Confrontational Parent, The

Practical Guide for School Leaders

Charles M. Jaksec

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9781930556515
• eBook ISBN: 9781317919421
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Education
• Subtopic: Education General

This research-based book offers tips and techniques to help school leaders interact successfully with confrontational or aggressive parents.

1

The Confrontational Parent

Friday’s school day is about to conclude and a well-deserved weekend slowly, but gratefully approaches. Unexpectedly, the school secretary calls your office and informs you that an irate parent is demanding to see you immediately. After making your way to the front office, it is all too apparent that your secretary’s perception of the parent is accurate. You proceed to invite the parent to your office and discuss the matter, but as you attempt to present yourself as a concerned administrator, the parent could in fact, care less. Try as you may to remain composed, the parent makes a somewhat insulting statement regarding your capabilities as an administrator. The parent vows to go to the school board, but only after she secures the services of an attorney. Your composure is shaken and bingo, your weekend has been officially flushed down the toilet!

When I conduct presentations on parental aggression around the nation and provide this scenario, I am consistently amazed by the nods of confirmation I receive from school administrators. I am now convinced that this same irate parent has visited 90 percent of the schools in the United States on Fridays between 2:00 p.m. and 4:00 p.m.

The problem with the aforementioned scenario is that your difficulties don’t end as the parent leaves the campus. On the drive home you ask yourself, “Is she really hiring an attorney? What am I going to do if I’m fired? How long do I have until I can retire? Does this ever happen to my colleagues?” Incredibly and amusingly, these questions were not even considered five minutes before the confrontation with the parent. More frustrating, is the fact that you did nothing to warrant this kind of aggravation in the first place! Now however, these questions are at the forefront of your thoughts, and the knot in your stomach tells you that the majority of the weekend will be spent worrying about the parent’s threats.

The Inevitable Battle

A major challenge for school administrators is to remain consummate professionals, who refuse to resort to intimidation or anger when dealing with parents who know how to “push buttons.” An onerous task to say the least, since school administrators are normal people who naturally want to react in the exact manner directed at them.

While parental confrontations are inevitable, the school administrator’s responsibility remains to carry on unscathed after these confrontations. It is reasoned that administrators are held to a “higher standard” of conduct; however the task of consistently remaining above the fracas can be extremely frustrating. Unfortunately, while many school board policies indicate that administrators need not tolerate emotional and physical intimidation by another adult, incidences of aggression continue. Consequently, school administrators find themselves questioning their own ability or willingness to interact with volatile parents. School administrators often raise questions such as: Am I alone in my encounters with aggressive parents? Do my colleagues also encounter these types of parental aggression? How often does parental aggression occur? What types of aggression are being identified in other schools? These questions will be answered in the following chapters, but before we address these questions, the concept of conflict should be briefly discussed.

What Causes Conflict?

Millions of our nation’s children are assimilated into schools from a wide variety of cultures and experiences. As a result, school administrators must be sensitive to the fact that any number of variables can shape the behavior and performance of each student. This remains evident in the familiar phrase “no two children are alike.” Conversely, it can be reasoned that “no two parents are alike,” since like their children, parents are the product of the same types of diversity, with numerous variables influencing their behaviors and actions. It should come as no surprise then, that parents may view administrative decisions much differently than school administrators. The result of these divergent views is the creation of conflict.

The word “conflict” conveys a negative connotation, but conflict does not necessarily result in hostility. The parental disagreement or opposition does not actually create anger and hostility, rather, the manner in which the disagreement is handled results in hostility (Robbins, 1974).

Faced with the task of addressing a scholastic issue that may involve their child (or themselves), parents must interact and relate to school administrators who are capable of remediating the situation. The parent, in a sense, is dependent on the cooperation of the school administrator. The realization of this dependency often results in parental anger or frustration, which creates conflict that can deplete the school administrator’s time, emotions, and resources (Margolis, 1988).

Conflicts and its Benefits

Interestingly, conflict can result in numerous advantages for the parties involved and need not result in damaged parent/administrator relationships. Rather, conflict can result in several advantages including: the creation of synergetic solutions to unfavorable situations, improved interpersonal relationships, and investment in the real problem and its solution. Additionally, increased feelings of satisfaction and competency may also emerge. It is important to note that evading conflict may conceivably result in the problem lying dormant, with negative feeling emerging at inopportune times. Unfortunately, the opportunity to generate solutions is disregarded when conflict is avoided (Margolis, 1988). Margolis explains that conflict and anger may act as barometers of sorts, functioning as clear warnings that something is viewed as unsatisfactory. As a result, conflict and anger provide opportunities to remediate unsatisfactory or volatile situations.

The school administrator remains at the forefront of parental conflicts within the school. With this unenviable position, we tend to conjure thoughts of ugly verbal engagements with irate, irrational, and over-demanding parents who are impossible to appease. This is not necessarily accurate. According to Margolis (1988),

It might be said that the quintessential test of an administrator’s virtuosity is how well he or she manages conflict. School administrators face their most bracing tests and greatest opportunities in times of conflict. The challenge is not to suppress conflict, but to minimize its destructiveness and transform associated anger into positive force. (p. 3)

Subsequently, the campus contains no other individual in a more advantageous position to affect change through conflict. The school administrator—in a positive sense—can manipulate the conflict to the degree where anger is decreased and efforts can focus on the problem that originated the conflict.

