PART ONE
âBâ MOVIE INTRODUCTION
The first thing I want to say is âMandate, my ass!â
Because it seems as though weâve been convinced that 26% of the registered voters, not even 26% of the American people, but 26% of the registered voters form a mandate, or a landslide. 21% voted for âSkippyâ and 3 or 4% voted for someone else who might have been running.
And yes I do remember (in this year that we have declared to be from âShogun to Raygunâ), I remember what I said about Raygun: âI called him âHollyweirdâ. Acted like an actor. Acted like a liberal. Acted like General Franco when he acted like Governor of California. Thatâs after he started acting like a Republican. Then (in 1976) acted like somebody was going to vote for him for President.â
Now he acted like 26% of the registered voters is actually a mandate. Weâre all actors in this I suppose.
What has happened is that in the last 20 years America has changed from a producer to a consumer. And all consumers know that when the producer names the tune the consumer has got to dance. Thatâs the way it is. We used to be producers and were very inflexible at that. Now that we are consumers we find things difficult to understand.
Natural resources and minerals will change your world. The Arabs used to be in the Third World. They have bought the Second World and put a firm down payment on the First one. Controlling your resources will control your world.
This country has been surprised by the way the world looks now. They donât know if they want to be diplomats or continue the policy of nuclear nightmare diplomacy. John Foster Dulles ainât nothing but the name of an airport now.
America wants Nostalgia. They want to go back as far as they can, even if it turns out to be only last week. Not to face now or the future, but to face backwards. And yesterday was the time of our cinema heroes riding to the rescue at the last minute; the day of the man on the white horse or the man in the white hat, coming to save America at the last moment. Someone always came to save America at the last moment.
And when America found itself having a hard time facing the future they looked for one of their heroes. Someone like John Wayne. But unfortunately John Wayne was no longer available, so they settled for Ronald the Raygun.
And it has turned into something that we can only look at like a âBâ movie.
PART TWO
âBâ MOVIE THE POEM
Come with us back to those inglorious days before heroes were zeros. Before fair was square. When the cavalry came straight- away and all-American men were like Hemingway, to the days of the wondrous âBâ movie.
The Producer, underwritten by all the millionaires necessary, will be âCasperâ the defensive Weinburger. No more animated a choice is available.
The director will be âAttilaâ the Haig, running around declaring himself âIn charge and in control!â The ultimate realization of inmates taking over at the asylum.
The screenplay will be adapted from the book called Voodoo Economics by George âPapa Docâ Bush.
The theme song will be done by The Village People. That most military tune âMacho Manâ. A theme song for saber rattling and selling wars door-to-door. Remember, weâre looking for the closest thing we can find to John Wayne.
Clichés abound like kangaroos courtesy of some spaced out Marlin Perkins, a Raygun contemporary. Clichés like:
âTall in the saddle.â Like âRiding on or off into the sunset.â Like âQadafi, get off my planet by sunset.â More so than âHe died with his boots on.â
Marine tough, the man is Bogart-tough, Cagney-tough and Hollywood-tough, the man is John Wayne-tough, the man is cheap steak-tough and Bonzo-substantial.
A Madison Avenue masterpiece. A miracle, a cotton candy politician: âPresto Macho!â
Put your orders in, America, and quick as Kodak we duplicate, with the accent on the dupe!
Itâs a clear case of selective amnesia: remembering what we want to remember and forgetting what we choose to forget. All of a sudden the man who called for a bloodbath on our college campuses is supposed to be Dudley Goddamn Do-Right?
âYou go give them liberals hell, Ronny!â That was the mandate to the new Captain Bligh on the new Ship of Fools.
Obviously based on chameleon performances of the past: as a liberal Democrat. As the head of the Screen Actorâs Guild. When other celluloid saviours were cringing in terror from McCarthy- ism Ron stood tall!
It goes all the way back from Hollywood to Hillbillies, from liberal to libelous, from Bonzo to Birchite to Born Again.
Civil Rights. Gay Rights. Womenâs Rights. Theyâre all wrong! Call in the cavalry to disrupt this perception of freedom gone wild. First one of them wants freedom and then the whole damn world wants freedom!
Nostalgia. Thatâs what America wants. The good old days. When we âgave them hell!â When the buck stopped somewhere and you could still buy something with it! To a time when movies were in black and white and so was everything else.
Let us go back to the campaign trail before six-gun Ron shot off his face and developed Hoof in Mouth. Before the free press went down before a full court press and were reluctant to view the menu because they knew that the only meal available was âcrowâ.
Lon Chaney, our man of 1,000 faces got nothing on Ron.
Doug Henning will do the makeup.
Special effects by Grecian Formula 16 and Crazy Glue.
Transportation furnished by the David Rockefeller Remote Control Company. Their slogan is: âWhy wait âtil 1984. You can panic now and avoid the rush.â
So much for the good news. As Wall Street goes so goes the nation and hereâs a look at the closing stocks:
Racism is up. Human Rights are down. Peace is shaky. War items are hot. The House claims all ties. Jobs are down, money is scarce and Common Sense is at an all-time low with heavy trading.
Movies were looking better than ever and now no one is looking because weâre all starring in a âBâ movie. And we would have rather had John Wayne. In fact, we would have done better with John Wayne.
Ah yes, theyâre off and running again. The campaign trail. And doesnât he look like himself? Back in the saddle again.
From Roy Rogers to Buck Rogers to Ginger Rogers to Kenny Rogers to Mr. Rogers to Jolly Rogers. A Re-Ron.
From Gabby Hayes to Rutherford B. Hayes to Helen Hayes to Isaac Hayes to walking around in a bleeping Haze. A Re-Ron.
In the dead of night weâve seen it all: Boy George in drag? Or was Maggie Thatcher RayGun in drag?
Maggie and Jiggs. What gigs they got. Thatâs the problem.
Itâs a Re-Ron. Itâs Geritol. Itâs Jerry Mahoney and off the bleeping wall.
Heâs terrorized and jeopardized and severed ties and sent our spies to plant them mines and told them lies all for the bottom line.
We donât need no Re-Ron.
We donât need no Re-Ron, you know.
We donât need no Re-Ron.
Weâve seen all the Re-Rons before.
But there he is. Running again. Re-running. Re-ronning. Itâs a Re-Ron.
A Re-Ron as predicted before the RayGun threats were worldwide inflicted.
All those recent damages and nerve changes. Re-freezing the cold war and lighting a fire under the hot one.
Banging on the war drums and weâre listening to the rhythms.
Itâs a Re-Ron. Milton Berle.
The Duke of Wayne. The Duke of Earl.
Orson Welles doing âWar of the Worldsâ.
The Hardy Boys and Georgy Girl.
Itâs a Re-Ron. A corruption piece starring
Raymond Donovan and Edwin Meese.
Itâs a Re-Ron. The Latin Plan
and hereâs our star: Nacho Man!
We donât need no Re-Ron.
We donât need no Re-Ron, you know.
We donât need no Re-Ron.
Weâve seen all the Re-Rons before.
Itâs beyond real-to-reel and Shogun to RayGun.
And no one has been psyched by cosmetic set changes and minimal shuffling of the deck of the cast of characters:
[I was glad to see James Watt go.]
Secretary of the Inferior. James âKilowattâ, Kill a Tree, Kill a Seal!
Attila The Haig transformed into Peanuts. Called Shultz on Capitol Hill.
A dead ringer for the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz. And every time I see...