Mind map and brainstorm to explore character and intention
Begin with a brainstorm, asking your students the following questions:
What do you most like in a person's character?
What do you like people to notice about your character? Do you show appreciation for people with these character strengths?
What do you find most frustrating about other people (habits, comments they tend to make, personality styles, behaviours and attitudes)?
Is there anything about you other people might not understand and find frustrating?
Is there anything you personally do that you find frustrating in others?
Some students, especially those who are less self-confident, might struggle with the openness and self-awareness this activity calls upon. For others, this will be a new concept altogether, and they may need time to process it before they are ready to contribute. Just go with the flow, without pressure, and see what comes of it. If you're willing, hold yourself accountable too and share anything relevant to the discussion.
Once the brainstorm is complete, you can start the mind map. For the first mind map, write âCharacterâ in the centre of the page. See what your students understand about what character means and its role in friendships. If time permits, start a second mind map with âIntentionsâ written in the centre of the page and see if your students can differentiate between clumsy social behaviour resulting from impulsivity or limited social skills sabotaging good intentions or related to unhealthy plans and intentional cruelty.
Case study: Helping Alessi understand and appreciate others for their character and intention
Alessi was one of the kindest students I had ever met. In all the years I'd seen him, he never had hurtful intentions towards others. Alessi would do anything to help friends and family at the drop of a hat. The only problem with Alessi was he had a massive superiority complex. You might be thinking this probably means he had an inferiority complexâafter all, many who show this kind of arrogance are deeply insecure underneath all the fanfare.
Not Alessi. Alessi found anyone with a different point of view or a different level of understanding to him infuriating. He struggled to talk to people he didn't consider intelligent or as capable as himself.
Alessi had always struggled to see things from other people's perspectives. His empathy was low. Not in a cruel wayâjust in the way that other people's thoughts and feelings didn't exist in his trajectory. When other children spoke to him, he'd either ignore them completely, roll his eyes, grunt, sigh, yawn, or on one of his less relaxed days he'd tell them how ridiculous their thinking was.
Needless to say, Alessi had no friends, despite his kind heart, gentle soul and strong desire to be a good friend. He was often lonely. He had no idea what his strengths were other than âI'm smarter than most people my age,â and âI know more about things than most people.â He didn't know how to calm down or to be kind to himself when he was struggling or had made a mistake. He wasn't very active and ate very little.
Alessi begged me to help him make friends but had no insight about how his behaviour might have an impact on his chance at doing this.
Solution
With permission, we filmed him at playtime. Alessi, not convinced he ever spoke or behaved out of turn, sat spellbound watching himself in the yard. Even Alessi could see the atmosphere of intolerance that radiated from his every pore. Interaction after interaction seemed to start peacefully yet end abruptly with Alessi throwing his arms up in the air, rolling his eyes or just walking off midsentence.
Viewing himself objectively was the first step towards helping Alessi develop an understanding of how his words and actions might affect others. He also saw himself as a heavy presence for the first time, wandering from person to person carrying unintentional judgment and objection. This approach was not an exercise in shaming. I made it clear to Alessi that everyone is learning and that he is not the only child who struggles to handle their feelings calmly when frustrated by other people's views. I emphasised the importance of forgiving himself for his mistakes and being kind and considerate towards himself during this challenge.
From here, I was able to help Alessi see we're all connected not only through our similarities but also through our differences. I taught him that underneath our differences we share the same needs. Everyone wants to feel safe, supported, liked and loved. Many people see their way of thinking as the best way of thinking, and most people have the best of intentions. We role played positive interactions (which at first he thought were ridiculous, given they had never actually happened), and we brainstormed ways he could use his strengths to connect with others.
Alessi agreed to engage in a kindness and compassion challenge where he would set out to understand, accept and be kind to others, even if they drove him mad with their âinferiorâ thinking. He would listen without putting what they said into a ârightâ or âwrongâ category, and he'd remind himself to keep his lips closed while they spoke. Slow, deep breathing was essential to keep him focused on his goal and calm enough to achieve it.
At first progress was slow, but after a few weeks the challenge became second nature. The positive attention Alessi was enjoying for the first time in his life made all the effort to accept differences much more comfortable.
While Alessi remains alone in his thoughts and perspectives more often than not, he is no longer alone. He has a small group of friends he can rely on at school and on the weekends. His parents and teachers are relieved, and he's now considered at much lower risk for anxiety and depression in his teenage years.
