Finding a Lover for Life

A Gay Man's Guide to Finding a Lasting Relationship

David Price

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2013
• Print ISBN: 9781560233565
• eBook ISBN: 9781317766186
• Topic: Social Sciences
• Subtopic: LGBT Studies
• Index: Social Sciences

Develop healthy, lasting relationships!Here is a terrific dating guide for single gay and bisexual men. This insightful book provides a proven strategy for creating a satisfying dating life and finding a partner who is right for you! It integrates theory and practice to help you create and develop healthy relationships, guiding you through the process of dating and relationship formation. Finding a Lover for Life comes complete with thought-provoking worksheets that challenge myths, false beliefs, and incorrect assumptions about gay/bi men, dating, and relationships.Finding a Lover for Life will save you a great deal of time and frustration in developing dating skills. Its rational, skills-based strategic approach to dating will help you plan, organize, and focus your efforts in that part of your life. Finding a Lover for Life is the tool you need to plan and implement strategies that will:

• attract available dating partners
• eliminate problems by identifying compatible and noncompatible partners
• create a healthy relationship

It also takes you through an individual preparation routine for dating that will help you to:

• challenge societal views of romance
• uncover self-defeating beliefs
• resolve past conflicts
• create affirming and self-enabling beliefs

This book will help you learn to date in a healthy and efficient way. But more than that, Finding a Lover for Life will help you develop a more positive self-concept, create a healthy community of friends, and help you move your life in a new, more constructive direction.

PART I: PREPARATION STAGE—PREPARING YOURSELF FOR A LASTING RELATIONSHIP

Chapter 1

Stop Running from Commitment

Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it.

M. Scott Peck

Being gay and single is difficult. So little support exists for single people in general and even less support is evident for gay and bisexual men. Single people are often portrayed as failures or as inadequate: “If you were successful in finding a partner, you would not be single.” The very word “single” conjures up images of desperation and loneliness. You may have shared the difficulties you are having with your married friends who placated you or told you that they only found their mate when they became perfectly content with being single. You may have attempted to find a lasting relationship and ended up believing you could only get sex. You may have decided that a celibate life is your only option and retreated into your solitary abode with a pint of ice cream to keep you company. Or you may have decided to pursue some misguided spiritual relationship as a means to fulfill all your longings rather than continue to look for a human relationship. (Not that there’s anything wrong with spiritual relationships; they just can’t touch you physically.) The truth is, you want a man!

However, you don’t want just any man. You want a man who is capable of entering a healthy and lasting relationship. If you are like most single men, you have had your share of men who only wanted to have sex, men who were emotionally unavailable, men who were mentally inept, or men who were dependent and latched on to anyone who showed them attention. These experiences may have served to disillusion you and you may have come to believe that there are no healthy men available. You may have even “fallen in love” and risked yourself emotionally only to find that you had made an unhealthy decision or that you were unable to commit yourself. Whatever the reason, most single people have had numerous bad experiences and have had periods of wanting to give up. Fortunately, you have realized that you need more information and you have decided to read this book.

One thing you need to know is that likely nothing is wrong with you. Most people who have relationship or dating problems do not have the right skills to attract healthy partners and develop lasting relationships. Most people underestimate the efforts necessary to find a healthy partner. They often neglect developing the skills that do work. This book will show you how to develop those skills and the places where healthy men are found.

The first step is to make a commitment to finding a lasting relationship. This sounds easy, but it is actually somewhat difficult. Making a commitment means you must avoid detours such as seeking sexual relationships or hanging on to old relationships that are not working. Making a commitment means you must devote time, energy, and money to achieve your goal. You must make a commitment to being persistent even in the face of many obstacles. You must work to be consistent with your values, and you must resist the temptation to give in to easy sex. As a therapist and coach, I have seen the struggle individuals have when they set out to develop new behavioral patterns. There is a tendency to want “instant results.” You have to avoid the urge to quit if the new behavior does not quickly produce results. Our society of fast-food and instant everything creates a basic impatience. Healthy dating skills and attaining your goal take diligence and persistence. You must pick yourself up after a bad experience and keep going if you want to achieve your goal.

