Working with Co-Parents

A Manual for Therapists

Mary L. Jeppsen

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2017
• Topic: Psychology
• eBook ISBN:
  9781315283470
• Subtopic: Mental Health in Psychology
• Index: Psychology

Working with Co-Parents is a practical manual for therapists and social workers who work with divorced and/or separated parents of children. Unique among other books that focus on therapy with the parents individually, the author's model brings the divorced couple together to help them understand their child's experience and to assist them in developing a road to constructive co-parenting. This manual also includes illustrative case vignettes, session outlines and handouts, and homework reflection questions. Therapists and counselors will learn tools and interventions that they can apply immediately and effectively to their work with divorced couples.

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1 This Is Not Post-Divorce Therapy

In the first session we set the stage for providing a safe place for the couple to work through their parenting differences and lay a foundation for the development of a workable parenting plan. There should be an emphasis on the fact that they will be parenting together until either they or their children die. In most cases this is over 30 years. In those 30 some years there will be countless family celebrations and gatherings where they will have to be side by side. There will be weddings, graduations, funerals, births, concerts, award ceremonies, and sporting events, not to mention funerals and regular holidays and birthdays. (Many couples opt to celebrate children’s birthdays together, at least in the early years after a divorce, if the children are younger.) I usually give the example of a young couple that is in a quandary because they are in love, ready to get married, and afraid to invite their parents for fear of a scene. The couple needs to get a vision for the fact that this co-parenting is a lifelong process and that divorce didn’t negate this responsibility. If anything, divorce makes the process of parenting more difficult.

It is important that the therapist realize how challenging this situation may be for the couple. They may have had a contentious divorce, which may have been followed by years of litigation and contention regarding the children. (Often couples are court-ordered to come to me after they have been divorced for years, and litigated intermittently throughout those years.) Particularly in court-ordered situations, both parties may have a long history of negative interactions. These interactions may have been fraught with contention and bitterness. They may be embroiled in litigation presently, fighting for custody of the child/children. They may not have been in the same room since their divorce was finalized. Or they may be in the throes of divorce proceedings and there may be a world of hurt between them. In few cases there may be a history of emotional and/or physical abuse. (If these cases are not corroborated by the court, this fact does not negate a person’s personal experience.) In short, this is a really hard thing for them to do. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to come into a therapist’s office with an ex-spouse, especially if it is court-ordered.

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The first session is an opportunity for the therapist to allay fears and set ground rules so that the couple can actually get to work. It is also a session where the therapist begins to affirm both parents and commend them for the courageous act of coming to co-parenting. It is essential to remember that these clients are uncomfortable and frightened. If they are in litigation they may be very wary of you as a therapist, and they may wonder if what they say might be used against them. They may be frightened that abuse will happen in your therapy room, and that they will not be protected. So, there is a lot to be careful with and sensitive to as a therapist.

First, ground rules for the therapy must be set. The couple needs to be informed of the sequence of the sessions and what will be expected of them. They need to know that there are four psycho-educational sessions aimed at educating them about divorce and its effects upon them and their children. They need to know that they will not be expected to really interact in the first four sessions, and that you will be talking to them and discussion will be limited. This format gives the couple some time and experience to feel the safety of space that you have created. This four-session hiatus on discussion allows the couple to begin to get used to being in the same room without arguing or being threatened. Many couples will ask if they can see you individually first. I have a policy that I will not do this until the psycho-educational sessions are finished. The reason for this is that during the first four sessions they will be taught and challenged to change their stance toward each other, and if they meet with me individually sooner, they will only air their grievances and it will not necessarily be helpful. The first four sessions give a backdrop to their relationship with each other, and often soften parents’ attitudes toward one another. These first four sessions provide an example of what it is like to be safe with each other. Discussion is very limited and I maintain control of these sessions to assure emotional safety for all.

