Why Don't I Feel Good Enough?

Using Attachment Theory to Find a Solution

Helen Dent

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2018
• eBook ISBN: 9780429823275
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Clinical Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Why Don't I Feel Good Enough? Using Attachment Theory to Find a Solution offers a guide to how early emotional bonds affect our adult relationships and how psychological theory can help us to find the origin and solution to a number of life's problems.

Bringing a wealth of therapeutic experience and the latest scientific research, Helen Dent introduces the benefits that understanding attachment theory can bring to all areas of life. You will find this particularly helpful if you struggle with everyday relationships and have difficulties managing your emotions. Using practical guidance, real-life examples and questionnaires to help you locate your own 'attachment style', she provides the tools and guidance to help you move on and develop secure, positive attachments.

Why Don't I Feel Good Enough?

will be an important guide and resource for psychotherapists, counsellors, clinical psychologists and their clients. It provides a good introduction to attachment theory for professionals in training.

PART 1
Why Don’t I Feel Good?

1
How can I help you?

We all struggle at times with negative emotions and difficult relationships. This is distressing, can be puzzling and may have a very negative impact on our quality of life. Sometimes we may feel everyone is against us, at other times totally incompetent because we do not understand how our emotions and behaviours have been shaped. I want to help you under stand these difficulties and provide some tools and guidance to help you live a happier life. If your difficulties are more complex or deeply rooted, I will provide information about getting further help.

MOST IMPORTANT – it isn’t our fault how we feel or think, but it is our responsibility to choose carefully how we act on our feelings. Acting wisely is much easier if we have a deeper understanding of where our feelings come from. You probably have an intuitive understanding of what you’d like to change, but may need help about how to change. Many personal development books can guide you through methods of change. I want to help you work out the origins of your dif -ficulties and to use this new understanding to make decisions about what to change in your life. In order to do this, I will introduce you to attachment theory, which is widely used in health and social care.

My particular interest in attachment theory, over and above other important psychological theories, comes from two connected experiences in my life. When I first became a mother, I discovered that I didn’t intuitively understand what needs my baby was signalling when he cried. As a consequence, I sometimes found his crying aversive and even became frightened and overwhelmed at times. Fortunately for him and for me, my husband was able to devote himself to his needs without reservation and without giving any hint that he thought me an inadequate mother. Second, when I worked with children in care, I discovered just how useful attachment theory was for explaining behaviours and emotions that were difficult to understand. Two key individuals guided me on this journey, Dr Dan Hughes, during his training workshops on Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), and my colleague Dr Kim Golding, with whom I shared a journey of personal discovery as we co-facilitated exploration of our attachment histories. This deepened my understanding of the parenting difficulties I had experienced and shed light on many other aspects of my life.

Throughout the book I will illustrate theory and practice with the stories of four fictional characters who are based on my experiences of working with people who have attachment difficulties. Each character has developed one of the four main attachment styles and is trying to resolve their personal, social and emotional issues. In portraying these four people I am unable to do justice to the varied ways in which attachment styles impact on people’s unique character and context. I could also not do justice to the full range of diversity within the human race, but I hope your own knowledge and imagination can fill the cultural gaps using the basic theoretical constructs you will find in Part One of the book.

Eva, 42, has a secure attachment style

Eva is a doctor and is married to Mark. They have two children, Jessica and James. Eva had a happy childhood and was brought up by her mother and father, who moved to England from Jamaica in the 1970s. Her mother was a nurse and her father worked for London Underground. She has a younger brother, and though she found him very irritating while she was growing up, they now get on well.

Eva’s mother responded quickly to her children’s needs. She soothed them when they were unhappy and she generally managed to work out what was wrong when they were upset. She was good at noticing what they enjoyed and encouraged them to pursue their interests. As a consequence, Eva has developed a very positive sense of her own self-worth, which helps her to deal constructively with acts of personal and institutional racism.

Eva made friends easily and worked hard at school. She knew the importance of getting a good education. She was the first person in her family to go to university and her parents were very proud of her. She now works as a GP.

Eva met her husband Mark, who is a journalist, at a friend’s wedding. They have a loving relationship and mutual respect. Together they provide a secure and happy family home for their children. Eva’s upbringing has taught her how to provide loving and attuned care to her children.

Eva has a supportive group of friends, some from schooldays and others from university and work. She has long-term relationships, partly because she is good at making judgements about people. She only becomes close to people she can trust, and who care about her. Eva loves being adventurous and would like to travel when the demands of family and work allow it.

