Minimalist Parenting

Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Doing Less

Christine K. Koh, Asha Dornfest

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2016
• Print ISBN: 9781138456556
• eBook ISBN: 9781351861205
• Topic: Psychology
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

We're in the midst of a parenting climate that feeds on

more. More expert advice, more gear, more fear about competition and safety, and more choices to make about education, nutrition, even entertainment. The result? Overwhelmed, confused parents and overscheduled, overparented kids.

In MINIMALIST PARENTING, Christine Koh and Asha Dornfest offer a fresh approach to navigating all of this conflicting background "noise." They show how to tune into your family's unique values and priorities and confidently identify the activities, stuff, information, and people that truly merit space in your life.

The book begins by showing the value of a minimalist approach, backed by the authors' personal experience practicing it. It then leads parents through practical strategies for managing time, decluttering the home space, simplifying mealtimes, streamlining recreation, and prioritizing self-care. Filled with parents' personal stories, readers will come away with a unique plan for a simpler life.

1

The Road to Minimalist Parenting

You’ve just taken off on a road trip with your two new best friends, Fewer and Less. The six key ideas in this chapter are the compass points on your road map. Actually, treasure map is a better metaphor, because there’s no specific route you’re expected to take to get to the payoff. This journey will be more like navigating by the stars and the landmarks—with frequent stops to enjoy the view.

The first step toward Minimalist Parenting is to embrace a new mind-set that challenges the modern parenting prescription of “more.” As you reframe your unique constraints and assumptions, you’ll begin to understand how your life, once minimalized, can take on a shape you envision and create. What follows are the attitude shifts and perspective changes that will help you pull it off.

Make Room for Remarkable

If we’re talking about compass points, this one is true north. When you get rid of the stuff you don’t love, there’s more room for the stuff you do love. A simple statement on the face of it, but incredibly powerful when applied to your life.

A million things want your attention. The birthday gifts that need buying, the plans that need making, the after-school programs that need arranging, just to name a few. One of the benefits of modern parenting is the sheer amount of choice available in just about every aspect of family life.

But the more choices, decisions, and stuff you must wade through, the more remote your remarkable life becomes. Have you ever spent fifteen minutes at the drugstore staring at the array of cold medicines, wondering which will best help your feverish, bedridden kid? Which is the right one? Fifteen minutes may not sound like much, but when you add up all the time and attention lost managing the barrage of choices thrown at you each day, each month … it adds up fast. More than that, the mental clutter that results casts a shadow over everything.

As one who tends toward over-research, it has taken me a long time to let go of my need to investigate everything. I’ve learned to shorten my search for the “best” answer and to just go with what’s most likely to do the job. The time and mental space I’ve freed up feels like oxygen for my brain.

Minimalist Parenting is about editing. Your time and attention are too precious to be nibbled away by everything that would thoughtlessly take a bite. You’re panning for gold, swirling your life around to reveal the gleaming nuggets and letting the silt and debris wash away. When you edit out the unnecessary—whether these are physical items, activities, expectations, or maybe even a few people—you make room for remarkable.

The goal is actually quite simple: keep or add the stuff that increases the joy, meaning, and connection in your life, and reduce or get rid of the stuff that doesn’t.

It’s not exactly revolutionary to suggest that reducing clutter in one’s life increases one’s happiness. But unlike decluttering your house, decluttering your life can be a lot murkier. How do you know which things to keep and which to toss?

Know Yourself

When we encourage you to focus on joy, we’re not talking about a flash of momentary happiness. We’re talking about living in alignment with your deeply held values. When you make decisions based on your values (as opposed to what all the external voices in your life are telling you to do), something inside goes zing. Not always immediately, and not always obviously, but it zings nonetheless.

Therefore, to figure out how to edit your life, you must first identify your unique set of values. “Values” is a lofty word—begging for Capitalization Due To Importance—but in reality your values are probably pretty humble and approachable. Simply stated: your values are the things you believe deep down.

Some of your values come straight from your upbringing (for better or worse). We all come from somewhere, and accepting that a big chunk of ourselves is bound up in our family culture is an important part of becoming a grown-up. For example, perhaps you—like us—have frugal tendencies instilled in you by the cultures of your parents. Or perhaps your glamorous mother passed on her exquisite taste in fashion and design. Or maybe you grew up playing in the woods, so you consider time outdoors to be a priority for your kids.

Other values may be in direct opposition to those of your family of origin. If yours was a cold, formal household, you may consider emotional warmth and laughter to be cornerstones of your parenting. If your parents withheld treats, you may believe in your kids’ right to a bucket full of Halloween candy.

The good news is you can cherry-pick the best of what you grew up with. (It may take some therapy to get there, but you can do it.) Take some time to zero in on your unique values. Everyone’s values are different so there are no wrong answers. No one will judge you on saintliness or profundity. Ask yourself:

•What am I grateful my parents taught me?

•What do I want to do differently from my parents?

•What do I want my family to represent?

•What do I care about? (If it’s easier to use the process of elimination, then ask, What don’t I care about?)

•What do I want my kids to take with them as they go out into the world?

