Little Kids, Big Dilemmas

Your parenting problems solved by science

Sarah Kuppen

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2018
• eBook ISBN: 9781317512738
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Developmental Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Fed up with conflicting advice? This book offers real answers to the following questions and more…

Can sleep training harm my baby?

Is screen time bad for my child?

Is breast always best?

Psychologist Dr Sarah Kuppen, expert in early child development, uses her scientific expertise to sort through the hype and give you the facts. Using the latest developmental research, she provides practical tips and solves more than 50 familiar parent questions and dilemmas. Inside you will find advice on:

• five ways to tame a tantrum

• what to do if your child isn't talking

• the scientific facts on breast versus formula feeding

• managing sibling fights and conflict.

Little Kids, Big Dilemmas is an essential guide for science-minded parents and childcare professionals alike. Reading this book will allow you to make informed decisions on the big topics for parenting in the early years.

1 Help! Toddler tantrums are making my life miserable!

Parent post – toddler tantrums

My two and a half year old is testing me to the limit. He throws mighty tantrums! I can’t control him. Often he will hit me in the face, throw himself around on the ground, kick and scream. Last week he managed to escape from our playgroup, because someone left the door open. When I eventually found him and tried to bring him back, I couldn’t stop him screaming. Yesterday, after I had told him off for something, he ran out of the front door and hid in the garden. I felt so worried; I ended up being consoled by a complete stranger on our street. His behaviour is making me crazy and I know feeling this way isn’t making things any better. I need help!

Tantrums! We all hate them. Particularly the ones where everyone’s watching! Standing by while your two year old puts on a show for everyone isn’t much fun. You feel helpless and incompetent and just want it to end. But what can you do?

Understanding what’s going on can help. Knowing it’s not just you, that all parents face these difficult moments, makes it feel less personal. Tantrums are little (or big) explosions of uncontrolled emotion. While we don’t enjoy them, they are perfectly normal for young children. Most children under four are not equipped to deal with the strong feelings brought on by daily life. For most children, tantrums are an inevitable part of growing up. Knowing how to minimise and deal with them once they’ve got started is essential.

Five ways to tame a tantrum

1 Enhance your calm and be prepared.
A tantrum isn’t just about your child’s behaviour, it’s about your state of mind too. As in the parent post earlier, if you’re stressed, pressed for time, feeling awkward or embarrassed, you likely won’t be feeling sensitive, warm, empathic, considerate, patient etc. etc. Or in other words, you won’t be at your best and you won’t be behaving in the way that gets the best out of your child. The message here is to be organised, plan ahead and leave time for contingencies. Being prepared means you will deal better with the tricky situations that arise. Prevention is the most reliable method to deal with a tantrum – use all appropriate means at your disposal and don’t let it get started.

2 Avoid unnecessary confrontation.
If your child is tired, hungry or ill, leave it. This is not the time for a battle of wills. If you can, just move things along and get things done without a big confrontation; leave the disciplining discussions until the time is right.

3 Use distraction.
Distraction is a parent’s best friend. When things start getting tense and you recognise the onset of a meltdown, pick something, anything, that you think might interest your child and redirect her attention. Depending on where you are and what you’re doing, get your phone out and call someone – maybe granny or a sibling, suggest a snack, story or some time outside. Music can be a handy tool to change the mood.

4 Provide an explanation.
If you are parenting a preschooler, explain yourself. Four year olds will appreciate an explanation as to why you’re asking for whatever it is. Even if the reasoning is well known, a reminder and a chance for your child to listen to you talking it through again can help. ‘Sam you know we don’t bang our cutlery on the table. Doing this can damage the table as well as the knife. Also, your brother and sisters and I don’t like the noise and it spoils the nice feeling we have when we’re eating together.’

5 If a tantrum has started, let it run its course.
If your child’s tantrum is in full throw, just leave her to it. Don’t try to appease, make deals, bribes and threats or talk her through it. Just make sure that she is somewhere safe where she can’t hurt herself or anyone else and isn’t going to damage any property. Keep an eye on her, but do feel free to leave the room if it will help your sanity. When researchers looked at the components of tantrums and how long they lasted, they found something of great interest. When parents intervened when a child was in full tantrum, it took longer for the tantrum to finish (Potegal, Kosorok, & Davidson, 2003). So, it doesn’t matter what you say or do, if your child is safe and you want the tantrum over, don’t engage. Wait it out.

The science of tantrums in young children

Why do toddlers have tantrums?

It won’t surprise you to hear that tantrums are an expression of anger and FRUSTRATION! Your child may also feed sadness, often linked to disappointment about not getting her own way.

Screaming, kicking, hitting and stiffening are considered to be high intensity emotion. Yelling and throwing are deemed to be more moderate, while stomping is a mild expression of frustration in most children. Snivelling, whining and crying can also appear towards the end of a tantrum, and are most usually an expression of sadness.

So why do almost all children go through a period of having frequent tantrums? And why does this occur around the ages of two and three? The answers can be found in how a child’s brain develops.

As we get older, we learn to modify our primary feelings of anger through processes of rationalisation, reappraisal and suppression or inhibition. In other words, we learn how to not get too bothered about things. Or at least we learn how to not show how bothered we are.

