Alternatives to Domestic Violence

A Homework Manual for Battering Intervention Groups

Kevin A. Fall, Shareen Howard

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2017
• eBook ISBN: 9781317190462
• Edition: 4
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Alternatives to Domestic Violence, 4th Edition is an interactive treatment workbook designed for use with a wide variety of accepted curricula for domestic violence intervention programs. This new edition adds and revises the exercises and stories in every chapter, covering important topics such as respect and accountability, maintaining positive relationships, good communication, parenting, substance abuse, digital abuse, and sexuality. Chapters on parenting, substance abuse, and religion have also been heavily revised based on current literature and group member feedback. The chapters provide a comprehensive collection of vital topics, including topics rarely addressed in other curricula, and exercises help the group members learn new strategies for leading a life of cooperation and shared power. Continuing the tradition of past editions, this edition not only focuses on the content of a good BIPP curriculum, but it also stresses the group process elements that form the backbone of any quality approach.

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Chapter 1

What You Need to Know Before Starting Group

The Road to Change

If you are like most people we meet who are reading this book, you are probably in a court-mandated group for domestic violence. We understand that most people who come to group in this manner are feeling two main emotions: anger or shame about having to come to a group like this, and confusion about the group process. These emotions are completely normal as you first enter this new experience, and how you handle these emotions will largely determine your learning experience and enjoyment while in group.

This chapter orients you to the group process and answers some questions in a way that allows you to be more open to the group experience. Odds are that you never have been in a group before. In Exercise 1.1, you learn about the reality of group. Exercise 1.2 answers some universal questions about domestic violence groups. Exercise 1.3 helps you focus on a primary tool of the group: the art of self-discipline. Exercise 1.4 is your first exposure to a tool, or strategy to help facilitate change. In this chapter, we teach you how to set realistic goals for yourself and the group process. Finally, in Exercise 1.5 you get the privilege to hear from Brian, a graduate of the program. He lets you know what it was like for him to start the program and what helped him the most on his road to change.

This chapter will help you prepare to be an active participant in the change process. The group is your vehicle on the road to change. It is up to you how you operate the vehicle—how fast, how slow, or whether you ever fully engage the vehicle’s full power. In a sense, this chapter gives you the keys to the car, but it is up to you to use them. If anything, we hope that by reading this chapter first, some of the confusion will be resolved. The anger and shame? Well, you get to work on that the rest of your time in group.

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EXERCISE 1.1: EXPECTATIONS VERSUS THE REALITY OF GROUP WORK

In most of the exercises in this book, you will have the opportunity to read, learn, and then answer questions that allow you to reflect on what you have learned. This exercise is a bit different, in that you will be asked to reflect on your expectations and then compare your expectations with some universal myths about the group process and the reality of working in a group.

1. Imagine the group you are about to join. What does it look like? Who is in group? What is the seating arrangement? Who is leading the group?

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2. How are the leaders facilitating the group? Is it like a class in school or different?

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3. What is your role in group? What will you be expected to do? What is the role of other members?

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Myths and Realities of Group

Myth 1: This is going to be a man-bashing group

Many group members enter group believing that the group will consist of anti-male messages and lectures on how you, as a man, are bad, evil, or just plain wrong. Ideally, you have a group leader who knows the difference between skills that motivate you to change and those that attempt to shame you into considering change. Group is not a place to bash anyone, male or female. Group provides you with a process in which you can learn new information from the group leaders and others in the group, teach other members through your life experience, and explore your values and belief systems. Most members of group report feeling supported by the group and a sense that “I am not alone” in personal struggles. Within this supportive environment, you also should feel challenged. You may feel defensive when confronted about beliefs and behaviors that are causing problems in your life, but, coupled with support, this process can be a unique growth experience.

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Myth 2: Group is just another word for class

When considering the group experience, it is normal for you to compare it to the only group-like experience you may have participated in: the school classroom. You might visualize the room as a classroom with chairs in a row and a “teacher” at the front of the class. You also might anticipate sitting and listening while the teacher talks endlessly about a wide range of information. Coupled with the first myth, this experience sounds awful. Although some group leaders probably run their groups like classes, most group leaders appreciate the difference between a group and a class. The type of group you will be attending is known as a “psychoeducational” group. What this means is that there should be two vital aspects of your experience: learning some new information, and having the time and space to process the learning. This book is set up for a psychoeducational group format in that each exercise is designed to provide new tools to help facilitate change. The group should be a place where you are not only exposed to these new ideas, but also have time to talk about how they fit and don’t fit with your life. The questions that follow each exercise are designed to get that discussion going.

