Sex Addiction

A Guide for Couples and Those Who Help Them

Paula Hall

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2019
• ISBN:
  9781351259972
• Edition: 1
• Topic: Didattica
• Subtopic: Consulenza nello sviluppo professionale

Sex Addiction: A Guide for Couples and Those Who Help Them is a practical book that provides empathic support, guidance, information and pragmatic strategies for couples who want to survive sex and porn addiction - whether that's together, or apart.

Sex and porn addiction devastates couple relationships, and unlike the impact of infidelity, there is no 'before' to get back to and no 'after'. This book adopts the metaphor of a boat, presenting addiction as the tidal wave that devastates the relation-ship, leaving both crew members fighting for survival. There's guidance to ensure each partner makes it safely back to shore and advice on surveying the damage to your relation-ship and deciding if you want to save it and set sail again. You'll find practical advice for both the partner and the addicted partner, including first-hand accounts of couples that have already undertaken the journey.

Part I

Surviving the storm

Part I includes four chapters that focus on surviving the impact of the tidal wave on your relation-ship, both as individuals and as a couple. Chapter 1 will explain why sex addiction devastates couple relationships and how it differs from the impact of infidelity and other addictions. Chapter 2 expands to allow readers to understand more about what sex addiction is and what it means to struggle with sex or porn addiction, or find out that you’re living with someone who does. The importance of individual recovery is covered in Chapter 3, as readers are encouraged to ensure they are each safely back on shore before deciding what to do with their relationship. In Chapter 4 you’ll find lots of practical strategies and advice, including communication techniques, accountability and check-in sessions to help couples survive the tumultuous impact of the tidal wave and ensure they don’t inadvertently cause themselves or each other any further harm.

Chapter 1

Why sex and porn addiction hurts so much

The tidal wave

Having worked as a couple counsellor for 25 years, I can honestly say that nothing impacts a couple relationship in such a devastating way as sex addiction.

For the addicted partner, this is a catastrophe they’ve been trying to avoid for years. They know their relation-ship has been sailing too close to the wind for a long time, but they have done everything in their power to remain captain of the boat and avoid disaster. For partners, they may have assumed their relation-ship was cruising along on calm waters, give or take a few turbulent times, completely unaware of the storm brewing on the horizon. Perhaps they’d noticed dark clouds looming and building, but had no idea where they were from or what they meant. Discovering sex or porn addiction, however that happens, is a tidal wave that devastates the relation-ship and leaves both crew members fighting for survival. The person with the addiction may be left desperately trying to bail out water, doing anything they can to stop the ship from sinking, while the partner is thrown overboard, simply trying not to drown.

So why is sex and porn addiction so devastating? For the partner it combines the most destructive ingredients of personal pain – betrayal, sexual infidelity, deceit and shame. It combines both the well-known devastation of an affair with the torment and challenges of addiction. For the person with the addiction, it’s their worst nightmare. They grapple with a crippling fear of losing the person they purport to love most in the world and everything else they’ve ever held dear: their children, their family, their friends, possibly their career and reputation. And on top of that, they carry the shame of having their greatest secret discovered and losing an aspect of themselves they’ve secretly relied on to maintain their emotional stability. Both feel exposed, vulnerable and bewildered and almost certainly further apart from each other than they ever could have imagined.

There are three main reasons why sex and porn addiction hurts couple relationships so much. Firstly, it wrecks trust; secondly, it damages intimacy; and finally, the social stigma and ignorance that surrounds the problem isolates them from the rest of the world.

How addiction wrecks trust

Healthy relationships are built on trust. Trusting that the other keeps their commitments, large and small. That they’ll always have your best interests at heart and will stand by you in good times and bad.

The impact on a partner’s trust is perhaps easier to understand. They discover that the person they’ve committed to has been leading a double life. They have lied, deceived, cheated and manipulated the other into believing either that their relationship was safe and sound, or that any problems they faced were caused by something else, perhaps even the partner themselves. Of course, not all relationship difficulties will be caused by the undisclosed addiction, but the addiction will almost certainly have exacerbated them and prevented them from being addressed appropriately.

