For Keeps: Marriages That Last a Lifetime

Marriages That Last a Lifetime

Finnegan Alford-Cooper

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2016
• Print ISBN:
  9780765601230
• eBook ISBN:
  9781315293356
• Topic: Politics & International Relations
• Subtopic: International Relations
• Index: Politics & International Relations

Derived from the author's own survey called the Long Island Long-Term Marriage Survey, this text examines couples married 50 years or more. The survey, comprising of questionnaires and interviews, was conducted to learn what factors contributed to the longevity of marriages.

Chapter One
Methodology and Theoretical Perspectives

Introduction

The Long Island Long-Term Marriage Survey was conducted to determine what factors contribute to long-lasting marriage among a nonrandom sample population of couples married fifty or more years. Five hundred seventy-six couples returned completed questionnaires. Interviews with a subsample of 60 of the 576 survey couples focused on the spouses' stories of their lives together. Spouses had the chance to describe, in their own words, reasons for the longevity of their marriage, how their lives changed or remained the same over a lifetime of marriage, their theories about marital success and failure, and the meaning lifetime marriage has for them. This is the largest survey, to date, of couples married fifty or more years.

As Sharon Kaufman found in her research, "Old people formulate and reformulate personal and cultural symbols of their past to create a meaningful, coherent sense of self, and in the process they create a viable present" (1986, p. 14). These Long Island spouses, in relating their life stories, take particular symbols and experiences from their pasts and offer reasonable, coherent stories of how they came to be together in the present, and how they feel about it now. Themes emerge from these life stories, and the weaving together of themes and experiences creates the continuity of a lifetime. From Kaufman's perspective, "people crystallize certain experiences into themes," and these themes become central in their lives (p. 26). The sources of many of these themes lie in the sociocultural context. The background for these couples was the Depression and World War II. Themes of perseverance, endurance, acceptance and tolerance, hope, fidelity, family, and hard work emerge in nearly all the spouses' stories.

Methodology

During 1993—1994, flyers announcing the Long Island Long-Term Marriage Survey were mailed to virtually all nutrition sites and senior centers on Long Island, New York, asking for volunteer couples and giving an 800 telephone number to call for copies of the questionnaire. The Center for Creative Retirement at the Southampton campus of Long Island University, the Suffolk County Department of Aging, the Nassau County Department of Senior Citizen Affairs, and the Long Island Council of Churches assisted in the distribution of flyers and information about the study. In addition, local newspapers and radio stations announced the launching of the survey. Callers who responded to the publicity left their names, addresses, and telephone numbers on a message tape. A set of questionnaires (one for the wife and one for the husband) was mailed to each of these couples, with a self-addressed, stamped, return envelope. Over 1,400 couples requested copies of the questionnaire, and 576 successfully completed and returned the survey.

The questionnaire (see Appendix A) consisted of thirty items examining (1) overall marital happiness, (2) marital intimacy, (3) traditional attitudes to marriage, (4) reasons for marriage, (5) positive factors contributing to the success of the marriage, (6) agreement on eight basic family issues, (7) issues that caused problems in the marriage over the years, (8) methods of conflict resolution, and (9) changes in the marriage over time (with regard to sexuality; happiest and least happy times; whether spouses ever thought the marriage might not last, and if so, when). Each spouse also indicated year of marriage, age at marriage, religious affiliation, educational level, number of children, and current joint yearly income.

Survey spouses rated their marital happiness on a five-point scale, from "very happy" to "very unhappy." If the marriage was less than happy, spouses chose from a list of possible factors those they thought helped to hold the marriage together. In this study, marital intimacy is measured with seven questions: (1) the degree to which one likes one's spouse as a person (always to never); (2) whether one regards the spouse as best friend (yes or no); (3) the degree to which one feels the spouse understands him or her (always to never); and the frequency with which one (4) confides in (always to never), (5) shows affection to, (6) says "I love you" to, and (7) laughs with one's spouse (the last three from every day to never). Traditional attitudes toward marriage are measured by how strongly one agrees that (1) marriage is a sacred obligation and (2) marriage is a long-term commitment (very strongly agree to very strongly disagree), and by answering yes or no to the statement (3) "fidelity is essential to a successful marriage."