Group work is a counseling specialty that harnesses the power of group interaction to facilitate change. The fact that you are in group and not in individual, couples, or family therapy represents a clinical choice on the part of your counselor. Research on group work has identified several elements that produce change in groups (Yalom & Leszcz, 2005). Following are a few of the components of group’s unique approach and power that differentiate the group experience from that of a classroom:

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■ Universality: If you are like most people who are beginning the group process, you are probably feeling like no one else in the world is going through what you are going through and that no one can understand your life. That belief will leave you feeling lonely, isolated, and at times, hopeless. In group, you will realize that you are not alone in your struggles. You will hear from other men who are both similar to and different from you, yet you will share many of the same patterns of control. Although no one can have your identical experience, people’s lives can overlap at the feeling and behavioral level. Hearing that other people are working through similar issues can be very comforting and motivating. To experience universality, you must be willing to share aspects of your life in an open and honest way and, most importantly, be willing to listen to the struggles of others in your group. Instead of trying to think of ways you can help them, just try to focus and understand what they might be feeling. Once you identify the feeling, think about times in your life that you have felt that similar feeling. Making that connection is a great step towards universality!

■ Vicarious learning: Group is different from individual counseling in the simple fact that there are more people to learn from during each session. Each person brings with them their own perspectives and different ways of dealing with issues of control and self-discipline. In group, you can learn just by being in the room. As you listen to other people working through their struggles, you can apply their insights to your life without even saying a word. It’s like watching a YouTube video on how to fix a flat tire. You watch the video of someone going through the steps and although you were not actually changing a tire, you have learned by watching them. Although we want you to be an active member of the group, it is encouraging to know that you also can gain from the group by listening.

■ Instillation of hope: Our groups are “open-ended groups” in which members can begin group at any time and flow seamlessly into the process. You will be in group with beginners, people in midstream, and people who are getting ready to graduate. Listening to people talk about their progress and the benefits of group can motivate you in the beginning stages of your group process. Pulling a few “old-timers” aside after group and discussing the group process with them is a personally proactive method to facilitate the instillation of hope.

■ Cohesion: As groups work together, the members begin to bond. This bonding motivates deeper work. We know you do not feel it now, but over time, if your group is cohesive, you actually will look forward to coming to group (we know that is hard to believe!). Most men do not have a safe place to discuss the issues we will be discussing in this book. The group can be a place where you come and discuss and learn things that you cannot talk about anywhere else. This possibility is very appealing to most people, but it is something that you have to experience to believe. To do your part in establishing a cohesive group, you must come to every group, do the homework, and participate as much as possible by sharing aspects of who you are and what you struggle with in your everyday life. The more real you are, the more the group will respond.

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Myth 3: The group will save my marriage

Many of our group members believe that the main purpose of the group is to learn how to repair and rebuild your relationship. Although that is the outcome for some people in the group, it is not the primary purpose. The sole focus of the group should be on your individual pattern of controlling behavior. In fact, think of group this way: The more time you focus on your partner, either focusing on ways she should change or on temporary changes you can make to save your relationship, the more time you will be wasting.

Individually saving your relationship is out of your control. Your past behaviors may have caused damage that cannot be repaired by any amount of change on your part. It is also possible that, if and when you change, you might decide that your current relationship is one you would not like to continue. Because we cannot predict the nature of the change, the best point of focus is on personal change. Specifically, you will focus on learning non-controlling behaviors to use in a wide variety of relationships and exploring personal beliefs that contribute to your patterns of controlling behavior. You cannot control the outcome of your relationships, but you can control how you contribute to them in the present and the future.

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Myth 4: I will learn all I need to learn during my time in group and then I’ll be “fine”

Groups for domestic violence vary greatly in terms of duration. Some are ten weeks, whereas others can last longer than a year. Regardless of the time frame, we can assure you that the information you gain in group is the beginning, not the end, of your growth process. The information contained in this book and the insights you discover throughout your time in group are designed to provide a foundation from which you can continue to change. So do not set yourself up for failure by focusing on the end of the process. For most of the people in your group, including yourself, the end of your group will only be the start of a long, but positive, process of change. Consider the advice from one group member, Chuck:

I can honestly say that I have experienced evolution during my time in group. When I first started, I didn’t think I needed it at all. I call that my “Infant” phase. I didn’t really know what I needed, but I knew I was uncomfortable being in the group and I ...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Alternatives to Domestic Violence
• Title
• Copyright
• Contents
• List of Figures
• List of Tables
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction for Group Leaders
• Introduction for Group Members
• 1 What You Need to Know Before Starting Group: The Road to Change
• 2 Defining Abuse and Battering
• 3 Achieving Nonviolence
• 4 Exploring and Defeating Intimidation
• 5 Creating a Trusting Relationship
• 6 Giving and Receiving Respect
• 7 Accountability: Taking Responsibility for Yourself
• 8 Maintaining Positive Sexual Relationships
• 9 Negotiating a Partnership
• 10 Cooperating through Good Communication
• 11 Parenting: How to Relate to Your Children
• 12 Religion and Domestic Violence
• 13 The Role of Drugs and Alcohol in Domestic Violence
• 14 Considerations for Finishing Group
• Reference
• Index