The Inspector General

Nikolai Gogol

• Publisher: Dover Publications
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN:
  9780486285009
• eBook ISBN:
  9780486159140
• Topic: Literature
• Subtopic: Drama
• Index: Literature

Considered the high point of Gogol's writing for the stage and a masterpiece of dramatic satire, The Inspector General skewers the stupidity, greed, and venality of Russian provincial officials. When it is announced that the Inspector General is coming to visit incognito, Anton, the chief of police, hastens to clean up the town before his arrival. Local officials scurry to hide evidence of bribe-taking and other misdeeds, setting the stage for the arrival from St. Petersburg of Ivan, a penurious gambler and rake who is promptly taken by the townspeople to be the dreaded Inspector General. Ivan, and his servant, Osip, soon take advantage of the situation with hilarious results. First performed in 1836, the play transcends regional and national boundaries to offer a biting, highly entertaining glimpse of universal human foibles and failings.

ACT IV

The same room in the house of the CHIEF OF POLICE

SCENE I

Enter carefully, almost on tiptoe, AMMOS FEDOROVICH, ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH, the POSTMASTER, LUKA LUKICH, DOBCHINSKY, and BOBCHINSKY in full dress uniforms. The whole scene proceeds in an undergone.

AMMOS FEDOROVICH (arranging them all in a semicircle): For God’s sake, gentlemen, make a circle as quickly as possible and put on your best manner! Confound him, he rides to the Palace and bawls out the Council of State! Draw up in military order; it must be in military order. You run over to that side, Petr Ivanovich; and you, Petr Ivanovich, stand right here.

(Both PETR IVANOVICHES run on tiptoe.)

ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH. If you’re willing, Ammos Fedorovich, we ought to undertake something or other.

AMMOS FEDOROVICH : Just what exactly?

ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH : Everybody knows what.

AMMOS FEDOROVICH : Slip him something?

ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH : Well, yes, slip him something.

AMMOS FEDOROVICH : It’s dangerous, deuce take it! He might raise Cain—a government man like him! But how about an offering on the part of the nobility for a memorial of some sort?

POSTMASTER : Or say this: “Here is some money left unclaimed at the post office.”

ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH : Look out that he doesn’t send you away somewhere by post! Listen: things aren’t done like that in a well-regulated state. Why is there a whole squadron of us here? We should introduce ourselves one by one; and then, between man and man, everything is fixed, and nothing leaks out. That’s the way it’s done in a well-regulated society! Now you’ll be the first to begin, Ammos Fedorovich.

AMMOS FEDOROVICH: It would be better for you: our august guest broke bread in your establishment.

ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH: It would be still better for you, Luka Lukich, as the enlightener of youth.

LUKA LUKICH: I can’t, I can’t, gentlemen! I confess I was so brought up that if I have to talk with a man one rank higher than mine, I get heart failure and my tongue seems to stick in the mud. No, gentlemen, you really must relieve me!

ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH : Yes, Ammos Fedorovich, there’s no one but you. You have only to say a word, and Cicero fairly flies off your tongue!

AMMOS FEDOROVICH: What are you talking about! Cicero! See here, what have you thought up! What if I do get carried away sometimes, talking about my house dogs or my hunting hounds? . . .

ALL (surrounding him): No, not only about dogs; you can talk about the Tower of Babel, too. . . .¹⁵ No, Ammos Fedorovich, don’t abandon us, be a father to us! . . . No, Ammos Fedorovich!

AMMOS FEDOROVICH: Let me be, gentlemen!

(At this moment steps and coughing are heard in HLESTAKOV’S room. All vie with each other in their haste to reach the door, crowding and trying to get out, which they do only with some squeezing. A few exclamations are heard in undertones.)

Voice of BOBCHINSKY: Ow! Petr Ivanovich, you stepped on my foot, Petr Ivanovich!

Voice of ARTEMY FILIPPOVICH: Let me out, gentlemen; you’ve squeezed me as flat as a soul in Purgatory!

(A few gasping exclamations of “Ow! ow!” are heard; finally all have been pushed out, and the room remains empty.)

