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ACT ONE
Scene One: Paris
CHORUS enter, enigmatic, sardonic. Reveal the family of JEAN LOUIS.
HELENE. Long ago. In a city far away. There lived a merchant.
JEAN LOUIS. Who was so successful in all his business speculations that he grew enormously rich!
HELENE. Which was handy because he had six children!
BOYS. Three boys!
GIRLS. Three girls!
JEAN LOUIS. And a staff of twenty-seven!!
HELENE. The merchantās eldest son . . .
ANDRE. Was incredibly intelligent! (ANDRE falls over.)
KIDS. Ha! Ha! Ha!
SERVANTS help him up.
HELENE. He spent hours in the library with his head in books.
JEAN LOUIS. His latest obsession being astrology!
KIDS. Astronomy.
ANDRE. Papa!
JEAN LOUIS. Isnāt that what I just said!
KIDS. No!
HELENE invites ANDRE to continue.
ANDRE. There are millions of suns in the universe, so the chance of there being other forms of life out there is statisti . . .
JEAN LOUIS. Thatās enough now.
HELENE. Sit down, Andre. Thereās a good boy.
ANDRE. But Maman, I donāt want to sit down. I have yet to speak of the constellation of . . .
JEAN LOUIS. Donāt, disobey your mother!
ANDRE yields and prepares to sit.
HELENE. Merci, Andre.
ANDRE. Cāest rien maman. (ANDRE falls over. SERVANTS assist.)
KIDS. Ha! Ha! Ha!
JEAN LOUIS. Mes enfants!
HELENE. The merchantās second son.
PHILLIPE leaps onto chair.
PHILLIPE. Papa! (Pulls ball from his coat.)
HELENE. Loved all kinds of sport!
PHILLIPE throws ball to his DAD.
He spent his days playing football, tennis and . . .
PHILLIPE. Rugby!
PHILLIPE runs, evading servants and kids. JEAN LOUIS takes and returns a pass.
HELENE. Sit down now! Thatās enough!
He scores a try.
ALL. La triomphe!
HELENE. His clothes were always untidy and his knees were constantly grazed.
PHILLIPE. Maman!
PHILLIPE does cartwheels and somersaults. Kids clap and do a parody.
HELENE. Sit down now. Thereās a good boy.
PHILLIPE. But Maman, I donāt want to sit down.
JEAN LOUIS. Donāt disobey your mother!
PHILLIPE sits.
HELENE. Merci, Phillipe.
PHILLIPE. Cāest rien maman. (Sits, then up abruptly with tennis racket.)
Papa!?
HELENE. Just sit still!
JEAN LOUIS gestures to PHILLIPE to calm down.
JEAN LOUIS. The merchantās youngest son . . .
EMILE. Ma ma mĆØre!
Waves to MUM. She waves back.
HELENE. Mon petit chou!
EMILE on his MUMās lap, lots of kisses.
JEAN LOUIS. Was dreadfully indulged by his mother.
HELENE. Mama bought Meelie big machine for makey icey cream!
EMILE. But I want play Phillish!
HELENE. Then you can play with Phillish!!
KIDS. Urgh!!
EMILE has sword fight with PHILLIPE. DAD tries to get the sword.
JEAN LOUIS. Give me that!
EMILE. My sword, papa!
Keeps the sword away from DAD.
Maman?
HELENE. You keep it, darling.
KIDS. Uhh?
HELENE. But do sit down now, thereās a good boy!
EMILE puts sword in coat.
EMILE. Meelie. Donāt want, sit down.
JEAN LOUIS. Down!!
EMILE sits down very fast.
HELENE. Merci, Emile.
EMILE. Cāest rien maman.
EMILE up, pulls faces behind JEAN LOUISās back. MUM smiles and wags a warning finger. KIDS try to warn JEAN LOUIS who has seen nothing.
KIDS. Papa!
EMILE gets back into his place.
JEAN LOUIS. Whatās going on?
HELENE. Nothing dear!
KIDS. Nothing much!
HELENE. The Merchant loved his sons.
BOYS. Papa!
JEAN LOUIS. Mes enfants!
HELENE. But his pride and joy were his daughters . . .
JEAN LOUIS. The eldest girl was . . . utterly . . . (He canāt find the exact word.)
BOYS. Ugly!
VERONIQUE. Charming and graceful!
JEAN LOUIS. She was especially . . .
BOYS. Spiteful!
VERONIQUE. Gifted as a cellist!
JEAN LOUIS. At school she always . . .
BOYS. Cheated in exams!
VERONIQUE. Came top of her class!
JEAN LOUIS. She was academically brilliant . . .
BOYS. She copied Andreās homework.
VERONIQUE. With no apparent effort!
BOYS. She copied Andreās homework.
JEAN LOUIS. Her school report was full of . . .
BOYS. Lies!
VERONIQUE. Embarrassing praise!
JEAN LOUIS. She was fluent in . . .
BOYS. Lies!!
VERONIQUE. Latin, Greek and Italian!
JEAN LOUIS. Her essays were adorned with . . .
BOYS. Lies.
VERONIQUE turns.
Argh!!
VERONIQUE mashes BOYS. PARENTS miss it, reading report.
VERONIQUE. Her essays were adorned with, gold star, admiration!
JEAN LOUIS. You are so very clever Veronique!
VERONIQUE. And?
Painful pause.
JEAN LOUIS. What?
HELENE. Beautiful?
BOYS. Not!!
JEAN LOUIS. Yes. Yes, yes of course.
HELENE. Merci, Veronique. (HELENE invites VERONIQUE to sit.)
VERONIQUE. Cāest rien mamam. (VERONIQUE sits down, very sad.)
BOYS. Ha! Ha! Ha!
JEAN LOUIS. I donāt know whatās . . . What did I say?
HELENE. You wouldnāt understand.
JEAN LOUIS. What!?
HELENE. The Merchantās second daughter . . .
JEAN LOUIS. Was very, very . . .
BOYS. Stupid!
MARIE CLARE. Different to her big sister.
JEAN LOUIS. She was really, really . . .
BOYS. Thick!
MARIE CLARE. Less interested in her studies.
JEAN LOUIS. She was exceptionally . . .
BOYS. Boring!
MARIE CLARE. Pretty and attractive . . .
JEAN LOUIS. Her mind was full of . . .
BOYS. Sawdust!
MARIE CLARE. Wedding dresses and pink ponies . . ....