It is essential to begin with “informed consent”. Confidentiality and neutrality must be discussed. I make a point of saying that I am not on either side, and that I am there for their children, to help them be the best parents they can be considering their situations. The focus of the therapy process is on developing a good and workable co-parenting relationship, which can be sustained for years. It is important that you share any personal history of divorce and co-parenting or that you have working with children of divorce or divorced couples. In any case, it is important to use your own experience and “heart” to win the couple over to the therapeutic process. These people are not coming as “normal” clients do, to hopefully find someone they can trust and who will help them. Instead, they are coming with mistrust and a healthy cynicism about what may or may not happen. Whatever distrust they have for their ex-spouse will be projected in the therapy room. This is not something that needs to be dealt with face on. Rather, be aware and realize that it will hopefully dissipate as we process co-parenting. So, initially, the process should be outlined as a number of psycho-educational sessions (four), individual sessions (one each), and sessions where a practical co-parenting plan is authored by the parental dyad (one to four, depending on the couple), and a family session focused on reconciliation. I emphasize that the first four sessions are designed to include very limited discussion, if any. And I assure them that before we begin the co-parenting plan creation, they will have an individual session where they can share their concerns personally with me. You are giving the couple an overview of what this will look like. This will allay their fears to a certain extent.

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The first proclamation in this process is that co-parenting therapy is NOT post-divorce therapy. Express that your expectations are not to make another marriage, but rather to help the couple learn to parent together. These people are being asked by the court, or by their own situations, to do the most difficult task imaginable, parenting, with someone that they have lost love and trust with. What a scary journey! Being in your office may be a definitive act of courage, which speaks volumes as to their love for their children. And this is your focal point: Their love for their children. The therapist focal point is “the benefit of the children”. This will be revisited over and over again.

Begin the first session with a genogram or timeline of their relationship. You want a bird’s-eye view of the situation in which these people are attempting to parent. This genogram also refers to the shared history of the couple, which will lend insight into the major issues of any brokenness in the co-parenting relationship. You also need to know the outside influences and challenges that will affect/have affected the parenting process. This should include how many years they have been married, previous marriages, how they met, how many children (ages, grades, situations), other children from other marriages, grandparent relationships and how involved they are with the children, any exposure to domestic violence and/or addictions, and who else is involved (relatives, step-parents, and significant others). You will want to know the present custody arrangement. If at all possible, having a copy of the court documents pertaining to divorce and custody will help you to understand the situation. You will also want to ask if they are presently litigating and what outcomes they hope for. Although this is a somewhat sensitive question if couples are in the midst of a current litigation, it is helpful to recognize the elephant in the room, and acknowledge it. At this point I also point out the difference between the role of a lawyer, which is to help them win their case, and my role, which is to help them to come to a conclusion together. I emphasize the importance of their lawyer’s protective role in a legal action, and I reiterate that I am not taking sides, and that they will do well to work together. I often point out that if they have litigated more than once, they have spent their child’s education. I also point out that litigation takes on a persona of its own, and often makes the animosity between co-parents worse. I warn them to be protected by their counsel without becoming more acrimonious.

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It is important to note that as a co-parenting therapist your stance must be neutral. You cannot take sides, although you may be sorely tempted at times. Both members of the parental dyad must feel safe with you. This is a difficult task because often co-parents come to your office because they have been court-ordered or because they want to use you in their particular agenda. It is often a minefield. Also, therapists, as in any type of therapy, have to face their own countertransference issues. Personalities and personal experiences can all contribute to our reactions. It is important to maintain an open stance toward each parent. In the first session I openly ask the couple how they communicate and how they are getting along. Often they tell me that they are not getting along, or that they only communicate by text or phone or e-mail. It should be noted that more often than not, in high-conflict divorce situations, one parent will accuse the other of being a narcissist. The only diagnosis that should be taken seriously and addressed is a diagnosis shared by a psychologist who has evaluated the individuals. Terms like bipolar and narcissist are common by-words used by non-professionals. Releases of information should be obtained to gain insight from the children’s therapists, ad litem attorneys, and psychologists and counselors who are familiar with your clients. These may be helpful to assist in developing a supportive perspective toward your clients.