To achieve some comparability with other studies of long-term marriage, several survey questions were drawn directly from earlier studies. In particular, questions concerning spouse as best friend, liking one's spouse, thinking one's spouse has grown more interesting over time, defining marriage as a long-term commitment, and defining marriage as a sacred obligation were all taken from Lauer and Lauer's long-term marriage questionnaire (Lauer and Lauer 1986; Lauer, Lauer, and Kerr 1990). Questions regarding agreement on major family issues: family finances; recreation; religion; sexual activity; aims or goals in life; amount of time spent together; career decisions; division of household tasks; and how often one confides in, shows affection to, and laughs with one's spouse were taken from Spanier and Filsinger's Dyadic Adjustment Scale (1983). Questions about positive factors contributing to the success of the marriage (mutual respect, trust, good communication, children, mutual need, compatibility, and loving relationship), methods of conflict resolution (avoidance of the issue, communication, and compromise), and the happiest time of the marriage were taken from Stinnett, Carter, and Montgomery's Marital Need Satisfaction Scale (1972). Other research that stimulated survey and interview questions includes Locke and Wallace's Marital Inventory (1959); Spanier, Lewis, and Cole (1975); and Sporakowski and Houghston (1978). (See Appendix A for the complete Long Island survey.) Pearson's chi-square was used for all correlations.

Over 250 couples who were interested in follow-up interviews wrote their names, addresses, and telephone numbers on the questionnaires they returned. A random subsample of sixty of these survey couples participated in follow-up, in-depth interviews lasting from two to three hours, usually conducted in the couple's home, during 1994-1995. Forty-five of the sixty couples were interviewed together for the first half of the time, and then separately by same-sex interviewers (the researcher and graduate-student assistants). Fifteen couples were interviewed together for the entire time by the researcher and graduate assistants. Questions reviewed the spouses' lives together: how they met and married; the marriages of their parents, brothers and sisters, and children; the early years together, before and after the children were born; their expectations about marriage, then and now; the best and worst times of their married lives; day-to-day life in the later years; causes of conflict in the marriage and methods of resolving those conflicts; and the couple's advice on marriage. (See Appendix B for the interview format.) All interviews were tape-recorded, duplicated, transcribed, and archived.

The focus of this book is on the spouses' definitions and descriptions of their married lives. Whether or not the memories are, in fact, historically accurate and objectively verifiable is not the issue. What is important is, after spending a lifetime together, how did these older adults conceptualize the relationship they had, the family they created, and their lives now? How do they explain their marital longevity?

Other Research on Long-Term Marriage

Many studies of long-term marriage, including the Long Island Long-Term Marriage Survey, have found that particular interpersonal skills and characteristics and emotional commitment are significant factors in maintaining a marriage over many years. Lauer and Lauer's study of long-term marriage (1986) found that the happiest couples are friends who share lives and are compatible in interests and values. Other factors that contribute to marital longevity are commitment, agreement on life goals, laughing together, and an ability to resolve conflict. Stinnett and Sauer (1977) concluded that strong families are characterized by shared quality time, good communication, commitment to the family, some sort of religious orientation, and an ability to negotiate conflicts. Stinnett, Carter, and Montgomery (1972) also found mutual respect and trust to be characteristic of successful marriages. Results from the Long Island Long-Term Marriage Survey support all of this research.

The results of the Long Island Long-Term Marriage Survey also add support to Ade-Ridder's (1989) and Brubaker's (1985) conclusions about long-term marriage. They, too, found that mutual sharing and companionship are important for couples in long-term marriages. The present research substantiates Cole's conclusions (1984). Marriage in the later years can be an important resource for an individual's personal development over the life course. Cole discussed research data showing that happily married, partner-centered couples adjust well to retirement, and communicate and resolve conflicts in a nondestructive manner. They generally support and cushion each other against the assaults of life. The Mortons, profiled in the Prologue to this book, are an example. Cole (ibid.) also pointed out that many unhappy couples go through the marriage performing the routine instrumental tasks and activities. They fulfill their roles, but without intimate involvement with one another or the relationship. Children often become the sole focus of women, and men devote themselves to careers or avocations. Cole called these interests "safety valves," acceptable alternative attractions (ibid.). The Raglins (also profiled in the Prologue) are an example of this type, although Mrs. Raglin focused on school and work instead of children.

