Falling in Love

Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose

Ayala Malach Pines, Ayala Malach Pines

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• ISBN:
  9781136915987
• Edition: 2
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: History & Theory in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Falling in Love is the first book to unlock the mysteries of how and why we fall in love. Renowned psychologist Ayala Pines shows us why we fall for the people we do, and argues convincingly that we love neither by chance nor by accident.She offers sound advice for making the right choices when it comes to this complicated emotion. Packed with helpful suggestions for those seeking love and those already in it, this book is about love's many puzzles.

The second edition furthers the work of the popular and successful first edition. With expanded research, theory, and practice, this book once again provides one of a kind understandings of the experience of love. The new edition offers updated references to recent research, new chapter exercises, and "case examples" of romantic stories to begin each chapter.

Part 1 Conscious Romantic Choices

Increasing the Likelihood of Falling In Love

THIS PART OF THE BOOK DEALS WITH THOSE ASPECTS OF FALLING IN LOVE that are familiar to matchmakers and serve as their major criteria for identifying potential marriage partners. As the following story suggests, matchmakers are not the only ones who are in on these secrets.

Some years ago, in a workshop I led in enchanting Big Sur, California, a man in his early forties described how he had found his “true love.” After a long series of stormy, unsatisfying, and destructive relationships, he decided to let go of the dictates of his heart and choose a partner according to strictly logical considerations. He spent many long weeks preparing a list of traits he was looking for in a mate, his previous relationships having helped him define what he could not accept. The result was a list of 68 traits!

Lest we conclude that whoever makes such a list must be a demanding and unreasonable person, I hasten to add that most of the items on his list were rather reasonable. For example, he wanted his partner to be close to him in age and in height, preferably a little shorter. It was important to him that she not be too fat or too skinny, and that she be reasonably attractive. He wanted her to be an independent woman who could support herself, enjoyed her work, had her own interests, but was also open to exploring new things. And, he thought it important that she be able and willing to discuss problems as they arose. The best proof that these were not unreasonable demands is the fact that not long after making the list, he found, through a group at his church, a woman who answered every single one of his criteria. It is true, he admitted, that their relationship lacks some of the incredibly intense, verging on the insane, highs that characterized his previous relationships, but it did not have the horrible devastating lows either. The relationship was good, warm, and close, and with time, love grew in it, too. Orthodox Jewish couples who marry through a matchmaker also report that love frequently grows in the marriage that took place between people who hardly knew each other. Although this type of love relationship seems different from “love at first sight”—a love that is closer to our prototype of romantic love—the people in these relationships, and the studies about them, indicate that they tend to be warm, stable, and satisfying.

This part of the book deals with the type of reasonable variables the man had on his list. This is not to say that these variables are always obvious. As we will see, some of them are not obvious at all. What they are, however, is observable and thus can be the subject of research. As a result, the evidence for the roles they play in romantic attraction is documented in a huge number of studies. The more interesting and significant of these studies are presented in the next seven chapters. Based on this research, each chapter ends with suggestions on how to increase the likelihood of falling in love.

Chapter 1 Proximity: The Hidden Matchmaker

DOI: 10.4324/9780203843864-2

When I'm not near the one I love, I love the one I'm near.

—E. Y. Harburg, Finian's Rainbow

Advice for good love: Don't love

those from far away. Take yourself one

from nearby.

The way a sensible house will take

local stones for its building,

stones which have suffered in the same cold

and were scorched by the same sun.

—Yehuda Amichai, “Advice for Good Love,” Love Poems

WHEN MIMI FIRST MET AARON, SHE HARDLY NOTICED HIM. BUT, BECAUSE they both worked for the same large computer company and happened to take their coffee break at the same time, she kept running into him. Once Aaron made a funny remark about the coffee, and Mimi laughed. This broke the ice, and they started exchanging comments when they met. Then, one day Aaron introduced himself; Mimi responded by telling him her name, and they talked briefly about their work. The conversation was so pleasant that they decided it would be nice to continue talking over lunch. During lunch, they discovered that in addition to a similar interest in computers, they also had a similar situation in their private lives. Mimi was getting out of the most significant relationship in her life, and Aaron was debating making a similar step. The ability to talk to a kindred spirit about what was troubling them was so wonderful that they started meeting for lunch regularly, both convinced that what they had was a close friendship, but no hint of a romance. Because neither was involved with anyone else, it seemed only natural to go to the company's New Year's Eve party together. Seeing Aaron dressed up, Mim was surprised that she had not noticed before what an attractive man he was. Aaron, for his part, had noticed how good looking Mimi was from the first time he saw her but never intended to do anything about it. After all, she was his buddy, wasn't she? But, the deep affection they felt for each other and the new physical attraction that was sparked between them, with the help of the great music, the special evening, and the alcohol (Mimi's feeble excuse for letting go of her defenses), all combined. The kiss they gave each other at midnight lingered, and when Aaron took Mimi home, he stayed. That was the first night of many. The relationship that evolved between them was as deep as the friendship that preceded it.

We were friends as soon as we met at school. I was actually going out with his roommate, so I spent a lot of time in their house, and we became really close friends. And then, we started falling in love.

We both used to work in the same coffee shop. We just started hanging around together after work. I don't know, we just got to be good friends. He is my best friend.

I started working at his office. Actually, he was my boss's boss, so we would see each other often, and we would always make fun of each other. Then, we started flirting with each other. First, it was only with words. Things would get really hot between us just talking. Then, he asked me out.”

