This Book Has Balls

Sports Rants from the MVP of Talking Trash

Michael Rapaport

• Publisher: Atria Books
• Year: 2017
• Print ISBN: 9781501160325
• eBook ISBN: 9781501160332
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: Social Science Biographies
• Index: Social Sciences

The sports world according to Michael Rapaport—actor, Top 50 podcaster, award-winning film maker, and sports fanatic—from the greatest and downright worst athletes, players, teams, and jerseys, but minus statistics, analytics, or anything else that isn’t pure hustle in this “hell of a book” (Shaquille O'Neal).

In 1979, nine-year-old Michael Rapaport decided he was going to do whatever it took to be a pro baller. He practiced and practiced, but by the time he was fifteen, he realized there was no place for a slow, white Jewish kid in the NBA. So, he found another way to channel his obsession with sports: talking trash.

In the “crazy, passionate, funny and intense” (Colin Cowherd) This Book Has Balls, Rapaport uses his signature smack-talk style and in-your-face humor to discuss everything from why LeBron will never be like Mike, that Tiger needs the ladies to get his golf game back, and how he once thought Mary Lou Retton was his true love. And, of course, why next year will be the year the New York Knicks win the championship. This book is a series of rants—some controversial, some affectionate, but all incredibly hilarious. “Something is wrong with Michael Rapaport but that’s what makes him right,” (Charlamagne tha God).

The Michael Rapaport Celebrity Scouting Report, Volume 1

By now I’m sure a lot of you are saying to yourselves, “Rapaport, you’re talking an awful lot of shit about pro athletes. Does it have anything to do with the fact that you’ll never be one?” No, it doesn’t, but if it bothers you, then let’s take a little break and talk some shit about people I actually know and have played against. So here you have it, the very first “Rapaport Celebrity Scouting Report—Or, Celebs Who Think They Can Ball.”

Common

One of the most respected and influential rappers to ever do it, a prolific actor, one of the most well-rounded talents in our industry, and he’s never seen a jump shot he didn’t like. Gives 100 percent of himself on screen and shoots 100 percent of the time he gets the ball. My man was incredibly believable in Just Wright as a pro ballplayer, but something tells me passing wasn’t in the script. When he’s not shooting a flick or TV piece, he’s shooting the rock, whether open or not. I have been open in front of you for six straight years, my friend, and I’ve never seen a ball near me. I’m open, man—pass me the rock, please. Maybe it was “the incident” that made him this way. If you don’t know about “the incident,” allow me.

It was the 2011 Celebrity All-Star Game, and our team was playing against Justin Bieber’s team. I called a quick pregame huddle and told my squad, Do not allow Bieber to cross you over or make you look bad, because the public will know about it, and, worse yet, your friends will never let you live it down. I even said foul the Canadian Jack Rabbit if you have to, but do not let him make you look bad. Well, when we came out of the time-out, Common reached out to D up the frail pop icon and got crossed over, ankles broken, and straight shook by the singer. Common took it on the chin but went on to do enough quality work that “the incident” is rarely, if ever, brought up. Sorry for bringing it up, my man.

Justin Bieber

Small, scrappy, unpredictable, and Canadian. He makes great use of his dancing feet as well. I played against Bieber in the 2011 Celebrity All-Star Game, where I was trying to go back to back as the MVP. It wasn’t meant to be that year due to a toe issue I never brought up. Bieber was quicker and more competitive than expected but made countless unnecessary extra moves, showing off for the screaming girls who showed up. He dribbled between his legs while no one was checking him and went behind the back twice alone. I have to admit he took a few hard fouls from me and handled them like a champ. He popped right up off the floor like a backup dancer who fell during a Grammy performance and wasn’t going to be embarrassed. Biebs took MVP that year. Good shit, bro.