The Long Island Long-Term Marriage Survey provides further evidence of the importance of commitment, compatibility, love, and companionship in long-lasting marriages. Roberts's research demonstrated that independence, commitment, companionship, and caring are the most important factors in creating marital longevity (1979-1980). Rowe and Meredith's research had similar results (1982). The most important reasons for marital longevity in their sample population are love, children, companionship, commitment, compatibility, spouse's attributes, and financial security. Both commitment and companionship grow more important the longer a couple is married.

Just as Wallerstem and Blakeslee (1995) found in their study of good marriages, the more happily married Long Island couples have a "give-and-take" attitude, a willingness to sacrifice for each other. They define their marriage as a creation that has taken hard work, dedication, and commitment. Both Wallerstein and Blakeslee's study and the present study examine the effects of social change (i.e., in the economy, social values, and norms) on marriages. Unlike the Wallerstein and Blakeslee study, the Long Island Long-Term Marriage Survey found that husbands and wives had some different definitions and experiences of their marriage. Most important, husbands have more positive views of the marriage than do wives, overall.

There is no consensus on whether marital satisfaction increases, decreases, or remains the same over the marriage. Swenson, Eskew, and Kohlhepp (1981, 1989) found that expressions of love decreased over the life cycle. Herman (1994) found no age-related differences in overall marital satisfaction. In his sample, couples who report declining satisfaction most often report the sources of dissatisfaction to be sexual activity, communication, and the time spent together. The results of the Long Island survey support Herman's conclusions and suggest that expressions of love and intimacy do change, but do not necessarily decrease over the life cycle. The current research also suggests that some aspects of marital satisfaction may decrease during the middle child-rearing years, but this does not necessarily mean spouses are unhappy with each other or the marriage. It may simply reflect a predictable increase in role demands and less time available for the relationship, a stress overload that will diminish in time.

The Long Island Long-Term Marriage Survey is a significant contribution to marital longevity research, because, first, no other study has used such a large survey sample coupled with so many in-depth interviews. The interviews allowed the spouses to tell their life stories and to contrast their own marriages with those of younger generations, adding an intergenerational comparative component. The married couples give their perspectives on the rising divorce rate generally, and the divorces of their own children. Second, few studies of long-term marriage focus exclusively on marriage in later life. Researchers sometimes define long-term marriage as fifteen years or more, resulting in sample populations that are younger. Third, the results of this research suggest that different norms, values, and sources of social support regarding marriage may make long-term marriage more difficult to maintain now and in the future.

Theoretical Perspectives

This research relies on three major theoretical perspectives: symbolic interaction, the life course perspective, and Atchley's continuity theory (Atchley 1994, 1996). These three theoretical perspectives share three assumptions and propositions about the individual in society. First, all three theoretical perspectives examine changing definitions of the situation over time and from place to place. Every society, at any particular time, is characterized by different norms, values, and beliefs (a worldview) that specify how reality is defined and perceived by that group of people. Second, members of society are socialized to the norms, values, and beliefs of the particular culture at a specific point in time. Third, the theories assume that individuals are active participants in their social world, that there is an ongoing feedback between an individual and his or her social environment. Each has the potential to change the other, to influence subsequent definitions and behaviors. Within the larger cultural framework, norms, values, and beliefs change over time as people create new meaning and redefine situations and relationships. Husbands and wives actively create their marriages as they interact together over time within a particular sociohistorical context.

Symbolic Interaction Theory and Marital Relationships

To understand how marriage lasts a lifetime, we have to understand the meanings that spouses have given to their marital experiences, the ways in which they have defined their partners and their lives together. People define and give meaning to the world around them through interaction with others (Klein and White 1996). According to Berger and Kellner (1992), when people marry they merge biographies, so that couples not only share experiences but also share a common way of explaining those experiences. According to this theory, marriage is a unique kind of validating relationship: "the crucial nomic instrumentality in our society" ("Nomos" is a sense of order and belonging, the opposite of anomie, ibid., p. 166). Through marriage, two individuals come together, interact, and redefine themselves. Marriage is one of the most significant of the social relationships that create order and meaning in a person's life. Every individual needs his or her sense of self and place in the world to be validated by his or her significant others, so that life can "make sense." When people have no significant others to provide feedback, to share in the social construction of reality, anomie is the result (ibid.).

