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Why Now?
Some of the parents I work with are experiencing family problems that are solved by a specific tweak to their parenting repertoire. For many of the other parents, the real challenge before them is their inability to co-parent cooperatively. When I make this suggestion, they nod their heads fervently in agreement. These parents know this is a very real problem. What I know is that this isnāt just happening to the parents who work with me and that they are not alone in their concern and their desire to find a solution that will bring them closer together as parenting partners and ensure their family stays intact. Nobody wants to launch their kids successfully while ejecting their partner from the equation, but that is exactly what is happening.
Take a moment and consider just how many areas there are for misunderstandings between you and your partner when it comes to raising children. You are reading this book because your list is already quite long or you have some strong ideas about how you want to raise your kids. Just imagine if your spouse/partner tried to challenge these ideas? What would you do? Unfortunately, for most couples the parenting plan is a generalized conversation early on in their dating or cohabiting life, and this is all the air time this incredibly important topic gets. In fact, it might not be more than agreeing on limited screen time, established bedtimes, observing religious holidays and the use of time-outs to handle discipline problems. We shouldnāt be surprised when we run into difficulty finding the same page as our partner, let alone working from the same play book, when we havenāt spent the time flushing out all the ideas we have about what it means to be a good, loving, competent parent, let alone how we actually plan to raise respectful, responsible, kind, hardworking and polite kids.
Before a couple begins to work at decoding the mystery surrounding their difficulty in co-parenting effectively with their life partner, itās important to understand how we all got here in the first place.
Let me say now that I am not a researcher, and I havenāt spent ten years gathering data by way of scientific studies, but I can tell you that I have been working with parents exclusively for more than twenty-five years, and sometimes those of us in the trenches identify the trends long before the research supports it. Because of this I want to focus on what I believe are the three main reasons parenting with a partner is more difficult in todayās world than it was in the past.
Invitation for Dad
Until the 1950s, it was safe to say that there was one parenting expert in the home, and it was usually mom. The other parent seemed content and in some cases resigned to play his part, which might include the wait till your father gets home disciplinarian dad, the wait till daddy gets home playtime dad or the wait till dad gets home, Iām tired and I need a martini, so your father can decide if we are signing you up for little league or not dad. In fact, roles were so clearly defined that other than a few minor squabbles between parents, life was predictable, and most major decisions as well as the hundreds made between breakfast and bedtime were made by mom.
Enter the eighties and nineties, when fathers were officially invited to take a more active role in the raising of the kids and were not only expected to accept the invitation but to participate enthusiastically and with 100% commitment to the job. Anyone remember the movie Mr. Mom, which came out in 1983? Well if you missed it, Michael Keaton was initially mortified and overwhelmed at the job of being a mother, but he soon learned what all primary caregivers know. When it comes to kids, the benefits outweigh the hardships.
In 2008 when the New York Times entered the world of parenting blogs, they titled their entry āMotherlodeā and were questioning this title even then as accurately representing the parenting landscape. Eight years later they updated their blog title from āMotherlodeā to āWell Familyā to include the snapshot of todayās modern family. Now in 2016 parenting is not limited to mom and dad, but includes combinations of two mothers, two fathers, grandparents and numerous other combinations of those charged with raising kids.
My experience working with families suggests that the intention behind the invitation is often where the seed of misunderstanding and conflict began. Inviting fathers to help out meant different things to different moms. One mother explained, āI didnāt want the responsibility of a messed up kid to land squarely in my lap because I played the expert. I wanted my partnerās input on every aspect of our childās life so we could share the successes and the failures.ā For another mother, the invitation meant āan extra pair of eyes, ears and hands so we donāt leave a child or diaper bag behind, added energy and emotional support when I am running on empty and from time to time, Iād love to hear some of his ideas on where we should keep the backpacks.ā And for others, it was with trepidation and a bit of regret that they agreed to share the child-rearing responsibilities with their partner, because āthey felt like they couldnāt do anything without being criticized.ā
Herein lies the problem. Without clear expectations of what was included in the invitation, confusion erupted and with it a landscape readymade for disagreements, disappointment and discord.
Surprising or not, dads seemed to jump at the chance to become more involved in the raising of their kids. One could argue that they werenāt entirely sure what they were getting into, but I think most dads had a sense that they were missing out on some pretty yummy stuff by allowing mom to take the lead. Dad may have interpreted the invitation to mean he would be an equal partner in the raising of the kids, which included sharing not just his brawn but his brains along with his opinions, ideas and preferences and wholeheartedly believed they would be given serious consideration.