After getting a thorough history, there are several essential points to communicate. These should be covered in the first session after obtaining a history and genogram. First you set the stage by being empathetic with their loss. Educate them that divorce is a great loss. Encourage them to grieve. One cannot parent effectively after divorce until the co-parent has allowed him/herself to grieve over his or her own losses resultant from the divorce. When divorce happens, even if it is a divorce that each parent agrees with and feels is necessary, there are great losses. Parents may lose property and things. They lose the dream that they would make a life with, and grow old with, the partner. They may lose friends who often scatter due to being uncomfortable. They may lose their home. They may lose a friend and lover. But the greatest loss, which is often not addressed, is the loss of their right to see and be with their child every day of their life. When they divorce they willingly give up time with their child, no matter what the custody arrangement is and no matter who has “primary custody”. This is the painful truth that they are confronted with in co-parenting therapy. This is where bitterness, anger, fear, and mistrust crop up. It is essential to express to the couple that unless they allow themselves to grieve through their losses, resentment and anger will leak into their parenting and this will be destructive to their children. Divorced people can carry anger and resentment and hurt even if they have moved on to new relationships. It is important to note this and to encourage each parent to seek their own counsel and comfort for these issues. Professional and non-professional help can be therapeutic, as long as the parent has allowed him/herself to grieve. I emphasize that grief is the doorway to moving on from the pain and hurt of divorce to developing a new life.

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The second point which is made is that their child/children have only one mother and one father and that is them. I point out that the children may have wonderful role models in aunts and uncles and grandparents and step-parents, but they are the only biological parents that the children have. In cases of adoption I emphasize that they are the parents responsible for the child/children. Because of this, it is important they cultivate a healthy respect for each other in this position. I point out that they cannot parent the child/children alone. They are the most important people in their children’s lives, and they are essential to their growth and wellbeing. Their children need them both. And whether or not they like it, they will be parenting these children together for their whole lives. They simply cannot negate the fact that having children ties them inextricably together for the rest of their lives. So, it is essential that they develop the ability to appreciate each other in the parenting role. Dad must respect Mom in all of her “Mom” wisdom. And Mom must respect Dad in all of his “Dad” wisdom. I point to Mom and state that she has Mom wisdom and understanding, and I point to Dad and state that he has Dad wisdom and understanding for the child/children. It is possible that either parent may actually be an insensitive or bad parent. But the fact is that they are a parent to the child/children and they do have some creative voice in the parenting process, no matter how they have failed in the past. I emphasize that this respect for the other is based on the person’s position in the child’s life, that of mother or father, not on good character or successful choices. In addition, the child needs to recognize this mutual respect for his or her own successful development. The fact is that when most couples seek this therapy they have no respect for each other in any area. It is likely that one or the other has had a track record of earning the opposite of respect from their ex-spouse. Co-parenting therapy will hopefully change this course and assist the parents in separating their own issues with each other from their parenting practices. In this session I introduce the concept of emotional neutrality. After the grieving process it is possible for these people to pull away emotionally and begin to develop mutual respect.

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That leads into the next point. Co-parents are charged with responsibility for the safety and security of their children. Divorce disrupts a very basic secure base, which the child has depended upon, perhaps foryears. When parents separate and divorce, changing the landscape of the child’s home and life, the once known secure base is altered immeasurably. The child’s “normal” changes completely. Even if the marriage of the parents was not ideal and the child was exposed to fighting or animosity, that was the child’s secure base, the only secure base that the child has known. Separation and divorce shift reality for the child, and for a time, that child is left hanging without a secure base, wondering where he/she belongs and where he/she can rest. Often the child will gravitate toward school, favorite coaches and teachers, friends and their families. All of this is an effort to re-invent security. Especially in an acrimonious divorce, the children are challenged to find security elsewhere. Here we introduce the idea that it is the co-parents’ responsibility to provide safety and security for their children and to define what this looks like for them. Figure 1.1 shows a series of three sets of circles. The first set depicts a safe and secure family. Two rings intertwine like a Venn diagram with parents and children depicted. This is what children perceive as safe and secure: Mom and Dad in the home and everyone emotio...

Table of contents

• Cover Page
• Working with Co-Parents: A Manual for Therapists
• Title
• Copright
• Contents
• Acknowledgments
• Introduction
• Skillset Required for the Work
• How to Use This Book
• 1 This Is Not Post-Divorce Therapy
• 2 It’s About the Children Now
• 3 The Games We Play
• 4 Out of Conflict into Compromise
• 5 Including Step-Parents in the Process
• 6 Each Parent Needs a Voice
• 7 Developing the Co-Parenting Plan
• 8 The Final Family Session
• 9 Therapeutic and Ethical Challenges
• Further Study
• Bibliography
• Index