Bridgebuilding

Making peace with conflict in the Church

Alastair McKay

• Publisher: Canterbury Press
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9781786221414
• eBook ISBN: 9781786221438
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christian Church

There is a prevailing culture of 'niceness' within churches which can lead to conflict avoidance, suppression and denial. Consequently, ministers and church leaders often struggle to handle tensions, difference and competing demands within their congregations. Drawing on practical theology, conflict theory, family systems theory and experience, Bridgebuilding will help church ministers and church members find more fruitful ways of engaging with tensions and conflicts in the life of the Church. It offers numerous practical tools for transforming conflict into opportunities for personal and corporate growth. It complements the 'Growing Bridgebuilders' training course developed by Bridge Builders with CPAS.

1

What is Conflict Doing in God’s World?

How are we to understand the place of conflict in God’s world? I want to tell two stories of how I first encountered some insights that have profoundly shaped my thinking.

New thinking

I have been inspired in the field of conflict transformation by a Mennonite trainer called Carolyn Schrock-Shenk. I met Carolyn when I was studying at Eastern Mennonite University in 1998. Hearing her speak, I admired her passion, courage and honesty as she explored conflict and differences between people. In 1999, while I was an intern with a Mennonite peace centre in Chicago, Carolyn approached me about contributing to a book she was co-editing entitled Making Peace with Conflict. Over 20 different Mennonite practitioners from the conflict transformation field were invited to contribute, and I proposed writing a chapter on congregational decision-making and building group consensus.

I submitted my chapter and then heard nothing from the editors, until I was sent proofs. They made distressing reading. A story of events in my congregation in London had been substantially altered and was no longer faithful to my experience. Carolyn’s co-editor had made these changes, but they had not been run past me, and because the publication process was so advanced, it was difficult to restore the story to something I could live with. But after a good deal of toing and froing – and some angst – we agreed a way forward. Painfully, I had discovered how significant a person’s story is to them; and how much hangs on the way it is framed.

There was a certain irony in facing some conflict over a book that was all about finding better ways to handle conflict. Afterwards, Carolyn and I sought to be reconciled. We tried doing this by email, then in its infancy. And I learnt another painful lesson: email correspondence is not a good way of trying to bring healing and reconciliation, especially when there are strong feelings about what has happened. It was only some months later, when Carolyn and I met face-to-face at a national conflict-resolution conference, that we found a way of acknowledging one another’s experience, and of bringing the measure of peace that was needed on both sides.

When Making Peace with Conflict was published, I read Carolyn’s opening chapter.1 It was a moment when the scales fell from my eyes. I was struck by her simple definition, that ‘conflict equals differences plus tension’. It seemed novel to suggest that as soon as we experience discomfort and tension over our differences, we are touching conflict. It was a much broader definition than I was used to, but full of insight. I have employed it ever since. Two further thoughts from Carolyn struck me particularly.

The first is that conflict is an opportunity to know another person at a deeper level. I found that with the friction over my book chapter: I got to know and to appreciate Carolyn better. Although it had been painful, I came to treasure her in a more significant way than previously and was grateful for the person I discovered. This led me to extend a subsequent invitation, which I talk about in Chapter 11.

The second insight Carolyn provided through her writing is that conflict is natural, and is built into the fabric of creation.2 Reflecting on the creation story in the opening chapter of Genesis, she suggested that in making such a diverse world, God was wiring it for conflict. Given such diversity, we are bound to bump up against one another in uncomfortable ways. We therefore need to expect conflict as a normal part of the territory of life itself. I should therefore not have been surprised that we had encountered some level of conflict in assembling a book on the subject. It might have been more surprising if we had not done so.

Accepting conflict as an integral part of God’s good creation was a challenge to my previous assumption that conflict is a fruit of the fallen, sinful world. Carolyn’s view was that conflict predated the entrance of sin. Conflict was therefore not innately bad or sinful. How we respond to the conflicts we face is what determines whether sin gets a foothold in the situation. But conflict itself is neither good nor bad, it is simply a reality of creation: tension over our differences. This offered a whole new light on the subject, which I eagerly shared with others in the years that followed, through Bridge Builders’ training courses: conflict is a normal and natural part of the way that God has made the world.

Deeper thinking

Some 15 years later, my thinking was stretched further. For several years, I had been part of a group that met together occasionally to explore how mediation could be used within the Church of England. The group had been started by Stephen Ruttle, a barrister who had launched a community mediation service in conjunction with his local parish church. After many meetings, the group eventually agreed that we wanted to host a national conference to help get mediation and conflict resolution more firmly in the minds of Christians and church leaders in England. We agreed that the best location for this would be Coventry Cathedral, given its long-standing commitment to the work of reconciliation. It helped that one of our number, David Porter, then the Cathedral’s Canon for Reconciliation, was enthusiastic about hosting the event.

The purpose of the conference, entitled ‘Faith in Conflict’, was twofold: to help the Church understand the challenge we faced arising from the inherited culture of how conflict is handled in churches; and to offer a new vision of handling conflict better. The planning group held a long discussion over who we might invite to deliver the key-note address. I suggested that we consider an ordained couple, Sam and Jo Wells, who had recently returned to the UK after several years working in the USA. Most of the group, being professional mediators, had not heard of them, and so were unenthusiastic. But a strong endorsement from Justin Welby, then Bishop of Durham, who had been involved since his time at Coventry Cathedral, swung the mood in favour.

The wisdom of having Sam and Jo address the Faith in Conflict conference became evident when we heard each of them speak. Jo gave us some deep insight into the place of lament in the journey of engaging with human loss and conflict, drawing on her Old Testament expertise. But it was Sam’s presentation that particularly stretched my own thinking. Two points grabbed me most.

