The Greyhound from Altoona, Pennsylvania, to Rockland, Maine, takes twelve hours and thirty-three minutes with three stops, all of them in places where you donāt necessarily want to use the bathroom but may find you have no choice. Even so, the first part of the journey isnāt too badāKristie Turner has two seats to herself. But in New Haven, six hours into the journey, she gains a seatmate in the form of a sixtysomething named Bob who wants to talk with Kristie about the granddaughter he is going to meet for the first time, and also about his abiding love for Creedence Clearwater Revival. Never mind that the bus left Altoona at eleven at night, so by this point itās five in the morning.
Canāt you see Iām tired? Kristie wants to say. Canāt you see Iām grieving? But, of course, Bob canāt see that. Grief is not something you wear on a vest, like a Brownie patch. She rolls up her sweatshirt to form a pillow and angles her body away from Bobās, falling deeply asleep.
Along with her grief, Kristie is traveling to Rockland with $761 in cashāthe very last of her tipsāa duffle bag that fits beneath the seat in front of her, her phone, a truckerās hat from the last restaurant she worked at, $27,000 in medical debt, and an envelope her mother gave her the day before she died. The envelope contains a letter, and even though Kristie has the letter memorized, she knows it is something she will carry with her at all times, or at least whenever it is practical, like a lucky coin or a rabbitās foot.
Two days before she died Kristieās mother, Sheila, emerged briefly from her morphine haze, becoming, for less than a minute, the woman Kristie remembered: nervy and resourceful, if a little worn at the edges by life.
āI know it was hard on you, honey. I wish I gave you more. Iām sorry if I was a disappointment.ā
Kristie lay down in the hospital bed and curled into her mother the way she used to, when she was little, when it was just the two of them. Sheila felt different by then. Cancer had whittled her, she of the gorgeous breasts, tiny waist, and curvy hips, down to fewer than one hundred pounds, all of it bone.
āStop,ā Kristie said. āJustāstop.ā Sheād been more of a disappointment to her mother than her mother ever could have been to her.
When the bus pulls into the Greyhound station in Rockland Kristie wakes. Sheād been dreaming, she realizes, about Jesse, whom sheād left three years ago passed out on their sofa in Miami Beach, coming down from whatever it was that had brought him up the night before. In the dream Jesse was in her motherās hospital room, pulling all the plugs out of all the outlets. Kristie tried to stop him, but then Nurse Jackie came in, with her blue scrubs and her stethoscope and her attitude, and told Kristie it was okay. āSometimes we just have to let go,ā Nurse Jackie told her. āItās the circle of life.ā
Bob is goneāheād been on his way to Portland; she must have slept through that stop. She gathers her belongings, feels in her pocket for the letter, checks her bag for her envelope of cash, and walks down the three steps from the bus and into the great unknown.
Immediately the smell of the harbor assaults her. Itās a friendly assault. The water smells different here from how it did in Miami Beach, and, of course, in Altoona there is no ocean. Here itās moreābriny. More alive than in Florida. The Greyhound terminal is some sort of ship terminal too. There are boats everywhere. She sees boats dry-docked in a parking lot; she sees boats in the water, and a sign that says ferry to vinalhaven. She sees an American flag. She sees a man in overalls looking at her.
āYou look at little lost there,ā he says. āCan I help you find what youāre looking for?ā
I doubt it, thinks Kristie. Can he help her find her way out of debt? Out of sorrow? The manās eyes are kind. āWhere can I find coffee?ā she says. Her voice is dry.
āFancy or not fancy?ā
āEither.ā
āDunkinā Donuts that way.ā He points to the right. āAnd downtown is that way.ā To the left. āAtlantic Baking Company or Rock City.ā
āThank you.ā She takes a deep breath and turns toward downtown. And then, for the first time since she lay in the hospital bed, pressed against her motherās razor-sharp clavicle, she feels like everything might be okay. Maybe not right away, but sometime. It could be the manās kind eyes that make her feel this way, or the possibility of fresh adventure. Or something more nebulous.
Over a small coffee at Atlantic Baking Company she answers an ad in the free paper for a furnished apartment and arranges to see it that very day. Itās on Linden Street, which her phone tells her she can walk to from the coffee shopāa longish walk, with her bag, but doable.
āMost of my other places are gone,ā the landlord tells her when they meet outside the building. āYou really need to start looking in April if you want one of the good ones.ā Heās wearing jeans over which a soft belly pouches, and he has a Maine accent like those sheās heard on television.
āI donāt want one of the good ones. I want one of the cheap ones.ā
āWell, all right then. I guess itās your lucky day.ā
The apartment is crummy, the top floor of a two-family that is crying out for renovation. In the driveway thereās a truck with lobster traps stacked in the back. Two little kids, girls, are running around the front yard, and a woman in a tank top and cutoff shorts is sitting on the steps watching them.
The included furnishings are a double bed, a couch, a rickety wooden coffee table, and a recliner that looks like itās been through two world wars.
