Overcoming Perfectionism

Finding the Key to Balance and Self-Acceptance

Ann W. Smith

• Publisher: Health Communications Inc EB
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9780757317200
• eBook ISBN: 9780757317217
• Topic: Personal Development
• Subtopic: Mental Health & Wellbeing

Anything worth doing is worth doing well. Practice makes perfect. Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing. Failure is not an option. In today's perfection-obsessed culture, these are the maxims we live by. Yet, the damage that they cause is stifling. Renowned author and pioneer of codependency treatment Ann W. Smith knows this first hand. Smith has dealt with her fair share of perfectionism and has bared witness to this all too common phenomenon in her professional life, having spent the last thirty years studying the impact compulsive disorders have on individuals and family. While perfectionism lacks much of the stigma attached to today's most common compulsions—smoking, gambling, sex addiction, alcoholism, and drug abuse—many of the negative connotations on self and the family system are the same.Psychological and physical implications include: Headaches
Isolation
Anxiety attacks
Fear of failure
Sleep disturbances
Digestive problems
Back pain
Overeating
Sexual dysfunction
Depression
Suicidal thoughts or tendencies
An inability to establish proper boundaries
Overly critical of others
The need to be in control
Excessive guilt and shameIn this revised and updated edition of the original, groundbreaking book Overcoming Perfectionism: The Key to a Balanced Recovery, Smith describes the key differences between overt and covert perfectionism; the role early attachment, temperament, sibling relationships, and life circumstances play in developing this pattern; and how to shift toward a center of balance for a more fulfilling life. Readers will learn how to identify and confront the root cause of their problem, how to reveal and accept their essence, and finally, they will learn the importance of forgiveness and letting go. Additionally, readers discover the key characteristics of a healthy family system, along with the single most important lesson of all— perfection does not exist.

Chapter 6

Learning to Live in the Middle

The decision to become more human—that is, less perfect—is not an easy one to make, despite the fact that we know we have been trying to accomplish the impossible. Before you make a commitment to this change, I’d like to suggest a brief exercise.

The Pitfalls and Benefits of Perfectionism

You are going to make two lists, as described below. My personal lists are provided as a guide. First do the following:

1. Write a list of all of the benefits your perfectionism provides.
2. Write a list of all of the pitfalls of your perfectionism: what you don’t like about it or what it takes from your life.
3. Rate each benefit according to its overall importance or value in your life on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = little value, 5 = very valuable).
4. Rate each pitfall according to how much it bothers you or detracts from your life (1 = doesn’t really bother me, 5 = bothers me a great deal).

When you are finished, count how many items are listed in each section. As you can see below, my list has seven benefits and eight pitfalls. Then total the points for benefits and the points for pitfalls. I have 20 points for benefits and 36 for pitfalls.

The Benefits of Being a Perfectionist

1. I get to feel superior at times . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
2. I accomplish a great deal in a little time . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
3. People look up to me for support and help . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
4. I have succeeded professionally using this method . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
5. My life is often orderly, structured, and sensible . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
6. I have a fleeting sense of control over my life . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
7. I get strokes for looking superhuman . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

Total: 20 points

The Pitfalls of Being a Perfectionist

1. I can be very isolated when I am being perfect . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
2. I don’t have enough quiet time because I’m always doing . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
3. I am in the role of leader more than I like . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
4. My parenting becomes rigid and critical when I try to be perfect . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
5. I suffer from the physical effects of the stress I impose on myself . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
6. If I look like I am superwoman, then that’s what others expect of me . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
7. I take on responsibility that isn’t mine, believing others can’t do it as well . . . . . . . . . . . . 4
8. It isn’t fun . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Total: 36 points

Deciding to Change

You may find that the number of benefits is greater than the number of pitfalls, but when you look at the total number of points, you may discover that the benefits actually have less value or significance in your life. Our reasons for hanging on to this compulsion don’t make much sense when we compare them to things we care about, like intimacy, peace of mind, joy, or good parenting. Ask yourself if it is worth it to keep trying to be perfect.

