Divorce and the School

Kathleen M. Cox, Martin Desforges

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2017
• ISBN:
  9781315411873
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Education General

This practical and accessible book, first published in 1987, provides examples of ways in which schools can ease children through the stress caused by changes in family structure. Through case histories the authors illustrate the sorts of problems likely to produce stress for children during divorce. In the following chapters they deal with the stages of marital breakdown; children's reactions to parental separation related to age; the law and legal processes associated with divorce; the role of the school and its organisation in helping children under stress, and the relevance of curriculum content for such children. This title will be of interest to teachers and students of education and sociology.

1 Stages of marital breakdown

Marital separation and divorce form a lengthy process which may last many months or even years and can be divided into a number of stages for separate consideration. Many couples go through several temporary separations before the final break, and some families may get caught up in a repetitive cycle of separation and reunion before a final breakdown.

Nobody enters marriage believing it will fail. People marry with high hopes, even after a previous failed marriage for both partners, or at least with vague hopes, and with no expectation of breakdown. Although everyone has heard of divorce, many people can’t believe that it will happen to them – ‘our family doesn’t do that sort of thing’. The belief is that divorce, like accidents, happens to other people.

Individuals suffer a sense of failure, guilt, and disbelief after marital separation. It is common after an initial separation for the couple to get together to try again, because both partners feel bound by the marriage contract. They promised each other that their marriage was for ever, they feel guilty at not succeeding at something as ordinary as marriage, and they cannot believe that it is happening because divorce doesn’t match their self-image. These are the attitudes that fuel the repetitive cycle of separation and reunion which is often so incomprehensible to those on the outside.

It is a cycle because most people are trying to return to the original happy relationship complete with its ups and downs, rather than progress to divorce and being single.

Figure 1.1 Stages of marital breakdown

Dick said, ‘I had one last go at making it work. I put all my emotional energy into it. I cried for the first time. Logically there was no reason why it should work. After months of emotional turmoil I accepted it was finished.’

The problem is made even more complex by the fact that the bonds of marriage exist in many different ways – emotional, social, physical, familial, legal, and economic. In the process of separation and divorce each of these bonds is broken at a different time. Emotional ties may break down either before or after legal and economic ones. The decision to separate is rarely mutual in the sense that both partners come to the same conclusion simultaneously, as each partner values the marriage for different reasons.

Women tend to have higher expectations of marriage and consequently greater disappointments. In recent years they have filed three-quarters of all divorce petitions in England and Wales. Their dissatisfaction and subsequent action come as a great surprise to men who have not picked up any serious early warning signals of distress and are the unhappy recipients of their wives’ decision to separate.

John was a high-earning, successful professional man from a poor background. He had worked hard and in so doing had given his family a secure and high standard of living. This necessitated long hours of work, both away from home and at home. Consequently the family functioned very well both when he was there and when he was not. He was aware of being marginalized but accepted this as an inevitable result of hard work and the success that had always been expected of him and he had now achieved. For John, home life did not mean talking with his wife and children but experiencing them as there. Meanwhile his wife established a career, and some aims of her own, and, as he became a more and more shadowy part of her life, she decided she would be better without him. She wanted companionship from her partner, and preferred solitude to this silent cohabitee, however much he earned. John had always seen himself as a good husband, a good provider who made few demands. He was devastated and uncomprehending when asked to leave.

At the end of their marriage both partners go through phases of grieving similar to those that follow the death of a loved one. Even when two parents lose their child they pass through the phases of bereavement at a different rate, and with the death of their marriage, partners are even more likely to be out of phase, so adding to the conflict and confusion. One person may experience the psychological loss of the partner long before the physical separation, whilst the other, hoping for reconciliation, may only accept this loss a long time after the legal separation.

The stages accompanying any separation, whether temporary such as hospitalization, or permanent such as death or divorce, are experienced by the children concerned as well as the adults. For the two parents and all the children affected by a separation there will be as many perceptions and reactions as there are people. As they relate to each other added difficulties arise because all are in different phases of reaction. What is obvious to one is not obvious to another, and a parent who is angry with a spouse for leaving cannot relate to a child who is sad because of the same event.

The denial of loss or separation takes several forms. It can include shock, incredulity, and total lack of acceptance of what has happened. Queen Victoria had Prince Albert’s clothes laid out every day for forty years after his death as if he were still alive. Many people who are said to have put a brave face on don’t actually believe that the situation has occurred. This is often described as being ‘numb’.