Imagine his surprise when suggestions on how best to rock a fussy infant into slumber, or how to wash the hair of a toddler in the tub, or what snack to pack for the picky preschooler were either ignored or vetoed without even the slightest consideration. And what about his ideas on bedtime, dinnertime and playtime, not to mention discipline techniques, sibling rivalry, homework habits and technology time? Were they to be discounted as irrelevant and ignored as well? One can imagine how quickly dad might swallow his ideas, solutions and thoughts after being dismissed with some regularity. By the time the kids hit the end of elementary school, it is no surprise to find Dad back on the sidelines, where there is more listening than sharing.
What a shame to have lost our partnerās ideas and perspectives when ultimately we could benefit and celebrate the fact that we have someone who is as interested and committed to the raising of our children as we areāsomeone who is willing to go out on a limb and share a new perspective that could benefit the entire family.
For mothers, inviting dads to be full partners meant that in spite of the fact that they were the ones who invested countless hours reading the books, scouring through blogs, listening to advice from everyone she knew and sifting through all that information to find the best plan for raising the kids, she would have to share the decision making with her partner. One mother confided, āI was a walking encyclopedia and I was willing to teach my partner the āproperā way to feed, burp, change, play, hold, etc., based on what I learned, but he wasnāt all that receptive. He kept saying, āIām sure there are hundreds of ways to hold, feed and burp a baby,ā and each time he said it, I would blow steam out of my ears. All that research for nothing.ā For some it was having an over eager partner who was open and willing to be ātrainedā but wanted to understand the reasoning behind each of her decisions. āHe couldnāt just do it. He had to know why we were doing it this way or that way. I just started ignoring him, which infuriated him, and truthfully, I think I really hurt his feelings by shutting him out.ā
Exasperated and confused that they couldnāt seem to work together without conflict arising, parents turned their attention to their children. They searched out a parenting coach, a class or workshop, a book or a blog post, to help them solve the ākidā problem, and believed that once that was handled, everything else would work out as well. But here is where my experience comes into play: no matter how sound the strategy is to deal with the children, it rarely works if both parents still hold the same beliefs that they started with, that got them into this predicament in the first place. And oftentimes, their ideas are in direct conflict with each other.
In many of my parenting classes, I remark that it is our best thinking that got us here, and if thatās the case, then itās time to challenge our thinking, and in this case it means helping a couple learn what it will take to come together as a unified team whose primary goal is to raise their children in an atmosphere of respect, cooperation, collaboration and support.
A Collaborative Journey
When I first started to notice the subtle shift in my coaching conversations, I went looking for resources that would help parents learn why it was important to collaborate with their partner and how to create a cohesive parenting plan if they wanted to maintain a healthy marriage and parenting partnership for the long haul. You can find any number of books, classes, workshops and support groups on the subject of co-parenting after divorce, but almost nothing on why it is important to create a cohesive parenting plan with your partner or how to create one, as a way to not only avoid divorce but enjoy the lifelong journey of co-parenting kids from infancy to adulthood. Also available to couples are thousands of articles on how to keep your marriage alive while you are in the trenches with kids, but again, these resources offered maintaining date night and being a united front rather than on how to co-parent when you each have different ideas on what is best for the kids. I was stunned at how little information is available for parents on the subject.
Jon and Jess met in college, and although they came from very different backgrounds there was an immediate connection and attraction. Jon was stable and reliable, and Jess was spontaneous and unpredictable. When they talked about parenting, they imagined a perfect blend of their personalities, idiosyncrasies and styles. They identified some of their fondest memories from childhood and committed to including these in their parenting life. When their kids were two and five years old, Jon and Jess met for the first time with a parenting coach. Jon wanted established bedtimes; Jess felt they should allow the kids to sleep when they were ready. Jess wanted more time for fun and exploration, Jon wanted to know whether he could plan anything else on a Saturday or if the entire day would be dedicated to āfamily fun.ā With new strategies in hand and a commitment to work together to implement them, life improved for a few years until both kids entered school. As time went on, it became clear that Jess and Jon were unable to co-parent on even the simplest issues. The disagreements on bedtimes and sleep turned into resentments about each other that burrowed deep and became the foundation for their daily interactions. In hopes of saving their marriage, Jon and Jess visited a marriage counselor for guidance.
Margo and Steven worked with a coupleās counselor early on in their marriage and learned valuable techniques to help them communicate better and to be more accepting and encouraging of each other. But this did nothing to improve their ability to co-parent effectively. āSteven wanted our kids to have a full social life with lots of extracurricular activities, and I thought we were pushing them too fast and too far too early. We used all the techniques we learned in counseling to work our way through this issue and in spite of our best attempts we were still at an impasse. It isnāt that he is more social, or that I donāt want the kids to be involved in life; itās that we donāt share the same attitudes or beliefs regarding this subject. Until we were able to explore our childhood experiences and pinpoint the reason we developed these very personal and specific beliefs, we were stuck. No one tells you how many issues there will be along your parenting journey. We all think that an initial conversation is enough to prepare us for co-parenting. We donāt know what we donāt know.ā
Many couples say they experience some level of success when working with a parenting coach, but itās usually a specific child related challenge that gets addressed, and so they experience positive change in this one area. And many parents report a deeper level of satisfaction and happiness in their marriage after working with a marriage professional, but this doesnāt extend into their co-parenting life. Having a strong marriage and having solid parenting strategies is not enough to successfully negotiate the tricky terrain of co-parenting with someone who has an entirely different idea on how to raise the kids.