Ice Cube

A Top Five or Top Ten MC on anybody who knows anything about rap music’s best-of list. Rapper turned mogul. Brains of the operation. My costar in Higher Learning, and even threw me a dope cameo bone in Next Friday. However, he also rapped, “Get me on the court and I’m trouble, last week fucked around and got a triple double” in a song. Great lyric, kinda, sort of hard to believe. Cube can legit play; don’t get it twisted. However, I’ve balled with Cube, and I need to see some tape of this triple double. Not saying it didn’t happen; I’m just saying I wouldn’t mind an eyewitness or even some verbal proof that this alleged triple double didn’t just rhyme with the word trouble. Ice Cube really does have a tricky old-school game. He’s not shy about calling for the ball or shooting the rock, and he will absolutely run down-court before seeing if it goes in the hoop. His confidence sort of outweighs his ability, but if everything I touched turned to gold, platinum, and box-office bonanzas, I’d be crazy confident, too.

Tobey Maguire

Solid actor, but his competitive nature doesn’t match his skill set. Goes hard every single play, just not sure where he’s going. Nearly kills himself and everyone in his path with or without the ball. Tobey plays hoops like he’s running from a fire and isn’t sure who to tell about it—frantic, rolling around on the ground for loose balls, and periodically diving for a ball that’s not there. Hypercompetitiveness works to his advantage. If you like scrappy reckless abandon, you want him on your squad.

Adam Sandler

Sandler is passively aggressive and oddly deceiving. He’s got the same game as the old guy on the court with the black socks high above the calf business and gym-teacher nut huggers from the Seventies. Sandler looks like everyone’s uncle, then buries you for twenty without sweating. Great low Jewish center of gravity mixed with slow feet that somehow find the perfect position to score. His thousands of hours of “lunch breaks on set” basketball paid off. He’s got true-blue “box out” ass and an uncanny knack for making passes that look fucked up when they leave his hands but somehow find their man.

Brian McKnight

Grammy-winning singer who can croon a girl’s panties off, trick her into liking you, and then dunk on her brother. McK-nice can shoot the lights out from three-point land, and the release looks as smooth as he sounds. Also impressive is his ability to take it to the hole and go hard. He drove by me once and whispered some R&B shit like Isaac Hayes. He crossed me over, and all I heard was, “I didn’t want to have to do this to you, but I did, Michael.” However, he is a ball hog. That solo artist life’s got you forgetting about good old-fashioned team ball.

Drake

Rap skills are solid, the voice is original, the dedication to the craft is strong, but he shot a fucking airball during warm-ups for the Kentucky Wildcat game, and I can’t let that slide. Drake’s game is fast and slow at the same time. His hands move fast while his feet go slow. It’s tough to explain, but it may be some Canadian post–Bar Mitzvah shit.

Kanye

Yeezus rented the entire Staples Center for his birthday, and the shit backfired. All reports have Bieber winning MVP once again that day, and my sources tell me Kanye wasn’t happy about it and tossed out Bieber’s gift to him at the party. Kanye’s game is all shoulders and sprinting for no reason. His inability to find the open man has more to do with him not looking than it does with his passing skills. No reports, videos, or cell phone footage can be found of the day Bieber stole Yeezy’s b-day from him.

Will Ferrell

Amazing center of gravity, strange amount of athleticism from a body that doesn’t scream sports, and the low-post game is bafflingly solid. Hands down the funniest athlete in the world, he is nearly impossible to defend due to laughter. Every play is another SNL skit. He uses humor on offense and defense, which gives him a hilariously well-rounded game.

Leo

Number one on my All-Time Great Stickmen list, so it irks me that he’s also got a solid post-up game developed while training for The Basketball Diaries. His expensive trainer taught him a pivot spin move that he still uses fifteen years later and is tough to defend. Leo’s got long arms, and when it looks like he’s nowhere near you, somehow he’s hand checking you. Thank God his jumper is absolutely nonexistent; otherwise he’d be too perfect a human.

Mark Wahlberg

Excellent actor, real-deal media mogul, could run for office at this point but should take some time off running on the hoop court. Mark’s got speed, agility, and strength, but they all belong in football, rugby, or street fighting. The finesse game is not his thing, and he’s been known around town to call suspect fouls that are still talked about in celebrity circles. I played with him during the Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch days, and there wasn’t one thing funky about his basketball skill set. However, Wahlberg’s work ethic is undeniable, so I would never count him out.