Types of Relationships

1. Nonexclusive dating relationship—dating several partners with no commitment to any one of them.

2. Exclusive dating relationship—dating one partner exclusively with no long-term commitment.

3. Cohabiting relationship—living with a sexual or intimate partner; though there is an implied commitment, a cohabiting relationship does not always mean each partner is committed to each other; commitment needs to be verbalized and mutually agreed upon to be present in a relationship.

4. Monogamous relationship—a dating or committed relationship in which the partners agree to have no other sexual partners; monogamy and commitment are two separate entities though they are often thought to be synonymous.

5. Committed/marital relationship—a lasting and binding commitment which can be legal and permanent. Other terms for this type of relationship are domestic partnership or civil union. Many churches perform “holy unions” for same-sex couples.

6. Open relationship—a relationship in which one or both partners agree to have other sexual partners. The agreement is mutual, predetermined, and open among both parties. A strong commitment exists between the two main parties, though three or more individuals could join in an open relationship (e.g., polygamy).

7. Sexual relationship—a relationship that is primarily sexual and which does not involve any commitment. A sexual relationship can be very healthy if both parties agree on such a relationship and have open and honest communication.

8. Friendship dating relationship—a dating relationship in which there is no sexual involvement and which usually occurs when a couple is first dating. Friendship dating is certainly a lost art but it is vital in developing healthy dating relationships.

Any of these relationships can be very healthy. Most people think of a permanent relationship as one that is either monogamous or open and which involves some sort of commitment or joint purpose or goal (owning a house together, raising children together, etc.). A civil union is another term for a marital relationship that is legal in Vermont. Many other states are also moving toward legalization of civil unions and recognition of same-sex couples.

Intimacy with a partner is perhaps our most driving and most basic need. The desire to become one with another who can share your struggles and triumphs is the deepest need of all. The experience of gay and bisexual men hiding their sexuality in our society only serves to heighten their desperate struggle to meet this need. So much depends on how you face this challenge and yet so much is riding on the risk of failure. The power of this need is perhaps the reason so many men find themselves in bars, adult bookstores, or sex clubs seeking desperately to meet someone. Yet this route never really scratches the itch and they are off searching in vain again. A healthy connection may seem like an impossibility for you if you have already had many disappointing experiences. You may feel that the search is the only possibility for you as a gay or bisexual man, with no hope for creating a permanent relationship.

Let yourself fantasize for a moment. Not about the fantastic muscled stud you see as your pornographic dream man. Immerse yourself in a world of love, intimacy, and stability. Let go of all of your mistaken beliefs about what is and what is not possible for two men to have together. Let yourself ignore the religious bigots with all of their prejudice and homophobia and become surrounded by images of a home, a strong dependable man by your side, and a life of love together. This is your life if you can imagine it. You are not controlled by anything other than your own thoughts and dreams. Only your own beliefs and expectations limit you from finding the life you desire. Now set yourself in motion and get nearer to finding this dream. You are the master of your reality and you can have whatever you desire. You are only held back by your disbelief that you can have everything you want. Let go and allow yourself to enter this new world of possibility. You are now on your way.

Chapter 2

Have a Plan to Find Your Man

The men who build the future are those who know that greater things are yet to come, and that they themselves will help bring them about. Their minds are illumined by the blazing sun of hope. They never stop to doubt. They haven’t time.

Melvin J. Evans

Okay, you finally decide to stop playing around with this dating and relationship thing and you decide to get serious. Once you have made a commitment, you will face another obstacle in your goal of finding a committed relationship. This barrier is overcoming the tendency to be too casual about dating. A misguided belief in our society is that finding a mate is spontaneous and that you can do nothing but wait until you find and meet that person. Think back to times when you did “fall in love at first sight,” only to find out later that the person you thought was Mr. Wonderful was actually the worst possible choice. Careful planning and working toward your goal is a more realistic approach. You can keep this belief and wait until you meet the perfect person, or if you are tired of waiting, you may be ready for a fresh approach.

