The Unwanted Gift of Grief

A Ministry Approach

Tim P Van Duivendyk

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2014
• Print ISBN: 9780789029492
• eBook ISBN: 9781317786610
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: History & Theory in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Learn how to embrace the painful gift of grief and use it for transformation and healing as you journey through the wilderness to a promised life.

The Unwanted Gift of Grief is a passionate, practical guide through the grieving process for those who have suffered loss—and those who suffer with them. Rather than talking people out of their grief and pain as a way to make them feel better, this unique book invites them into the grief and pain as a way to healing, transformation and hope. Using real and in-depth ministry and counseling conversations, it identifies the journey through grief.

This powerful book is equally valuable as a gift from a minister to a grieving person, as a professional guide for ministers and counselors, and as a training tool for lay ministers and congregation members. Built on the ministry concept of "sojourning," The Unwanted Gift of Grief offers guidelines to be used in helping people in their journey through the adjustment period that follows a loss, a time that may include the darkness of disbelief, frustration, anger, sadness, depression, and healing light as they make their way through the wilderness of grief.

Topics examined in The Unwanted Gift of Grief include:

• grief as gratitude and gift
• how family and culture can affect grieving
• different pathways through grief
• everyone grieves differently
• sudden loss, slow losing, rejection and suicide
• identifying the agony and characteristics of depression
• grief factors that affect marriage and sexuality
• saying "Yes" to death
• factors of faith, science and miracles
• the labor and contractions of dying and death
• the hope for healing and cure
• how to help: the Sojourner's Process Guide
• the Grief Date: A Guide for Couples
• fifty ways to make it through the wilderness
• and much more

The Unwanted Gift of Grief is an essential resource for anyone lost in the wilderness of loss and grief, and for professionals, lay ministers, family, and friends who care for them.

Part I:

The Unwanted Gift

Chapter 1

Grief As Gratitude, Grief As Gift

The Wilderness of Grief: The “Way” to Transformation

Many words and pictures come to mind when I think of the journey through grief, but I keep coming back to the word “wilderness.” The wilderness is not just a physical place but also a spiritual and emotional place. In the wilderness of grief we may not know which direction to take. Feelings of fear may paralyze us. We may not be able to see through the thick forest to tomorrow. Our courage may fail. In the wilderness the body, mind, and spirit journey through dry deserts, blinding rains, lonely storms, long nights, and dormant winters—searching for springtime. We search for light and hope and have no assurance that the direction we travel will lead to either. We wait for morning while stuck in mourning. We hope we are mourning toward morning. When I use the word “wilderness,” I am describing a “way” rather than a physical place. The grief wilderness is the “way” of the journey toward healing and a promised life again.

The wilderness of grief is not just a physical place but also a spiritual and emotional place. The wilderness is the “way” of the journey toward healing and a promised life again.

Grief As Gratitude

This book was not written to make you feel good. Reading this statement must seem strange given that this book is designed to attract readers who are in the midst of grief and those who minister and care for those grieving. Although this book is not offered to make you feel good, it is offered to help you feel what you feel and hopefully better understand what you feel so that you will go into and through the wilderness of grief toward better healing.

Grief as gratitude may sound crazy, but don’t put this book down yet. Give me a chance to clarify myself. I believe that grief is often the expression of our gratitude. Grief is a painful adjustment period after any significant loss. It affects our body, mind, emotions, and spirit. We go through this painful adjustment period because we have lost a significant person with whom we had a meaningful and treasured relationship.

Grief is a painful adjustment experience after any significant loss engaging our body, mind, emotions, and spirit.

We only grieve profoundly for those with whom we have had a relationship and close connection. We may be momentarily sad and sympathetic regarding another person’s loss, a friend’s divorce, a tragic suicide, a schoolyard shooting, or a terrorist attack taking many lives. For a while we may be struck with identification, sorrow, compassion, and empathy for them. However, we only experience ongoing and high volumes of grief, pain, and confusion when we have had significant involvement with the deceased person. Unless a person was close to us, we tend not to grieve at length and depth.