You make the decision to give up your perfectionism one day, even one moment, at a time. Imperfection is something you may not be able to adhere to consistently but can view as an overall goal. Since personal growth is not an intellectual process, the choice to let go of control is a very important first step. You will make it many times over in the days and years ahead.

Whenever I speak before an audience on the subject of perfectionism, people inevitably have questions about their spouses, children, and friends who have the characteristics I am discussing. They want very much for the other person to change, often out of love but also for selfish reasons. Living with a perfectionist or any compulsive person is not easy. Others generally see our problem long before we do.

Unfortunately, the frustration of others is rarely strong enough motivation for a perfectionist to begin the long, uncomfortable process of change. You will probably not be able to sustain the effort for someone else.

I do not believe that being a perfectionist automatically means that one needs counseling. If our lives have become unmanageable, as described in Chapter 4, and we want very much to have different lives, counseling may be helpful and can accelerate the process. If we are in denial about the severity and have not noticed the harm it is causing to those we love, we may need their help to lovingly point this out to us. When that happens, we may be able to feel a personal need to change and begin the process. The most striking motivations in my experience with clients are (1) the desire to be a better parent, and (2) the desire to save a relationship.

It may be hard to admit, but when we try to diagnose others (with the exception of those in severe physical or emotional crises), it is usually our own compulsive behavior that we are struggling with.

If you are on the fence about whether this issue is important for you, ask three people who care about you if they think your perfectionism is a problem. If they agree that it is, pay attention to this old saying, often used in twelve-step programs: “If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s a duck.” If everyone thinks you’re a duck, you probably are. Try surrendering, and take it one step at a time.

Changing from the Inside Out

Many perfectionists have spent their lives trying to look okay. This presents a problem when they finally decide to get help. Suzanne, a former client, described herself as a perfectionist and a compulsive caretaker. She was great at focusing on the needs of others and generally assumed the role of the strong one in her relationships. Although she had many friends, most of them were very dependent and rarely asked her how she was. They assumed that she couldn’t possibly have any problems, since she looked so well put together and never asked for anything.

Occasionally, when Suzanne had a bad day and needed some support, she would call a friend and ask, “How are you?” hoping in vain that during the course of the conversation the friend would notice the depressed tone in her voice. The conversation would inevitably turn into the friend giving Suzanne an update on her own issues, but since the friend never asked how Suzanne was, the conversation never got around to meeting her needs.

The next day, still feeling low, she would go to work, dressing as nicely as ever, and bury herself in her job. She might actually find work to be a good distraction and perform a little better than usual. At lunch a longtime coworker might ask, “Are you okay? You’re a little quiet today.” Suzanne would answer, “Oh, I’m fine, just a little overwhelmed with work.” The conversation quickly returned to the needs of her coworker.

Suzanne has been trying for years to get love and approval from others by being good and taking care of them. She has hoped that they would reciprocate out of gratitude. They believe that she is fine because that is how she looks and what she says. Ironically, the things she fears the most—abandonment and isolation from others—are exactly what her behavior is bringing about.

Many of the efforts people use to overcome shame, such as perfectionism and caretaking, create the impression that these people do not need anything. Their “goodness” puts them at a distance, since others feel inadequate in comparison.

I often visualize this as the perfectionist unconsciously standing on a pedestal or a chair above other people—not because they feel superior but because they needed to be able to be aware of and see everything around them. They also don’t want to be so close to others that they would be vulnerable. The chair puts the perfectionist at ease and in control. Those who are standing around the chair see the perfectionist as capable of anything, including solving their ­problems and carrying a larger share of responsibility.

I remember that when I made the choice to change and let go, it meant stepping down off the chair and exposing my true self. It felt like jumping into ice water, suddenly becoming real and vulnerable. It is scary to ask for help, to say no, and to let pe...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Endorsements
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Introduction
• Chapter_1
• Chapter_2
• Chapter_3
• Chapter_4
• Chapter_5
• Chapter_6
• Chapter_7
• Chapter_8
• Chapter_9
• Acknowledgments
• References
• Recommended_Reading
• About_the_Author