Rethinking Discipline and Rebuilding Relationships
In my experience as a special education supervision, assistant principal, and principal in both middle and high school settings, I can tell you that sometimes (and some days most times) disciplining a student was my least favorite part of the job. For those of you in the role, you get this. Your investment in the halls and cafeteria, the multiple check-ins, proactive conversations, and contracts can derail at the smallest thing and most random moment. I always struggled not to take a defeat as a personal failure. I also learned that with every incident someone would struggle with my decision: the student, the guardian, the teacher, or the bystanders. Honestly it was a struggle somedays to walk out the door with my head held high knowing I did my best for those I serve.
Here is the deal. Sometimes we expect more of our students than we do of ourselves. We want to order escorts or significant consequences with that student who is always late to class, while we might be scooting into the parking lot in the morning a little late hoping we arenât noticed. We ask our students to handle conflict with students more like adults, while we can each admit to interacting in conflict more like a kid. And social media/email, well letâs just say we could all learn how to talk, tweet, and comment on each otherâs words better.
Coming back to the secondary level, with six years of kindergarten leadership, has me looking at this in a more unconventional way. Now instead of deficits I look for opportunities, and above all I do my best to care for each stakeholder I serve.
- Customer service. What is the experience for a student when they have a âbehavior eventâ? They made an error â big or small â walk, run, or storm up to the office and then what? Do students know what happens next? Are the expectations clear in the office to them and everyone else working in that space? Do you offer them time to regroup, reflect, and maybe even write down their account of the event or do you just start in with a series of questions, questioning every one of their answers, and escalating the situation?
During one hallway supervision I literally watched a âpush/pushâ in the hall. Immediately staff separated the two students and I went right to the one I had a stronger relationship with â the one who historically instigated more of these âpush/pushesâ last year and had made a conscious effort to change this year. I walked right up to him, gave him eye contact, and quietly said, âletâs go to my office and figure this out.â At that point I made the unconventional move â I stood next to him and held his arm and we walked with purpose to the office and through 400 other students passing by us. He got into the office, we both sat quiet for about five minutes. After that he shared his side, and we found that due to some misinformation from a relative, the situation escalated. Once both students got into the same space, they talked it out, apologized, and spent the rest of the day calming down and catching up on work, which allowed the middle school drama about the huge fight to blow over before it could blow up.
The next day I followed up with that student. I had time to explain why I immediately went to him, why I got in the middle of him and any of his buddies who could have escalated the situation before I could help him solve it. And at that point I asked him this: âwhat could I have done differently to help you?â Completely caught off guard, he replied â you listened, you got me out of something I wasnât going to be able to, so I think you handled it okay.
A bystander to this interaction was a family member who also has a history of more behavioral events the year previous than he is proud of and continues to work on redefining who he is in the school. During this event as his cousin and I were walking to the office, he saw a lady grabbing his cousinâs arm and directly telling him, âlet me solve this for you today, please.â A week after the event I found him and talked to him about how the experience of watching the event was for him.
Maâam, initially I was pissed, I donât want anyone touchin...