Bazaar

David Planell, John Clifford

• Publisher: Nick Hern Books
• Year: 2020
• eBook ISBN: 9781788502931
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: European Drama
• Index: Literature

In an attempt to be famous for a day, Hassan, the owner of a bric-a-brac shop, enlists his neighbour Anton to help make a video for a You've Been Framed -style TV programme. In the process, poisoned undercurrents of racism rise to the surface.

Bazaar by young Spanish dramatist David Planell was premiered in this English translation by John Clifford at the Royal Court Theatre, London, in 1997.

ACT ONE

Heaps of boxes in disorder in the room at the back of the shop. Boxes of different sizes containing different kinds of merchandise: radio cassettes, small electrical appliances, cheap novelties, watches, brightly stamped teeshirts hanging on heaped up hangers, and loads of other things that we’ll never get to see because boxes fill all the available space.

Not much furniture. A small table. There’s a door leading to the shop, and a window looking out on the street. No other exits.

ANTON has his arm in plaster. The plaster is all scabby and covered with pictures and signatures. RASHID is putting prices on boxes with a gun that puts on sticky labels.

ANTON. So. Do you want the job?

RASHID. I’ve got a job.

ANTON. No I didn’t mean that.

RASHID. It’s struck eight. I’ve got to put prices on all this stuff.

ANTON. No. You don’t understand. That’s not a job. That’s work. And work is work. And a job is a job. And you work because you’ve got to. Usually because you got to eat. Or pay your rent. You just have to. End of story. But a job… a job is something you do because you want to, and you do it well, because you like doing it. Do you get it? A job is rock and roll, but work… Work is fish fingers . . .

RASHID. I see.

ANTON. Fish fingers in the fullest sense of the word. And another thing. When you do a job, you get the profit. When you work, some other bugger does. Like Hassan. Whether he’s your uncle or not. And don’t get me wrong. Your uncle, as far as I’m concerned, is a great guy. His shit comes out his backside. But. Think about it. And it’s not just something I’m saying. It’s the truth. It’s the real world. Such as it is. Hassan has a job. You work. And that’s the difference between you. It’s easy to see. Fancy a joint?

RASHID. Well…

ANTON. What?

RASHID. Yes.

ANTON. Roll one for us.

RASHID. You’ll roll one better.

ANTON. How do you expect me to roll a joint? With this stump?

RASHID. Oh yeah. Your arm. I didn’t think.

ANTON. I’ve had it on for almost three weeks. It’s got more graffiti than a shithouse wall. I’m telling you, with your arm in plaster you’re on a different fucking planet. My right arm, too. It’s the fucking limit. You can’t imagine what a fucking drag it is after fifteen years, having to learn to wank left handed. Still. With a bit of luck they’ll take it off me next week. OK, where is it?

RASHID. Where’s what?

ANTON. This joint.

RASHID. I don’t know. Still. OK. But make it a quick one.

ANTON. What?

RASHID. Give me.

ANTON. Give you what?

RASHID. The shit.

ANTON. I don’t have any.

RASHID. You don’t have any?

ANTON. Didn’t you tell me you had a joint?

RASHID. No I don’t have one. I want one.

ANTON. For fuck’s sake. I asked you if you had one.

RASHID. I thought you asked me if I wanted one.

ANTON. What a disaster.

Long pause. It looks as though they’re not going to get their smoke. All of a sudden, ANTON brings out a lump of hash.

ANTON. There. But make it a small one.

RASHID. Oh. So you do have shit.

ANTON. Yes, fuck it, but hardly any. Make it a small one. Take it.

RASHID. I don’t know.

ANTON. Now what’s wrong?

RASHID. My uncle doesn’t like it.

ANTON. So what if your uncle doesn’t like it? He’s not going to throw you out for smoking a joint.

RASHID. He doesn’t like it. It’s against the law.

ANTON. Smoking a joint is against the law. What a joke. But your uncle’s a moor. A moor from Marrakech. What are you on about?

RASHID. He’s not from Marrakech, he doesn’t smoke joints, and he doesn’t like people who do.