āIāll be tearing this down soon,ā the landlord says. āTo rebuild. But itās yours for now if you want to put down first and last.ā
She talks him into taking one monthās rent instead of first and last, and a security deposit in installments, and then she says, āWhat about the family downstairs?ā
āYou donāt bother them, they shouldnāt bother you.ā
āNo, I mean when you tear it down. Whatāll happen to them then?ā
He shrugs. āTheyāll go someplace else.ā
Outside a bike leans against the house. The landlord inspects it. āLast tenants must have left it,ā he says. āItās yours if you want it.ā
The bike is a three-speed, not a vintage-cool three speed, just old. Kristie wants it. In Miami Beach Jesse drove a motorcycle, and Kristie used to ride on the back. She loved that. Motorcycles are glamorous, and dangerous, like Jesse himself, like Kristie used to beālike a Technicolor movie. Abandoned old bikes are like black-and-white television with rabbit ears you have to adjust by hand.
Still, itās something. She rides the bike around most of that first week, putting in applications at North Beacon Oyster, Rockland Cafe, Archerās on the Pier. One by one they tell her that theyāre covered for the summer. All set, they say. All set, all set, all set. They hired everyone they needed by Memorial Day, a week ago. She hears the same at The Landings, Cafe Miranda, In Good Company. She can leave her number on the application, they all say. Theyāll call her if anything changes.
Two doors down from her new apartment is a house full of college kids. Lots of cars with stickers that say middlebury and university of virginia and even harvard. These are the kids who have the jobs that Kristie needs, and they probably donāt even really need them, not the way she does. In the early afternoons they sit outside and drink craft beers from cans, toss a Frisbee back and forth. The girls all have long straight shiny hair and smooth brown legs and complicated sets of bracelets. The boys take off their shirts to play. Their bodies are hairless and slender and at the same time muscular. Kristie feels nostalgic watching them, even though it should be impossible to feel nostalgia for something you never experienced. Those years, the years when she could have been doing what these kids are doing, are lost.
By day she applies for jobs, and at night she eats the cheapest food she can find: Dairy Queen, Subway. She can survive without eating a lot. She can survive without most things. Sometimes, when sheās eating her cheap food, she takes out her collection and looks at it: the printout of Louisa McLeanās bio from the New York University website. The press release from the Maine Supreme Judicial Court, announcing Martin Fitzgeraldās retirement. The directions to the house from downtown Rockland, and the Google Earth printout of the aerial view, and the Zillow page. The photo of Matty McLean winning a cross-country race.
By the fourth day of June sheās worried sheāll run out of money. Sheās also bored; there are no more restaurants to apply to. And maybe thatās why she decides finally to bike to Ships View. Itās three and a half miles from her apartment. She wonders if the bike will make it that far; she supposes thereās only one way to find out.
Google Maps did not mention the hills. The ride is basically all rolling hills once she hits North Shore Drive, and sheās really starting to sweat. The glimpses of the water in between the houses, and the houses themselves, are all glorious, but the sky is gray, and itās humid. She wishes sheād brought water. She passes the turnoff to the Owls Head airport, and then there are more hills, up and down, up and down. She knows she has to take a left on Hidden Beach Road but she has forgotten what comes before it; she worries that sheās missed it. She wonders if she should pull over and look at her phone but she doesnāt want to lose momentum on the hills. And then, yes, here it is, a dirt road, bumpy, uneven. And then the smaller lane turning off the road. And then the house.
She pulls her bike over near a playset with a green slide so she can look at the house without revealing herself. The house. She has Wazed it and googled it and mapped it; sheās thought about it and dreamed about it, but now that sheās standing here looking at it itās both more and less intimidating than she expected. Gray shingled, five windows across the top, five across the bottom, a semicircle of a garden thatās a riot of color. Cars parked around the circular driveway: a minivan, a Mercedes sedan, a green pickup with the words gilās gardens stenciled on the side. She takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly. She canāt go any closer than this, not now, not the first time. She just wanted to see it. Thereās a long porch on the back of the house; she knows this from her research. It wraps around one side, and thatās the part she can see. She hears the voices of children farther out, maybe near the water, and as she watches a little girl runs across the lawn, arms pumping.
Kristieās heart constricts with something complicated and indescribable, but also with a very basic, very primal feeling. The feeling is envy. The people who live in this house have money. Old money. Real money. She has felt like an outsider plenty of times in her life, but never perhaps as she does right now.
āCan I help you?ā Kristie jumps, turns around. Thereās a man there, a man about her age, maybe a year or two older; maybe five years older. He has longish hair curling a little in the back, and heās wearing a Portland Sea Dogs baseball hat. His eyes are dark green, almost olive. āYou a Peeping Tom?ā
āNo!ā She gestures toward her bike. āNo. Not at all. I was out on a bike ride.ā
āOn that?ā He nods at her bike, but heās smiling. āCanāt believe you got very far. Whatās that, a one-speed?ā
āThree,ā she says. āNot to brag or anything.ā He smiles harder. āI took a wrong turn. I was justātrying to figure out where I meant to go. Are you Gil?ā She points to his shirt, which says gilās gardens, just like the truck.
āNop...