Kevin Hart

Once had fantastic speed and incredible athleticism. Now both are gone and have been replaced with humor and wealth. The Philly native had a legit all-around aggressive game equipped with handles and lockdown defense. K Hart is impressive at five foot six, with no fear of driving the lane with the big boys of normal height. I hate to say it, but Father Time has stolen both the quickness and the vertical. It may be that you’re weighed down by the massive box office receipts or the millions in cash, but the facts are the facts, and the days of lightning quickness and fearless drives are behind you. Congrats on being the new king of comedy, but now we’re the same speed, so I’ll see you when I see you.

Queen Latifah

The Queen’s game is no joke. Not afraid to mix it up with mere mortals and bang in the paint. La goes hard with either hand and will have you scratching your head and confused by the fadeaway. It’s original. It looks like she’s falling down backward, but she’s actually fading away. If she shows up in the ponytail, you’re through. Not one for trash talking, I’ve seen her bust 23 and leave without talking to anyone before, during, or after the game.

Woody Harrelson

White Men Can’t Jump in real life either. Played with him a bunch. He’s scrappy, and his jumper is disjointed yet somehow on point. He looks like he’s tripping over a curb when he shoots. It’s impossible to block his shot because even he doesn’t know where it’s coming from. Loves to talk shit and won’t back down. Strangely strong calves, but his finger roll at the net isn’t as good as his joint-rolling skills on the bus.

Wood Harris

The Wire’s Avon Barksdale is legit on the court and has a shit-talking game that’s easily on par with his acting game. His oversized Doctor J hands that seem too big for his body are his greatest assets. I’ve seen him dunk on fellow SAG and DGA members with odd slow-motion yet impressive one-handed slams that left the union members stunned and upset about their own game.

Nick Cannon

Multitalented TV mogul and an underrated stickman, Nick can play almost as well as he dresses. He comes fresh as can be, hair tight, shoes on point, and two shirts minimum per game. Solid fadeaway but lazy on D. On D, he looks like he’s thinking about hosting another show. Nick’s got too many jobs to be great at hoops these days.

George Clooney

I once lost a best of three one-on-one series to George on his personal Warner Bros. court during his days on ER, but I was off that day and played without breakfast. Questionable calls were made, but he won fair and square, pretty much. George’s game is confusing because he’ll foul you, talk smack, and then be friendly. It’s a real mind fuck. Also in my defense, George was making a million an episode at the time, and the fear of injuring him hampered my usual aggressive style that would have locked him down. Plus, I didn’t want to scar the face of the Sexiest Man Alive. Something about him being so handsome and sweating on me took my mind out of the game. The fucker beat me two out of three and went on talk shows and bragged about it. My street cred hasn’t been the same since.

Breckin Meyer

Short, fiery game, and does an uncomfortable amount of running around. The guy never stops moving, even in a half-court game. He’s running around somewhere right now for the hell of it. I guarantee it.

Sacha Baron Cohen

Borat is one funny dude, but unfortunately hoops is not his thing. Post-up game is confusing because he’s tall in position yet looks completely lost. His jumper is nowhere, but he’s such a nice guy that I feel bad athletics didn’t make it into his genes.

Dean Cain

Superman can ball. Heavy-handed and big-bodied when he’s thinned out, Cain’s got a legit jumper and can run the point if he has to. Great court vision, and his hair is fucking amazing.

Denzel

Balled against him years ago at the YMCA, and he always brought his outdoor game indoors. Behind-the-back passes and long-range jumpers followed by quick shit talking; he was well rounded out there. He’s also oddly strong, and I can see why he breaks shit in every movie. He plays like he’s always on the verge of pushing you down.