Eva’s mother died of Parkinson’s disease two years ago. Eva had helped to care for her at first but eventually her mother needed full time help and moved into a specialist nursing home. Eva was very distressed at the impact of the disease on her mother, and after she died, felt guilty for not managing to care for her. Eventually, a colleague encouraged her to see a counsellor about her grief. Eva found this helpful.

Eva has always enjoyed reading and after her mother’s death joined a book group. She finds this stimulating as it has introduced her to a wider and more intellectually challenging range of books. She has also made new friends who have similar interests to her and she finds the group supportive.

Dan, 29, has an avoidant attachment style

Dan works for an IT company as a web designer. His parents separated when he was four years old, then his mother remarried and had two more children. His father moved to work in the United Arab Emirates when Dan was six and did not maintain regular contact. Dan had a poor relationship with his stepfather who clearly favoured his own children. As a consequence, Dan resented his younger siblings.

When Dan cried as a baby, his mother often walked away without comforting him or attending to his needs. She adhered to a strict routine for feeding and sleeping. When Dan was older, she told him that boys shouldn’t cry, and became irritated if he didn’t stop. Dan learned that his mother stayed closer to him if he didn’t cry or send out other signals of need or distress. From an early age, Dan’s mother shouted at him when he made mistakes. When he was four years old he tried to make her a drink, but dropped a carton of milk on the kitchen floor. His mother was very cross, but when he started crying she stormed out of the house, leaving him alone, afraid and uncomforted. As a consequence, Dan learned that he is not valued by other people, and that if he lets people know how he feels, they will desert him. He has learned to be self-reliant and to look down on other people who express their emotions. He still has difficulties in forming close relationships, partly because he can quickly develop a negative opinion of them and partly because he does not express emotion, positive or negative, because of a sub-conscious fear that he will be abandoned.

Dan did well at school and studied computer sciences at university. He always preferred science subjects and enjoyed everything to do with computers. During his degree, he had a number of work placements and was offered a job when he graduated.

Dan met Erik through supervising his university work placement. They discovered shared interests and are beginning to form a relationship. Dan helps Erik with his studies and in this context feels in control and is able to relax a little. Focusing on Erik’s needs enables Dan to feel safe in a closer relationship than he would normally be comfortable with.

Dan rarely initiates social contact and avoids getting close to people but will join in social events when invited. However, he frequently experiences mini-rejections, which tend to confirm his fundamental belief that he is not important to others.

Dan enjoys his work and puts in a lot of time and effort. He dislikes making mistakes or being given feedback about how he could improve. As a result, he will not take risks and has refused to take on responsibilities that he could manage, so his promotion prospects are being limited.

Jas, 35, has an anxious attachment style

Jas is a teaching assistant in a local primary school. Her father died from cancer when she was six years old after three years of gruelling chemotherapy and her mother subsequently suffered with depression. Jas only had a brief period during which her mother was able to give her the attention she needed. For the rest of her childhood, Jas’s mother was distracted by caring for her husband, or was distant because of her own mental health difficulties. As a consequence, Jas constantly worried that her mother would not be there when needed, so she clung to her and cried at the slightest worry or hurt. Because Jas had to work hard to get her mother’s attention, she learned that though she was loved, she had to work hard to get noticed and that her needs were not very important in the grand scheme of things. Jas also had to compete with her two older sisters for her mother’s attention.

As well as being emotionally unavailable, Jas’s mother behaved ‘intrusively’ towards her children. She would tell them what to do, rather than helping them to learn, because it took less time. When Jas made mistakes, her mother would shout. Even Jas’s choice of clothes could be wrong, her mother told her what to wear instead of letting her work out her own taste. Jas found this very annoying and rebelled, as she grew older, wearing clothes she knew her mother hated. This led to many arguments.

Jas left college with A levels in English, History and Art. She considered going to Art College, but the thought of living away from home made her anxious. She set up a website to sell her paintings...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Table of Contents
• List of figures
• List of tables
• List of exercises
• Foreword
• Acknowledgements
• Part 1 Why don’t I feel good?
• Part 2 Taking action: mapping my inner life
• Part 3 Becoming aware of the hidden forces in my relationships
• Part 4 Feeling good: learning to take control of my life
• Part 5 Additional information
• Afterword on Eva, Dan, Jas and Zac
• Index