Assertiveness

A Practical Approach

Clare Ward, Stephanie Holland

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2018
• ISBN:
  9781351687942
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Education General

This highly successful title offers an opportunity for professionals from all backgrounds to develop an understanding of assertiveness, which has been shown to be therapeutically advantageous for all kinds of client groups and can be useful in many contexts. It is a highly practical working manual from which you can apply the principles of assertiveness, both to yourself and to your clients.

1 Introduction to Assertiveness

Assertiveness and You

Assertiveness training looks deceptively easy. To put it simply, it is a form of behaviour therapy with an extremely powerful message, which needs to be handled with respect. There is a growing awareness amongst health professionals of the value of using counselling and psychotherapy techniques, both in a professional and a personal context. Assertiveness is directly linked with this area of personal growth and development.

We believe that reading this book can never be a substitute for attending a course for yourself. Assertiveness training is, for the most part, experiential and we therefore strongly recommend that you experience it for yourself at first hand. With this in mind we have listed various training opportunities in Appendix II. The advantages in attending a course for yourself include better communication, the reduction of stress through the ability to set clear limits and the honest expression of feelings. These are valuable skills to learn; you and your clients can only benefit as a result.

Change

Training in assertiveness demonstrates to us that we are all capable of change. Altering behaviour patterns that we have lived with for many years can, on the one hand, be exciting and stimulating, but on the other it can be understandably scary. Assertiveness is concerned with making choices, and therefore it is important that individuals choose for themselves whether they wish to make these changes or not. They need to understand just what is entailed and be reassured that any changes they make will be gradual and supported. We are creatures of habit and familiarity is often the safest route to take. Relationships are complex to say the least, and when one partner begins to assert themselves, the other is likely to feel threatened and may resist the change. This is another important point to be discussed with your clients, so that they are aware of the potential effects that the training can have on their lives. We always suggest that they talk with those around them about the changes they are attempting to make in themselves, as this can help to avoid any resentment and misunderstanding.

This was demonstrated when Tony’s new-found confidence and increased fluency led him to reclaim some of the tasks that, as a stammerer, he had previously left to his wife, such as ordering food in a restaurant and complaining if the service was poor. In the group, he shared his confusion about his wife’s lack of enthusiasm for his assertive behaviour, and as a result realised how his changes were affecting her. This helped him to empathise with her feelings of resentment caused by the reversal of their roles. When he arrived home that night he was able to share his feelings with her, as a step towards resolving the problem.

Personal Change

We are often tempted to try to change other people’s behaviour, rather than our own: “She’d be a much better person if she went on the course I suggested”; “I’ve told him not to drink so much, he’d be a lot happier if he didn’t.” Trying to change another person is ultimately an aggressive act, an attempt to impose our will on someone else, regardless of their wishes. The reality is that we can only ever change ourselves. However, when we do so, other people are often enabled to make their own changes.

Defining Assertiveness

There are many definitions of assertiveness. We list here the ones we consider to be the most important:

► The ability to express our ideas and feelings, both positive and negative, in an open, direct and honest manner;

► The ability to stand up for our rights while respecting the rights of others;

► The ability to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people;

► The ability to find a compromise where conflict exists.

Before presenting these ideas to your clients it is useful to ask them how they perceive assertiveness. Responses we have received which reflect commonly held misconceptions include: “It’s about learning to get my own way”; “It means I’ll be able to win all my arguments”; “It’s standing up for my rights and to hell with the rest of them”; “Assertiveness is about manipulating people without them noticing.” In fact all these definitions describe aggressive rather than assertive behaviour and it is very important that this misunderstanding be clarified at the beginning of any course.

The first session provides such an opportunity. It is also important to make time for people to get to know each other and share their expectations about the course. One of the first exercises is that of establishing the group ‘rules’. Confidentiality is the most important, as people need this in order to feel safe enough to share their experiences.

If people wish to develop their understanding of assertiveness they can easily do this by reading some of the books listed in the appendix. Assertive behaviour, as contrasted with aggression or passivity, is discussed in more detail in the next chapter.

2 Behaviour Types

Introduction

There are basically four different types of behaviour: passivity, direct aggression, indirect aggression and assertion. Nobody is completely aggressive, passive or assertive all the time. It is important to appreciate that none of these behaviours are wholly right or wrong; they are just different and have different effects and consequences.

