ACT ONE
Late summer 2016. A dark and empty pub. Itās an absolute shit state ā the debris of last night not cleared up yet: glasses, crisp packets, a couple of stalls turned over, a rather deflated blow-up sheep in the corner. There are also some paper plates with some remnants of a buffet, the odd stray Wotsit, a lone sausage roll lies under a chair. During the early sections the pub is tidied and put in order. Thereās always something to do. For now, there is just the hum of the fridges. Itās a bit spooky. PEARL enters. Dressed in trackie bottoms, a crop top and jacket. She switches the light on. Looks at the mess.
PEARL. Oh what??
She takes her jacket off. She opens the back door, which leads up to the flat and down to the cellar, and calls.
LADS!
Kenny! Bill?
She listens.
Nothing. She looks out over the pub. Quietly:
Taking the fucking piss.
She goes into a corner to collect glasses. The corner is spotlit momentarily. She speaks to the audience. The memory is fleeting but vivid and the text is delivered with rhythm and pace.
Late summer. 2003. Mum; hoop earrings and a G&T. Shaggy on the jukebox: āIt Wasnāt Meā. Patches of sweat under the arms of her top. Well, it is fucking hot. Feels like summer got fat and itās about to burst. Weāre coming back from Nannyās but weāve popped in here first.
Mum basks in the weight of the male gaze. Laughing. Posing. Pouting. Smoking; working her looks. And Iām in the corner with an ice pop and Disney Princess colouring book. I want hair down to my bum and a tiny waist ā like Mum. What Iāve got is puppy fat and a lopsided bob that Auntie Shell did after seven pints.
Mumās with a boyfriend. Ricky, or Webster, or Steve? Yep, itās Steve, defo. Looking like the cat that got the cream. Back rod-straight, hackles up, he scans the pub. Does these jerky movements with his chin. Wants everyone to know that Fiās with him. Heās set to pride for his first four drinks. Fifth one turns the dial to jealous rage.
My ice popās melted on the page and my lips are blue. Iāve had jelly sweets at Nannyās too and Iām coming down off a sugar high. I want to go home. And sit on Mumās bed; copy her as she takes off her make-up and puts on all her creams and goo. Itās my favourite thing to do. Princess Jasmineās got nothing on my mum. She shits all over Mulan and Belle. But Steveās coming back with us ā I can tell. Thereās a sheen of sweat on the both of them. He hooks spindly fingers under bra straps, creeps them up her skirt like tarantulaās legs. Her lips are parted, he whispers something in her ear and she throws her head back and laughs.
She moves so she is not visible to BILBO, who enters from the stairs and floats around the bar area.
Iām six. But already I think ā what does it feel like when a man touches you?
She gets lost in the thought. BILBO looks mournfully at the pub ā then suddenly and spontaneously shouts into the empty space:
BILBO. CHEL-SEE-/EEEEA!
PEARL. Fucking HELL, Bilbo!
BILBO. Oh my God!
PEARL. Idiot, man! | BILBO. You scared me! |
PEARL. You scared me, you twat.
BILBO. What you doing here?
PEARL. What does it look like, dick-face? Iām cleaning up!
BILBO. Why?
PEARL. Cos you didnāt do it last night!
BILBO. I mean why bother? Let the brewery do it!
He grabs an abandoned plate of food and chucks it over the floor.
PEARL. KENāS OPENING UP. Tonight.
Beat. Confused.
BILBO. I thought he werenāt gonna bother.
PEARL. āBusiness as usual. One more night. Do me proud.ā Check your phone.
BILBO. Why would he text me? He lives with me.
She looks at him. He checks it.
Oh yeah.
PEARL. BILL. MOVE YOURSELF.
PEARL goes back to tidying, BILBO helps.
BILBO. He aināt come out of his room all day.
PEARL. Hungover.
BILBO. I left a latte and a sausage sandwich outside his door. āS still there.
Beat. PEARL works on.
I would have thought he was fucking dead if he hadnāt left a massive floater in the toilet.
PEARL. BILL!
BILBO. Sorry. But it was like an arm reaching for me.
He shudders with the memory. PEARLās phone rings: Amy Winehouse ā āRehabā. She checks it and rejects it quickly.
PEARL. Youāre a mug. You hungover?
BILBO. Nah Iām alright. I was sick.
PEARL. It was a good night. Loads of people we havenāt seen for ages.
BILBO. Yeah.
PEARL. Canāt believe Cathy Morris has got a new face.
BILBO. Yeah.
PEARL. They paid for it with their PPI. Tony must wake up every morning and be like WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
BILBO. Tony ...