Partners find themselves not only unable to trust their addicted partner, but also feeling unable to trust their own ability to make accurate judgements of the people and the world around them. We all assume we’re a good judge of character, and in particular, we assume we know the person we have chosen to spend our life with. But when you discover addiction, everything you thought you knew and all the assumptions you had made are shattered in a second. Partners describe how they find themselves becoming suspicious of everyone – after all, if the person you’re closest too has successfully held such a big secret as this, perhaps there are others. And they doubt their ability to know if their thoughts, feelings and instincts are correct. If they were wrong about their addicted partner, perhaps they’re also wrong about many other things, such as their choice of friends, career or hobbies. Partners describe themselves as being in free-fall with nothing solid and secure to hold on to.

But sex and porn addiction damages the addicted partner’s trust too. They may have spent years living in doubt about the love within their relationship. Doubting their own feelings towards their partner and questioning ‘how could I do this if I truly loved them?’ They also doubt their partner’s love for them, knowing that their partner is loving only part of the reality of who they are and would probably have never chosen to be with them if they had known the whole truth, or where their relationship might end. People with addiction often struggle with what’s known as imposter syndrome, a sense of being a fraud who doesn’t really belong in the relationship or in the family. And that sense of not belonging often extends to their friendships and working life, leaving them with a constant sense that if people really knew who they were, they wouldn’t be acceptable or allowed to be part of the group. Addiction robs people of their trust in their own identity as well as their ability to trust that others really love them, or indeed care about them.

How the discovery or disclosure process impacts trust

The disclosure or discovery process for most couples is rarely straightforward and, ultimately, is always chaotic. In Sex Addiction – The Partner’s Perspective I describe the four most common ways the truth is finally revealed – we’ll review each of those briefly here and how they impact trust.

The sledgehammer blow – this describes how it feels when everything comes out all at once. For some, it’s the discovery of physical evidence, such as an online profile or videos; for others, it’s the discovery of an STI or being sacked from work; for some couples, it’s a revelation from a third party, such as someone they’ve acted out with or, for a few, the police. These sledgehammer blows come without warning and as the tidal wave hits, the first emotion experienced by both is usually shock. There is no time for either partner to prepare themselves psychologically or emotionally and both are likely to feel traumatised. Trust is instantly lost.

The drip, drip disclosure – this is probably the most common disclosure process as the addicted partner slowly reveals their activities over an extended period of time. The process may have started with a discovery of some kind and then in an attempt to minimise the pain caused to a partner, the addicted partner waits for each new reality to be absorbed before revealing another. They’re terrified of their relation-ship capsizing, thinking a series of small tidal waves will be less painful than one big one. Meanwhile, the partners find themselves with a growing sense of anxiety and dread, having no idea when the next wave will come. Trust has been obliterated, piece by piece, but partners daren’t even trust themselves to start coming to terms with the pain, lest that simply makes pain for more.

The drip, drip, drip exposure – like the drip, drip disclosure, this is a process that can be dragged out for many weeks or months. But the discoveries are due to the partner’s unwavering efforts to reveal the truth, rather than the addicted partner’s confessions. Using our tidal wave metaphor, the addicted partner will have been furiously denying there was any storm ahead and no more water would get into their boat, but the partner sensed the storm in the air, and ultimately was proved right. These couple relationships tend to be the most fraught with anger and resentments as suspicions continue long after the full story is revealed.

The detective breakthrough – when addictive behaviours are discovered by partners all at once, there will probably have been tell-tale signs in the relationship for some time. These couples have often had a challenging relationship, either fraught with conflict or a frustrating sexual relationship. The addicted partner will have continued to hide their addiction, but the partner, knowing something is wrong, finally makes a dramatic breakthrough. These couples are most likely to feel a sense of shared relief that the truth is finally out, but that is accompanied by shock and fear that what they had once shared had never been real in the first place.

The impact on intimacy

Intimacy is a very difficult concept to define. We talk a lot more about the different elements of intimacy and how to rebuild it in Chapter 14, but here we’re going to focus on how sex and porn addiction damages intimacy within a couple relationship, not just when it’s discovered, but over the years of active addiction that precede disclosure.