ANTON. Look just make up your mind. Roll a joint or don’t roll a joint. But stop farting around.

RASHID. He’ll be here in a minute.

ANTON. Look I’m begging you. Even if it is just a short one. Even if he’s just outside the fucking window! Roll me a joint. I can’t roll it with my arm in plaster. And I want a joint! I want a fucking joint!

RASHID. Have you hurt yourself?

ANTON. No. Not at all. This pissy plaster. I want it to disappear.

RASHID. Give me.

ANTON. Thanks. Here. Papers.

Pause. RASHID starts burning the hash.

RASHID. It smells good.

ANTON. It tastes even better. It’s so strong it knocks your head off.

Pause.

So. What do you think. About this job. Interested?

RASHID. I can’t do it now. Hassan’ll be here soon. He’s tense.

ANTON. What’s his problem?

RASHID. It’s just he wants to make the shop bigger. Rent the place next door.

ANTON. So business is good.

RASHID. He still needs money. And planning permission. Loads of money.

ANTON. The same old story. Money. Fucking money. Working your arse off to earn a fucking peseta. That’s why I told you about this job.

ANTON. What job?

ANTON. Rashid, I told you yesterday.

RASHID. I didn’t really understand.

ANTON. You pretend your camera’s been stolen, you go to the police and you report it. And then you claim the insurance. And if you do it well, you make so much money you can wipe your arse with it.

RASHID. So . . . ?

ANTON. For fuck’s sake. It’s so hard to talk to you. You report the theft of your camera and you get half a million from the insurance company.

RASHID. So someone has to steal your camera.

ANTON. A camera or whatever. Something valuable.

RASHID. But first you need a camera. Or something.

ANTON. OK listen. You go on a trip . . .

RASHID. Here. It’s ready.

He gives him the rolled joint.

ANTON. What a joint. What a fucking joint! Christ man you know how to roll them. You moors must have joint rolling genes. No, you light it.

RASHID. No. Probably better not.

ANTON. Yes, man. Fuck. Don’t be stupid. Give it a couple of drags.

RASHID. No really. I’ve got to work.

ANTON. So have some. Putting prices on things is graft. And if you got to graft, do it with a joint. You do it better.

RASHID. No.

ANTON. Yes, Christ, I’m telling you. Light it.

RASHID. OK.

He lights the joint.

ANTON. So. let’s see. You buy a ticket to go somewhere. Let’s say Seville. When you buy the ticket you insure your luggage and you insure the camera. So it’s all insured and you get on the bus. So you get to where you’re going, Seville or wherever, you get a room in a hostel, you leave your luggage, and you go straight to the police station.

RASHID. You go to the police station? What a way to earn a living. That is weird.

ANTON. Listen. You’ve to report you’ve been robbed. You’ve got to do it right away. Report the robbery you’re supposed to have suffered, right? Right. So you report the robbery, then you sign the form. Then you come back here, with the police form and the receipt for the camera, and you go to the insurance company and you claim your money back. Get it?

RASHID. Yes

ANTON. Are you sure?

RASHID. Yes.

ANTON. There you are then. It costs you eight thousand for the ticket, ten thousand for the insurance. two thousand for the hostel. About twenty thousand. And that’s fine. That’s your investment. You put in twenty thousand, you take out half a million. Hey, pass us the joint.

RASHID. Half a million?

ANTON. Yes, what do you think? That’s the usual sum.

RASHID. OK. But it isn’t true.

ANTON. What isn’t true?

RASHID. It isn’t true they robbed you in the bus station.

ANTON. Of course it isn’t. I mean that’s the whole point.

RASHID. So it’s against the law.

ANTON. Well, yes. It’s against the law. Obviously. I mean what are we talking here? Are we talking you falling out with your granny? No. Are we talking you sitting the entrance exam for police ac...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Contents
• Foreword
• Introduction
• Acknowledgements
• Original Production
• Characters
• Bazaar
• About the Author
• Copyright and Performing Rights Information