Snow
A mountain of clothes, crumpled and neglected.
In front of it stand LUCY and PETE and BEANIE and JACK all facing the audience. Snow is falling on them.
LUCY. Itās snowing! And he says it like heās a seven-year-old or something. Wide-eyed looking up at the sky. Total joy. And then he looks at me. And itās like somebody has pressed mute on the sweaty party in our office above. And I donāt know this guy. Not really. And he doesnāt know me. But weāre breathing together as the snow falls like little angel kisses on our faces.
Both of us totally switched on. And I lean into him. He touches his hand to my face and it feels⦠like goosebumps and I know ā
BEANIE. Heās going to propose.
LUCY. Heās going to kiss me. And then Iāll be his.
BEANIE. I know heās going to propose because weāve agreed weāll get married. Heās got the okay from my da and everything so⦠I just donāt know when. And weāre walking home from the pictures, hand in hand and it starts snowing and I think. Now. Now would be nice. And I slow down a little because heāll have me back to my maās door before we know it and the moment will have passed. So Iām dawdling. And heās rabbiting on about the car Steve McQueen was driving in the picture and the snowās melting on my hair and dripping down the neck of my dress and Iām thinking, itās passing, the moment is passing. Come on, Jack.
LUCY. Mum and Dad got engaged in the snowā¦
BEANIE. Come on. Come on.
JACK. Itās like being in a cunting snow globe.
LUCY. I donāt know why I do it. I stroke my hand along the wall. And I shove a fistful of snow in his face.
JACK. āSnowball!ā
PETE. It always snows at Christmas.
LUCY. He looks so shocked. Expecting a wee kiss and now the ice is dripping off his face. He looks like he might actually cry and⦠Iām off. Pegging it away from the black-and-white-movie perfection.
PETE. In films anyway. Doesnāt it? Christmas and snow go together like⦠well, two things that go together. Like buckets and spades, haggis and neeps, humanity and the crippling knowledge that we all die alone. If the air is full of anything at Christmas, itās supposed to be snow.
BEANIE. Iāve stopped walking completely by now and finally he clocks it and falls silent. I nod at him and the penny drops and he fumbles about in his pocket for a while to get out the ring his motherās given him for me. He gets down on one knee and says, āBeanie, I plight thee my troth,ā which was an odd way of putting it but I got what he meant. I said yes and we had a little kiss and then he walked me home. Not quite like the movies, but it was⦠nice.
LUCY. I run and I run until Iām miles away from the kiss that could have been and the colleague Iāve fancied for the best part of three years. Iām cold and wet and Iām a fucking idiot. And I need to be with people who can help me understand why Iām like this, why I run when I should stay and all of a sudden Iām at a door, letting myself into the warm safe cocoon of my childhood home like Iām a teenager again. But one step in, I know my parents are rowing. Neither of them says a word but Mum is letting off a round of tutting like machine-gun fire as she irons my dadās underpants, while he lobs a retaliatory grenade of silence her way.
And itās colder in here than it is outside and I understand everything more clearly than I ever hoped to. And all I want to do is to quietly let myself out again and step back into the snow.
JACK. A couple of the men are lobbing snowballs at us. One lands on this fella whoās working, and heās none too pleased. He brushes it off his overalls, all āstop pissing aboutā and āwhat are you, a pair a kids?ā And theyāre shouting at him to lighten up. They lob one at me. I catch it and chuck it back, clocks one of them right in the face. Wipes the smile off him for sure.
But itās a laugh. Group of men mucking about together and I think, this is better than school this. This is gonna be okay. My wages in my pocket after a hard dayās graft. This is alright.
Sunās blazing outside and in here weāre having a snowball fight. White stuff everywhere, falling like snow.
The snow stops being beautiful and becomes oppressive. Thereās too much of it and itās getting in LUCYās mouth and eyes. The mood has changed.
LUCY. This isnāt snow?
JACK. Just looks like snow. Not the real thing.
LUCY. Itās not even wet.
JACK. Itās the dry stuff youāve to watch out for.
LUCY. What is this?
PETE. Expecting snow, ash is what I got.
JACK. You breathe it in and it takes hold of you.
LUCY. What the fuck is this?
PETE. Seven years old waiting for Christmas and everything is falling down around me except for snow.
JACK. Kills you from the inside.
LUCY. Get it off me!
BEANIE. Look at the state of you.
BEANIE takes JACKās coat from him.
LUCY. Noā¦
BEANIE is shaking the dust off JACKās jacket.
Donāt do that, Mum. Donāt breathe it in!
Introducing Beanie
BEANIE (putting on a pair of latex medical gloves). Itās the gloves. Iām not squeamish about the dressings or the yellow fluid draining from Jackās chest. I manage the clamps fine. I even quite like watching the vacuum in the bottle start to draw the fluid down the tube. Like squeezing a really ripe spot. Itās the latex gloves. I canāt bear the touch of them. Pulling them on to my hands, tight around every finger. Feels like Iām putting on a⦠[condom] well, you know. I never liked touching those either. I know why you have to use them. The gloves. We havenāt worried about the other things for years. Risk of infection ā Iāve read up on it. Got to wear the right equipment for any job. Jackās helped us both learn that the hard way. I wear the damn gloves and throw them off soon as I can. But this morning the phone rings soon as Iāve finished putting the clamps on. So Iām still wearing the gloves when Dr Sleeman tells me theyāve got the results of my chest X-ray and could I make an appointment to come in and see herā¦
And I know then that itās got me too.
She pulls off the gloves, disgusted by them, and throws them to the floor.
Introducing Lucy
LUCY. āWhatās the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesnāt ask you for a cuddle after you dump a load in it.ā
Overheard one of the technicians tell that one. Doesnāt make any sense. It assumes blokes actually do their own washing. They donāt. The women do. Every relationship without fail. I lived with a couple at uni and we all washed our own stuff. They get together, a few years pass, they have kids ā now she washes clothes for five people, says her life is one long cycle of moving clothes from one place to another. Iāve never heard of a single relationship where the guy does the washing. Not one.
Not having to wash somebody elseās shit is the best thing about not being in a relationship.
Whatās the difference between a woman and a washing machine? There is no fucking difference.
Introducing Pete
PETE. Iām having a really shitty day.
Long pause. Eventually he realises everybody is waiting for him to sa...