Stopping the Violence

A Group Model to Change Men's Abusive Attitudes and Behaviors

David J Decker

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2018
• eBook ISBN: 9781317791027
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Help men learn to change abusive behavior!

Stopping the Violence: A Group Model to Change Men's Abusive Attitudes and Behaviors helps practitioners reduce the negative atmosphere in a batterers' group for men while adapting to clients' individual needs, abilities, and levels of motivation. Useful in any type of patient setting, this comprehensive, hands-on guide provides a complete, step-by-step model for a batterer program that includes all of the forms, handouts, tools, and assignments necessary for the treatment process. Pro-feminist, cognitive, and behavioral in its orientation, this program works to eliminate the mindset that dominates, controls, and leads to the battering of women.

The focus throughout the treatment process described in Stopping the Violence is not only on ending physical violence, but addressing what causes it. The exercises and suggestions in this program will teach your clients how emotional abuse, verbal abuse, substance abuse problems, mental health issues, and entitled and controlling attitudes contribute to and lead to battering. You will also find methods to help clients learn to take responsibility for their actions and discover if their childhoods have had an impact on their assumption of patriarchal and controlling attitudes. In addition, Stopping the Violence offers exercises on building self-confidence, self-esteem, self-control, and emotional support for your clients.

This guide offers other valuable suggestions and exercises, such as:

• an explanation of 12 educational units to be presented by the therapist, including such topics as abuse and its effects, anger regulation, stress management, shame and empowerment, assertiveness, communication, and conflict resolution
• showing the client how to and why he should develop an increased realization of the impact of his abuse
• assisting the client in learning to monitor his internal and external escalation-to-violence cues
• creating a supportive group atmosphere that will decrease men's shame and isolation and increase their ability to feel empathy for themselves and others
• providing a reading list with additional resources that clients can use to enhance their treatment

Vital to any batterers' treatment that is starting or already exists, Stopping the Violence will help you teach your clients how they can find pride as nonabusive men in a society full of patriarchal values, as well as teach them to be in control of themselvesnot their partners or their children. This guide will help you identify and change your clients' abusive behaviors and successfully show them how abusive behavior is hurtful and destructive for everyone involved.

Chapter I:
Group Leadership

Working with Abusive Men

Abusive men can be difficult clients, They frequently tend to be demanding, self-absorbed, self-centered, blaming, defensive, argumentative, hostile, intimidating, and controlling, although they may, at times, appear to be compliant and passive. They are often experts at finding a therapist's vulnerabilities and insecurities and using them against the therapist. They are often unhappy about being in treatment and are generally externally motivated, whether they are court-ordered or not.

Abusive men do not usually come into therapy to address their abusive and controlling attitudes and behaviors. They often come to therapy for other reasons, such as depression or "communication problems." However, even if they identify their abuse as a problem, almost always some sort of coercion is at work. The most obvious form of coercion is involvement with the legal system and a court order to seek treatment. The less obvious form is pressure from a partner to change, generally because she is threatening to leave or get a divorce or has already left. Therapists need to invest an enormous amount of emotional and physical energy to engage batterers in addressing the real issues that need to be confronted.

Directly addressing batterers' psychological defenses is a critical part of working with them. Abusive men offer a variety of defenses to avoid taking responsibility for themselves, both in the intake process and throughout the group. The following are some of the most common defenses a therapist is likely to confront, with specific examples that indicate their presence.

Denying: Completely Refusing to Acknowledge That a Problem Exists or That He Is Responsible for the Problem

• I didn't do it.
• I never touched her.
• I don't remember the incidents./It was so long ago.
• I was out of control/I was just just seeing red./I didn't know what I was doing.
• I was drunk./I was high.
• I was in a blackout.
• I was in a "dry-drunk" blackout.
• I'm sober now so my anger isn't a problem for me anymore.
• I don't get angry anymore.
• Our real problem is that we just can't communicate.
• I don't have an anger and abuse problem.
• I'm not abusive.
• I'm not controlling.

Blaming: An Attitude of Focusing on His Partner, Her Behavior, and Her "Problems" or on Any Other External Circumstances

• She knows how to push my buttons.
• She provoked me.
• She started it.
• She's always "ragging" on me.
• She's the one who should be in an abuse group. (i.e., "She's a lot more violent than I am.)
• She hit me first.
• She's a drunk.
• I wouldn't have slapped her if she hadn't flipped me off.
• She acts crazy/out of control.
• She's always flirting with other guys.
• It was just a bad time in our marriage.
• My father had just died.
• I was putting in too many hours at work when it happened.
• I was drinking too much at the time.

Minimizing: Making the Problem Less Than It Really Is

• I only hit her once.
• I didn't really hurt her./She bruises easily.
• It's not that big a deal.
• I'm not nearly as bad as my dad was.
• This is nothing compared to what my friends do to their wives.
• I didn't hit her very hard.
• She's a big/strong woman, (i.e., "She can take it.")
• I "kind of" pushed her.
• I just gave her a "little" shove.
• She "fell down" after I pushed her.
• She exaggerates.
• The police just overreacted.
• It didn't really happen that way.

