How to Talk to a Narcissist

Joan Jutta Lachkar

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2019
• ISBN:
  9781351209250
• Edition: 2
• Topic: Psychologie
• Subtopic: Histoire et théorie en psychologie

Bringing to light new developments in the treatment of marital conflict, this second edition of How to Talk to a Narcissist addresses the ever-changing faces and phases of narcissism within the context of marital therapy. This is a practical guide that focuses on specific communication styles in addressing patients with severe narcissistic personality pathology, as well as those with borderline personality disorder.

The book starts with an overview of the different kinds of narcissists and borderlines. Dr. Lachkar analyzes these high-conflict personality disorders from a clinical, psychodynamic, and psychoanalytic perspective and delves into the various defenses that a narcissist or borderline might use. Updated treatment approaches and techniques are included along with an examination of the historical and theoretical perspectives that ground these approaches. Also included are detailed case illustrations.

This book is useful for both beginning and seasoned practitioners and is recommended for all clinicians treating individuals, couples, and groups within the scope of various narcissistic personality disorders.

1 His/Her Majesty the Narcissist

The narcissist is the entitlement lover, the “special child of God.” Narcissists have excessive entitlement fantasies, feel they are superior to others, lack empathy, and have total disregard for the needs of others. You know when you are around narcissists because all they talk about is themselves. They value such things as success, fame, physical beauty, wealth, material possessions, and power and cannot tolerate their own dependency needs.

An Overview of the Narcissist

The narcissist is self-absorbed, overly preoccupied with self, and has a strong desire for fame, achievement, power—but not to the extent of overpowering the relationship—yet still has the capacity to maintain a loving and intimate bond. Narcissists often form relationships while they fulfill their momentary needs. A good example of this is the married man and the single woman. Narcissists also have excessive entitlement fantasies and an inflated sense of self. They display a pervasive pattern of self-importance and often have an exaggerated illusion of their accomplishments and talents. They are dominated by such primitive defenses as idealization, omnipotent denial, omnipotent ideals, grandiosity, devaluation, isolation, projection, projective identification, and splitting. They are often competitive and envious, will go to any extreme to win, and will do anything to prove their specialness. When confronted, challenged, or not properly admired or appreciated, they will go into a narcissistic rage or withdraw into a narcissistic retreat.

Narcissists are often frustrated in love relations as they search for the ideal mate—who does not exist for them in reality. Their most pervasive trait is a lack of empathy and insensitivity to the needs and feelings of their objects (Lachkar, 1992, 1998b, 2004, 2008a, 2008b). They fuse with their objects exactly as they view the world—as an extension or appendage of themselves—and are unable to share anyone else’s good fortune.

In conjoint therapy, these dynamics and defenses become more explicit as we see movements flowing back and forth between guilt and shame, envy and jealousy, perfectionism and chaos, domination/control and submission, dependency and omnipotent control, and attachment and detachment. In many of my earlier contributions, I refer to these dynamics as “the dance,” which explains why couples stay in painful conflictual relations, engaging in interactions that go on and on, round and round, without ever reaching any conflict resolution (Lachkar, 1992, 1998b, 2004, 2008a, 2008b, 2014a).

Communicating with a narcissist requires special tender care. In general, the narcissist responds best to empathy and to self-object functions (i.e., appreciation, attunement, mirroring). The narcissistic defenses of isolation and withdrawal are typical responses when they feel personally injured, particularly when depleted of the narcissistic supplies that fuel them. When their personal sense of pride has been threatened, they will fly into a narcissistic rage or withdraw and isolate themselves. Basically, narcissists do not respond well to confrontation. What should therapists do when they need to confront the narcissist? The first step is to prepare for the onslaught. Narcissistic clients need to be amply mirrored, praised, and acknowledged before they are given even the smallest piece of constructive criticism. For example, tell a narcissist “You look great! So wonderful the way you take care of your body and always watch what you eat,” as opposed to “Gee, I think you gained weight. Are you on a diet again?”

Laurie, who came into treatment after reconnecting with her ex-fiancé, told how their conflict scenario repeated over and over again.

