Families and Forgiveness

Healing Wounds in the Intergenerational Family

Terry D. Hargrave, Nicole E. Zasowski

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2016
• Print ISBN:
  9781138121850
• eBook ISBN:
  9781317307808
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Families and Forgiveness, Second Edition gives the therapist a working knowledge of the importance of love and trustworthiness, skills to adequately assess hurt and pain in a family, and different techniques and conceptualizations to help family members move to make progress in restoring function to broken identities and senses of safety. The authors consistently demonstrate that the work of forgiveness—in any form—is possible with every family member and improves the intergenerational health of the family. In this new edition, a reorganized structure efficiently brings the therapeutic focus on love and trustworthiness, and revised case studies and updated interventions provide mental health professionals with practical methods to treat troubled families.

Section II

Doing Therapy in the Four Stations of Forgiveness

Helping Family Members Forgive One Another 3

Whether we identify with a constructivist or objectivist view, relationships serve as an anchor in our experience of reality. Relationships are like a cable that runs through the whole of life and are at one time our connection to the past and future. We experience the complex threads of the cable of intertwined relationships in something called the here and now, even though it clearly is tied to forgotten and vague recollections in the past and runs to a speculative and unclear future. But even though the pathway of the relationship cable is not clearly seen by us, we know that it is connected. The past relationships of our previous generations as well as our experiences with our friends and families clearly affect us in our here and now relational experiences. In the same manner, the relationship decisions we now make contribute to cable strength or weakness as it heads toward the future. Changes in the relational structure now no doubt impact and determine the relationships that we have in the future and in many ways affect the relationships of our unborn lineage.

Like any person, a therapist helping a family or individual cannot know exactly where the cable derived its origins and where it will end its journey. What the therapist can see in the here and now is the relational cables’ strengths and damage. In these perplexing relational ties that are damaged, desire sometimes dictates that the relation be severed. But our knowledge of the past and future implications of present relationships rightly leads us to caution. Certainly there are just causes for severing family relationships and sometimes it is the only option. But in general, the severing of any family relationship weakens the future strength of the cable. In the same manner, any relational strand that can be repaired and strengthened in the here and now will contribute to the relational resources in the future.

The therapist sees the individual and family from an outside perspective that they can never have and has special knowledge of the relationships and life course to which the family is bound. As such, the therapist has an essential job in the therapeutic work of forgiveness. The suggestions, pace, advice, and encouragement can gently move the individual or family to the place that enables them to make the best judgments and decisions concerning the work of forgiveness. In enhancing the objectivity of the family and helping them know the conditions, the therapist engages the family in the therapeutic work of forgiveness.

While often rewarding, working through the process of forgiveness can be confusing and complicated work for both clients and therapists as there is often a great deal of pain to be explored as one embarks on the forgiveness journey. While there is no clear formula that fits for every situation, there are some important considerations for the therapist that can serve as valuable guidelines in walking clients through the process of forgiveness.

The Benefits of Forgiveness

While forgiveness can be arduous work, the research is clear that forgiveness is a worthy investment and has profound intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits. Many studies demonstrate that forgiveness has intrapersonal benefits both physically and emotionally. Studies have shown that an apology may expedite the body’s homeostatic efforts to reduce cardiovascular arousal and one’s level of forgiveness facilitates diastolic blood pressure and mean arterial blood pressure recovery from stress (Whited, Wheat, & Larkin, 2010), indicating the physical health benefits of forgiveness.

Beyond the physical benefits, the research shows that forgiveness has strong implications for our emotional well-being. Forgiveness has been shown to have a general effect on emotional regulation, reducing anxiety and depression, while also increasing self-esteem and healthy decision making (Reed & Enright, 2006). In studying the use of forgiveness among inpatient substance-dependent clients, forgiveness therapy was shown to change clients’ level of anxiety and anger toward normal profiles and move clients to a non-depressed state (Lin, Mack, Enright, Krahn, & Baskin, 2004). Similarly, the experience of forgiveness has been found to be comprised of relief from psychological pain, increased empathy, positive regard for offenders, the actualization of religious values, the discovery of new meaning, and a movement toward reconciliation with offenders. In addition, the research indicates that forgiveness is characterized by both a reduction of negative affect and self-transformation (Williamson & Gonzales, 2007), showing the benefit of forgiveness both in terms of how one feels and the affect they express toward others.

While the research clearly indicates benefits for the individual who is willing to do the hard work of forgiveness, many studies also indicate interpersonal benefits. To begin, forgiveness has been shown to be helpful in preventing harm in future relationships. For instance, the research indicates that forgiveness is helpful prior to marriage or to beginning a new loving relationship as it minimizes the danger of misdirected anger from previous relationships. Similarly, the practice of forgiveness toward individuals one has encountered at work, school, and the home earlier in the day was shown to decrease the likelihood that anger will be misdirected in the home later in the day. Finally, teachers have found the use of forgiveness exercises in the beginning of class to be helpful in addressing anger that may have been brought from the home or community. The release of this anger has been shown to facilitate the forgiveness process and decreases acting-out behavior in the classroom (Fitzgibbons, 1986).