After the numbness come strong feelings of despair, with tears, rage, and fears for the future. This is often expressed as ‘It’s not fair’, ‘Why me?’, or ‘What have I done to deserve this?’ There is often a period of frantic activity, inner raging, and also illness and social isolation.

Finally comes detachment, with less inner turmoil, acceptance of the current situation, rather than yearning for what might have been, and realistic plans for the future. Parents who are no longer marriage partners can now work together for the good of their children. The anger has passed and they are detached enough to work together.

THE UNHAPPY MARRIAGE

Although people expect their marriages to last for ever they are rarely more explicit than this in their expectations. People marry with vague, generalized assumptions as to what is involved, and the reality of what marriage is like with the particular person they’ve chosen only slowly becomes clear. This is a normal process, and with goodwill (love), realism, and a few home truths (that the course of true love is not smooth) an arrangement can be worked out to the satisfaction of each partner. Enjoying finding out about each other is a good way of evolving a marriage which suits them both.

All marriages are different and have to be worked out. One of the problems with second marriages is that people have clearer expectations, based on previous experience, of what is involved. These expectations are still seldom put into words and the failure of second marriages is even higher than of first, i.e. about 1 in 2.

Frequently, dissatisfactions which cannot be put into words, or unexpressed anger which causes sadness and withdrawal, precede and precipitate the breakdown of a marriage.

Many marriages that fail do so following a death within the immediate family or of a close friend. The unexpressed grief is difficult for marriage partners to handle. They become confused and unhappy, spending more time preoccupied with their own problems and less and less time with each other. Different people cope with unhappiness in different ways. Some withdraw, others sulk or are silent, whilst still others are angry, shout and lose their tempers, or become violent. As both become preoccupied with their own problems they spend less and less time sharing family activities. Some children receive extra love and attention from parents who are compensating for the withdrawal of their partner’s love, and are used as weapons between the two adults who are feeling uncertain and unloved. Whatever form the unhappiness of the parents takes, the early signs of anxiety and upset in the children are easily overlooked.

Although parents may try hard to hide disagreements, children are much more likely to be aware of an unhappy relationship than their parents realize. Ann said, ‘We both tried to hide from the children the fact that something was wrong with our marriage, but they would creep downstairs to hear what we were saying.’ Even young children are sensitive to non-verbal messages (angry looks, not talking or looking at a partner, lack of physical contact) and will find the tense atmosphere stressful.

As a baby, Matthew ‘failed to thrive’. Although born healthy, a wanted child whose parents were materially comfortable, he was constantly hospitalized throughout his babyhood for no reasons that a doctor could ever discover. It came as a surprise when his father left his mother, as not even their closest friends or family had suspected that anything was wrong with the relationship. As soon as this happened, Matthew began to thrive and the only diagnosis for his illness was that he was picking up the unpleasant atmosphere between his parents.

Even though many children may be accustomed to parental quarrels they do not accept that there is a serious problem, partly because of the denial of difficulties, and partly because this is the normality of their lives – they know no other. Consequently they will be surprised that their parents want to live apart, and frightened by their own uncertain future. Only a few children want the household to break up. Most want their parents to remain together and hope desperately that the situation will improve. Very occasionally, if children have been ill-treated by a parent, they may want that parent to leave. It is at this stage in the break-up that the parents try hardest to justify their separation and ignore the children’s wishes. Parents anxious to make a break cite instances to prove that a child thinks that the new situation is for the best – that a new ‘father’ has more time for the children, for example, or that quarrels will cease if the parents are apart and the children will benefit from the calmer atmosphere at home. Sometimes professional opinion is sought to ‘prove’ that what the adults want is best for the children. As psychologists we have been asked by solicitors to provide reports for the courts to this effect, though the children may not see the situation in the same way. For many children the fantasy of parental reunion persists up to, and beyond, the separate remarriage of their parents. Jayne was nearly 20, a student teacher, when she heard her father’s present wife had had an accident. ‘If she dies you can divorce Fred and marry Dad again,’ she told her mother, not really in jest. Jayne’s parents had each been married to someone else for eight years.

SEPARATION

Having made the decision to separate, parents should, if possible, make time before the break to prepare the children and tell them what is happening. It is important that they are honest. The majority of children whose parents separate are not told what is happening and the situation is made worse for them than it need be. The parents often say that it was so obvious that it did not need saying, or that the children were too young to understand. This helps the adults avoid tears and an unpleasant scene, but it also makes the children more anxious and does not help in the long term.