If I tell him I love him, that I want to make our relationship better and to make a commitment, then he starts to attack me. He tells me I suffocate him, make too many demands, and my pressuring him turns him off. When I get close to him, he acts as though he doesn’t need me. If I stay away, he becomes very loving and affectionate. No matter what I do it’s a no-win situation. I hate these confusing messages; he always makes me feel as though I’m walking on eggs!

Laurie’s fiancé disrupted communication by projecting his needy and vulnerable self into her, coercing her to enact the role of a suffocating, needy, demanding object while he was free to watch the L.A. Lakers or go out on his sailboat. The bitter paradox was that as much as Laurie protested, she participated in the abuse by not setting boundaries or limits. She virtually became his appendage as she bonded with the pain that she vehemently disavowed.

An important step was to help Laurie get in contact with her internal “depriving” object to show her how she deprived herself. Before this could occur, I first had to sort out what kind of internal object she identified with. This can be quite tricky because often patients misinterpret and feel they are to blame: “Are you telling me he is not depriving me, and it is my fault because I deprive myself?” I had to help prepare Laurie—to find a meaningful and sensitive way to communicate with her—to let her know that she was in no way deserving of the abuse and that in no way did her behavior justify the mistreatment.

He never pays when we go out. He deprives me of everything. He never offers to help around the house. When he goes to the market, he only buys things for himself. When we go to dinner I have to pay, although sometimes he leaves the tip.

When confronted about why she stayed and was encouraged to join a support group or to gather a group of friends to bolster her in the event of a breakup, she claimed, “Oh, I could never go out and make new friends, join a support group, or book club. My boyfriend would have a fit!” To this I replied, “Yes, there can be a boyfriend who deprives you of your needs, but do you also deprive you?” This becomes a dance of two people in complicity, or a folie à deux. Only the sensitivity of the therapist at this juncture can gently show Laurie that there is a part of her that identifies with her partner’s negative behavior, which makes it harder to set some limits with him.

In my assessment, I chose the depriving object as a major theme. Otto Kernberg (1995) noted that in normal love relations, expressing one’s intimate feelings engenders compassion and empathy as opposed to pathological relationships, whereby expressing one’s feelings engenders primitive and persecutory anxiety (see Kernberg’s four different kinds of love relationships, Chapter 7). Narcissists cannot tolerate the kind of dependency needs an intimate relationship requires and unwittingly project this intolerance onto the other, typically a borderline partner, who makes a perfect target for the narcissist’s negative projections. (See the case of Mr. and Mrs. Z in Chapter 4.)

On the surface, narcissists appear to have higher than average self-esteem, but, paradoxically, they are never really narcissistic enough to achieve real goals, aims, and ambitions. They are quite fragile and vulnerable to the responses and reactions of others. Because narcissists care more about being admired than being loved (Kernberg, 1995), they create an inner dialogue to maintain consistency with their grandiose or omnipotent self. It is almost like a Shakespearean monologue or soliloquy: Hamlet on a stage talking to a cast of inner characters orchestrated to meet and match his own self-object needs. In custody battles, the narcissist expects to have all the visitation rights, the house, all the money and all the furniture. Why? “Because I’m entitled.”

Before describing different kinds of narcissists, let me begin by mentioning the borderline, who is a frequent partner of the narcissist. It’s almost impossible to discuss different kinds of narcissists without mentioning their relation to borderlines—or, for that matter, different kinds of borderlines without mentioning narcissists. The narcissistic/borderline couple is indeed a force to be reckoned with and is a foundational concept of this work that this book is based on.

Different Kinds of Narcissists

There are many different kinds of narcissists. The following descriptive titles are in no way intended to be pejorative. They are merely intended to offer some guidelines and treatment suggestions for the therapists who treat these patients and the partners who live with them. For example, the list includes the insatiable pathological narcissist, the sadistic and cruel malignant narcissist, the antisocial narcissist with no conscience, and others—including the narcissist the artist.

