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1.
Evening.
ESTHER stands.
ESTHER. I’m nervous.
Beat.
I’m waiting. I’m –
Beat.
and it’s –
Beat.
I want a cigarette.
Beat.
I really want a cigarette.
Beat.
I’m not going to – I don’t smoke – I’m not a smoker. Any more.
Beat.
You’re right by the way. Showing too much cleavage is – you know what I mean? I’ve gone for something – I need to look nice, create the right impression, show myself to be, you know – whatever I’m feeling inside, I need to look – well – I don’t want to look like – I don’t want to look dumb. Who wants to meet someone who looks dumb? Actually, lots of guys. I need to look intelligent but not too scary. Happy. I need to look happy. I need to look happy. Nicotine-free, obviously. Free – just – free of stuff and baggage, you know? Look free, happy and in the moment. Look like everything has been left behind. Look like – new. A new start. That’s what I’ve got to look like.
Beat.
That’s who I’ve got to be now.
Beat.
Jesus.
Beat.
Okay.
Beat.
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2.
Day.
KEITH and ESTHER sit.
Silence.
KEITH. It is good to meet you at last.
ESTHER. Yes.
KEITH. I’m Keith.
ESTHER. I know.
Beat.
It’s awkward.
KEITH. You like a drink?
ESTHER. I’m okay for now.
KEITH. I can get one.
ESTHER. I’m fine.
KEITH. Some water.
ESTHER. No.
He gestures to someone, holding two fingers up.
KEITH. Usually they’re like eagle-eyes, staring through your head, but now –
Beat.
You look –
ESTHER. What?
KEITH. Are you going to take this the wrong way?
ESTHER. That depends on –
KEITH. You look nice.
ESTHER. Right.
Beat.
KEITH. You look nice.
Beat.
Do you like spiders?
ESTHER. No.
KEITH. Oh.
Beat.
ESTHER. Why?
KEITH. I have this spider back at mine.
ESTHER. At yours?
KEITH. He’s a big bleeder.
ESTHER. Right.
KEITH. I live with him –
ESTHER. I said, I don’t really –
KEITH. Yes, I know what you mean, but, look – no – you don’t want to know –
ESTHER. No.
Beat.
KEITH. I gave it a job. I said to myself, he’s eating the flies, he’s earned the right to be here, doing me a service, welcome.
Beat.
ESTHER. Sorry –
KEITH. No – you’re right –
ESTHER. it’s one of the things I don’t like about autumn –
KEITH. Yeah?
ESTHER. The trees look lovely and so on, but –
KEITH. Yeah –
ESTHER. I don’t like it when the spiders all come indoors –
KEITH. Yeah.
ESTHER. I really don’t like it when they leave their web to go and build another one, you know how they do that?
KEITH. Yes.
ESTHER. The old one gets full of dust and horrible. My mum used to laugh at me because as a kid I hated dust –
KEITH. Dust?
ESTHER. It’s true. I always liked to tidy things up. Mum joked about it all the time, when I was little. She’d probably say now that’s why I turned out as I did and ended up doing the job I do.
KEITH. What do you do?
ESTHER. Couples’ counsellor.
Beat.
KEITH. I don’t know what that is.
Beat.
Sounds like you get on with her then.
ESTHER. Who?
KEITH. Your mum.
ESTHER. Don’t you?
KEITH. She was just there, wasn’t she? Mums are just there when you’re a kid, aren’t they? You don’t even notice them.
ESTHER. My mum wasn’t.
KEITH. No?
ESTHER. I was twelve when –
Beat.
KEITH. Sorry about that.
Beat.
My mum hasn’t spoken to me for a year. Not a word. And my dad – I was twelve when he disappeared – that’s weird, isn’t it? Both of us, both of us twelve.
Beat.
He got with a girl half his age. I used to see them walking around holding hands. Like, I mean, come on. I once saw them kissing, like full-on tongues, in a bus shelter. Yeah. Terrible, right?
Beat.
Houseflies are disgusting though.
ESTHER. Pardon?
KEITH. Going back to spiders.
ESTHER. I don’t –
KEITH. Yeah – I know – I’m just saying – you can find it pretty educational, you know, seeing the fly land in the web, he runs out, and grabs it. He poisons it, or whatever he does, you know, stabs it, I think they stab things. Then he wraps it up all tight.
Beat.
No – there I go again –
Beat.
What I’m saying is that houseflies are horrible – it might help change you...