Fighting for Control: Bullying, Intimidating, or Attempting to Divert the Therapist from Addressing the Domestic Abuse Issues

• What would you have done in my situation?
• You would have reacted the same way I did.
• Are you married?
• Do you have kids?
• You probably go home and get abusive with your wife.
• I'd only be willing to attend twelve weeks of group.
• I have to be out of town for business once a month. Is that OK?
• What I do isn't really abuse (i.e., shouldn't be defined as abuse by the therapist).
• I'm not willing to go into a group.
• I'm not willing to tell anyone else about my problems.
• I'm not willing to listen to other peoples' problems.
• I want couple therapy. That's what we really need.
• Interrupting, talking over you, being unwilling to listen.
• Arguing, becoming defensive.
• Trying to "stare you down."

For men court-ordered to treatment, close contact with their probation officer is a must. Probation officers can provide arrest reports, information from Orders for Protection and from the presentence investigations (if any were done), and specific details about the court order to treatment. All of this can add important data that may directly contradict the man's denial and minimization concerning his domestic abuse and chemical use issues. If a client continues to deny a problem, several strategies can be helpful. At times, the probation officer has actually attended an intake session to confront the client. At other times, the man has been sent back to court to argue that he is not angry and abusive and should not have to attend domestic abuse treatment.

Contacting a man's partner can also be useful in addressing his defensiveness. His partner is called during the intake to get her perspective about the history of abuse, control, and chemical use in the relationship. This information can be used to confront denial and minimization directly in the intake, as well as throughout the group, if she feels safe enough to be that involved with the program. In any case, her input is helpful, even if it cannot be used, because it offers a clear picture of whether the man is being honest and actually putting into practice the tools he is being taught.

Court-ordered or not, it is important to appeal to a man's selt-interest. Because of an abusive man's self-centeredness and self-absorption, this is a more pragmatic strategy initially than trying to get him to empathize with his victims. However, eventually, he needs to experience a sense of compassion for himself and others if he is to effectively intervene in all of his controlling and abusive behaviors (Stosny, 1995). Research has demonstrated that hostility, cynicism, and aggressive behavior have damaging physical consequences (Williams and Williams, 1993). This initial strategy involves assisting him in focusing on himself and the parts of his behavior that he sees as self-destructive and counterproductive to his life goals and priorities.

An important part of this process is helping the man to begin clearly identifying the past, present, and possible future consequences if he continues to be abusive, including legal, relationship, financial, and family-related consequences. Most men do not want to spend time in jail, lose their partner, or end up with less time with their children. Most men do not want to see their children continue the legacy of abuse and shame in their own adult lives. Appealing to self-interest helps point out how his abusiveness affects him personally and how it interferes with obtaining what he says he wants. It is also helpful to talk about how his abusive and controlling attitudes may have affected past relationships and how they will continue to affect future relationships if he is unwilling to change them.

Group Leadership: Education, Training, and Experience

The therapists plays two major roles in the group. The first is as a facilitator of each man's individual progress in the group, as members write out and present the tasks that are outlined in Chapter III. This means asking relevant questions to expand on client statements, empathizing with a man's emotional pain when appropriate, and confronting subtle and overt attitudes and behaviors that underlie his abuse and control. The second role is as a teacher, in presenting the educational materials that are discussed in Chapter IV. Therapists need to be familiar with the various topics and able to present them clearly during the allotted education time in each group.

A strong academic background and other experiences can be helpful in effectively implementing this model, although no absolute prerequisites exist for becoming a group leader. A variety of work, volunteer, and life experiences can be a part of becoming an effective facilitator of this program. Still, several forms of learning and experience can be useful.

A master's or doctorate in psychology, social work, counseling, or other related field and a license to practice in the specific field of training can aid the group leader in developing competency in:

• mental health assessment and diagnosis,
• the individual and group therapy process,
• the development of a personal model of how human beings change and grow, and
• the base of knowledge that forms the core of the educational topics section of this program.

Most therapists who have worked with this model have had a master's or a doctorate degree, and this level of academic preparation to help develop clinical skills is recommended due to the therapeutic approach of this model. In addition, skill building for clients is an important part of the change process, and this academic background can also be helpful in presenting the educational topics in this program. However, academic training and licensure are not, in and of themselves, enough. If therapists do not have a clear understanding of domestic abuse and possess the personal characteristics noted in the following section, they are unlikely to be effective with this population.

Knowledge of issues surrounding domestic abuse is critical. This experience should involve workshops, training, and readings in the area of domestic abuse and ideally should include actual domestic abuse group facilitation. An important part of working with this program, or with any domestic abuse program, is developing and being able to clearly articulate a personal philosophy regarding domestic abuse and its treatment.