Jaleel White

Urkel could ball for real. Solid handles, good fadeaway, tight jumper, never hogged the rock, but the fact that he was Urkel fucked a lot of people’s heads up on the parquet floor, especially when he was talking smack.

Will Smith

Great dude, solid game, yet lacked a little speed. Respectable Philadelphia-style game. Hates playing defense, but a deceptively strong lower body. His wind was suspect until he did the movie Ali. After Ali, the Fresh Prince was too rich to play in public, and there are no up-to-date scouting reports.

#MadShaming

MAD SHAMING: (verb) When a person tries to cover up feelings of being pissed the fuck off to avoid the shame of showing anger in public.

* * *

One of the best and most scandalous examples of public Mad Shaming was when the Seattle Seahawks beat the Patriots in 2013, and the first-ballot, shit-talking Hall of Famer Richard Sherman ran over to Tom Brady and asked this question: “You mad, bro, you mad?” and Tom Brady didn’t respond. Not a word. But you could see on his face that Tom was thinking, Yeah, you fuck, of course I’m mad. We just lost, I played like shit, and your dumb ass intercepted me, and now you’re running over to me with some passive-aggressive bullshit asking me if I’m mad? Yeah, I’m fucking mad, bro, I’m really fucking mad. Now take a walk, fucknuts, before I smack one of those dreads off your head, bro.

Now, it’s very well documented that I can’t stand Tom Fucking Brady, but in that moment, I was on his side 100 percent. Because that “You mad, bro, you mad” from Richard Sherman was straight up MAD SHAMING. It was captured on camera and laid out in very basic terms. Tom Brady did not and would not articulate his true feelings of anger and frustration because of his fear of showing feelings in public, and he was very publicly and very mercilessly Mad Shamed.

The Richard Sherman Mad Shaming incident was replayed over and over an...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Dedication
• An Imperative Note from the Editor
• Disruptive Behavior 101
• An Open Apology to Larry Legend
• Ain’t No Fact Checkin’
• Why Lawrence Taylor Is the Greatest Football Player Ever
• An Open Letter to Tiger Woods
• My Gold Medal Sweetheart, Mary Lou Retton
• Good Men in Bad Pieces
• Bill Russell Is Overrated, Deal with It
• Dolph Schayes and the Athletic Jews of Yesteryear
• Allen Iverson and the Weeping Woman
• The Michael Rapaport Celebrity Scouting Report, Volume 1
• #MadShaming
• Question Time for Bill Belichick
• Hookers, Pills, Dwarfs, and the Las Vegas Raiders
• Fa Fa Fantasy Football
• Twenty-Second Time-Out: Hamilton, the Musical That’s Not Hip-Hop
• Catching Punts
• LaVar Can’t Ball!!!
• The Magic of Magic
• The Beautiful Audacity of Muggsy Bogues
• Geno, Go Get Your Shine Box, Geno
• Fuck Spin Class
• Even When We Suck, New York City Is Still the Mecca
• The Irony of Charles Oakley
• The Eviction of Phil Jackson: An Absurd One-Act Play
• Halftime!: My Spiritual Connection with the Housewives of Bravo TV
• Rapaport’s Real Housewife Top Twenty Power Rankings, Volume 1
• 23 Reasons Why LeBron Will Never Be Like Mike
• Venus and Serena Kicked All the Ass, but Richard Williams Is the MVP
• Phife Dawg: Words from the Five-Foot Assassin
• If Iron Mike Tyson Can Find Inner Peace, So Can I
• Great in the Ring, Shitty in Life
• The Great White Hype of Ronda Rousey
• Why Boxers Make More Money Than MMA Fighters
• Rocky Is Great, but Not the Greatest
• The Bronx Bull, the Raging Bull
• Caitlyn, Caitlyn, Caitlyn
• Stickmen: The Ultimate List of Great Stickmen, Part 1
• These Sneakers Are Made for Walking
• Me and Ali
• The Champ
• The Skinny-Jeanification of Sports
• The Bachelor of Montana
• The Greatest Ever Eva!!!!
• Acknowledgments
• About the Author
• Index