Get a Life!

Paul Veller

• Publisher: IVP
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9781844742172
• eBook ISBN: 9781844747115
• Topic: Theology & Religion
• Subtopic: Christianity

Tired? Trapped? Troubled?
Long working hours, travel and ever-evolving gadgets connecting us to an always-on world leave many people sapped of energy and far too tired. Families and friends often get the dregs of lives worn out by work. Financial anxiety is the padlock that keeps us trapped. Sometimes we wonder whether we are in God's will and what the long-term legacy of our life will be.
Work-life balance problems? Paul Valler has been there.
Based on firsthand experience of a pressurized life Paul digs deep to uncover the root cause of our symptoms and shows how gaining a strong identity and clear purpose enables us to make winning choices. Bite-sized chapters and thoughtful questions make it possible for even the most committed workaholic to get a life.

1. Introduction – is this your life?

One year stands out in my memory. I had just begun a very demanding job that required a lot of attention. I was usually working ten hours a day, and that did not include overseas business trips which frequently took me away from home. That same year my brother was diagnosed with a fatal brain tumour and both he and my parents needed support. Our teenage sons were in that phase of their launch into adult life that NASA refers to as ‘maximum aerodynamic stress’. At the same time our church was struggling without a pastor and I was church secretary in pole position for sorting it out. My wife told me I was distant. Even when I was physically present at home, I was emotionally absent. Work-life balance problems? I’ve been there.

Still, my French boss did speak exactly like Inspector Clouseau, which provided occasional light relief. Clouseau usually leaves a trail of destruction and, looking back, I realize I made a mess of the situation in many ways. By God’s grace I came through with my marriage and family intact, but there were long-term health and relationship consequences of being under that kind of ­sustained pressure. I wish I had not had to learn to ‘get a life’ the hard way.

Most talk about work-life balance focuses on time, but much more is hidden beneath the surface. Nine tenths of the iceberg of work-life pressure is a hidden reality we rarely want to face or talk about.

Tired, trapped and troubled

We are tired – not just because of working hours and travel. We are tired from being electronically connected to an always-on world, tired of people’s expectations, and tired from the slavery of meeting targets. Many of us toil in sleep-deprived, energy-sapping workplaces of continuous intensity. We may not want to admit it, but we are far too tired – and our families and friends often get the dregs of lives worn out by work.

Sometimes we feel trapped: stuck in jobs that may not suit us, doing time in organizations where our development may seem ignored or blocked, and angry inside at the long-hours culture. Financial anxiety is the padlock keeping us there. We may also feel ethically compromised in work relationships and situations where there seems no right way out.

So instead of being at peace, we are troubled. We are unsettled by the different faces we have to present to different people and heavy hearted in some relationships that may not be working out well. Sometimes we wonder if we are really making a difference and feel uncertain about whether we are in God’s will. We feel troubled by the strain on our health and sense of well-being and about what the long-term legacy of our life will be.

This is not another Little Book of Calm for the superficial treatment of these symptoms. Restful sounds of nature being piped over the intercom and screensavers with pictures of South Sea islands didn’t do it for me. I needed more than lavender under the pillow and encouragement from a personal fitness trainer. Coping mechanisms were not enough. I needed help to understand and deal with the deep causes of work-life problems. So I went looking for something.

Identity, purpose and choices

My personal journey included decisions like refusing to re­-­locate for a promotion, working part time as finance director of a large company and changing career – choices that attracted interest and led to mentoring others. Major work-life decisions like these forced me to get to grips with the tension between three key dimensions of my life: who I was, why I was here, and what I should do. These three dimensions are identity, purposes and choices (see figure 1). I could not solve all my problems, but I could try to make choices that were consistent with my values and my purposes.

How much are our choices consistent with our identity and our purposes? This is a deep issue. Are we integrated or fragmented? How much is there a sense of harmony or dissonance in our work and life? As I grappled with these questions and my life choices, I began to realize that identity and purposes were not independent of each other. All three dimensions – identity, purposes and choices – were inter-related. The choices I made would affect my character and who I might become.

Values, principles and beliefs

Finally, I understood that beliefs are at the root of all this, because our beliefs drive our behaviour. To ‘get a life’ requires a belief system – a set of values and principles – that gives coherence. To enjoy an integrated life requires applying those values to our personal work-life world. This book shows how identity, purposes and choices can be better understood and integrated by applying Christian beliefs. You may not be a Christian, but I hope the material and reflection questions will still be interesting and ­relevant. Biblical principles can help us navigate through the white water of work-life situations and the pressures of our ­contemporary culture.

Ironically for Christians, church commitments can sometimes make our work-life problems worse – they certainly made mine worse for a while. The need for volunteers sometimes weighs heavily on already over-committed people. Yet belonging to a local Christian community also greatly helped me to develop clear values and make the right choices. Also my association with the London Institute for Contemporary Christianity (LICC) gave me opportunities to think through the subject in more depth and to develop and refine my teaching resources.