• Pathological Narcissist (self-love overly aggrandized)
• Malignant Narcissist (will act cruel to gain power/superiority over an object)
• Obsessive–Compulsive Narcissist
• Depressive Narcissist (self-hatred turned inward)
• Antisocial Narcissist (no conscience, excessive entitlement to take things)
• Disappearing Male
• Narcissist the Artist (my art comes first)

The Pathological Narcissist

The pathological narcissist is obsessed with and has a highly exaggerated sense of self, feel they are superior to others and has a delusional sense of entitlement. They are overly preoccupied with self and exhibit primitive defense mechanisms such as guilt, shame, envy, control, domination, splitting and projective identification. Their constant need for approval, idealization, and grandiosity overpowers the capacity to maintain a loving relationship that an intimate love bond requires. Pathological narcissists are extreme in their narcissistic defenses and behavior. They are totally self-absorbed, lack empathy, and display indifference or apathy to the emotional needs of others. It’s evident you are around one because all they talk about is themselves. The pathological narcissist suffers from paranoid anxiety—including many unresolved oedipal issues. Their major defense is to protect themselves from being vulnerable:

“I’m quitting this treatment, haven’t learned a thing and can get more out of reading a book.” To this the therapist might reply, “I understand your frustration because you are so very bright and educated it has been difficult for me to help you because whenever I do, you say already been there, done it, then you can’t allow yourself to take in from me what I can offer.”

In addition to showing little or no regard for the feelings or sentiments of others, narcissistic personalities are referred to by some as “users”: “She only calls when she needs something; otherwise I never hear from her.” “When I am in a room with her, she hardly knows I exist!”

A patient who was at a cocktail party with a narcissist had a dream that night that she was a perfume bottle and that after speaking with the narcissist she evaporated into the bottle and disappeared.

Pathological narcissists share a common narcissistic desire to attain power, fame, wealth, and beauty and are in need of constant praise and admiration from others. The desire to maintain a healthy relationship becomes overshadowed by these defenses. In other words, love and intimacy are replaced by primitive defenses such as the need to dominate, to control, to compete, as well as what I refer to as “tit for tat!” These oedipal rivalries come out in every way in couple therapy. “Well, I did this for you; why don’t you do this for me?” Pathological narcissists see the object merely as an appendage of themselves. In essence the narcissist’s greatest fear is of “the womb of intimacy.”

Case of Mirabel and Jake

Mirabel and Jake had experienced an on-and-off relationship for the previous five years when they first began therapy. Mirabel was 35 years old, had never been married, and was a teacher; Jake was a 42-year-old lawyer. They entered treatment with much frustration after being referred to numerous previous therapists and counselors. Mirabel realized her biological clock was running out, and Jake seemed to take the position that her biological clock had very little importance. What is more important is that Mirabel was a shopaholic, was obsessed with beauty and appearance, and had little regard for Jake’s time or space. She could think about one thing and one thing only: marriage.

Therapist (Th): Greetings. Nice to meet you both. Who would like to start?

Mirabel (M): I’d like to start. I am so frustrated, feel depressed, cry all the time and don’t feel that Jake pays attention to any of my needs.

Jake: How can I when all she does is cry and make demands?

Th: Demands?

M: I’m 35 years old. Jake promised that eventually we would live together and get married. I want so much to have a baby and am scared I won’t be able to if we wait too long.

Th: Jake, what are you waiting for?

J: (angrily) Waiting for her to stop spending so much money on her looks, Botox, hair extensions, breast implants, clothes, nails, and stuff.

Th: Jake, where do you live?

J: Live? I live in Bel Air Estates, and Mirabel lives in a not-so-posh area. She lives in the city of Torrance.

Th: That’s a pretty upscale community. Do you see Mirabel any differently than the people in your community?

J: No, she’s not as bad as some of my neighbors who live at the Spa and Barney’s, but I hate materialistic women.

Th: So why do you live in a materialistic area, and why are you with Mirabel?

J: Because I love the peace and quiet. My home in Bel Air is large and gives me room for my art collection. And I’m with Mirabel because I love her. But she will have to change her ways before I even consider marriage.

M: See how he puts me down and keeps me on hold. It’s okay for him to spend thousands of dollars on art, but he complains bitterly when I shop or spend money on my things.

J:My money is spent on art objects, hers on Prada purses, Chanel suits, and stuff.

M: He loves his vases and art objects more than he loves me. He collects Fabergé eggs, among other porcelain eggs. They cost a fortune. I don’t know why he needs so many eggs. Does he expect they will reproduce themselves?

Th: Mirabel. I see you have a sense of humor and are very clever and clear about what you need and what the issues are.

J: Okay, what are the issues?

Th: (decides to go into empathology communication mode) Jak...