Learning to Accept our Behaviour

Each one of us has learnt to behave aggressively, indirectly, passively and assertively in different situations throughout our lives. Although there can be a temptation to identify with one particular type of behaviour it is important to acknowledge the wide variety of our responses. People are sometimes surprised; they often come on a course, with the idea that they are totally passive or aggressive, denying the fact that they also act assertively on many occasions. It can be helpful to present the different behaviour types in the form of caricatures, such as those in this chapter’s handout. This can help people to identify with each behaviour type. Making it amusing means that it becomes less threatening. We need to be able to accept the behaviour that we are trying to change; we cannot change something in ourselves if we do not even acknowledge that it exists. Making the distinction between these different behaviours means looking at them in more depth.

Passivity

This is the ‘doormat’ syndrome, where we allow ourselves to be trampled on by other people. It is characterised by a feeling of powerlessness and an inability to take control of our lives. Our self-esteem is very low, tentatively bolstered by pleasing other people and giving them what they want, regardless of our own needs. This overriding need to please and placate those around us results in our having difficulty in standing up for our rights or making clear decisions. The victim in us feels that life has handed us a raw deal and, as a consequence, we have a tendency to avoid taking any responsibility for our own feelings or actions. No matter how people try to help us, we respond with resistance: change is too risky and painful. If confronted or threatened we usually give in or run away. The effect of this on other people is often sheer frustration, which is what Alan felt whenever Kay showed her passive side.

When Alan asked Kay where she wanted to go on holiday this summer, she shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I don’t mind dear, why don’t you choose?”

Alan suggested that they tried going abroad for a change.

“Well, if that’s what you want, it’s OK with me.”

Alan felt his irritation grow as he attempted to encourage her, just for once, to offer an opinion. “For God’s sake Kay, tell me what you really want!”

Kay looked hurt. “But I’ve told you, I’m quite happy with whatever you decide. You are always moaning at me, when all I’m trying to do is please you.”

In the silence that followed, they both felt upset and frustrated, and were still no nearer to deciding where to spend their holiday.

Direct Aggression

This type of behaviour stems from an intrinsic desire to win at all costs, and it is often confused with assertion. It is true that, when we behave aggressively, we stand up for our rights, express our views and state our needs, but the one important difference is that we do this without any thought or consideration for others’ feelings. Compromise is impossible because it may mean ‘losing’. If threatened or challenged we attack; the attack may be verbal or physical, and others’ response to it is either to back off, become defensive, or to respond with similar force. People often mistake aggressive behaviour for a manifestation of supreme confidence. In fact our self-esteem is often extremely low, and our means of building it up is to put others down, thus chalking up yet another victory for ourselves.

June sometimes used aggression as a way of boosting her poor self-confidence. She walked into the canteen for lunch, feeling rotten because her boss had criticised her work earlier in the day. She ordered her food abruptly, and the assistant, who was new that day, made a mistake, giving her the wrong order.

“You stupid girl, this isn’t what I asked for; can’t you do your job properly?”

The assistant apologised profusely for her mistake, offering to change the order.

“Oh don’t bother, I’m late enough as it is.” The assistant was left feeling bewildered and hurt as June stormed off to eat her meal, failing to recognise the real reason for her aggressive outburst.

Indirect Aggression

This behaviour often results from the fear which exists within our culture of being openly aggressive. Indirect aggression is often seen as the softer option, but in fact its effect can be just as devastating, involving the manipulation of others, through guilt and emotional blackmail. Whereas being the victim of open aggression can be likened to being attacked by a bulldozer, suffering indirect aggression is like being fired at by a sniper: the weapon hits home just as hard, but there is no trace of the attacker. It is harder to identify this type of aggression, because of its subtlety; it is also more difficult to challenge: when it is confronted, there is always denial. Never risking a direct expression of our thoughts and feelings, we create instead an undercurrent of guilty unease, the aim of which is to manipulate others into doing what we want. Responses to this vary from bewilderment to frustration. As with open aggression, our self-esteem is low, boosted by the success of our manipulation and the avoidance of any direct expression of our feelings. It can be very difficult to acknowledge when we are being indirectly aggressive, as was the case with John.

John and Brian worked together on the same project and, on the face of it, seemed to get on very well. John never openly challenged Brian’s work but sometimes used a stream of sarcastic jokes and put-downs instead.

“Watching you work is like watching paint dry; do you think you could actually move into second gear for a change?”

Normally Brian would have laughed weakly, but inside he felt hurt and this time he tried to challenge John.

“I’m fed up with all these comments about my work; I wish you’d give it a rest.”

John looked affronted. “Don’t get so worked up old man; can’t you take a joke?”

Brian felt guilty but he was not sure why; perhaps John was only joking after all. As John walked away he s...