If improvement were easy, work-life stress would not be the top issue for most working people today. Nevertheless, a better work-life pattern is possible. We do not have to continue ­wandering around in a desert of uncertainty. Yes, there are tough issues to overcome, like giants in the promised land, but the cause is not hopeless. The journey from inner restlessness to inner peace is a journey open to all, a journey of one choice at a time. The first step is the willingness to think carefully about life in a structured way. This book provides a structure. I hope it helps.

2. Go away, I’m busy

Pressure Pressure Pressure

Jack ran down the stairs and out the front door. With a passing twinge of guilt over his failure to repair the sticking latch, he slammed the door shut and jumped in the car. Then he remembered his laptop. Muttering an apology to God for what he had just said, he charged back inside, grabbed the bag and slammed the door again. ‘What are you doing?’ called Liz, but there was no reply.

Jack was late. He was often late. Driving away, he punched his mobile for voicemail and heard the words, ‘You have nine messages.’

‘What? Unbelievable! It’s only a quarter to eight.’ He blew out a long sigh as he joined the inevitable queue.

‘Hey Jack, hope you’re well. Can we have ten minutes today to finalize the position before our customer meeting tomorrow? Best time for me would be end of play – I’m pretty full with back-to-back meetings otherwise. Let me know. Cheers.’

‘Yeah, of course I’d like to be late back from work as well,’ said Jack sarcastically. The queue started moving.

‘Next message.’ The voice was older and slower. ‘Oh, hello Jack, sorry I missed you after the service. I was wondering if you would like to have lunch together sometime this week and chat through the agenda for Thursday night. Are you free today? I’m at home, so just call to let me know. God bless.’

Jack gave a little snort. ‘Lunch! What planet are you on?’

He finished listening to all nine messages, only to have the system announce, ‘You have one new message.’

‘Leave me alone!’ he shouted.

It was Liz. ‘Hi, it’s me. The front door won’t shut. Can you tell me what to do?’

Shaking his head, he dialled home. He felt trapped by his responsibilities, burdened with all his obligations and intimidated by other people’s expectations. After calling Liz, he stared ahead, cruising in the outside lane, trying to relax. Pressure at work, pressure at home and pressure at church, a seemingly eternal triangle. ‘I just need a break,’ he thought.

The rush-hour traffic slowed again under the flyover. As his queue crawled past three giant pillars, the graffiti on them revealed itself one word at a time, and Jack gripped the wheel as the message struck home. Good...Morning...Lemmings. ‘God help me,’ he said.

There is something about journeys that creates an opportu­nity for reflection. They are ‘in-between times’ when we can suddenly realize something significant – a flash of insight in a humdrum moment. Perhaps you are reading this on a journey or during another kind of ‘in-between time’.

Our lives are often lived at such a pace that it is only in these momentary pauses that we really start to think. Then our problem is that we are back into the race before we have had a chance to work out what to do. Even when the same thought occurs to us more than once, it can so easily get lost in the busy atmosphere around us.

The Bible warns about this issue of realizing something, but not applying it.

Those who listen to the word but do not do what it says are like people who look at their faces in a mirror and, after looking at themselves, go away and immediately forget what they look like.

(James 1:23–24 NIVI)

For change to take place, insight has to be captured and then turned into action. Without that there can be no progress. If we allow our insights to slip away into the back of our mind, we fail to learn and grow.

Too much to do

After a heavy day Jack was once again late leaving work, silently grateful for the fact that the graffiti artists had only written on one side of the pillars. He felt drained and tried to psych himself up for ‘re-entry’ at home. He knew Liz would be at her low point after three hours of post-school activities, feeding the kids and keeping them in order. Then he groaned as he remembered he’d agreed to cover for Matt at the youth group.

As the traffic stopped again he shut his eyes, only to open them later to find he had a thirty-yard gap in front of him. Embarrassed, he jabbed the accelerator...stalled...then tried to ignore the shaking heads overtaking his car. ‘I’m living in survival mode,’ he thought. ‘What can I stop doing? Everything I do is important. I’m on the proverbial treadmill and I want to get off.’

Jack saw the people in his work and life like spinning plates on poles. If he didn’t keep up the spinning, one of them would fall and smash: his boss, his clients, his wife, his kids, his health, his role at church...How could he ignore any of them? He didn’t want to ignore any of them.

What can Jack do? Rushing between things, he is trying to be all things to everyone and burning out in the process. The same feelings apply whether we are a male thirty-something professional or a mum trying to juggle a job and childcare. Whatever our age or lifestyle, everyone experiences competing pressures and feels like a plate-spinner sometimes.

We can even enjoy this kind of busyness and feel good about our productivity – I certainly did for a while. Then we start to realize that our pattern of behaviour is becoming damaging – more damaging than we want to admit. Our relationships become strained and we begin to feel an uneasy sense of being pulled apart as we try to cope with all the different roles and expectations. Psychologists call it ‘fragmentation’.

Jack’s problem is that he lacks any guiding principles that might enable him to say ‘no’ to something. Whilst desperately needing to set boundaries, he does not know how to deal with the tension he would feel and the disappointment of others. So, without that ability to say ‘no’ in a way others can accept, he lives in slavery to everyone else’s expectations.