Keeping our emotions in check, or socially appropriate, involves high order thinking processes. These networks develop much later than those for primary emotions, such as anger or fear. Because of this mismatch, many children lack the skills to manage their intense feelings. This is particularly evident over the ages of two and three, where children experience a strong desire for independence and control. The frustrations brought on by the continual testing of boundaries can mean frequent emotional meltdowns.

Disciplining

Good discipline

‘So how do you discipline your two year old?’ says one friend to another. What she really means is: ‘What kind of punishments do you use and do they work?’ While many of us take discipline to mean punishment, psychologists understand disciplining as a much larger set of behaviours.

For, along with negative consequences, parents do a great deal of explaining and patient modelling of good, friendly, pro-social behaviours. Whether intentional or not, parents guide their children through a process of social and moral education. This is at the heart of disciplining.

In the early years, we support our impulse driven toddlers with the aim of developing school ready four year olds. We hope to have a skilled, (at least partly) self-controlled preschooler who is eager to learn and to make friends. However, disciplining does not end in childhood. It defines our role as parents.

There is no recipe for good discipline. Your child is an individual and what goes down well with one may flop with another. Keeping this in mind, research has highlighted some features that characterise parent/child relationships where the foundations of mutual respect and pro-social behaviour are well established.

Be emotionally warm

We all know people who are emotionally warm. They smile, maybe touch you lightly on the shoulder or arm when you are talking. They tune in, really listen to you and maybe even validate your feelings by nodding, or mirroring, for example responding with similar phrases or thoughts and feelings. As adults, we like to be acknowledged, listened to and respected. As children, we feel the same. Showing emotional warmth allows children to relax in the knowledge that their needs will be met. Showing empathy, compassion, respect and emotional warmth means your child is in a good place to return those feelings and respect your wishes. This will be particularly helpful when things get tense and stressful. When it is all you can do to muster a please and you just want it done, it may be helpful to try showing love or warmth in your requests. Emotional warmth and love is the defining feature of our relationship with our children (Howard, 1996). Using kind humour can also work wonders!

Model good behaviour

Do as I say and not as I do won’t cut it with kids. Children learn best from the people that they like and care about, so we need to set a good example. Social learning theory (Bandura, 1977) suggests that if our children see us keeping a lid on our frustrations, doing a good bit of cleaning up, having healthy social habits, or whatever it is, they are more likely to follow suit.

Be consistent

Being soft on poor behaviour one day and hard the next is confusing for children. Boundaries need to be clear, as do consequences. But sometimes it’s not that easy. In periods of stress, depression or isolation, it can be hard to be consistent. We may not feel physically or emotionally up for confrontation. We might let things go where we shouldn’t, or be too harsh. A supportive network of friends, family or a partner can work wonders in helping us to get the right balance again and again. Consistently treating our children with warmth, sensitivity and care is a good indication that we are in control of our own emotions and emotionally available to our children.

Show empathy

Empathy is the ability to recognise and share the feelings of others. It is a key component of strong parent/child relationships. Many parents share in the emotions experienced by their child. If we listen and respond to our children appropriately and show our understanding of their feelings, emotional closeness is likely to grow.

Adopting an empathic viewpoint means seeing life from our child’s point of view. This may help with disciplining. Taking a child’s perspective can help to identify necessary boundaries without imposing excessive or unnecessary restrictions. Always saying no can degrade the quality of a parent and child relationship. In the early years, creating a strong bond between parent and child means that there should be a great deal of shared excitement, discovery and exploration. Where possible, focus on encouraging and praising. Parental empathy and related characteristics such as sympathy, understanding, acceptance, as well as general sensitivity, are thought to be strongly beneficial to a child’s social and emotional development (Eisenberg & Miller, 1987).

Be attentive

Family playtime can be a great moment for lavishing attention on young children. A joint activity, or just being next to each other, means it’s easy to pay close attention to your child and you can give immediate feedback. Providing undivided attention can produce feelings of togetherness and may support your child’s self-esteem as she feels valued and important. In families facing difficulties, time set aside for individual positive attention has helped to lower the frequency of tantrums (Thelen, 1979).

Talk it through

If you have a toddler, a straightforward request may be the most effective route to getting out the door. However, preschoolers will often appreciate an explanation, which may also make them more likely to comply. Children of this age also like to have the consequences of unwanted behaviour explained to them, or even demonstrated. For example, one study asked mums to model the consequences of unwanted behaviour to their children. In this case, the consequence was the child being ignored for a short period of time. Children who received the ignoring demonstration w...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Table of Contents
• Introduction
• 1 Help! Toddler tantrums are making my life miserable!
• 2 How can I get more sleep?
• 3 What’s the truth on breast versus bottle?
• 4 How much is too much screen time?
• 5 My preschooler has no interest in letters or sounds: should I be worried?
• 6 My two year old isn’t talking!
• 7 Why has he started lying?
• 8 What can my newborn do?
• 9 Is there really a bilingual advantage?
• 10 How early is too early for music?
• 11 Does my child have ADHD?
• 12 How can I help my child do well, without being pushy?
• 13 How can I stop them fighting?
• Index