The myth of romantic love can allow us to be fooled into entering an unhealthy relationship and believe that we have only to find the “right person” to be happy. M. Scott Peck, in his book The Road Less Traveled (1978), discusses the tendency to fall prey to this misguided belief. He states that this belief will lead to a primary reliance on our feelings in choosing a partner. We may then believe we have made some terrible mistake when the initial passion wears off. We may begin to stray and break off the relationship to search for the “right one.” We may become involved in an affair if we are partnered, as we seek to regain the feelings of falling in love again. We can make the mistake of believing that our task in finding a partner is to find this perfect person who will offer us perfect love and happiness. The only problem with this approach is that the feeling rarely lasts and we are left disillusioned and empty. Peck goes on to discuss that the task in finding a lasting relationship is self-growth and the letting go of immature and fantasy-based beliefs. He states that this is the same process that individuals who are in psychotherapy go through as they face their problems, let go of a fantasy-based understanding, and face the difficult and often painful reality.

If you want to achieve anything in life you must set a goal. You need to set your goal and work to achieve it within a specific time period. It may sound very strange to suggest you set a time period of finding your mate. Think about how you have achieved other goals. If you attended college and wanted to graduate, you set a date and planned your course schedule to complete the required courses in a specific time period. Having the time deadline made you more motivated and led to a clearer destination of your career. The same principle can be applied to finding a mate. People have a natural tendency to procrastinate and “put off until tomorrow what does not need to be done today.” Dating too often gets put in the “put off until tomorrow” category, and days, weeks, and months go by with no efforts to meet new people and find a mate. A sense of hopelessness and powerlessness can then set in and lead to even more procrastinating and even dropping your goal.

Setting a specific and time-related goal may sound crazy. You may ask how you can control the outcome of finding a relationship given that this outcome depends on another person. The general rule is to set your goal between six and twelve months. You can always revise your target date if necessary. Setting a time limit will give you a sense of excitement and urgency you may not have at this time. Setting a target date may also allow you to get in touch with any fears or ambivalence you may have about being in a committed relationship. You may realize that you have been saying you wanted a committed relationship when at the same time you have resisted intimacy because of your fear of commitment. This issue will be developed in more detail in the next section on overcoming barriers to intimacy.

A specific outcome and date to achieve your goals allows you to focus and become motivated. Relationships do not simply happen. Setting a date will lead to daily and weekly goals to achieve the goal. Breaking down a big task into smaller parts and working on each part in succession is another successful method for attaining your goal. I used this approach with my dissertation research when I was in graduate school. I was able to complete the project in two years with only a few hours each week devoted to the research itself. You will also allow yourself to be “in the process” rather than thinking you will not be successful until you find your partner. You will be going out and enjoying yourself and making many new friends. Getting out and doing something productive tends to lift the spirits. You will feel more optimistic about the goal you are seeking.

You are not going to find sheep in a cow pasture so you must get in the right place to find a relationship. A major step in finding your mate is going to the right places to meet healthy, available, relationship-oriented men. An impossible task you say! If you are like most, you have sought out potential dating partners in all the wrong places. The most unproductive place to meet healthy men is at bars. I am not opposed to bars and I am not judging the men who frequent bars. The fact is that many men go to gay bars to “cruise” for sex and nothing else. This type of person may say they are interested in dating simply to get what they want. Straight women know what I’m talking about.

I think that many gay men have bought into the idea that the gay community is synonymous with the bar scene and have limited their social contacts. A major problem with using bars to meet men is that you will also find a large percentage of men with alcohol and drug-abuse problems. The bars don’t create these types of guys, but these guys tend to gravitate toward the bar scene. If you are going to include the bars as an outlet, just be direct with others. Say up front that you are looking for a potential partner and you are not interested in having a brief sexual encounter. This type of approach will repel those who are “cruising,” and you will be free to meet healthy guys who are also seeking a committed relationship.