The Same Old Comment

When discussing the topic of parental aggression, the most frequent comment I hear from school administrators is, “I can accept poor behavior from kids since they are only kids, but to accept childlike, aggressive behavior from an adult is another story.” I tend to agree with this statement. It’s not unreasonable for school administrators to expect adults to act maturely, and be capable of engaging in discussion of any issue that may arise, regardless of the intensity of the issue. Fortunately, the majority of parents maintain healthy relationships with their children’s schools. In addition, if most school administrators were asked if their parents were non-problematic or problematic, the great majority would respond that parents are wonderful and supportive. It is important to realize that parents, like school administrators, often have the right to become frustrated or angry, but only if this anger is expressed in a constructive manner. On most occasions, aggressive parents’ main objection is the way their child has been mistreated or wronged. Whether it is a complaint about their child’s teacher or classmates, their child is their main concern. Unfairly but realistically, parents view school administrators as symbols of injustice done to their child. These “injustices” are usually parental misperceptions that administrators attempt to correct. Yes, parents are often held to a higher standard than their children, but every administrator can relate to a situation where the child actually acted in a more mature way and more appropriately than their parents. Unfortunately, some parents do not conduct themselves civilly, and school administrators remain at the forefront of these turbulent situations. Although in the minority and not encountered regularly, confrontational or aggressive parents require special attention from school administrators in the form of patience, perseverance, and skill.

The Need for Parental Support

Most administrators strongly desire parent involvement. Encouragingly, due in part to the Goals 2000: Educate America Act, an increase in parental support and interest has been identified (Patrikakou and Weissberg, 1999). Many states are also mandating various types of parental involvement in their schools (Black, 1998).

Parents are invaluable in the sense that they have a significant influence on their child’s school success and academic performance. Parental involvement increases student academic achievement, improves motivation and behavior, and has positive effects on absenteeism and drop-out rates, and homework performance (Hester, 1989).

While it is evident that parental–school involvement benefits students, many obstacles interfere with these school–family partnerships. One obstacle may include the parent’s own misperceptions about school. For example, the parent may have experienced his or her own childhood school difficulties in the areas of academic or behavioral performance.

Surprisingly, parents may not be comfortable with the extent of their school involvement. Public Agenda, a New York-based opinion research company recently conducted a survey revealing that while eager to volunteer time as chaperones or assistance for after-school activities, they expressed little interest in the governing of schools (Bradley, 1999). Only 25 percent of parents indicated that they would be “very comfortable” assisting in the planning of school curriculum.

Black (1998) explained that parental involvement can result in interference, and suggests that schools need to construct “bridges and buffers” for parental involvement. Bridges allow the parent to assist their child to succeed in school, and buffers allow school personnel to perform their jobs and exert their professional expertise. Black (1998) also calls for a “mutual trust” between the schools and parents. This trust would allow both factions to work together not against one another.

One thing is certain, school administrators realize that schools cannot and were never intended to function independently. Along with the realization of increased parental involvement is the inevitability of parental conflict. School administrators attempt to overcome these inevitable misunderstandings through a variety of approaches and philosophies inherent in his or her training and interpersonal skills.

The Difficult Person

Muriel Solomon (1990) identifies several emotional types of “difficult people.” Descriptions include: “hostile/angry, difficult/underhanded, rude/abrasive, pushy/presumptuous, and complaining/critical. Realistically, at one time or another, every administrator interacts with one of these behavioral types. According to Rucci (1991),

Unfortunately, people in a service-connected, public position, can not always afford to “turn-off” the person with whom they are interacting at a particular time, especially if it is with a parent or community member. For educators, there must be a calm and appropriate way to deal with those listed above or the results could be devastating to a large number of people....especially children and teachers. (p. 8)

As we will see in the following chapter, parents are becoming more vocal about their involvement in the educational process. School administrators, as a result, can no longer consider parents as outsiders, nor can administrators afford to ignore parental threats. Many public schools are currently structured to minimize public involvement, and an official voice from parents is inauspiciously absent. Unfortunately, parents are frequently excluded from decision making and their participation is limited. Conversely, parents can be vocal and demanding in their dealings with school personnel. Administrators are increasingly questioned as to their decisions. Parents view themselves as purchasers of public education; with the right to demand services from the school (Fege, 2000).

According to Fege (2000),

Although schools have resisted change, the family has restructured. The result: 21st century families attempting to partner with 20th century organizations. The institutions of families and schools are crashing into each other, which leads to conflict and instability in school systems. (p. 40)

As schools become more readily accessible to parents and invite community partnerships, the need for “people conscious” school administrators increases. While the presence of conflict is inevitable, administrators who possess the skills necessary to interact with confrontational or aggressive parents allow the opportunity to maintain the critical parent/school relationship. A healthy school/parent relationship ultimately benefits the student, parent, and school community itself.

Discussion

1. Throughout your career as a school administrator, has conflict “changed” you? Are you more aggressive in your interactions with others, including aggressive parents or have you indeed come to view conflict as a way to recognize that something is unsatisfactory?

 

 

 

2. Think of your most volatile encounter with a parent. How did the situation resolve itself? Was the situation resolved at all?

 

 

 

3. Do you know a colleague who seems to thrive in conflict situations. What does this colleague do to make themselves especially suited for these situations?

2

Notions Related To Confrontational And Aggressive Parents

What makes an aggressive or con...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Title page
• Copyright page
• Dedication page
• Contents
• Acknowledgments
• About the Author
• Introduction
• 1 The Confrontational Parent
• 2 Notions Related To Confrontational And Aggressive Parents
• 3 Why Do Parents Become Confrontational?
• 4 Three Issues Affecting Interactions with Confrontational Parents
• 5 Engaging The Confrontational Parent: The RAID Approach
• 6 Applying The RAID Approach
• 7 Conducting and Terminating Meetings with Confrontational Parents
• 8 The Effects of Parental Aggression and Debriefing
• 9 Three Levels From Which To Address Parental Aggression
• 10 The Results of My Studies
• 11 Support and Civility for the Bad Guys
• 12 A “Disclaimer” About Parents
• Appendix
• References