After a couple commits the time and money in working with a parenting coach or a marriage counselor, itās tough to accept that you still canāt make your co-parenting life work. If you are already feeling discouraged about the way you are co-parenting and working with an expert doesnāt provide any relief, the discouragement can cause further damage to the marriage and the family as a whole.
With few resources available on how to work together harmoniously as a collective team, dissension grows and families are fractured. I donāt think it occurred to anyone that once dad became an equal partner in the raising of the kids, it might have been wise to take a moment and pause to consider this new family dynamic and the impact of a parenting team rather than a primary caregiver on family life. I can say without hesitation that the parents I worked and talked with did the best they could with the information they had. In some cases parents may have taken the time to communicate their desires and flush out areas where they might be in disagreement, but in many cases a quick this is going to be great, we are in this together, rah, rah attitude was all the consideration and collaboration this new dynamic was given.
In every situation that requires us to make a parenting decision there is the potential for one or both parents to be triggered and that can activate an entire range of emotions and responses. Working from different perspectives on how to raise the kids manifests as an inability to work together and make unified parenting decisions in the best interest of their children.
I firmly believe that couples are using all their available resources to help them in their co-parenting lives, but it can be difficult to accurately interpret the beliefs, attitudes and values of your partner and then merge them with yours into one clear cohesive plan without a model for communication and collaboration.
Influencing Childhood Experiences
Each one of us experienced our childhood in unique and profoundly personal ways, and through these experiences we developed a specific set of beliefs, attitudes, preferences and values. In other words, we each have our own set of goggles through which we view ourselves, others and the world around us. Each of us has our own beliefs about who we are and how we belong, what is important in life and how we want to raise our children. Often-times our goggles are blinders to the views of others, and it is difficult to see life from another perspective, especially when that other perspective is in direct opposition to ours. This is especially true when it comes to parenting. Unknowingly we begin making major life decisions during our own adolescence about the kind of parent we want to be and over time, these decisions become the beliefs that guide our every parenting decision. Imagine the complexity of parenting when there are two individuals, with not just different ideas on parenting but a set of concrete beliefs on a subject that they know little or nothing about, and who have not taken the time to flush out where they might intersect in their desires and where they undoubtedly diverge. Itās easy to see why a chain reaction of frustration, misunderstanding and anger can erupt, leaving each parent confused, misunderstood and feeling judged and unheard.
Even the parents I talked with who went beyond the initial āI donāt believe in spanking!ā; āLetās never fight in front of the kids!ā; or āI will always have your backā conversations found themselves struggling to overcome their differences and couldnāt express why they were so stuckājust that they were. Few of them could articulate where the breakdown in their marriage and parenting life was coming from and even more frustrating to them was how to get beyond it. This was true for the parents who worked with a parenting coach and/or a marriage therapist. There was initial improvement in a particular challenge with a child or in their life as a couple, but it did not address the coupleās inability to co-parent successfully. All of this can only be explained when we understand that our past childhood experiences are driving our present day parenting decisions.
Have you ever heard yourself speaking to your child and knew with alarming certainty that the words you were using were the same your parents used with you? It can be a rude awakening to realize that we are more like our parents than we first imagined, and that although we may have promised that we would never speak to our kids in a particular way, we are doing just that. It is proof, like it or not, that we are deeply influenced by our childhood experiences and why it is so important to understand how those experiences developed into beliefs, values and attitudes that influence our everyday parenting decisions. As if untangling and understanding your own childhood wasnāt confusing enough, consider that your partner has his or her own set of experiences, and along with them, the beliefs, values and attitudes which guide their parenting decisions. Itās no wonder co-parenting is challenging even when the couple has taken the time to talk about their childhood experiences. It isnāt until our children arrive that we truly begin to understand the complicated nature of co-parenting.
Recreate or Reject
Dr. Frank Walton is a renowned Adlerian psychologist whose work in the field of family dynamics is legendary. One of the significant contributions to the practice of Adlerian counseling and therapy in recent years was creation of a powerful technique known as āThe Most Memorable Observationā (see http://www.drfrankwalton.com for more details). He uses this exercise to help parents pinpoint some of the decisions they may have made during childhood t...