First, was recognizing that conflict is not restricted to this life but is part of our promised future. Heaven, Sam proposed, is a place of diversity and difference: it is not a conflict-free zone. Which means we will still have to address tension over our differences in heaven. The big change is that we will find continuously creative and constructive ways of doing so, that bear interesting new fruit. And that is partly because, ‘Peace isn’t the absence of conflict, but the transformation from destructive tension into dynamic creativity.’3

The second wonderful insight was seeing reconciliation as the very heart of the gospel. ‘Far from being an essential, tiresome, and time-consuming precursor to the gospel, reconciliation is the gospel. There isn’t anything more important to which reconciliation is but the prologue.’4 I had always thought that the work of reconciliation mattered. Now I grasped why, in a new way. Reconciliation is the gospel: transforming conflict is the very business of God.

A conversation with Rachel Treweek

Rachel is the Bishop of Gloucester and was the first woman to be appointed as a diocesan bishop in the Church of England. She has participated in many Bridge Builders courses in the past and is on their Council of Reference.

Who or what has most shaped your understanding of conflict?

From a young age, the forming of relationships and living with a diverse group of people has been important to me. This influenced my decision to become a speech and language therapist: good communication is core to meaningful relationships. Working with children, families and teachers, I recognized the importance of understanding the individual as being located within a complex ‘system’ of relationships and connectedness. Then, after some family therapy training, my awareness of tension and conflict grew.

Although my calling to ordination seemingly ‘interrupted’ my family therapy plans, I began to see that I was being called to use my training in a different context. I had a renewed excitement about the interconnectedness of the body of Christ and how I could bring insights from family therapy to ordained ministry.

I attended theological college during the debates around women being ordained to the priesthood in the Church of England, debates eventually settled by a vote in General Synod in 1992. Staff and students alike held intense and opposing views. It was challenging for me to be a single woman living in community with people who held such strong views about whether I was being faithful to God. I therefore wanted to explore how to live in relationship with others amidst conflict, without compromising my own integrity or sense of justice.

Years later, as an Archdeacon, I was stimulated by the opportunities my role gave me to explore and engage with conflict within worshipping communities. This led me to undertake studies in group facilitation and conflict resolution, at a key time in the Church of England’s journey of considering the consecration of women as bishops. As a member of General Synod, I found it a bruising time: conflict was rarely lived well. I was frustrated by the lack of places of encounter within our adversarial forum. So, I tried to build relationships and talk with people who held very different views from my own. Whilst we didn’t agree with each other’s perspectives, I was grateful for an experience of a deepening of love and connection, in a place of pain and frustration.

The introduction of facilitated conversations within the synodical process led to a significant shift. It brought us to the place of Synod voting in favour of women being consecrated to the episcopate. For me, the key factor was the enabling of safe human encounter amidst our differences. Creating places for conversation is not about trying to change other people’s viewpoints, but rather about placing a high value on relationship at times of vehement disagreement. It’s about endeavouring to deepen trust in our encounters – which is more about listening than speaking. It’s also about staying connected, being honest and vulnerable, and not walking away from one another in the face of immense differences.

Now, as a bishop, the pectoral cross I often wear is made of bullet casings from the civil war in Mozambique. It was given to me by the Bishop of Lebombo and created by a project called ‘Transforming Arms into Ploughshares’ (Isa. 2.4). For me, it’s a symbol of God’s reconciling mission.

What, for you, have been significant insights in understanding the place of conflict in God’s world?

I see conflict as a normal part of living in a world of rich diversity, in which no two people are the same, yet all are wonderfully made in the image of God. I hold fast to the truth that we are made to live in relationship with God, fellow human beings and the created world. And I believe that every experience of brokenness in our world involves a broken relationship, whether it be with God, people or creation. When I talk about this with a group, I reach upwards as a sign of being created to live in relationship with God, and then stretch out my arms to indicate our relationship with fellow human beings, and then point towards the ground as a sign of being in relationship with creation. It’s no coincidence that this forms the shape of a cross – because at the heart of God’s mission is reconciliation (Col. 1.18‒20).

As a follower of Jesus, my hope is in the vision that one day all will be made new. In the present, creation is groaning, longing for liberation and wholeness (Rom. 8.18‒21). But one day God’s work of transformation and restoration will be complete (Rev. 21.1‒5). And it’s my desire to join in with what God is doing that’s led me to be committed to the work of transforming conflict.

What difference has your evolving understanding of conflict made to the way you approach life and ministry?

My starting place is that conflict is a natural part of living in a world marked by difference, both beautiful and ugly. So, conflict is not something to be avoided. Whilst I cannot pretend that I enjoy conflict, I’m committed to engaging with it and want to communicate my desire to remain in relationship with others, even when I profoundly disagree with them.

In the early days of my ministry as Bishop of Gloucester I was intentional about giving time to situations of conflict, including being present with people for whom my appointment as their bishop prompted unease or dismay. In those conversations, I was unapologetic about my calling and role; yet I was also clear that I desire the flourishing and well-being of all people and wish to stay connected with them.

When I find myself in a place of conflict or needing to address conflictual situations, I’m learning to see that these are not incon...

Table of contents

• BRIDGEBUILDING
• Contents
• Acknowledgements
• About CPAS
• Foreword
• Introduction
• 1 What is Conflict Doing in God’s World?
• 2 Know Thyself – and Value Others
• 3 Grow in Emotional Maturity
• 4 Be Real about Power
• 5 Use Good Theory
• 6 Shepherd the Process
• 7 Make Space for Feelings, Silence and Touch
• 8 Recognize the Limits
• 9 Love Your Enemy
• 10 Build a Culture Together
• 11 Observe the Peacemakers
• 12 Build Bridges to Heaven
• Further Resources