In addition to being honest the adults must leave time and space for the children to ask questions. The children’s concerns will be different from the adults’. These concerns cannot be allayed if the adults do not give the children opportunities to ask questions. Furthermore it is important that the subject does not become unmentionable. Many children feel that their parents’ separation is a totally taboo subject. The burden of secrecy becomes an extra one for them to have to shoulder. What the children need to know immediately are the practical details as they relate to themselves. No reason will ever be an adequate explanation of why they are losing their family.

Most children will be upset when they realize the truth. Some will cry, others may be silent or run from the situation. Reassurance at this stage is best given by physical comfort and nursing rather than by more talk or telling the child to be big and not cry. People need to express loss and grief through tears. Children who show little reaction at first may have difficulty accepting what is happening but may continue to ask questions over the next few weeks to try to make sense of events in their own terms. It is important to answer these questions even though it has apparently all been said before. People in distress need to cover the same ground many times. This is the time when children need to be reassured that they have done nothing for which they should be embarrassed or ashamed. Many believe that they must have behaved badly for such a terrible thing to happen to them. In an atmosphere in which they feel it’s all right to talk about what is happening they may get comfort from friends and be able to talk about their feelings and the changes in family life.

People who do not involve their children fully and openly often say afterwards that that is what they most regret. Those who tell their children the truth often feel very relieved even though it is a difficult and painful thing to do.

THE IMMEDIATE POST-SEPARATION PERIOD

Immediately after separating people frequently experience depression, feelings of inadequacy, and physical illness. Even those who choose to leave in order to live with someone else do so at considerable personal cost as well as gain. All feelings of anxiety, grief, and anger are experienced intensely at this time. Preoccupation with their own feelings and worries makes it difficult for parents to provide the children with the attention, affection, and support that they need and are accustomed to receiving. If the children are not cared for as well as they used to be, this can add to the difficulties which they are already experiencing.

Children can become very worried about the parent who stays, particularly if they see the parent suffering unaccustomed problems. Christine, for example, had tummy aches and was unsmiling and generally miserable. Her GP could find no reason for this. Christine’s mother had recently been left by her husband, who was not able to face the responsibilities of family life. Unfortunately this had left the family, which had previously been fairly wealthy, extremely short of money, and there were real problems for the mother. Christine’s tummy aches and general demeanour improved when her mother’s mental health improved with psychotherapy and material assistance.

To help the children cope with the first stages of the separation period it is important to keep to as many familiar routines as possible – to eat meals at the usual times, to undertake the usual weekly activities and visits to friends and relatives, and to attend the same school. It is important to be aware of the questions and doubt that may be in the child’s mind whether they are voiced or not. Questions such as ‘Who will take care of me?’, ‘What will happen if I am ill?’, ‘Who will feed me?’ Young children especially fear losing the adults who are closest to them and whom they depend on for the greatest amount of love and emotional support. They are deeply worried about being separated from places, objects, and people that have been part of their everyday life. This fear may cause them to cling to some things, which are in a sense remembrances of the emotional security felt during the time the marriage was intact. The loss of one parent makes children afraid of losing the other and also of losing their family unit. These are the issues on which they need informing and reassuring.

Many children secretly believe that they must have done something to cause the separation. Believing this sometimes leads children to work harder at school, as if trying in a magical way to make the absent parent return. It is important to try to reassure the child that the family breakdown is not caused through any fault of theirs. A child’s personal friends can be very supportive at this time. This is why it is important that the situation is not secret and children are allowed to confide when and in whom they choose.

Some custodial parents may find coping with their children difficult in the new circumstances and, seeing this, friends and relatives often offer to take the children to give the parent a break. It is much better if friends and relatives can find ways of helping the mother and children at home. In this way the children retain links with familiar routines and are not separated from both parents.

When a parent leaves the household the unit turns into a one-parent family, the status which Adrian Mole, at an age when it is important to be fashionable, at least appeared to enjoy initially. But for him and for others the loss of the old identity is greater than the gains from the new. Separation, against the will, forces a loss of self-esteem and feelings of being unloved. This is the general disease which is expressed in physical terms with the vague aches and pains experienced by Christine, as described above.

For someone coming to terms with being a single parent it is easy to refuse offers of ...