Not only is the work of forgiveness interpersonally beneficial in terms of preventing future harm to other relationships, but the research also indicates significant benefits for the relationship between the victim and the offender. One study demonstrated that the more forgiving the offended party is, the less psychological aggression he or she will display toward the transgressor (Eaton & Strothers, 2006). Additionally, the interpersonal benefits of forgiveness are reflected in both interpersonal cognitions and interpersonal behaviors. In other words, not only does forgiveness impact the way in which one behaviorally responds to their transgressor, but also in the way the offended party thinks about their transgressor (Williamson & Gonzales, 2007). The findings go on to say that in practice, forgiveness is facilitated when the offender joins the victim to facilitate the process of forgiveness. While one might assume that the sole burden of responsibility lies with the victim, the research shows that both parties have a role to play when it comes to doing the hard work of forgiveness (Williamson & Gonzales, 2007). Forgiveness also appears to impact how we feel and interact in the relationship. The research indicates that the victim’s level of forgiveness predicts the level of cooperation, accommodation, and willingness to sacrifice in the relationship, independent of the level of commitment to the offender, demonstrating the unique role of forgiveness in a relationship. The research has also shown that forgiveness helps individuals to feel like they are a part of the relationship again (Karremans & Van Lange, 2004).

The work of forgiveness often requires a great deal of investment on the part of both the victim and offender. However, the research clearly demonstrates that forgiveness has tremendous benefits for the individual and the relationship. As therapists, we are wise to consider these findings as we reflect on how we can best facilitate the process of forgiveness for our clients and contemplate the following elements of our therapeutic work.

The Therapist in Forgiveness Work

In doing the difficult work of forgiveness, there are several considerations for the therapist to keep in mind. In the process of learning and understanding clients’ stories, we as therapists must be aware of our own stories, our pain, and our own reaction tendencies. Neglecting to pay attention to these factors in our own lives can have negative consequences for our work with our clients. To begin, if a client’s story happens to bear some resemblance to our own story, we may be tempted to pursue personal vendettas, playing out our own pain in our clients’ lives. Pursuing our personal vendettas in therapy will likely lead to unwise therapeutic decisions. For instance, if a therapist was abused as a child and the situation was left unresolved, the therapist may be tempted to let their own pain determine the next steps and pacing, which may not be appropriate for the client at the given time.

The therapist must also be mindful of their own pain and reactive tendencies as they navigate their therapeutic relationship with clients. Clients who wish to pursue the difficult work of forgiveness have most likely experienced at least some degree of trauma. And as we know, when we as human beings experience pain, we tend to rely on reactionary behaviors in the interest of self-protection. However, these behaviors are not helpful in building love and trustworthiness. In journeying through the difficult work of forgiveness with our clients, we will likely encounter the client’s pain and experience their reaction tendencies as they process their story in the therapy room. Here, it is crucial for us as therapists to be aware of our own pain so that we do not engage in a painful, cyclical process that could potentially lead to unwise therapeutic decisions. For example, one of the most painful feelings for me (Nicole) is the feeling of being inadequate. When I feel inadequate, I am tempted to perform and prove myself until I feel I have won the approval of the other person. As a therapist, I need to be aware of this as I experience clients’ reactions in the room. If a client becomes angry with me or begins questioning my methods and credentials, I must not allow my inevitable feelings of inadequacy to pressure my work by explaining myself or making decisions that I know are not in my client’s best interest in hopes of pleasing them instead. Being aware of our own pain and reactivity will help us to make wise therapeutic decisions and act in the best interest of our clients rather than feeling the need to protect ourselves.

Not only is it important that we are aware of our pain and reaction tendencies, but we must also be able to move through our pain effectively in the room so as not to perpetuate pain in the therapeutic relationship. Because clients have the potential to impact our feelings about our identity and safety, it is essential that we are able to calm ourselves in the moment our own pain gets activated. One simple way to anchor ourselves is to separate our identity and sense of empowerment from clients’ reactions. Knowing that clients’ reactions are not an attack on our identity and safety, but rather a result of the pain they are carrying will help us to stay the course and not miss precious therapeutic opportunities in pursuing the work of forgiveness.

The Client Story

As we discussed before, the narrative is the context where the client reveals the story of their family violations of love and trustworthiness. Most therapists see this story as a trustworthy gift that the client ...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• Preface
• Section I: The Therapeutic Work of Forgiveness
• Section II: Doing Therapy in the Four Stations of Forgiveness
• Section III: Clarifying the Work and Answering the Questions
• References
• Index