Sell Your Own Damn Movie!

Lloyd Kaufman, Sara Antill

• Publisher: Routledge
• Year: 2012
• Print ISBN: 9780240815206
• eBook ISBN: 9781136040337
• Topic: Media & Performing Arts
• Subtopic: Film & Video

This is the 3rd volume in Mr. Kaufman's hilarious, how-to series for hard-working self-starters and hard-laughing, cheeky filmmakers. "Sell Your Own Damn Movie!" covers everything you need to do to get your finished film seen by festival-goers, movie-goers, DVD-buyers and web-goers around the world. You will be lead through a primer on the history of film distribution to a discussion of the many ways you can get your film out there, either through a reputable distributor or all on your own. From the realities of distribution, to utilizing the internet to self-distribution, Mr. Kaufman tells you in his habitually lucid and off-the-wall way. Inserts include interviews and pointers from veteran distribution pros as well as directors and producers who share their own front-line stories. Mr. Kaufman recounts his own raucous stories of marketing pleasures and nightmares from 35 years of movie-making experience, creating a uniquely useful and entertaining read.

Or, in Lloyd's inimitable words.

The most asked question at my worldwide popular, legendary, renowned master class is, "How do I get my no-budget, zombie giraffe flick distributed?†Well, have no fear, because the 3rd volume in Uncle Lloydie's how-to series of go-to guides for filmmakers reveals the secrets, methods and tricks (short of prostituting yourself and selling bodily organs) to getting your film distributed. With Troma, our legendary 35-year-old independent studio, Michael Herz and I have developed a low cost, high-impact method for low-budget film distribution, which has lead to a high-profile brand name and a catalog of over 800 titles! Now you can learn to get you movie out there, too. I will be your busty tour guide, sharing with you my hard-earned cinematic distribution know-how!

-LEARN! How I achieved box office success with my fowl chicken zombie masterpiece Poultrygeist, and everyone's favorite super-human hero from New Jersey, the Toxic Avenger, for practically no money!

-SMELL! The sewer that is mainstream distribution as I drag you through the muck, be-farting upon you the real scoop behind "indie†and mainstream distribution deals.

-MASTICATE! (No, not that kind of masticating) On the knowledge of DVD distribution as I es-chew the fat and get to the skinny of Do-It-Yourself DVD distribution. I will teach you the fundamentals of having a good website (like www.Troma.com) to boost your sales!

-FEAST! On my golden brown chicken puns as I cleverly cluck your brain out with the irrefutable knowledge of how I sold over 10,000 units of the 3-disc limited-edition Poultrygeist DVD in a matter of months!

YES! If you have any doubt that I will not be able turn your no-budget zombie giraffe opus into box-office gold, then put down this book proposal! No wait, pick it back up, pick it back up! This is a recession damnit, Troma needs all the money we can, er... I need to educate you filmmakers looking for distribution gold (brown)! After reading my book, any damn filmmaker will be able to "Sell Your Own Damn Movie!†

Featuring expert advice from those who have successfully sold their films:

* David Cronenberg (Director of The Fly, Crash, A History of Violence)
* Oren Peli (Director/Producer of Paranormal Activity)
* Ted Hope (Producer of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, In the Bedroom, Happiness)
* Brad Kembel (Executive Vice President of International Distribution at Summit Films; Twilight)
* James Gunn (Writer/Director of Super, Dawn of the Dead, Slither)
* Jonathan Wolf (Executive Vice President, Independent Film and Television Alliance and Managing Director, American Film Market)
... and many more who have sold their own damn movies!

Chapter | one

A History of Film Distribution, 10,000 B.C.–Present

It is impossible to understand the intricacies of how to sell a movie today without understanding how the film industry has developed and changed over the past several decades. And because the history of film distribution is so directly tied to the development of the film industry itself, I thought it might be a good idea to start at the beginning. And so here, gleaned from my studies of Chinese civilization at Yale in the 1960s, is a short history of the world, by Lloyd Kaufman.

A few thousand years ago, God created the heavens, the earth, and, most important, the Chinese. And God so loved the Chinese that he gave them the divine privilege of inventing the motion picture. That’s right, friends—the most important invention of our time was actually developed by the Chinese thousands of years ago. It all began early in the fifth century B.C. when a young, hairless Chinese boy by the name of Sam Levine was born in a manger in Shanghai. There weren’t many Levines in Shanghai, however, and young Sam was better known by the nickname Mo-Ti. What the hell Mo-Ti means, I have no idea. I can only assume the moronic nickname came about because he was a very thirsty child, and everyone knows that Chinese people love tea. My mother used to call me Mo-Popov, so who am I to judge?