Insight Capture Questions

1. Where do I feel pulled in many directions? What ‘plates’ am I spinning?
2. Where do I feel I cannot say ‘no’? Why?

3. Wisdom for the way

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

(Proverbs 4:7)

Difficult choices

The waitress stood with a tray of nibbles – neatly spiralled parcels of bread and smoked salmon. Andrew liked salmon, but he had gluten intolerance and knew the bread would disagree with him. So, reluctantly, he refused. It seemed to have been a day of saying ‘no’. He had refused a promotion to Geneva that would have brought him more money and status. His boss was surprised at his choice and annoyed that his recommendation of Andrew had been undermined by the person he thought would be most pleased. Then Andrew had refused to attend the special church meeting tonight and disappointed his minister. Perhaps the most difficult moment had been telling his wife he would not be around on Friday evening for the party.

Andrew did not like saying ‘no’, but he had learned an important lesson. Saying ‘yes’ to someone often involves saying ‘no’ to someone else. Andrew had said ‘yes’ to keeping his family in this local community and church, and that meant ‘no’ to Geneva. He had said ‘yes’ to attending his daughter’s prize-giving evening with its inedible nibbles, and that meant ‘no’ to a special church meeting. He had said ‘yes’ to supporting his work colleagues in committing to an important dinner, and that meant ‘no’ to a party. As a result of these choices he suffered incredulity, disappointment and irritation from people he cared about.

Their reactions showed that Andrew still lacked the ability to communicate his choices in a way that helped others understand. Yet they respected him – some even envied him. Andrew was one of those people who seemed to have ‘got it together’.

What is the secret that enables Andrew to rise above being a victim of pressure to become a wise chooser of priorities? Why is Jack not as far forward in this area as Andrew?

Part of the answer lies in understanding a pattern of human behaviour older than the Bible. In ancient cultures the deities were thought of as dreaded forces arrayed against humans. The gods were divided against each other and could cause people to be divided within themselves as they tried to appease more than one. People were afraid to worship only one god for fear of being punished by those they had rejected. So they resorted to polytheism – the worship of many gods (see Judges 2:12).

The same thing is happening today. Our priorities can become like little ‘gods’. Clifford Elliott points out in his excellent book With Integrity of Heart that most of us have become prac­tising polytheists. We are under the tyranny of too many priorities, gods who will not share our devotion with other gods, gods who demand all of us. We worship one god in one situation and another god in another situation.

Perhaps very occasionally we may meet someone like Andrew who seems to have ‘got it all together’. It is not that their circumstances are easier than ours, but there seems to be a quiet clarity about their lives that is noticeable. What gives a person that kind of simplicity and peace?

It has something to do with understanding and choosing our values. Our lives become oriented around whatever or whoever we value most – whatever we choose to worship. All kinds of potential idols compete for our attention and devotion: money, work, property, status, popularity, sex, our children, another person, our self-interests – the list is endless. If we allow any of these ‘gods’ to become too important, our lives become distorted as we try to serve whatever we have elevated above its place.

Things fall into the right perspective and our life becomes more integrated when we recognize and stay focused on the true and living God. As Rick Warren says, ‘If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. You were made by God and for God – and until you understand that, life will never make sense.’ All our other ‘gods’ must take their proper place under the Lord God Almighty. ‘The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom’ (Proverbs 9:10).

Making the right choices depends on being clear about our values. To develop authenticity and integrity – by which I mean consistently living our values – we must develop clarity and conviction. Andrew had developed sufficient personal conviction to influence his responses to the pressures and expectations of others. He was free from trying to placate the various ‘gods’ demanding his attention.

In the life of Jesus, we see him making decisions on the basis of inner conviction. For example, at the height of a period when he was healing many people, everyone was pressurizing him to stick around in one town. It would have been a very good thing to do exactly that. Perhaps anticipating the pressure, Jesus took time out early in the morning to pray and then said very clearly, ‘Let us go somewhere else – ...

Table of contents

• Get a Life
• Contents
• Series Preface
• Acknowledgments
• Foreword
• 1. Introduction – is this your life?
• 2. Go away, I’m busy
• 3. Wisdom for the way
• Part 1 Living authentically
• 4. Who do you think you are?
• 5. Afraid or authentic?
• 6. Connected in community
• 7. Better to belong
• 8. Exiled at work?
• 9. In the furnace
• Part 2 Making the right choices
• 10. The naked truth?
• 11. Who can I trust?
• 12. Breaking the power of money
• 13. Beyond my means?
• 14. Driven and deceived
• 15. Got rhythm?
• 16. High time
• 17. Sanctuary
• 18. Moving on?
• 19. Finding a fit
• 20. What do you really want?
• 21. Common sense?
• 22. Spirited conviction
• Part 3 Developing purpose
• 23. Why am I here?
• 24. Mission possible?
• 25. Growing up
• 26. Held up?
• 27. The good life
• Notes