Usually we only experience high volumes of grief when we have had a significant involvement with the person who is no longer with us. Unless a person was close to us, we tend not to grieve at length and depth.

We only grieve profoundly for those with whom we have had a significant relationship and close bond. We treasure them and are grateful for their closeness in our lives. This gratitude is the source of our pain. When we express grief for them, we are expressing gratitude for them. The pain, anger, and sadness are our expressions of gratitude for them.

After a loss, our hearts may feel broken or throats may tighten with emotions. Our tears may flow or leak uncontrollably. Our thoughts and emotions may collide in confusion, anger, and frustration. Sadness and depression may pull us into a pit. We experience this because the person was important to us and we love him or her. These grief experiences are expressing gratitude to God and life for that special one.

I do not mean that we are grateful for the loss. On the contrary, we hate and mourn the fact that our loved one is not here with us. Nor do I mean that we should be grateful for the pain. On the contrary, with all our might we want the pain to lift. Nor do I mean that this is God’s will, so therefore be grateful. No! This is not what I mean when I say grief is gratitude!

What I mean is that our emotions, groanings, angry laments, broken hearts, and emptiness are expressions of our gratitude and praise to God for the person who is no longer with us. After a loss, we may cry out in anger or frustration toward God and life. Even this is an expression of gratitude. After a loss we may plunge into dark sadness or depression. This also is an expression of gratitude. So do not let anyone hurry you through your tears and grief. Don’t let anyone try to take away your grief until you are ready.

When we express grief for our loved one, we are expressing gratitude for him or her.

Grief Is Unwanted

No one wants to live with physical or emotional pain. After a significant loss we go through an unwanted wilderness of both. After the loss of a baby, it is difficult to be with friends who have babies or to attend a best friend’s baby shower. Sometimes we avoid them or find an excuse not to attend. After the birth of my daughter, Abby, it was difficult to be with friends whose babies were developing normally. The grief was great.

After the death of a spouse, it is painful to go to bed alone at night. The bed is empty and tears may become our only companion. Some sleep at a friend’s house for a while to help cradle the grief and loneliness. No one wants the grief wilderness, yet, it seems that the mourning process is universal and common to all. Although everyone experiences and expresses it differently, sooner or later we all tell the story of unwanted grief.

No one wants the grief wilderness, yet it seems that the mourning process is universal and common to all.

Grief Is a Gift

Grief is a gift is a concept that is difficult to believe and accept, yet grief has many important functions and outcomes. Grief fills up the vacuum of empty space left by our deceased loved one until we can adjust to and accept the reality that the person is no longer with us. It is a gift that facilitates our separation and differentiation from a lost love and heals us toward a new future. But this gift takes time and hard grief work.

Grief fills up the vacuum of empty space left by the deceased until we can adjust to and accept the reality that the person is no longer with us.

Grief is an adjustment period after any loss and involves painful work of the mind, body, emotions, and spirit. This is often called grief work. This means that a significant loss throws us into disturbing thoughts in our minds, disturbing physical changes in our bodies, disturbing feelings in our emotions, and disturbing spiritual wondering and wandering of our hearts and souls. These painful disturbances of grief are the gifts that thrust us into labor and contractions and give birth toward new life after loss. For example, disbelief and shock may be helpful spiritual shock absorbers keeping us on the road of life until we can find our way. Frustration and anger can be the vehicles for standing up again and refusing to be a victim. Releasing frustration can help us work through our inability to control life. Sadness and depression can be ways of connecting with our deceased love, until we can let go and live life to the fullest again.

The painful disturbances of grief are the unwanted gifts that thrust us into labor and contractions that birth new life after loss.

Our Creator has given us these gifts of grief in order for us to manage the loss of love on earth. Love is a powerful gift. It takes time and work to create love and it t...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Table of Contents
• Foreword
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• Part I: The Unwanted Gift
• Part II: The Wilderness of Grief
• Part III: Sojourners in the Wilderness—How to Help
• Part IV: More Ways Toward Transformation
• Notes
• Suggested Reading
• Index