Alas, as little Mo-Ti grew up in the slums of Shanghai, he began to notice something strange. Using careful observation, Mo-Ti noticed that when light shined through a small hole in a wall, the image of whatever was in front of that light would be projected, upside down, on the opposite wall. Now, I bet you are scratching your head out there and thinking, “Wha??” But you see, Mo-Ti was a smart little guy, and what he discovered that fateful day would change history in ways that no one could have guessed. Using what he saw, Mo-Ti began to understand properties of light and accurately described a “camera obscura,” which everyone knows is a rare type of obscure Chinese camera.

Now, from this revelation, it was a simple step from still camera to motion picture camera, and Mo-Ti and his Chinese brothers took that step boldly, inventing the modern 35mm film camera in 476 B.C. With this intellectual leap, Chinese society was thrust out of the Dark Ages and into an enlightened period that we now call the Renaissance. When Chinese travelers to Europe first showed the ignorant natives their films, the Europeans were amazed. Word of the magical Chinese moving pictures spread across the land. The Last Temptation of Toxie: The Toxic Avenger Part III became a particular favorite of the Gauls, while the Romans preferred lighter fare such as The Wedding Party, staring Robert De Niro’s great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Silas De Niro.¹ The slow-witted Europeans quickly came to worship the Chinese as gods, which kind of pissed off the real God who had created the Chinese in the first place, but at that point, there was really nothing he could do about it. With Europe, and later the rest of the world, conquered without bloodshed, humanity entered the Golden Millenia, a period of peace and brotherly love that has lasted for more than 2500 years, right up to the modern day, so named because Chinese people like the color gold. All hail Mo-Ti, our lord and savior.

But, of course, none of this really happened. It did get me a D in Chinese History and Culture 1011. I was able to graduate, however, so it can’t be completely untrue. Maybe I should have spent more time studying for my Chinese classes instead of watching movies and frolicking naked with Thomas, my roommate. But then I wouldn’t be the distinguished and respected film director that I am today, so there’s an upside to everything.

There was, in fact, some guy named Mo-Ti who looked in a glory hole and saw an upside-down image on the other side. And anyone who can look in a glory hole and be more interested in the properties of light than the three-inch penis on the other side deserves more than a passing mention here. But unfortunately, there was never any leap from theoretical camera to motion-picture camera, and poor little Sam “Mo-Ti” Levine died, penniless, after choking on some egg foo young. And so it is written.²

FIGURE 1.1 This Troma booth at Australia’s Armageddon Expo was decorated by Toxie himself. All the Aussies said it was a real kick in the “Aborigi-knees”!

For the next 2200 years or so, nothing much happened. Some buildings were built, some people were born, some people were killed. Zoos were created for the entertainment of the rich, Haiti made a pact with the devil, and lots of Indians were murdered with smallpox blankets. I mean, this was really uninteresting stuff, and I feel like, even in this short paragraph, I have already devoted too much time to it.

And then, finally, after a long period of worthless pursuits, someone decided that the world was kind of a drag. That someone was Thomas Edison, inventor extraordinaire. And so, he started inventing a shit-ton³ of stuff like light bulbs and phonographs and disposable underwear. The guy was a genius! You know why? It wasn’t because he invented stuff like shoelaces and mochaccinos. It was because he paid other people to invent things and then he put his name on them⁴ and applied for the patents. And once he had the patent, he got all the money. So, of course, Edison was mafia-like with his patents. He was the James Cameron of his day! Which actually makes his invention of the Kinetoscope all the more interesting. Let’s get it out of the way up front that Edison did not actually invent the Kinetoscope, which is Greek for “magic box that you can watch porno clips in.” But he put his famous name on the patent and that’s all that really matters. That is, he put his name on the U.S. patent. For some bewildering reason, unbeknownst to me or www.edisonfunfactsforkids.com where I am getting the bulk of this information, Edison neglected to get an international patent for his one-man proto-film projector. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “Wow, that Edison guy was a real dummy! How did he ever manage to invent Cadbury Eggs and umbrellas?” But you would be wrong. Cadbury Eggs weren’t even invented in America. I would think if you, dear reader, were an expert in anything, it would be Easter chocolate. I mean, as a self-loathing Jew, even I know a little something about Easter food. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed in you.