Experience with court-ordered clients is useful because many domestic abuse clients will be mandated to treatment by the legal system. It is also helpful to have worked with clients who have personality disorders because many domestic abuse clients exhibit, in varying degrees, personality disorder traits.

Finally, even if the therapist has little direct experience with domestic abuse, he or she can gain the necessary competency by working closely with a therapist who has experience with domestic abuse and who has group leadership expertise. Many therapists who have worked with this model have gained their domestic abuse experience in this manner.

Group Leadership: Important Characteristics

In addition to education, training, and experience, some specific personal characteristics are part of being an effective group leader. The following material covers the most important ones.

Having a Clear Personal Philosophy About Domestic Abuse

Therapists need to develop and be clear about their own personal philosophy regarding anger, control, and domestic abuse. This cannot be overemphasized. Abusive men, their partners, or others in the community will challenge the therapists' beliefs on occasion. It is important to be able to respond in a coherent and articulate fashion and offer a meaningful rationale for the treatment model. Some of these challenges might include the following:

• Why does a domestic abuse program have to be so long?
• Why not just hold a short-term anger management class to address these issues?
• Why is couples therapy not always an alternative when battering is present?
• Isn't anger okay to express?
• What is the difference between anger and abuse?
• Is it okay for women to be emotionally and verbally abusive with their partners?
• Is it okay for women to be violent with their partners?
• Aren't women just as controlling, abusive, and violent as men are?
• Is controlling behavior ever okay in any life situations?
• Is abusive and violent behavior ever okay in any life situations?
• What is the difference between male and female violence?
• Why is this program philosophy so focused on men and their behavior?

Therapists must also be aware of covert manipulative and controlling behavior and its impact in a battering situation. Battering is more than physical violence. Many men are able to stop the violence due to their fear of possible consequences. Subtle manipulative and controlling behaviors in the group need to be identified and confronted directly as well. It is also important for therapists to live what is taught to clients in these areas. To have a coherent domestic abuse philosophy, therapists must be able to think clearly about and understand all forms of control, abuse, and violence in their clients' and their own lives.

Acknowledging That Domestic Abuse Is a Community and Societal Issue

Therapists need to acknowledge that domestic abuse is part of a broader societal issue. One aspect of this is a willingness to actively work together and with other parts of the community to effectively address this issue. Domestic abuse is not just an individual's or a couple's problem; it is also a community and societal issue. Violence is illegal, and this often means that others are involved in identifying the issue and helping to provide remedies. Therapists must be willing to work closely with shelters, legal advocates, survivors' groups, judges, probation officers, places of worship, medical facilities, attorneys, and other social service, chemical dependency, and mental health agencies. Such cooperative efforts often take additional therapist time and energy for the battering to be adequately addressed.

Believing in the Power of the Group Process

The group milieu offers a unique and powerful opportunity for growth and change. Although group does have the potential to create a negative and destructive atmosphere that encourages entitlement beliefs and controlling attitudes and behaviors, it can also offer a rare chance for men to connect with and learn from one another, perhaps for the first time in their lives.

An ongoing group, especially, offers a sense of hope as new members realize the benefits of applying what is taught in the program through other men's willingness to take risks and try new behaviors. Group therapy helps many batterers deal with the shame they experience by allowing them to observe other men directly talking about and addressing control, abuse, and violence. Addressing these issues with others in group keeps them from feeling isolated and alone. The process of reaching out to others in group who offer feedback and emotional support gives men the opportunity to feel needed and valued, to experience empathy for others, and to raise their self-esteem. Ideally, the group becomes a safe place to practice assertiveness, communication, and conflict resolution skills that can then be transferred to their relationships with partners and others.

To be effective in this or any other group model, therapists mast believe in the value of the group process and see it as different from individual, or even couples, therapy. Therapists must have an appreciation for, and trust in, the group's power to change batterers' attitudes and behaviors.

Being Open, Honest, Genuine, Courageous, and Present

To be effective, therapists must be open and honest about themselves and open to the men with whom they are working. This does not mean revealing all the personal details of their lives, but it does mean sharing enough to give group members a sense of who they are as human beings. Therapists' honest reactions and feedback can express caring and, at the same time, confront the destructive attitudes and behaviors that have brought men into group. This genuineness is a powerful tool in connecting with men and helping them change.

Courage is also required because many people whom a batterer encounters are intimidated by, and unwilling to directly confront, the attitudes and behaviors that are creating so many problems in the batterer's...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Acknowledgments
• INTRODUCTION
• CHAPTER I: GROUP LEADERSHIP
• CHAPTER II: THE INTAKE PROCEDURE
• CHAPTER III: THE INDIVIDUAL MEMBER TASKS
• CHAPTER IV: THE EDUCATIONAL UNITS
• References
• Index