Trust is the bedrock of intimacy – when it’s there, we assume we’re safe to be open and vulnerable with each other. To share our innermost doubts and fears, hopes and joys. But when trust is gone, intimacy soon follows. But for couples whose relationship has been overshadowed, knowingly or unknowingly, by sex or porn addiction, intimacy, at least in some areas of the relationship, will be limited.

However, that doesn’t mean that there will have been no intimacy in the relationship at all. Some books written about sex addiction, especially those written pre-Internet porn, will tell you that addiction is an intimacy disorder and sex addicts can’t do intimacy. These kinds of blanket statements are damaging to couples as it can leave both of them fearing the whole of their relationship was meaningless and a charade. And couples who had previously experienced themselves as loved and cherished by each other can find themselves questioning their ability to know how real love feels. It’s true that before the days of Internet porn a high percentage of people with sex addiction were people who had come from backgrounds with inadequate or abusive parenting, and the result of their childhood experiences left them finding it difficult to have meaningful and intimate relationships in adult life. However, the profile of someone with sex or porn addiction has changed considerably over the years and there are now many, many people who are able to have full, intimate and loving relationships – and act out.

However, the secrecy and shame of sex and porn addiction inevitably erode intimacy for most couples. As the addictive behaviour escalates, either by spending more and more time online viewing porn or going offline into live sexual encounters, there is less and less energy for the relationship. The person with the addiction often withdraws from emotional communication as their guilt and shame grows. Partners usually sense this withdrawal, and without an explanation may find themselves either getting into more and more conflict over the lack of intimacy or withdrawing from the relationship themselves for protection.

Another intimacy area that is affected by sex and porn addiction is a couple’s sex life. Some people with sex addiction completely withdraw from any kind of sexual relationship, while some never engaged from the start. Others withdraw more gradually, either by wanting less and less sexual contact or being unable to be fully present during sex. Many addicted partners describe how high levels of porn use have changed their sexual tastes and subsequently they feel less and less sexually fulfilled with their partners. Partners report feeling pressured to go beyond their sexual comfort zones or noticing that the addicted partner always seemed distracted during sex, while others feel sexually rejected and can struggle with sexual frustration and low sexual self-esteem as their addicted partner seems to inexplicably lose interest in them.

It’s also now widely recognised that compulsive pornography use can lead to sexual dysfunctions (Park et al., 2016). In the first instance there may be difficulty reaching orgasm, then problems getting aroused and getting an erection. This is often referred to as PIED – Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction. As these dysfunctions become an increasing element of a couple’s sexual interaction, both may withdraw further from sexual intimacy to avoid what may feel like sexual failure. And for many, one strategy to avoid sexual intimacy is to withdraw from any kind of physical intimacy and hence affection also erodes. Regrettably, as the couple’s sexual relationship diminishes, porn use may escalate as an alternative and hence a negative cycle of intimacy withdrawal and porn viewing ensues. And as is the case for many couples, as the sexual connection is lost, they become less intimate and feel more distant in other areas of their relationship.

However, this is not always the case. For some couples, the kind of sexual intimacy they shared has not changed over the years. Many people with sex addiction will always have enjoyed the intimacy of sex in their primary relationship, but split off their need for other types of sexual experience into acting out. However, discovering sex or porn addiction always changes sexual intimacy. For a few, the fear of loss may temporarily fuel their libido, a common experience after infidelity, but as the shock wears off, most will need to reclaim and rebuild their sexual relationship.

How social stigma and ignorance isolates couples

Once the tidal wave hits, and the cause is identified as sex or porn addiction, couples are often left isolated and alone as individuals and also isolated and alone as a couple. Sex and porn addiction is still widely misunderstood and shrouded in secrecy and shame, leaving couples unsure where to turn for help and support. Regrettably, there also continues to be a woeful lack of professional help, meaning couples who turn to relationship counsellors untrained in the area of addiction can inadvertently do more harm than good. And those who go for professional help as individuals may find they are receiving different information and advice which can inevitably lead to further conflict within the couple relationship.

Sex and porn addiction are not like any other addictions because they damage the very core of our humanity – our relationships. Sexual identities are left in shatters with partners often feeling they have been sexually ...