•What roles do I want to play—as a spouse/partner, professional, and/or part of whatever village or community I’ve created for my family?

Zeroing in on your values is an ongoing process, so don’t worry if your answers feel incomplete. Keep a notebook handy and scribble down relevant insights as they pop up. The most important thing you can do now is begin the excavation process. As you reveal the edges of your values, keep chiseling away and the bigger picture will emerge over time.

Know Your Family

While you’re considering your values, it’s important to recognize that your family members come with their own unique blueprints and a spirit and a constitution that may be different from yours. What if you and your partner crave adventure and excitement, but your kid is a homebody? You may feel at home surrounded by your books, but your partner is constantly trying to get you to go to social events. One kid may happily accompany you on errands while the other requires more control over his daily routine. (That’s the one screaming in the airplane seat behind you.)

I wouldn’t call my husband, Rael, and I opposites, because we hold so many basic values in common. But our day-to-day styles—how we operate in our daily lives—are very different. I’m fundamentally social, preferring to do things in a group or a community. He draws energy from quiet time at home and alone. I’m an intuitive decision maker who resists holding myself to a tight structure, which means my homemaking skills are … still emerging. He finds peace in routine and proceeds through his day systematically (and his office is spotless).

We’ve had to work on accepting each other’s innate styles and on finding common ground so that we could create a unified family culture and consistently parent our kids. At the same time, we try to acknowledge each other’s individual strengths and quirks … they attracted us to each other in the first place. It’s a long-term process we revisit constantly as circumstances, goals, kids (and we) change.

Consider the following questions about each person in your family:

•If I were to describe my partner/kid using a single word, what would it be?

•In what ways are we similar?

•In what ways are we really, really different?

•My partner/kid is happiest when s/he is __________.

•What activities does s/he most enjoy?

We’re not suggesting you throw your dreams in the trash because of differences in family temperament. The key is to navigate toward a life that allows family members space and permission to be themselves while providing opportunities to stretch and learn something new. After all, even homebodies (especially homebodies, perhaps) need encouragement and opportunity to step over the threshold into the big, exciting world.

You’re bound to run into roadblocks, especially in families with several different temperaments. Remember, too, you’re still getting to know your kids, especially if they’re young. Plus, they’re constantly changing and so are you—so even your best answers are educated guesses and may be completely off base six months from now. That’s okay. Just note your discoveries (the notebook!) and keep them in mind as you proceed.

Trust Your Decisions

You’re getting in touch with what makes you and your family members tick … go you! You’re driving the bus, and now it’s time to give that internal voice of yours—the one that quietly knows the way—the steering wheel.

Meet Your Inner Bus Driver

Your inner bus driver is your gut feeling, your internal sense of what’s right and wrong. We each have an inner bus driver, but we don’t always listen to or trust her. Sometimes we’re so distracted by the noise and pressure around us, we can’t even hear our inner bus drivers.

No longer. Your inner bus driver knows which way to go. All you need to do is listen. What (or whom) might you want to steer around? All the voices that keep telling you your opinions don’t count. Parenting experts, lifestyle gurus, and marketers. Well-meaning relatives. Glossy magazine spreads. Outdated messages from your childhood. Your insecurities about the seemingly “put together” parents of your kids’ friends. The narrow definitions of “right” inherent in the culture of modern parenting.

It’s also time to embrace the role you and your partner play as leaders of your family. Today’s parenting culture leans heavily toward recognizing each child’s individuality and adjusting accordingly. In our hearts we believe this is a good thing, but parents must lead the way, guiding behavior and setting limits in the process.

So plunge a flag into the ground, stand tall, and claim this life as yours! It’s not always easy to trust yourself when you feel utterly bewildered and the external voices sound so sure of themselves. It’s even harder to resist comparing yourself to other parents who seem to have it all figured out, especially when your kid is screaming in the middle of the cereal aisle. But you know yourself and your kids even if it doesn’t always feel like it, and it’s your life to live. You owe it to yourself and your family to give your inner bus driver as much authority as the cacophony of voices around you. That bus driver knows more than you think.

Optimize Your “Information Comfort Zone”

We all have different ways we process options and make decisions. As you learn to trust your inner bus driver, identify your “information comfort zone”—the way you prefer to absorb and act on information—and tweak it to free up time and mental clarity and to reduce the mind-sucking t...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title Page
• Copyright Page
• Dedication
• Table of Contents
• Introduction
• 1 The Road to Minimalist Parenting
• 2 It’s Your Time: Tuning In and Prioritizing
• 3 Time Management Tricks for Minimalists
• 4 A New Way to Think About Your Stuff
• 5 From Clutter to Curation: Minimalizing Your Home
• 6 Financing Your Minimalist Life
• 7 Playtime: Good, Simple Fun
• 8 Education In and Out of School
• 9 Strategies for Simplifying the School Year
• 10 Beyond the Schoolyard: Enrichment and Extracurriculars
• 11 Meal Planning for Real Life
• 12 Simplifying and Enjoying Mealtime
• 13 Celebrations and Vacations: Less Fuss, More Fun
• 14 YOU, Minimalist You!
• Afterword: What’s Next
• Resources
• Acknowledgments
• Index