Berger and Kellner suggest that the best way to examine a person's relationship with others is as "an ongoing conversation," a dialectical relationship (ibid., p. 167). Each partner is offering his or her definition of the situation, and the other is reacting, responding, reshaping or reinforcing that definition, usually many times. Eveiy conversation validates the definition of reality these spouses share. Definitions can be taken for granted and remain unquestioned, or the conversations can provide contexts for change as circumstances change. Berger and Kellner suggest that one, literally, "converses one's way through life" (ibid.). A sense of reality is maintained through conversation with significant others. This is not to say that other realities do not exist for each individual (i.e., his and her versions of the marriage).

According to Berger and Kellner, marriage creates a "nomic rupture," a rip in the sense of order and belonging for each marriage partner in all their other relationships. Marriage requires redefining the self in relation to the spouse, and to children, in-laws, and a whole host of significant others through a lifetime (ibid., p. 169). The married person sees his or her former relationships differently simply by being in a different reality-making dyad, and experiences a shift or change in his or her own identity. The couple makes new friends; new definitions of self evolve; and a new subjective reality is created through the institution of marriage, giving each partner a sense of order and belonging in the world.

People not only actively create the present. Berger and Kellner maintain that married couples can recreate and redefine their pasts in several ways (ibid.). First, sometimes a spouse's past story has been told and retold so many times that the partner knows it as well as the person who experienced the event. Many interviewed spouses retold stories of their partner's youths before they knew each other. Second, partners may not tell everything about their pasts, and thus may recreate themselves to better fit with their partners' definition of them. Third, they may Team to reinterpret their pasts from a different perspective, and thus may redefine themselves. Berger and Kellner argue that people do not recognize this nomic process, and the reality they create is perceived as "discovery" of each other and themselves. As couples talk over situations, their perceptions become real and valid to each other.

Somehow married partners have to reach some common conversation, some consensus on the definition of reality in order to continue the conversation, and thus, the relationship. When people are ambivalent or unclear, they talk it out until some common meaning can be accepted. They may agree to disagree, and this disagreement then becomes the common definition of reality. This constant conversation through which the world is defined and experienced can lead to a stable, common objective sense of reality (ibid., p. 171). Every time one's beliefs or attitudes are validated and reinforced by significant others, they become even more real, more acceptable, more "objective." The marital conversation expands into a family conversation when children are born, and with more people sharing the same definitions of reality, the family perspective on the world, and on each other, becomes even more real and valid.

The future is also defined together by marital partners. By making certain choices they forego others, and in a sense, the horizon of the future narrows. There is a "stabilization," affecting each partner's sense of present and future reality (ibid., p. 172). All things become no longer possible as one begins to actively make life choices—to marry, to have children, to choose one career over another. The perspective on the "self' grows more stable over time too. This is related to the concept of the "looking glass self," and learning to see oneself as others see us (Cooley 1922). We learn to define and experience ourselves as we think our significant others see us, define us, and experience us. We interpret other people's reactions to us, and we react on the basis of our interpretations, our definitions of the situation. After a marriage of fifty or more years, there are not only shared definitions, but a full lexicon with idioms and slang. The senses of continuity and stability and a certain character of reality are well established. However, this self-definition and the meaning given to a marriage by both partners is not necessarily positive, and stable, long-term marriages are not necessarily happy.

The family can be viewed from two different perspectives: from the inside, using the perspective of the family members themselves, and from the outside, using cultural norms and values to evaluate family members' role performances. Social roles are expectations for be...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Half Title
• Title
• Copyright
• Dedication
• Contents
• List of Tables
• Preface
• Acknowledgments
• Prologue
• Chapter One: Methodology and Theoretical Perspectives
• Chapter Two: Social and Historical Backgrounds
• Chapter Three: Meeting and Marrying
• Chapter Four: Having Children
• Chapter Five: Conflict and Resolution
• Chapter Six: His or Her Marriage
• Chapter Seven: Making a Marriage Last
• Chapter Eight: The Golden Years
• Chapter Nine: Till Death Do Us Part
• Conclusion
• Appendix A: Long Island Long-Term Marriage Questionnaire
• Appendix B: Long Island Long-Term Marriage Survey: Interview Questions
• Bibliography
• Index