Regardless of his reasons, the fact that Edison had no legal claim on the Kinetoscope in any place other than the United States was actually a boon⁵ to the motion picture industry that was about to be born. This freedom meant that other people, some of them even smarter and more passionate about film than Edison, were able to tinker and improve on Edison’s invention. What began as one dude paying 25¢ to jerk off to Annabelle Whitford Moore’s Butterfly Dance became hundreds of people at a time paying $12.50 to jerk off to Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. See how great technology is?

WE’RE GOING TO THE JERSEY SHORE, BITCH!

Here’s a fun fact for you: Do you happen to know where Thomas Edison, the grandfather of the film industry, chose to build his empire? New Jersey! Not New York or Los Angeles, but lovely New Jersey. His state-of-the-art film studio, the Black Maria, stood on what is today Toxie’s shack. In fact, Michael Herz and I had such great respect for Thomas Edison that we decided to establish our own empire of Tromaville in New Jersey. It wasn’t because we liked the smell of garbage and despair or because stuff is cheaper over there. Certainly not! It was because we wanted to honor the proud history and legacy of Thomas Edison. Being able to claim Snooki was just a bonus! Forget Los Angeles—New Jersey is where it’s at, bitches.

Now that I think about it, however, Thomas Edison was kind of a dick. As the inventor of the modern power grid, he electrocuted animals to prove that AC current was more dangerous than the DC current that he was selling.⁶ He also founded the company that would become General Electric, which became a megaconglomerate corporation that seeks to control all media, even the stuff that no one pays attention to, like NBC. And NBC fired Conan O’Brien, who is fantastic. So you know what? On second thought, fuck Thomas Edison too.

Once motion picture cameras and projectors were invented, it was only natural that buildings would spring up to display these amazing marvels called movies. And thus, the movie theater was born. At first, anyone could own a movie theater. All you needed was a little cash and some gumption. There weren’t very many movies to play, so it may not have been the best business investment, but you could do it. When the major studios started coming up, they wanted to get in on the action, so they bought their own theaters. This vertical integration was absolutely perfect—the big studios owned the talent on the screen, the costume and set designers, the costumes and sets themselves, the cameras, the editing equipment, the editors, the cafeterias, the musicians, the press relations, and, finally, the theaters. Now, at this point, keep in mind that most people could not go out and make their own damn movie. There were no small, cheap cameras like there are today, and there were no computers on which to edit. So the major studios made all the movies, and then they showed them in the theaters that they owned. It just sucked for anyone else who owned a theater or anyone who didn’t want to work for the studio boss. You know who else didn’t like it? The U.S. government. Apparently, it was illegal.

FIGURE 1.2 Class of Nuke ’Em High plays at a midnight screening h...

Table of contents

• Cover
• Halftitle
• Title
• Copyright
• Contents
• Dedication
• A Special Thank You
• Acknowledgments
• Foreword
• Introduction: Why Jay Leno Hates You
• Chapter 1: A History of Film Distribution, 10,000 B.C.–Present
• Bonus Chapter: Make Your Own Damn Flowchart
• Chapter 2: Theatrical Distribution: My Preferred Method of Release, Other Than Autoerotic Asphyxiation
• Chapter 3: Piracy Is Good. Long Live Pirates. Yarrr.
• Chapter 4: Look at Me! How to Make People Want to See Your Movie, Part I
• Bonus Chapter:Putting the “Miss” in Mismarketing: Five Good Movies That Poor Marketing Almost Ruined
• Chapter 5: I Said Look at Me! How to Make People Want to See Your Movie, Part II, or Probably the Most Important Chapter in the Book (after the One about Thomas Jefferson and Pirates)
• Chapter 6: Film Festival Survival Guide, Part 6A, Section B17
• Chapter 7: A Short Chapter about Short Films (and Short People)
• Chapter 8: Mo’ Distribution, Mo’ Problems
• Chapter 9: Foreign Agents, and Other Things up My Ass
• Epilogue
• Appendix A: Lloyd’s Best-of the-Best Guide to Film Festivals
• Appendix B: Special (Non) Pullout Section of Five Decades of Troma Poster Art (in Glorious Black and White Because My Publisher Says Color Is Too Expensive for a Book That Is Only Going to Sell Four Copies)
• Appendix C: A Short Guide to Publicity and Sales at Conventions
• Appendix D: Troma President Calls for the Survival of Net Neutrality at a Press Conference in the Troma Building, New York City
• Index