Places to Meet Available Dates Other Than Bars or Clubs

1. Personal ads

2. Social groups

3. Church groups (circles)

4. Networking with friends

5. Volunteer work

6. Adult education classes

7. Singles groups

8. Clubs and activity-oriented groups

9. Dating services

10. Support groups

Chapter 3

Face Your Fears of Getting Close

It’s obvious that many of the problems I have are the result of how things were when I was growing up. So here I am spending the rest of my life suffering for personality traits I never asked for. Where is the justice in that? But I was never promised justice.

Hugh Prather

The biggest obstacle to overcome in your search to find a long-term partner is your own mind. Gay and bisexual men have been socialized in this homophobic society and many have accepted false beliefs about homosexuality. These false beliefs are largely unconscious and are similar to false beliefs and stereotypes about gender or racial differences. These beliefs are a powerful force in shaping your thoughts and behavior. However, you can make a conscious decision to identify your false beliefs and counter them with healthy beliefs. You may have adopted stereotypical views of being gay or bisexual and associated them with all gay or bisexual men. For example, you may believe that gay men are more creative and artistic than heterosexual men. You may believe that gay men are more sexually promiscuous than straight men and that gay men do not desire stable relationships. I saw this type of thinking occur recently when a well-known gay minister and his partner decided to adopt a child. A client of mine made the comment that the minister was attempting to appear “straight” by being partnered with children. He appeared to associate marriage and family with being “straight.”

I am always amazed at how much the gay and bisexual men I have counseled put themselves down. I have seen this type of self-degradation in many of my clients and in myself. The phenomenon of internalizing negative beliefs by a minority group member is what I call “reverse stereotyping.” Another term that has been used is “internalized homophobia,” which refers to the unconscious adoption of negative beliefs about homosexuality or homosexuals by gay or bisexual men (see Forstein, 1988; Herek, 1984; Smith, 1988). These stereotypical beliefs are not based on facts, as the current psychological research has found no discernible personality differences between gay, bisexual, and heterosexual men (see Dean and Richardson, 1964; Miller, 1963; Ohlson and Wilson, 1974; Freedman, 1971; Saghir and Robins, 1973). These beliefs place limits on the individual, which is their major harm. For example, if I believe that gay men cannot be trusted, are sexually promiscuous, and do not have the ability to commit to a relationship, then I will expect a romantic partner to betray me and will actually choose unhealthy partners, as I will not perceive potential ...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Half Title Page
• Series Page
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Contents
• Foreword
• Introduction The Process of Preparation in Finding a Long-Term Partner
• PART I: Preparation Stage—Preparing Yourself for a Lasting Relationship
• Chapter 1. Stop Running from Commitment
• Chapter 2. Have a Plan to Find Your Man
• Chapter 3. Face Your Fears of Getting Close
• Chapter 4. Don't Try to Succeed Alone
• Chapter 5. Prepare Yourself Emotionally
• Chapter 6. Let Go of Old Entanglements
• Chapter 7. Make Room for a Relationship
• PART II: Action Stage—Putting Action with your Wishes
• Chapter 8. Make a Compatibility Inventory
• Chapter 9. Decide Whom You Want to Be
• Chapter 10. Develop Your Values and Standards
• Chapter 11. Invest in Your Dating Plan
• Chapter 12. Dealing with Failure and Setbacks
• Chapter 13. Watch Out for the Hidden Dangers
• Chapter 14. Keep Up Your Momentum
• PART III: Completion Stage—Finding and Keeping a Lasting Relationship
• Chapter 15. Gather Information on the Date
• Chapter 16. Open Up and Let Others In
• Chapter 17. Take Time to Get to Know Others
• Chapter 18. Learn from Your Bad Dates
• Chapter 19. Don't Give Up When You Get Discouraged
• Chapter 20. Remember to Stay Focused
• Chapter 21. Let the Relationship Happen
• Chapter 22. Keep the Lover You Find by Continuing to Grow
• Appendix: Dating Journal
• Bibliography
• Index