!

HUSSEIN dials a new number. ZARA and ALICE’s house phone rings. They nearly jump out of their skins.

What the fuck is that????

ZARA. House phone?

ALICE. We still have one of those?

LAYLA (to HUSSEIN). You are calling her?

HUSSEIN. Sh.

The girls try to find the house phone, but they don’t know where it is, maybe it’s buried under so...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Contents
• Original Production
• Thanks and Acknowledgements
• Characters
• Note on Play
• Set
• Out of Sorts
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information