SCENE II

HLESTAKOV alone, entering sleepy-eyed

HLESTAKOV: I think I must have snored properly. Where did they get such mattresses and feather beds? I fairly perspired. They must have slipped me something strong at lunch yesterday; my head still goes bang. So far as I can see, a fellow can spend his time agreeably here. I like cordiality; and I admit I like it best of all when people gratify me out of sheer kind-heartedness rather than for their personal interest. The Chief of Police’s daughter isn’t half bad to look at, and even her mamma might perhaps . . . Well, I don’t know, but I sure like this life.

SCENE III

HLESTAKOV and the JUDGE (AMMOS FEDOROVICH)

AMMOS FEDOROVICH (upon entering, stops, and says to himself): My God, my God! Make this come out right! My knees will hardly hold me up. (Aloud, drawing himself up, and grasping his sword-hilt.) I have the honor to introduce myself: Judge of the local District Court, Collegiate Assessor Lyapkin-Tyapkin.

HLESTAKOV: I beg you to sit down. So you’re the Judge here?

AMMOS FEDOROVICH: In 1816 I was elected to a three-year term by the will of the nobility and I have held the post ever since.

HLESTAKOV: It’s profitable to be Judge, isn’t it?

AMMOS FEDOROVICH: After three terms I was presented with the order of Vladimir of the Fourth Class, with the commendation of the authorities. (Aside.) The money is in my fist, and my fist is on fire!

HLESTAKOV: I like the Vladimir. Now the Anna of the Third Class isn’t so good.

AMMOS FEDOROVICH (little by little thrusting forward his closed fist, aside) : O Lord God! I don’t know where I’m sitting. It’s as if I had live coals under me.

HLESTAKOV: What have you got in your hand?

AMMOS FEDOROVICH (flustered, and letting some notes fall to the floor) : Nothing, sir.

HLESTAKOV: Nothing, you say? I see you’ve dropped some money.

AMMOS FEDOROVICH (trembling all over): Not at all, sir! (Aside.) O God, here I am in the dock, and they’re bringing up the police cart to get me!

HLESTAKOV (picking it up): Yes, it’s money.

AMMOS FEDOROVICH (aside): Well, it’s all over! I’m lost and done for!

HLESTAKOV: I say, won’t you lend it to me?

AMMOS FEDOROVICH (hastily): Certainly, why not, sir? . . . With the greatest pleasure. (Aside.) Now, bolder, bolder! Pull me through, Most Holy Mother!

HLESTAKOV: On the road, you know, I spent every kopek, on this and that. . . . Of course, I’ll send it to you at once from my country home.

AMMOS FEDOROVICH: Please, sir, the idea! It’s honor enough without repayment. . . . Of course, in my poor, weak way, by zeal and diligent service of the authorities . . . I shall always strive to deserve . . . (He rises from his chair and draws himself up to an attitude of attention.) I won’t venture to disturb you longer by my presence. Have you no orders for me?

HLESTAKOV: What sort of orders?

AMMOS FEDOROVICH : I considered that you might have some orders for the local District Court.

HLESTAKOV: What for? I haven’t any need of it at present; no, there’s nothing. Thank you very much.

AMMOS FEDOROVICH (bowing and going out, aside) : The town is ours!

HLESTAKOV (when alone): The Judge is a good fellow!

SCENE IV

HLESTAKOV and the POSTMASTER, who, clad in his uniform, stands at attention, hand on sword

POSTMASTER: I have the honor to introduce myself: Postmaster and Court Councilor Shpekin.

HLESTAKOV: Ah, do come in! I’m very fond of pleasant society. Be seated. I suppose you live here all the time?

POSTMASTER: Just SO, sir.

HLESTAKOV: I like this little town. Of course, it’s not very populous; but what of that? It’s not the capital. It’s not the capital, is it?

POSTMASTER: That’s perfectly true.

HLESTAKOV: You find bong tong only in the capital, where there are no provincial geese. What’s your opinion: isn’t that right?

POSTMASTER: Quite right, sir. (Aside.) I see he’s not a bit haughty: he asks about everything.

HLESTAKOV: You’ll have to admit, I suppose, that it’s possible to live happily even in a small town?

POSTMASTER: Just so, sir.

HLESTAKOV: In my opinion all one needs is to be respected and sincerel...

Table of contents

• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Table of Contents
• Note
• CHARACTERS
• CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES
• ACT I
• ACT II
• ACT III - The same room as in Act I
• ACT IV - The same room in the house of the CHIEF OF POLICE
• ACT V - The same room