She was in class with me. One evening,we did our homework together, then we continued talking the whole night. Then, we did it again and again. I never spent so much time with anyone except my parents and my closest friends, and I loved every moment.

These quotations are from interviews with young men and women who talked about their most significant romantic relationships. An analysis of the interviews suggests that, in over half of the cases, the romance started between two people who had known each other previously.¹ More often than not, the initial acquaintance was through work (“we worked at the same coffee shop”), through school (“we sat next to each other in class”), or through the place of residence (“we lived on the same floor”). Obviously, to fall in love, people first have to meet. Although love relationships can and do start in other ways (for example, correspondence), Internet romances are becoming increasingly popular; usually, the relationships either take off or die out after the couples have met face-to-face. As will be seen shortly, however, there are other, perhaps less-obvious, reasons for the power that physical proximity exerts over romance.

The Effect of Proximity on Attraction

A number of classical studies demonstrated that as the geographic distance separating potential couples decreases, the probability of their marrying each other increases. In one of these studies, conducted in Philadelphia in the 1930s, some 5,000 marriage licenses were examined. Results showed that 12% of the potential couples lived in the same building, as evidenced by the same address, when they applied for a marriage license. An additional 33% lived a distance of five or fewer blocks from each other. The percentage of marriages decreased significantly as the geographic distance between the potential couples increased.²

In another study, conducted in Columbus, Ohio, in the 1950s, 431 couples who applied for marriage licenses were interviewed. It turned out that 54% of the couples were separated by a distance of 16 blocks or fewer when they first went out together, and 37% were separated by a distance of 5 blocks or fewer. The number of marriages decreased as the distance increased between the couples' places of residence.³

The two most famous studies documenting the relationship between proximity and attraction were conducted in college dormitories. Because most of the students who live in dormitories have not known each other previously, a dormitory provides a good setting to study how close relationships develop.

Renowned social psychologist Leon Festinger conducted a study of the residents of married student housing on the Massachusetts Institute of Technology campus in Cambridge. These dormitories were built in a U-shape around a central court covered with grass. The exterior sides of the buildings faced the street; the central section faced the inner courtyard. Festinger's famous conclusion was that the architect had inadvertently determined the patterns of relationships among the dwellers of these buildings.

Two factors appeared to exercise the greatest influence on personal relationships: the location of the apartments and the distances between them. The most important factor in determining who would be emotionally close to whom was the distance between their apartments. The closer people lived to each other, the more likely they were to become friends. Next-door neighbors were far more likely to become friends with each other than with people who lived in adjacent buildings. As a matter of fact, it was difficult to find close friendships between people who lived more than five apartments away from each other. In more than two-thirds of the cases, close friendships were between next-door neighbors.

In addition, the location of some of the apartments created more opportunities for their residents. Those residents who lived near staircases or mailboxes met more of their fellow residents and met them more often. The frequent encounters increased the chances that these well-located people would talk to others, get to know them, form friendships, and increase their own popularity. On the other hand, people who lived in apartments that faced the street had no next-door neighbors. As a result, these residents made half the number of friends made by those who lived facing the inner court.⁴

The second study was conducted in a student dormitory at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. Again, the results showed that what most influenced the formation of close personal ties between the students was not their compatibility, but their physical proximity. Roommates were far more likely to become close friends than people were who lived several doors down from each other.⁵

And, when a group of new recruits to a police academy were asked about their best friend, most described a person whose last name started with the same letter as theirs. The reason? Assignments to rooms and classroom chairs were made according to last names. This meant that the recruit's roommate and neighbor in class was someone whose last name started with the same letter. This constant physical proximity was found to better predict the development of close ties than did similarity in age, religion, marital status, ethnic background, level of education, membership in organizations, and even leisure time activities.⁶

Seventy years of research on attraction between neighbors, roommates, classmates, coworkers, and members of organizations testifies to the effect of physical proximity on attraction. Students tend to develop closer friendships with other students who take the same courses, sit next to them in class, live with them, or live next to them in dorm rooms. Sales people in department stores form closer friendships with people who work right next to them than with people who work just several yards away. Most important, the likelihood of individuals marrying increases as the physical distance between them decreases.⁷

Is it simply laziness that attracts us to people who are close to us? Among young people in California, GUD is the acronym for Geographically Undesirable, which is to say living too far away to be considered seriously as a candidate for dating. Or, is there some other explanation for the strong positive effect of proximity? One of the most interesting explanations was offered by the noted researcher Robert Zajonc, who viewed the positive effect of physical proximity as the result of “repeated exposure.”⁸ Repeated exposure, it turns out, increases our liking for practically everything, from the routine features of our lives to decorating materials, exotic foods, music, or people.

Repeated Exposure

During his military service, a friend of mine who grew up in a home where classical music was the only type of music he heard, was assigned to a unit whose heroine happened to be the Egyptian singer Omm Kolthum. At first, her seemingly endless, wailing songs were a torture. He would shut his ears and cover his head with a pillow to escape the never-ending torment. But with time, the torment decreased, and he got used to the songs. One day, he discovered that he was nuts about Omm Kolthum. Then, he started torturing his family and friends in an effort to get them to appreciate the wonders of her incredible voice.

Robert Zajonc showed that repeated exposure to almost everything we encounter, from Chinese characters all ...